Need to end my Relationship, but I think the timing is bad

[kriecheque]

Hi,

After months of struggling in my relationship, I recently did some research about some of the strange behavior of my partner and I strongly suspect she has BPD (obviously, I'm not qualified to diagnose this, but she has several of the symptoms).  Things intensified in the last week and after my revelation about her personality issue, I've come to the incredibly tough decision that this isn't healthy for me or her and I need to end it. The hard part is that the timing is terrible.

She is currently depressed about her perceived inability to do anything right - at home or at work - and in a fragile state.  She has also started to detect something off with me as I have not been able to be affectionate with her since my revelation. Today is Tuesday and I am scheduled to go out of town for a good friend's bachelor party this weekend. I initially thought it would be best to break the news upon my return, but because this feeling is haunting me and I don't think I can make it through the week without breaking.  I feel like I need to break the news tonight, but I'm afraid of leaving her over the weekend. I think she will perceive it as abandoning her and running off to have a fun weekend with my friends, but at the same time I don't think it's fair to waste any time in holding on to this feeling I have.

Does anyone have advice?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kriecheque, In my view, there's no good time to part ways.  You just have to do it.  In general, I would say that it's best to do it in person, and the sooner the better, unless there is a good reason (big event, etc.) that makes it preferable to delay.  As far as leaving her alone over the weekend, in my view it's not your job to take on the well being of another adult.  Maybe the weekend will give her time to process it?  I don't see why you need to explain/justify that you are attending a bachelor party.

LuckyJim

[Thereeldeel]

Hi,

After months of struggling in my relationship, I recently did some research about some of the strange behavior of my partner and I strongly suspect she has BPD (obviously, I'm not qualified to diagnose this, but she has several of the symptoms).  Things intensified in the last week and after my revelation about her personality issue, I've come to the incredibly tough decision that this isn't healthy for me or her and I need to end it. The hard part is that the timing is terrible.

She is currently depressed about her perceived inability to do anything right - at home or at work - and in a fragile state.  She has also started to detect something off with me as I have not been able to be affectionate with her since my revelation. Today is Tuesday and I am scheduled to go out of town for a good friend's bachelor party this weekend. I initially thought it would be best to break the news upon my return, but because this feeling is haunting me and I don't think I can make it through the week without breaking.  I feel like I need to break the news tonight, but I'm afraid of leaving her over the weekend. I think she will perceive it as abandoning her and running off to have a fun weekend with my friends, but at the same time I don't think it's fair to waste any time in holding on to this feeling I have.

Does anyone have advice?

I would hold off until after the weekend. When making decisions use the risk/reward analysis to make you're thinking clearer.

If you leave her now you think you'll get the reward of having this off your mind... .in reality, it will probably still be weighing on you even if you cut ties.

The risk is that she has a total breakdown and makes you feel so guilty that you end up not going on your trip.

I see little to no reward and significant risk in leaving now.

It is not your responsibility to take care of her, but how you do it can help her grieving process and her recovery time. Don't blame her for anything. Make sure she knows that you care about her too much to keep her tied down to a relationship with so much instability, and you have realized it will never change. Moving on will be tough, but it is in both of your interests to have stability and if you can't give it to each other every day you stay together is another day you do each other a disservice.

[kriecheque]

Thanks for the feedback.  Unfortunately, I went with my gut and had the discussion.  Things did not go quite as planned... .

I told her that I had made the decision and at first she responded somewhat well, but was disappointed that I came to the decision without discussing things with her. As the situation sunk in with her she went through a range of emotions from sadness to anger to regret. She was confused and asked that I try to more clearly explain the "why" of my decision.  In doing so I talked about some of her behavior in more detail - the black and white thinking, the mood swings, the tendancy to focus on the negatives - without directly saying anything about BPD (I've read it's not a good idea to tell someone they have BPD). Because she has a clinical background, I think a lot of the symptoms i addressed rang a bell in her. She said "what you describing sounds like a mental illness." She immediately felt shame and apologized for her behavior and said she was not aware of how her behavior was affecting me in this way. I know that we've talked about issues like this in the past, but perhaps I was not able to articulate them as clearly as I am now that I have an understanding of BPD and the symptoms. Shortly after the realization that her mental health may be the main issue she insisted I give her a chance to coarse-correct. She made the case that because she never fully understood the reality our/her situation until now, that she deserves a chance to do something about it - even if we eventually come back to the decision to breakup, she said she would feel better knowing that she had a chance to do something about it. She acknowledged that her mental health is an issue and accepted the idea of going to therapy.

It was really hard for me to come around to the idea of a second-chance especially after I had internally decided that this wasn't going to work for me, but I can't help but think it's only fair.  I know that there is hope of rehabilitation through DBT treatment and the fact that she acknowledges her issue and it committed to doing something about it gives me hope.

I'm not sure what's on the road ahead, but I'm hoping a therapist can give guidance for us both.

Thanks again for taking the time to read and respond to this - I can't tell you how grateful I am to have found this community to discuss things with.

[Skip]

I wrote this for another member today. It sounds like you have started down this track.

Here is one way to see it through with compassion and grace:

I left a relationship of someone I loved. I think it is not so much a matter of accurately disclosing your reasons for leaving, but more a matter of releasing with grace and dignity.

This author of this article ( https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a125.htm ) suggests going through a step-wise series of being disinterested and increasingly distant. When the partner has the typical reaction to pull you back in, you say "its nothing, there is nobody else", but stay the course. After a few weeks of this, the partner will be start to drift from a rejection reflex to a defensive reflex (I deserve better). You can then do a trial separation or say you need some space or say "you're wonderful but I'm not feeling it". If he over-pursues at any point, tell him he is pushing you away and ask for space. The idea is to invest a few weeks (no more) and back off in increasing stages of carelessness (but not disrespect or maliciousness). It won't hurt as much.

In my own thinking, the way people get damaged in breakups are 1) if the are betrayed (dumped for someone else), 2) ghosted (this is horrific), or 3) the relationship is terminated for personal defect (BPD, has a child, doesn't make enough money, too short, didn't go to college, etc.).

[Lucky Jim]

She immediately felt shame and apologized for her behavior and said she was not aware of how her behavior was affecting me in this way.

To me, her reaction is uncharacteristic of someone w/BPD.  Maybe it is worth giving her another chance with a therapist's guidance?  As a general matter, pwBPD rarely if ever apologize for their outrageous conduct and are usually highly resistant to the concept of therapy.  So your situation seems a little different to me, which makes me think it is worth exploring.

LJ

[PeteWitsend]

To me, her reaction is uncharacteristic of someone w/BPD.  Maybe it is worth giving her another chance with a therapist's guidance?  As a general matter, pwBPD rarely if ever apologize for their outrageous conduct and are usually highly resistant to the concept of therapy.  So your situation seems a little different to me, which makes me think it is worth exploring.

LJ

agree it's uncharacteristic of BPD, although I've read elsewhere that BPD is a "spectrum disorder" that is it can be mild or severe (if this is incorrect please say so here).

he did say she's been struggling with some personal failures so maybe she's more depressed than borderline?

kriecheque - if you otherwise love her and see a lot of upside in the relationship, it might be worth giving her another chance.  Depression is treatable.  and she was instantly apologetic and concerned, as opposed to defensive and accusatory. 

in contrast... .If I point out things my wife did that upset me or that I'd like her to stop doing, I'm instantly blamed for her doing those things in the first place (I was not loving enough, she didn't feel like I put her '#1', Other husbands are better, etc etc), and she often gets heated and angry, and storms off if she doesn't like how the conversation is going.  Sometimes - rarely - she'll eventually calm down after a period of time and apologize, but that's very rare.

[Thereeldeel]

To me, her reaction is uncharacteristic of someone w/BPD.  Maybe it is worth giving her another chance with a therapist's guidance?  As a general matter, pwBPD rarely if ever apologize for their outrageous conduct and are usually highly resistant to the concept of therapy.  So your situation seems a little different to me, which makes me think it is worth exploring.

LJ

I've experienced both. Normally in an arguement she'll push me to my breaking point so that I do something that can be the new focal point and I'll have to apologize.

If I shut down and give her absolutely no ammo she sweats a little bit. If she senses I may leave her (as in the case here) she can preach the most heartfelt apology and plan for the future to show me how things will be different. It's always sincere too. The attempt at follow through is always there, until one day those lines are crossed all over again and the cycle repeats.

[allienoah]

I too have experienced both. I have to add that before I really started to enforce my boundaries, and JADE-ed away, he never ever apologized for anything. His behavior was always my fault. Now that he sees me disengaging from his bs and validating while not always agreeing, he has begun to apologize. But the fact remains, his behavior is his behavior. I am just trying not to let it bother me nor let this r/s define me anymore. I know he is really trying to make this work, but I just don't think this constant push/pull scenario will allow it to work. And it is exhausting to be constantly told I don't put him first, I should be making him my only priority, I should this, should that, should another thing... .Really?