What was the longest span of time before your ex reached out after NC?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi all,

Just asking out of curiosity how long it took, if ever, for your BPDx to reach out to recycle some form of a relationship or simply to make contact. I've heard different things from different sources and am curious about everyone's experience.

I broke up with my BPDx 1.5 months ago and there has been NC from either end since. We are not connected over social media and neither one of us is blocked in any form, so there is still a "window of opportunity" if you will. His 50th birthday is on Saturday and knowing how that would be a big trigger for us nons, I can imagine it being an especially tough period for him now, during and post bday.

Thanks! 

[Angel3287]

Hi all,

Just asking out of curiosity how long it took, if ever, for your BPDx to reach out to recycle some form of a relationship or simply to make contact. I've heard different things from different sources and am curious about everyone's experience.

I broke up with my BPDx 1.5 months ago and there has been NC from either end since. We are not connected over social media and neither one of us is blocked in any form, so there is still a "window of opportunity" if you will. His 50th birthday is on Saturday and knowing how that would be a big trigger for us nons, I can imagine it being an especially tough period for him now, during and post bday.

Thanks! 

[sadboi]

Are you wondering if he will contact you on his birthday, or are you considering contacting him?

If NC is the boundary that is best for YOU, you should stick with it even on his birthday. I understand why you would want to reach out, and in all honesty the day will be very hard. But you are now on a path to focus on yourself.

Sending my support.

[Angel3287]

Hey sadboi and thanks for the support!

Honestly, I am a bit conflicted about contacting - yes. I'm an artist and I was working on a special piece for his 50th before our break up and now the nearly finished work is sitting and waiting for me in my studio everyday. It's tough, especially as the day slowly approaches. I battle with not saying "happy birthday" but also know that I won't out of looking out for myself and my best interests. I also believe it will send the wrong message that I am overlooking the lies, infidelity and other issues which is one I will NEVER give - birthday or not!

Do I wonder if he will contact me during an emotional moment? Yes, I do. We all become reflective around our birthdays and take stock of where we are and where we are headed. Turning 50, maybe THE milestone birthday (ok, 40 too)of our lifetime, I can't help but wonder if I should be preparing myself for some form of contact from him during this time.

[Rayban]

Every single time no contact was broken by myself or her, I ended up regretting doing it. 

The last time I got a text from her 7 months out, I thought I was strong and detached enough to handle a text conversation with her. My mind set at that moment was that I was past the anger. I spent close to 1 1/2 years of my life with this person and that there was nothing wrong with catching up and being cordial. 

The text conversation flowed along nicely. We avoided relationship discussion. She opened the door for me to ask her to meet, and I would just ignored where a few months prior I would jump in my car and go see her. I think she just wanted to know if I still wanted her.

Eventually I made a joke about being up late alot, and she flipped the switch and ended the conversation accusing me of insensitive.  This is after an hour of talking about what was going on in my life, and listening to what was going on in hers, being encouraging along the way.

As soon as I put the phone down, I felt so stupid for responding.  It rattled me for a few days, but I consoled myself that I didn't cave, or JADE, I just let it go. In a sense it was a measuring stick as how far I've come in my detachment.  I still think of her, but I no longer care who she's with and what she's doing.  I have no desire to be with her. I also have no desire for her sexually . As mentioned previously I would have gladly have sex with her even when I knew There was hell to pay.

Moral of the story is that contact of any kind is just not worth it. I don't want her in my life. I can't think of a single thing that is positive about maintaing even some sort of twisted friendship with her. Ask yourself what you wish to gain from wishing him a happy birthday? If you choose to it keep it short and sweet.  Otherwise he'll find some way to make you feel bad.

[sm15000]

Hi Angel,
This is the first time I've returned to this site in a long time.  On Monday I picked up my house phone and my ex was on the other end for the first time in 6 - 7 years... .as you can imagine big shock!
He will be 59 soon and told me via the phone conversation that he has been into hospital recently but it turned out to be OK... .wouldn't expand on what and this immediately took me back to a lie (admitted in a letter by him) he told when we were separating that he was going into hospital as he had chronic eczema.

I've now had an email stating he has just realised how short life is and he couldn't bear the thought of not speaking to me again as still has fond memories of our time together and I am the best friend he has lost, and miss the most.

I'm 53, and can understand this - I feel the same... .but from anyone else but him... .with him I see it immediately as manipulation - not that I would return to him romantically... .that has gone... .but that any ongoing interaction will end in disaster.

It's actually worrying that after one contact I am here again... .it's a bit PTSD, and that I feel immediately I need support   

[jo19854]

My wife left 3 years and 7 months ago when i was at work. Completely out of nowhere it came. Ive never ever heard from her or have seen her.

[Angel3287]

@sm15000

Wow, 6-7 years after is a long time for him to just show up out of the blue. I'm sorry that it brought up old feelings/trauma for you and hopefully the distance you've had all this time has made it easier to center yourself again.

There probably is a kernel of truth with him missing you but the catch is "how" he is missing you. It's tricky to truly know whether that "missing" comes from a place to truly reclaim some form of a relationship with you or if it is just to be validated during a low point. Birthdays are tricky, especially around the milestones, so it is possible that he has had a moment of clarity and is taking stock of his life and past relationships. BUT, since it has triggered you negatively, I would say that having limited to no contact with him is probably in your best interest for now.

@jo19854

I can't imagine going through that and I'm sorry that you had to. Were there no hints along the way? In this case, I would say it's for the best because that shows a totally lack of empathy for others and you are better off rebuilding your life without her.


With me, as I stated above, I am having an emotional weekend with the upcoming 50th birthday of my exBPDbf (1.5 months post break up) on Saturday and knowing that there could be possible triggers around it. Like with sm15000 's situation, I am wondering if he will reach out to me with a similar "I miss you blah blah blah" and am preparing myself for that as it will be tricky to navigate, especially at my point in recovery. I'm also preparing myself to not hear anything which, admittedly, would be both a relief and disappointing. I suppose I'm battling against the script in my head of him accepting what happened, owning the bad behavior/abuse and committing to a plan to treat his BPD/C-PTSD versus completely detaching and making peace with the fact that he may never choose to take that route again.

I'm not angry with him anymore over what transpired, but am hoping that he will choose to help himself once and for all. Birthdays and other special days tend to make us reflect and wonder about our past and future, so it is really just me hoping that this big day will knock him out of orbit a bit.

Fingers-crossed!

[go kart]

Hi, sorry to hear what you're going through I know it's hard, the start of last year me and my partner didn't have contact for about 8weeks, my birthday was right in the middle of the no contact period and I kinda hoped that she might get in touch but she didn't, this year at a similar time we were not in contact 13weeks and I didn't want any contact but she actually contacted me and asked if she could take me away for my birthday, I accepted her offer and went away but regretted it because we were broke up again within a couple of weeks, I suppose after my 13 weeks I was getting on with my life, I was getting over the hurt and then bang she did it again... .

[Angel3287]

@gokart

Thank you and I'm sorry to hear about your situation too. Are you still together? Were the NC periods a clear break up or did one of you just pull away and not reach out?

My ex and I did have a break up of sorts where we expressed certain things, however he was always  in the position of the victim and, therefore, not responsible for his actions. He didn't say that but that was basically the underlying message. In hindsight, I think it was possibly a push/pull thing because he waited a day to remove me from social media, which could possibly mean that he was waiting for me to come after him... .or he wanted to do damage control, end it, and move on to a new target. Many scenarios are possible.

Thanks for your insight and I hope you are in a better place now!

[jo19854]

I can't imagine going through that and I'm sorry that you had to. Were there no hints along the way?

Its a difficult story (see my profile). In the last year she had heavy chemo. She withdraw, but not hatefull. We never had big fights or arguments. The weekend before she left we had a weekend in a hotel, just comfortable to recover from the chemo. the following 3 days she did some ironing. On the day she left we hugged in the morning. When i came home the living room was cleaned, fruit was organised in a bowl and she was gone. That's it. I struggle every day with it.

[sm15000]

Angel,
I can completely understand you thinking about your ex's 50th birthday... .those milestones are triggering! It's been a very short time since you separated, and as I've just learned myself they can pop back up at any time but as you say, dependent on what is going on for them.  I think whether you get any contact will depend on how HE is feeling and what is happening in HIS life. How long were you together? Was there anyone else involved in the break up?  Are you hoping he will?

There probably is a kernel of truth with him missing you but the catch is "how" he is missing you. It's tricky to truly know whether that "missing" comes from a place to truly reclaim some form of a relationship with you or if it is just to be validated during a low point. Birthdays are tricky, especially around the milestones, so it is possible that he has had a moment of clarity and is taking stock of his life and past relationships. BUT, since it has triggered you negatively, I would say that having limited to no contact with him is probably in your best interest for now.

Yes, I'm quite surprised at how it triggered me.  It's taken me a long, long time to get over the shock of who and what he was and is, and the accompanying behaviours.  I just look at the email and feel quite sad, because I can echo all the things he said about our relationship because you do reflect at this time of life.  When it was good we did have great times and I have missed his friendship and company over the years terribly too... .but I feel if I said that back I would be opening myself up to all sorts again... .I still feel I have to be on guard and withhold my real feelings. 

I would just say to you, try and prepared yourself for contact or no contact over the 50th... .either will most probably present some emotions for you 

[Angel3287]

@jo19854

I just read your story on your profile and while I am shocked at the severity of it, I also can understand how it came to be based off the symptoms of the mental illness. In this case, it might be helpful to think of it as her releasing you from the position of her caretaker as she must know that you carried her world for her. I hope you have a great counselor/therapist and several close friends and family members to help you through this.

It will take time and that's where we must place our hope. Stay strong.

[Angel3287]

Angel,
I can completely understand you thinking about your ex's 50th birthday... .those milestones are triggering! It's been a very short time since you separated, and as I've just learned myself they can pop back up at any time but as you say, dependent on what is going on for them.  I think whether you get any contact will depend on how HE is feeling and what is happening in HIS life. How long were you together? Was there anyone else involved in the break up?  Are you hoping he will?

Yes, I'm quite surprised at how it triggered me.  It's taken me a long, long time to get over the shock of who and what he was and is, and the accompanying behaviours.  I just look at the email and feel quite sad, because I can echo all the things he said about our relationship because you do reflect at this time of life.  When it was good we did have great times and I have missed his friendship and company over the years terribly too... .but I feel if I said that back I would be opening myself up to all sorts again... .I still feel I have to be on guard and withhold my real feelings.  

I would just say to you, try and prepared yourself for contact or no contact over the 50th... .either will most probably present some emotions for you  

Hi Sm15000,

Maybe withholding your feelings from him is not the best course of action? It's been awhile and it may prove to cathartic in some ways to get them out and then reinforce whatever boundaries you need to in order to maintain balance.

My ex and I weren't together very long (5 months) but the intensity of it all made it feel much longer, like most people on this board have experienced.

Was there anyone else involved in the break up? It's hard to say. I know my ex cheated on me a few days before the break up while at a party getting drunk and high on cocaine - he admitted the drinking and cocaine, but of course omitted the infidelity. This I found out via social media. However, before the break up, I did have a little situation with my family that stirred the pot with us and he started talking about us being friends and always being there for me when the conflict didn't really have much to do with him. We both were emotional about it for a few hours and I then started a conversation in an attempt to resolve the tension between us. That seemingly did the trick, we kissed and started to cook dinner since we were hosting a friend that night. All seemed ok... .

Now, my ex is hypersexual and I am sure he has found a replacement or replacements for that act at least. He always had a lot of "friends" over in groups and, since we lived 2.5 hours apart, it's possible that others were passing through while I was on my way out. It's possible one of them or a new one became the new object of adoration, but I'll never truly know... .and it's not really that important.

Do I hope that he will reach out? I'd say that question comes with a loaded answer. Yes and no.
Like I said in my earlier post, I would hope he would reach out ONLY if he has accepted what has happened, his issues and has a real plan of action to work on himself. Otherwise, I know it be a waste of time essentially.

During the break up over the course of 3 days via text, as he couldn't bring himself to call or FT me out of shame/guilt. He did, now that I recall, say that he was hanging up because he was "bored with me. haha" on FaceTime the morning of his "big night out" (eye roll). I said that he wasn't joking and I got no response. Ta Da!

Anyways -- I used all DBT skills to work through it with him during the 3 day marathon. I validated his feelings, I praised him for coming forward about the alcohol/cocaine, and reinforced his strength and control over his addictions/issues. But, I did also say that for us to continue and move forward in our relationship, we would have to address these and work on them. In short, he said this is who he is and I would have to accept it in order to be with him. I said that I accept him for who he is but that does not mean I would enable his self-destructive behavior/actions... .and would leave him if that's what it took. He then used targeted humor (passive aggressive humor) to bait me:

"Are you a witch or a warlock? You must have put a spell on me. I am feeling awful and nausea ensues. Just being silly of course".

Now after 3 days of VERY intense messaging from my end, trying desperately to pull him out of the s*** if you will, I get this which I immediately recognized as baiting. It triggered me.

I said "I am not responsible for your discomfort and never was etc. etc.".

His reply: "You are being much too serious for me. It was just I joke. I have no interest in meeting you at X cafe or anytime soon for that matter. Be well.". And that was the end of it. I was removed from social media the next day and haven't heard a peep since.

[Skip]

Withdrawing and giving each other the silent treatment/ultimatum/holding out (playing chicken) is not a good way to resolve conflict - sometimes it works - sometimes it crashes and burns.

If you are truly done with the alcohol/cocaine/sex or love addiction, and ultimately - his infidelity, then its time to walk away. He has already told you and shown you that these addictions are above his ability to control.

I sense that your walking away is more of a ploy to shake him up and you hope that he will see the light and start making changes.

I think your real question is, will he finally break down on his birthday and choose you over his addictions?

Is that it?

[insideoutside]

My friend and I have gone ST/NC for so many times that I can't remember exactly how many times its occurred now.  First couple of times I guess a couple of weeks, last year was 3 months, to date its 6 months today.  I have given up hope of hearing from him again now; 6 months is quite a significant period of time and to be honest I have no desire to reach out to him and rekindle the friendship and it looks like he doesn't either so c'est la vie.

[Angel3287]

Withdrawing and giving each other the silent treatment/ultimatum/holding out (playing chicken) is not a good way to resolve conflict - sometimes it works - sometimes it crashes and burns.

If you are truly done with the alcohol/cocaine/sex or love addiction, and ultimately - his infidelity, then its time to walk away. He has already told you and shown you that these addictions are above his ability to control.

I sense that your walking away is more of a ploy to shake him up and you hope that he will see the light and start making changes.

I think your real question is, will he finally break down on his birthday and choose you over his addictions?

Is that it?

Hi Skip,

You're partially correct with me wanting him to have some break down/awareness and resolve his issues, but that doesn't necessarily have to do with him choosing me or not.

For me, I had no intention of giving him the silent treatment or going no contact but he forced a situation where it didn't make sense for me to pursue him. It would have been pitiful and going against my sense of self worth for me to chase someone who did not honor our relationship with his actions. Communication ended with him baiting and pushing me away and I chose not to respond. I had said everything I needed to up until that point in a very loving, yet, serious way. My leaving was not a ploy but more of a declaration that I was not going to enable him and allow him to play the victim any longer.

It's true that he may believe the addictions are above his control but he has gone into treatment and therapy in the past which has helped, or at least he said it helped until he left it and was left to his own devices. It's a tough situation because he's not unaware and he has been very open with his struggles, but I ultimately cannot accept him doing or trying to do something to alleviate some symptoms.

I agree ultimatums, or hinting at one, is not the best way to get someone into treatment. It was foolish of me to believe our relationship meant more to him than the one he has had with BPD/drugs/sex all these years. I know he sincerely tried during our relationship to regulate his behavior and triggers but they got the best of him towards the end.

Will he breakdown on his birthday? I haven't a clue. For all I know he could be in a cocaine-alcohol induced coma right now to cope with the depression and anxiety of his bday on Saturday. There could be a million things happening externally and internally, but I have no idea.

I still love him and truly hope he will come out of this darkness. But I love myself, too, and know that I can't go back in without him trying to meet me outside the tunnel.

[Angel3287]

My friend and I have gone ST/NC for so many times that I can't remember exactly how many times its occurred now.  First couple of times I guess a couple of weeks, last year was 3 months, to date its 6 months today.  I have given up hope of hearing from him again now; 6 months is quite a significant period of time and to be honest I have no desire to reach out to him and rekindle the friendship and it looks like he doesn't either so c'est la vie.

Hi insideoutside,

I'm sorry to hear about the situation between you and your friend - it must be hard to go back and forth every few months. May I ask what brought about the ST/NC?

[love4meNOTu]

Hi Angel3287-

It was five years between our initial contact and the re-contact. When we re- contacted, we married a few months later, and then divorced 16 months after that.

Since the divorce, it's been about five years. I don't plan on hearing from him again, he essentially said as much at the time and I have no reason to doubt it, or for that matter prepare for such an action.

My ex was not formally diagnosed with BPD but has all nine traits.

L

[Angel3287]

Hi Angel3287-

It was five years between our initial contact and the re-contact. When we re- contacted, we married a few months later, and then divorced 16 months after that.

Since the divorce, it's been about five years. I don't plan on hearing from him again, he essentially said as much at the time and I have no reason to doubt it, or for that matter prepare for such an action.

My ex was not formally diagnosed with BPD but has all nine traits.

L

Hi L,

Thanks for sharing your story and a five year gap is definitely a long time for the two of you to reconnect - May I ask what brought that about and what made you want to reestablish a relationship?

At the moment, it feels like I might not hear anything from him again. I put up a lot of boundaries and he knows that reconnecting in some way would mean having to take accountability for his actions and doing the work to rebuild trust. Who knows - the unpredictability factor is challenging.

[Skip]

I had no intention of giving him the silent treatment or going no contact but he forced a situation where it didn't make sense for me to pursue him. It would have been pitiful and going against my sense of self worth for me to chase someone who did not honor our relationship with his actions. Communication ended with him baiting and pushing me away and I chose not to respond.

Maybe this article (see below in navy) will help with perspective. You will need to read the whole thing to get Gottman's concept. I don't think the longest span of time members experienced contact after a period of contact will tell you much... .70%+ members recycle 3 or more times before the relationship ends.

                  Break-up/make-up cycles



              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%

More significant is how far the relationship has broken down.

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

If you're in Stage 4, withdrawing (for any reason) is furthering the cascade of the relationship demise.  

I'm suggesting that you contact your partner - how you respond to this situation is pretty complex and really a conversatio0n for the "Improving Board". What I am suggesting is that the trajectory that you are on is a terminal one and if you do have hopes for this relationship, you might want to explore other approaches.

At the same time, I'd say that serial infidelity would be a deal breaker for me and many others. If there is sex and substance addition, it will take a very significant change to right his life... .and he has said, clearly, he is not in that place.

[Angel3287]

Maybe this article (see below in navy) will help with perspective. You will need to read the whole thing to get Gottman's concept. I don't think the longest span of time members experienced contact after a period of contact will tell you much... .70%+ members recycle 3 or more times before the relationship ends.

                  Break-up/make-up cycles



              Single break-up (no recycles) is 10%

More significant is how far the relationship has broken down.

Stage Four Rather than face the pain and overwhelm they expect to experience, partners who have reached this third 'defensive' stage, may progress to the forth and final stage of breakdown, characterized by a breakdown of basic trust between the partners, and increasing disengagement in the name of self-protection. Like a steam-valve in a pressure cooker, the partners start avoiding one another so as to minimize their conflicts. Gottman calls this final stage, "Stonewalling", perhaps after the image of a partner hiding behind a stone wall designed to protect him or her from further assault. Unfortunately, there is no way to love your partner when you are hiding behind a wall to protect yourself from him or her.
https://bpdfamily.com/content/your-relationship-breaking-down

If you're in Stage 4, withdrawing (for any reason) is furthering the cascade of the relationship demise.  

I'm suggesting that you contact your partner - how you respond to this situation is pretty complex and really a conversatio0n for the "Improving Board". What I am suggesting is that the trajectory that you are on is a terminal one and if you do have hopes for this relationship, you might want to explore other approaches.

At the same time, I'd say that serial infidelity would be a deal breaker for me and many others. If there is sex and substance addition, it will take a very significant change to right his life... .and he has said, clearly, he is not in that place.

Hi Skip,

Thanks for the link, your insight and advice -- you've made some very good points.

I think the nuances of my situation don't necessarily fit into the definition of "stonewalling" but I understand the comparison. I never stated "don't contact me again" or took any real action to make it clear that I was not open to working out these issues together. It was quite the opposite, actually.

In my opinion, I believe it's best for me to not initiate contact with him on his birthday or anytime soon (or ever!). I detached gracefully and I made it clear what was required to move our relationship forward and, now, to rebuild it. While I sometimes go back and forth, I do believe this is the best option and that I can only rejoin "the dance" if he is willing to learn his half and take the lead.

You were right that he had made it clear 1.5 months ago that that's who he is/was then and that he was not in the place to do anything about it. My anger lies here but I am learning to detach from my disappointment with him not valuing his well-being first of all and our relationship second. I still love him but I know reaching out from my end will only reinforce subconsciously that I am overlooking the past in order to make contact.

Any reaching out must be done by him with tact and sincerity. We will see: T-2 days until B-day. YIKES!

[hope2727]

Someone on this forum once reported a contact after apron 20 years or something. One just never knows.

[Angel3287]

Someone on this forum once reported a contact after apron 20 years or something. One just never knows.

Hi Hope!

After 20 f@#$%^* YEARS?       

Man, that's nuts.