Hello everyone!
I've been exploring this forum for a while and finally decided to post my own story, hoping to make sense of it all.
This post is quite long and I want to thank you already if you even consider reading it all
My ex is not diagnosed but his behaviour really only makes sense in the context of (quiet) bpd. I've been mentally ill most of my life, so I sympathise greatly with his struggles and I'm quite certain that I contributed to them with my own triggered antics during the relationship. We were definitely a huge mess in many ways, but at the same time we also had a very loving, deep connection that I'm not quite ready to let go off.
He broke up with me a month ago- over the phone (LD), just like the 2 times before that.
Breakup 1 took place after we had been together for 3 very intense (but not necessarily happy) months in which we even shared a place.
He had to leave the country we were living in at the time due to Visa issues and just broke down, saying he couldn’t do long distance.
However, he managed to overcome his hurdles and decided we would just pick up the relationship right where it ended - the second he stepped through my door, he kissed me and it was like no breakup had ever taken place. I went along with it because I was just so happy to have him back but I think I never recovered from that first split.
It uprooted some deep-seated abandonment issues that I hadn’t acknowledged before since I had only been in one relationship previously with a securely attached individual, that never made me feel emotionally unsafe in 4 years.
After breakup 1 distance became a trigger- whenever he had to leave for some reason, I could barely contain my fears. We would often get into fights that just didn’t happen when we were in the same space physically.
Breakup 2 was short lived and happened in our second year. Once again distance was a factor.
Since I was about to graduate I had no clue what to do and decided I'd go wherever he went. I didn't really care where it was, just wanted to be close to him and build a home together.
The idea was to return to the city we met in and move in together after spending the summer with family.
I moved all my furniture to his place and then returned to my hometown. He mentioned to me that I would surely break up with him when I went home since I’d have my family and all I needed around. I assured him that this wouldn’t happen.
It was also during those days when he would get increasingly pouty when I didn’t want to have sex and he straight up told me: “I knew this would happen one day and you’d lose your attraction”. Which was not, and to this day just isn’t true.
I went back home, as planned & a couple days later we had a troublesome conversation, followed by an enormous breakdown on his side in the middle of the night.
He ended the relationship via text, saying how it was all hopeless and would never work out. I asked him if he really meant that, if I was now supposed to get my stuff away from his place. He just said “That’s just another thing I have to feel guilty about”.
I obviously totally lost it at that point and bawled my eyes out. The next morning he took it all back and apologised. I was taken aback but I knew he was overwhelmed with work and family stress & forgave him. When I brought up the subject later he wouldn’t want to listen, just turned away with a pained expression and let me know he didn’t mean what he said at all.
Breakup 3 happened a month later. He visited me in my hometown and met my entire family. He seemed comfortable and calm, happy to be around me and my pets. We had a beautiful time together and for the first time I wasn’t afraid when he left- ironically, I had then finally established the firm trust that he’d surely return.
Well, I was very wrong.
For a bit things were still okay but I started feeling him pull away.
My old fears resurfaced and I kept pushing- why didn’t he say he missed me, where were the i love you’s? He’d never answer straight and instead got defensive, reiterating with a slight I had committed. Things that he’d never mentioned before, now came to the surface and he just threw them in my face. He started hanging out with new friends and took on another gig, was now effectively working 2 fulltime jobs (he works remotely) while dealing with his very demanding family and a close relative being treated for cancer.
I wanted to be supportive but we just couldn’t communicate at all-
I suggested a break so we didn’t ruin what we had just because of this temporary crisis, as a sort of damage control. We tried not speaking but I couldn’t take the thought of him slipping deeper and deeper into his depression without having someone to reach out to.
I think that was a huge mistake or maybe it wouldn’t have made a difference either way but exactly a month after he left, he broke off the relationship (over the phone).
We were both crying hysterically and he kept telling me how I was the most important person in his life and how we would just end up hating each other if we continued this way.
A couple days later we talked again and he told me how I meant more to him than his own parents, that he couldn’t put into words what I was to him but he just couldn’t take being in a relationship, how his whole life was falling apart and the pressure was just too much to take. That he could barely function and hadn’t had a full night of sleep in a month.
I was absolutely broken but decided right away that I’d fight for him. He had told me that his feelings were still very much there, so I thought I would support him during this dark time and we’d end up stronger than ever.
Well- maybe not.
After the breakup we maintained the same level of communication minus the mushy stuff which shows we both have huge boundary issues but I was set on getting him back.
Three weeks after the fallout, he invited me to stay in a city halfway between us- he had stuff to handle there and wanted to see me.
Somehow I thought this meant we would reconcile - after all he hadn’t stopped acting like a boyfriend at all and there he was offering me to spend entire days with him.
Let’s just say, I was in for another very wild ride.
I took the bus to aforementioned city and met him. He greeted me with a hug and said that he’d missed me, while almost demonstratively turning his face away, as if to avoid a kiss. I felt punched in the gut since the memory of his affection was still fresh but the man before me, wasn’t at all who I remembered.
He seemed like a robotic stranger, weirdly jumpy all day, erratically going from topic to topic, scanning his surroundings like he was on the lookout for threats. It seemed to me like he was extremely overwhelmed and just..broken.
Later that day we talked about the situation and I asked him if he still loved me and he said yes. I asked him if he loved me but just wasn‘t “in love” but he denied that and said he was attracted to me as well-
but that when he thought of together, he just felt
empty. That he felt empty overall and it
triggered him to think of us in a relationship. Obviously I mentioned that he was going through a major depressive episode and that we had been fighting a lot, that it could all be overcome but he wanted none of it.
Whenever I looked into his eyes they just stared back at me with an empty expression- there was no passion, no love, nothing - it was frightening.
We ended up having sex several times that day but it felt like I was just a body. I was just there and he was doing his old choreography to someone- not me. There was no “us” in those moments. Apart from that I spent the whole day hugging him, giving him love like I used to in hopes of reaching him in his shell. I just couldn’t accept that the person I loved was now this cold stranger, completely changed in the 6 weeks I hadn’t seen him.
The next day was arguably worse. He told me “I hope you understand what I said” and I told him not to worry, that I didn’t think we’d be together just because we spent 2 days like this. That we would just take it slow. He completely dismissed that part and said he really didn’t want to take this anywhere, but that he still loved me. I felt crushed but just decided to enjoy the rest of the day with him while swallowing my tears and not pestering him with my affection.
Every time I’d go quiet he’d speak to me softly like he used to, he obviously knew why I couldn’t talk and I figure felt guilty for causing me pain.
Now until here that whole episode may sounds strange already but you could maybe put it off as me getting my hopes up.
However, later that day about an hour before I was supposed to drive home, he reached for my hand and told me how happy it had made him that I’d come- giving me that old familiar look. The one filled with warmth, the one I thought I’d never see again. Then he brought me to the bus and again seemed weirdly erratic but before I boarded he gave me a kiss on the forehead and told me he’d visit me very soon and to please text him (in a pleading tone).
After this I just felt numb. There was too much to unpack and I decided to limit contact with him..At least for two days until I broke. I told him that I loved him and was in love with him and he flat out told me “I don’t feel the same” while telling me he never wanted to lose me and he’d come visit me in the very same conversation.
Whatever wasn’t broken inside of me before that broke then and I asked for space. He basically told me that I hoped I wasn’t gone for good but that he obviously was in no position to make demands. I didn’t reply.
Not even 24 hours later he reached out again.
Now this is the mere bone structure of it all.
The circumstances surrounding our relationship were always chaotic (his Visa issues, family troubles, work) and it was way easier for him than for me to just go along with ever changing conditions. He would often tell me, that that’s just what life had always been like for him, unstable and unpredictable.
I learned about the origins of his trauma as he opened up to me about his FOO. He has definitely suffered emotional neglect (for example, he can’t remember when his mother last hugged him and he was never told by his parents that they loved him). He feels like an outsider and the black sheep of his family despite being professionally successful and independent.
He was cheated on by his first girlfriend which kickstarted his depression. His only longterm relationship before was with a person he now demonises (he literally calls her demon). Throughout our relationship I always felt we were in some sort of love triangle with the phantom of her- about a year into our story he realised that she had abused and led him on and just split her black entirely.
His other exes came up often as well, in a negative way - they were all dismissed as “weird” and I found out he had dumped all of them. All this time I felt like I was in competition with them - admittedly I was “winning” because he truly did love me and it seemed like he wanted to stay.. There were also several female friends of his who had fallen for him and were rejected- at first I thought it was just natural charm but I’m pretty sure now, that he has the tendency to lead people on unknowingly since he lacks the understanding of what level of contact is appropriate and not.
This all probably doesn't sound too flattering but in between the bad moments, he was the warmest, kindest, most generous person.
He never even raised his voice or had any violent outbursts (admittedly his anger would show in the harsh way he judged specific people).
It was beautiful to watch him grow and open up slowly, allowing himself to express his feelings more freely - something he wasn't able to do at all in the beginning.
He is in his early 20s still , so I'm hopeful that he can get much better once he gets help. We are still in contact, so he didn't discard me. Paradoxically, he actually claims I did nothing wrong in the entire relationship and was only ever helpful - something I know is not true.
So basically right now he has the mindset that 1) I'm this amazing important person that he can't stand to go without 2) someone he can't picture in the context of a relationship because it
triggers him and he has
PTSD from hurting me (his actual words).
Now my question to you lovely people would be - is there any way to reverse this or rather move on from this debacle and build a better relationship in the future if I decide to stick around? I don't believe that his feelings are just gone like this, it seems more like he has completely blocked them out..
