SchematicDrawing
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 3
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« on: September 17, 2013, 09:06:54 AM » |
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I am so frustrated! Is it common to have two family members with BPD?
My mother and my sister both show many symptoms, not just some but nearly all, of BPD. They have made my life literally a living hell for 48 years and I don't want to be around them for even one more day or one more hour or even one more minute. They have stolen my life and my soul. I have spent my whole life trying to make them love me, and it just isn't going to happen.
I want them out of my life for good. I want to never see or hear from them again, but they keep calling and writing and texting to harass me, even friending my fb friends to tell them how bad I am why they should unfriend me. My sister has posted the most vile and disgusting things about me on facebook to hurt me even further. I blocked them and deactivated me account. The worst part is, they will turn on each other and come running back to get me on their side. They will act like there was never any problem between us. There will never be an apology.
Before I realized my sister was sick, I was doing all sorts of things to "help" her, like paying off her bills (thousands of dollars), bailing her out of jail after she struck a policeman with her car door, making excuses for her when she acts up in public places and so much more. She doesn't even admit that she owes me the money back. She thinks I owe her for putting up with me all these years. When she had maxed out her credit cards, she opened accounts under my name, and even used existing store accounts to buy whatever she wanted, and never told me or tried to pay on these accounts. I found out when I applied for a car loan.
My whole life my mother has been terrible to me. She always told me that I'm ugly, that I'm stupid, that I'm too immature. When I was a kid, she rarely let me socialize because she thought I would say things to others that would paint her in a poor light. When she did let me go somewhere, I would have to repeat, word-for-word everything I said and did there, and she would pick it apart. Then she would use it as an excuse to keep me home the next time. I wasn't even allowed to play in the sandbox with other kids out of fear they would judge my mother for the things I said.
When I was 17, I had pneumonia with a fever of 104. My mother wouldn't take me to the hospital because she was afraid the staff would judge her an unfit mother because I was sick. I had to get better on my own. I now have scars on my lungs that have affected me my whole adult life.
My mother called me "hit Spot" as her affectionate nickname for me. It got much worse from there. I can't even repeat some of the things she called me. I was the vile child, the bad child, the child that should be punished even when I didn't do anything wrong. Yet sometimes she would act so loving. Especially when other people were around. I had two mothers, the one that was sweet in public, and the one that hated me all other times. In middle school, I wrote a journal that one of the teachers found and gave to the principal. He called my mother and gave her the notebook. She pretended to be concerned at the meeting, but when I got home, she screamed at me for two hours for shaming her in front of the whole school.
When my sister would act up, which was often, my parents would punish me, first by yelling and screaming for hours while my sister was out (dating married men, running away from home after threatening suicide, charging up their credit cards, and more) and then by actually letting her off the hook, but allowing me even fewer freedoms. As a teen, sister stole the car she was not allowed to drive, stayed out until 4 am, crashed the car. They did nothing to her (I think they were afraid), but I was never allowed to drive after that. She took the car they had bought "us" when she went to college and drove around in it all day, never going to classes. So my parents forbid me from having the car in college. I wasn't even allowed to have a tv at college because sister had failed all her classes.
I was the scapegoat for everything sister did. Even as an adult.
My sister made an impulsive marriage to an older man who had divorced just a couple weeks before. My parents threw a wedding for 600 guests. He turned out to be an alcoholic, abusive man who was on crashing his career. Instead of dealing with her and him, my parents determined to ruin my stable marriage to a nice man. It worked. My parents did everything to keep her marriage going, even buying them a house. My mother told me that sister was in the public eye and that her marriage had to be kept together. She decided that it would be better for the end of my marriage to take the attention off my sister's failures.
I still somehow, for some reason, held on to my family, trying to do something to make them love me. I had a profession, excelled in it, but let it crash and burn because my parents thought it was worthless and that I was shameful for doing it. My sister took 12 years to finish college and you would have thought she was the first person ever to graduate; parties, gifts (a corvette), congratulations in the local paper. I finished in 4 years and 1 semester, and my parents were so ashamed, they not only wouldn't attend the ceremony, for the next two decades, they wouldn't even acknowledge that I even went to college, even after I got a second degree. They paid for every dime of sister's extended trip through college, but I had to pay my own. They said sister had spent the entire college fund and there was no money to give me, but they kept paying for her education. Private schools.
When sister missed a test in an important class, she made up a story that she had been kidnapped and raped at the mall. Everyone could see it was a lie, but my parents sued the school to try to force them to let her take a makeup. When that failed, the school expelled her. Parents tried to sue again for defamation. The school demanded that sister have a psych evaluation. It came back BPD and my parents tried to sue the psych for malpractice. They did everything in the world to protect her reputation, at the same time my mother started spreading the rumor that I was trading sex for money in high school. Everyone at school knew I was still a virgin. The only thing that kept me going all through school was the thought that in so many years I would be going away to college. When my mother told me there was no more money and that I would have to get a job, I exploded. It was the end of the world for me. I would have to get a job and use the money to keep sister in colleges she kept flunking out of!
My dad eventually passed. Before he died, we had a talk. My dad said that he regretted all the things he allowed my mom to do. He said he just went along with anything my mother wanted because if he didn't, she made his life hell. He wished he could take it all back. I still didn't have the good sense to see that mother and sister were toxic and I stayed the good sister/daughter, hoping that they would eventually accept and love me.
They never have. They still blame me for absolutely everything that goes wrong in their lives. Sister has had 10 jobs in 5 years, but that's my fault because I make her angry and that affects her job performance. Mother's pastor called her in to talk about her emotional issues, and that's my fault because I am such a difficult person I keep the whole family in upheaval.
I have cut them out of my life, but I'm such a sicko, I still miss them and wish they would love and accept me.
What kind of crazy is that?
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