Dug deeper into ex's past and was surprised at what I found

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Recently, I had a mini relapse into the anxiety caused when my BPD exgf and I split, not to mention the looming 1 year "anniversary" of our breakup. As part of this relapse of sorts, I began to see if I could find out anything about her online. Since she's a self-proclaimed private individual, this has been futile in the past. Yet, there are so many unanswered questions that remain; I'd love to find even the slightest bit of closure.

The other day, I had a veritable breakthrough.

Throughout the beginning of our relationship, my ex constantly talked about a part of her family she doesn't speak to anymore, including a certain man (who is very close to that part of her family) who introduced her to a lot of the obscure rock music that we mutually adored. More than that, he seemed to have a fairly profound influence on her and I could tell she really looked up to him.

The end of our "honeymoon phase" was cemented with a very stark, serious, long conversation in which my ex admitted to having had an emotional affair with this same man for about 2.5 years - even while she dated other guys during that time. Though she insisted that nothing ever became physical (and I genuinely believe her), she did tell me that he had been recently-married and had a child. He was also older than her by almost 20 years. She also admitted to sending him some risque photos/texts and them both admitting to each other that they were in love. It was a... .  unique situation, but I didn't judge or preach; I only showed her support. She also mentioned that it ended around the time that we met and that they no longer talked. She seemed angry/sad/conflicted about it, but I never really brought it up past that, as I didn't want to make her feel bad.

Well, I found this man online. What should've been a nerve-wracking experience actually proved to be quite the opposite.

For starters, he and I have virtually similar tastes in obscure rock music - I could see where my ex got it from (or, likely mirrored, at least to an extent). Digging further, the similarities were eerie. We're both fairly successful entrepreneurs, we both appreciate and own several European sports cars, we both even have similar political beliefs. We even share the same tendency towards loquacious writing styles. In fact, he seemed like someone I'd probably be friends with.

Knowing my ex's less-than-stellar history with guys - as she's almost exclusively dated "weirdos and deadbeats" and only had one relationship (other than ours) last more than 3 months - this was a huge revelation. She and this man emailed/texted/saw each other at family functions. In fact, his online photo gallery had a few pictures of her, including at least one captioned "Look at <my ex>, isn't she gorgeous here?". Interestingly, they were no longer friends on Facebook, which tells me that they did, indeed have a falling out and likely stopped talking to each other.

As far as why they had a falling out, I think it goes beyond what I can write in this forum, but I remember my ex being very upset when she told the story and mentioned her being extremely mad at him when he announced that his wife was pregnant again (towards the end of their "affair", which she took to mean that he was trying to save his marriage by having another child. It was a complicated matter, but one that stayed with me.

Just putting a face and personality to this person helped a lot - and showed that I was likely a "tangible" version of him in many ways (even though she never used any words to compare us), or that I was essentially a rebound. Apparently this is common among BPDs.

A part of me wants to send him a simple email asking if he could shed any insight as to what made my ex tick; alas, my brain (and a few good friends) do not think this is a good idea, and I'm inclined to agree.

We'll see if this newfound revelation helps with my overall closure; but I remain hopeful. Though I also know how easy it is to get obsessive (especially with the power of online searching) - not to mention the old adage of "be careful of what you look for... .  you just might find it".

[lhd981]

Recently, I had a mini relapse into the anxiety caused when my BPD exgf and I split, not to mention the looming 1 year "anniversary" of our breakup. As part of this relapse of sorts, I began to see if I could find out anything about her online. Since she's a self-proclaimed private individual, this has been futile in the past. Yet, there are so many unanswered questions that remain; I'd love to find even the slightest bit of closure.

The other day, I had a veritable breakthrough.

Throughout the beginning of our relationship, my ex constantly talked about a part of her family she doesn't speak to anymore, including a certain man (who is very close to that part of her family) who introduced her to a lot of the obscure rock music that we mutually adored. More than that, he seemed to have a fairly profound influence on her and I could tell she really looked up to him.

The end of our "honeymoon phase" was cemented with a very stark, serious, long conversation in which my ex admitted to having had an emotional affair with this same man for about 2.5 years - even while she dated other guys during that time. Though she insisted that nothing ever became physical (and I genuinely believe her), she did tell me that he had been recently-married and had a child. He was also older than her by almost 20 years. She also admitted to sending him some risque photos/texts and them both admitting to each other that they were in love. It was a... .  unique situation, but I didn't judge or preach; I only showed her support. She also mentioned that it ended around the time that we met and that they no longer talked. She seemed angry/sad/conflicted about it, but I never really brought it up past that, as I didn't want to make her feel bad.

Well, I found this man online. What should've been a nerve-wracking experience actually proved to be quite the opposite.

For starters, he and I have virtually similar tastes in obscure rock music - I could see where my ex got it from (or, likely mirrored, at least to an extent). Digging further, the similarities were eerie. We're both fairly successful entrepreneurs, we both appreciate and own several European sports cars, we both even have similar political beliefs. We even share the same tendency towards loquacious writing styles. In fact, he seemed like someone I'd probably be friends with.

Knowing my ex's less-than-stellar history with guys - as she's almost exclusively dated "weirdos and deadbeats" and only had one relationship (other than ours) last more than 3 months - this was a huge revelation. She and this man emailed/texted/saw each other at family functions. In fact, his online photo gallery had a few pictures of her, including at least one captioned "Look at <my ex>, isn't she gorgeous here?". Interestingly, they were no longer friends on Facebook, which tells me that they did, indeed have a falling out and likely stopped talking to each other.

As far as why they had a falling out, I think it goes beyond what I can write in this forum, but I remember my ex being very upset when she told the story and mentioned her being extremely mad at him when he announced that his wife was pregnant again (towards the end of their "affair", which she took to mean that he was trying to save his marriage by having another child. It was a complicated matter, but one that stayed with me.

Just putting a face and personality to this person helped a lot - and showed that I was likely a "tangible" version of him in many ways (even though she never used any words to compare us), or that I was essentially a rebound. Apparently this is common among BPDs.

A part of me wants to send him a simple email asking if he could shed any insight as to what made my ex tick; alas, my brain (and a few good friends) do not think this is a good idea, and I'm inclined to agree.

We'll see if this newfound revelation helps with my overall closure; but I remain hopeful. Though I also know how easy it is to get obsessive (especially with the power of online searching) - not to mention the old adage of "be careful of what you look for... .  you just might find it".