Pretending to be happy?

[Winterberry]

Hi, my pwBPD has seemingly been in remission from his symptoms for about 6 months which has been great for our relationship. Today was a bad day as he said his friends abandoned him as they left him out of a get together they had planned, and his mom was also having a go at him. He lashed out at me when I tried to help and we have since made up but one of the things he said was “All I’ve ever been is sad and I’m sick of it.” And it’s not the first time he’s said something along these lines. A lot of the time when I’m sad he tells me to fake it till I make it. My fear is that when we’ve been together and he’s been laughing and smiling it’s all pretending and he’s actually miserable. I know it could be that he was exaggerating when he said that. And I know he has a lot of trauma that’s painful to work through and live with but I’d like to think that at least sometimes he genuinely feels like he's having a good time with me. I guess it’s out of my control and I can only try and cheer him up and do nice things. Any reply is appreciated.

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[Pook075]

Hey Winter.  BPD's feel intense emotions- happy, sad, angry, scared, etc. 

If you get sad (just picking an emotion at random) then you might have a lousy morning, think a few negative thoughts, but you quickly let it go on the drive to work.  When a BPD gets sad, they focus on the sadness and try to explain to themselves why they're sad, and doing so makes them sadder.  So they examine their lives- what around me isn't always happy?  Hey, it's my friends, it's my partner, it's the dog, it's the mailman, and then they start to obsess over those scenarios.  And guess what- it makes them even sadder still.

BPD's also "group together" emotions with generalizations that aren't necessarily true.  I'm always happy with this person or at this place.  I'm never angry when I see that person.  So when one of those things appear to be false by chance, it confuses them and make them re-examine the relationship with that person.

Today, your partner had a bad experience with friends...so those friends aren't good friends (for right now).  His mom is being mean (right now) and in the moment, maybe it feels like his mom has always been mean.  And when your friends and parent are making you have a bad day, then it's easy for a BPD to think, "I've always felt this way...I've never been happy."  That doesn't make any of that true, it's only true for right now.

If you go back to the first paragraph, when they obsess over this kind of thing, they can come to untrue conclusions that it's always been this way or it will never be that way.  That's the mental illness in a nutshell, the fear of being abandoned or people turning on you.  For instance, the friends probably didn't do something with the goal of hurting him, but that's how it feels right now.  It's disordered thinking and it's what creates havoc in relationships with BPD's.

It he always sad?  No.  When he gets sad, does he feel like he's always sad?  Possibly.  But the same is true when he feels happy as well.  I hope that helps!

[thankful person]

Winterberry,

I totally relate to this. When I first was with my dbpd wife, I spent much time trying to work out how she'd had such a miserable day when I thought we'd both had a really good time.

I now realise that actually bpdw makes it perfectly clear when she is not having a good time. So if she seems happy and laughing and loving, then she is genuinely happy. At that time.

The catch to this, is that if something happens to change her mood, or if nothing happens and her mood turns dark anyway... she now has her "black glasses" on. She now genuinely believes that she has had a terrible day, and often that we are to
blame.

Bpd is a somewhat delsional disorder, where memories and perceptions can be warped in the blink of an eye. You can't change his mind and there's little you can do to make him feel better. My best advice is to validate him so he's hopefully a little less blaming towards you, and protect your own mental health by looking after yourself, and keeping a firm grip on reality. Remember, he fully believes these thoughts. You don't have to. But there is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling him he's wrong.

[boundriesrus]

I am sorry you are having to go through this. My spouse has said to me as well sometimes that "Why am I angry?" usually followed by the line "Fake it to make it"...which is not genuine to the situation that we have been going through now for almost 2 years with me leaving my company due to my Narc ex business partner embezzling money. If the situation makes you sad, then be sad. If the situation makes u happy, then be happy. Faking emotions is not something I can do lightly. It just feels fake and like lying to people as well as yourself. I do not feel it is healthy in any situation.

[hellosun]

Pook075 explains it so well! And I agree with thankful person, too. I can’t help but see my uBPDh as childlike...in that he usually is expressing exactly how he feels “in the moment,” particularly if it is a dramatic emotion.

For example: have you ever seen a toddler in a tantrum say something like: “I hate you, Mommy!” Maybe 30 minutes ago the toddler was having a grand old time playing with blocks and coloring with his or her mother, but now the child is cranky, frustrated, hungry, worn out, overwhelmed, and doesn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with all that, let alone verbalize it.

And so the toddler expresses emotions that feel “too big” in the way a toddler does towards his or her primary caregiver, trusting said caregiver to figure out what’s wrong.

People with BPD have adult brains, so they can rationalize their emotional shifts and using logical communication, saying things like “fake it to make it,” like boundariesrus mentioned, or as you wrote Winterberry “all I’ve ever been is sad.”

But from an emotional development perspective, they aren’t able to regulate their emotions the way other adults can, so inside themselves they are dealing with emotions that feel “too big,” in a similar way that a toddler might. (I’m not saying all people with BPD are at the developmental level of a toddler emotionally, or that it is a completely static thing; their capacity to regulate changes with sleep, nutrition, stable support systems, therapy, practice, etc. It’s just that it’s harder for them than it is for those of us without BPD! Even though I have autism, I notice it is harder for my uBPDh to emotionally regulate than it is for me.)