How to get past anger?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi Family,

Its been 2,5 months past BU, I've been 1 months NC, then recycled for 2 weeks and now 1 month NC again without looking at social media, pictures and all. We were together for almost 2 years, knowing eachother 14 years and were on and off those 14 years. But the last 2 years we were making an effort to finally make it work. We wanted to get married, but the closer the wedding came the more dysregulated he got and my gutt told me this was no solid basis for us to get married and after yet another rage I left him.

The things I went through in this RS is typicall BPD stuff you are all so familiar with. Push/pull, breaking up with me over nonsense, manipulations, cheating, rages, lies, suicide threaths, physicall fights, isolation, jealousy, projection, crap, crap, crap. Never have I experienced so much drama and immaturity in a rs. No other has ever treated me like this.

I am doing quite ok... .At least I like to tell myself that... .. I've been devastated, I cried, I've missed him, I bargained (hence the recycle for 2 weeks) now for the past 2-3 weeks I've been ANGRY! I cant seem to get passed the anger. Every day I think of how to send him to burning hell if he'd contact me. Every day I imagine kicking the ___ out of him in my mind. (Im not a violent person!) Every day I wish he'd rot in his miserable life, never finding happiness, being miseravle for the rest of his life. He has no real job, no friends, only a weird rs with his mom. I dont wish him the best, i wish him the worst... .

This is not like me. When ever a rs would end in my life, we'd end it on good terms. Im still "friends or on good speaking terms" with my exs and I wish them all the happiness in the world! But with my dBPDexbf I just cant seem to find that place. Im stuck in anger and I so wish to get past it, cause in the end, its only bothering me! I never knew the feeling of hate, but I do now... .How did you get past this? How do you find compassion, how do you let go of all the bs they pit you through? Any ideas or tips would be very much appreciated... .

[Recooperating]

Hi Family,

Its been 2,5 months past BU, I've been 1 months NC, then recycled for 2 weeks and now 1 month NC again without looking at social media, pictures and all. We were together for almost 2 years, knowing eachother 14 years and were on and off those 14 years. But the last 2 years we were making an effort to finally make it work. We wanted to get married, but the closer the wedding came the more dysregulated he got and my gutt told me this was no solid basis for us to get married and after yet another rage I left him.

The things I went through in this RS is typicall BPD stuff you are all so familiar with. Push/pull, breaking up with me over nonsense, manipulations, cheating, rages, lies, suicide threaths, physicall fights, isolation, jealousy, projection, crap, crap, crap. Never have I experienced so much drama and immaturity in a rs. No other has ever treated me like this.

I am doing quite ok... .At least I like to tell myself that... .. I've been devastated, I cried, I've missed him, I bargained (hence the recycle for 2 weeks) now for the past 2-3 weeks I've been ANGRY! I cant seem to get passed the anger. Every day I think of how to send him to burning hell if he'd contact me. Every day I imagine kicking the ___ out of him in my mind. (Im not a violent person!) Every day I wish he'd rot in his miserable life, never finding happiness, being miseravle for the rest of his life. He has no real job, no friends, only a weird rs with his mom. I dont wish him the best, i wish him the worst... .

This is not like me. When ever a rs would end in my life, we'd end it on good terms. Im still "friends or on good speaking terms" with my exs and I wish them all the happiness in the world! But with my dBPDexbf I just cant seem to find that place. Im stuck in anger and I so wish to get past it, cause in the end, its only bothering me! I never knew the feeling of hate, but I do now... .How did you get past this? How do you find compassion, how do you let go of all the bs they pit you through? Any ideas or tips would be very much appreciated... .

[ziniztar]

As long as you don't enact whatever is happening in your head, you're ok. Trust me on this: everyone has these thoughts and they are horrible.

You can only get passed it if you don't suppress it.

So I would suggest to stop finding ways to get past it and just let it be.

If it is distracting you from other activities try to find a way to let it go.

When I am super angry I can't focus on work. I bought a little book and bring it to work every day. When I get these massive emotions I write them down and reread them. That gives a sense of peace.

Anger is good, is serves a purpose. Don't fight it   .

[Infared]

Anger is one of the 5 stages of grief. You are in the process of grieving the loss of the relationship.

www.psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/000617

Recycling disrupts and confuses this process, but NC can get you back on track... .

So it is quite normal to have a lot of anger, especially with a BPD. They are so confounding to anyone else I was ever with, and I got no closure and felt so confused and helpless... .I developed a lot of anger. A lot. My pwBPD was cheating on me and ran off with new supply always saying that there was no one. Of course I had a LOT of anger. It would be unhealthy to have none.

I got a good T and got into a self-help group to help me process it. ... .but a certain amount is totally normal. So we just have to work through the process like adults and not behave like our BPD's. 

[peiper]

I found that coming to a place of indifference helped. I don't care what happens to her. She's not worth the time or energy.

[RunForest]

So I would suggest to stop finding ways to get past it and just let it be.

If it is distracting you from other activities try to find a way to let it go.

When I am super angry I can't focus on work. I bought a little book and bring it to work every day. When I get these massive emotions I write them down and reread them. That gives a sense of peace.

Anger is good, is serves a purpose. Don't fight it   .

Hi there,

I apologize for my poor English because my native language is French.

At the moment I am living the same experience of rupture.

The best way to stay angry is wanting to hunt anger with the mind.

I am creative journal / journalizing's teacher that comes from art therapy and I apply it to myself every day especially at this time when I walk through a storm.

Turn off your mind and as mentioned by ziniztar, keep a creative journal with for example ... .scribble a picture of your BF redesigned around and unleash in visual drawings, collages or paintings : all torture images you want for him in hell.

This would also lead you to come into contact with the first big anger your life's inner child.  This anger towards your Ex BF is maybe an ultimately repetition ... .and thus better understand your your true self. And to include these childhood's event in your biography to better move forward then.

In the end I feel now -few days after the storm of anger- only compassion for the suffering of my former BF (whose disrespect is the symptoms of the disrespect he suffered as a child and has redone to himself this only model he knew)

Even a personal thank you to have met him on my way to improve myself and allow me  to fix me. (and finally I keep all the so good things he brought me and his very good sides.)

Physical activity is also very good, screaming in the woods, as well as symbolic acts such as returning his hate to him with a symbolic object of our love to a location of our love etc... .

[Infared]

I found that coming to a place of indifference helped. I don't care what happens to her. She's not worth the time or energy.

Coupled with absolute NC for me. ... otherwise in my experience the lies and manipulations just keep on coming. There is no healthy way to interact with that mess. It's frightening.

I can have empathy and understanding, but only from a safe distance.

[going places]

For me?

THIS is a daily process, sometimes minute by minute.

But I have come to the place where I realize the anger has changed "me".

SO

In order to be 'the real me, the good me', I have to forgive, and let go.

Forgive is not "pretend it didn't happen and say everything is ok".

Forgive is to see what my ex did was evil and horrible... .but if I truly want freedom from this anger and hurt?

I have to let go... .

Like holding a balloon full of poisonious gas... .you can hold onto it, and continue to stay sick.

Or you can just let it go... .turn around and walk away.

The only tangible thing holding me to the ex is the house.

Once it sells, I will pack up and move... .5 states away.

But until then, I have to forgive and let go.

It's not my job to meet out vengence, justice, punishment.

I have TOO much life to live, and I do not want to waste ONE MORE SECOND on him.

And as long as I am angry... .I am still attached to him... .it is the thread that binds us together.

SO I have to 'cut it loose'.

I have to let it go.

[tim_tom]

Enjoy the anger, don't fight it. It's part of the process...

My T says I'm finally on stage 5, acceptance... doesn't mean I'm done with this mess, as she rocked me to my core, but most of my mess in my head is about me... not losing her.

[Recooperating]

Thank you all for your kind advice! I guess I just have to let myself be angry! Maybe make that collage runforrest was talking about. Make a collage of his pics, put them on a dartboard and have myself a little throwing fest!

I would never act out my anger towards anyone, im too much of a whimp for for that 

Positive thing about anger is I get strenght from it. Strenght to move on, stay NC and make my life better. Best revenge is being happy right?

Thank you all. This too shall pass I guess!

[Perfidy]

RC, just thought I might throw this at you... .love undermines anger. Understanding that we are all caught in a similar existence facing all of the same problems and having compassion for one another is fundamental in healing. Your anger is actually based on something that isn't even real and is easily destroyed by love and compassion. 

[RunForest]

Thank you all for your kind advice! I guess I just have to let myself be angry! Maybe make that collage runforrest was talking about. Make a collage of his pics, put them on a dartboard and have myself a little throwing fest!

Good idea, do that! And Happy Halloween to you from France

[antelope]

The things I went through in this RS is typicall BPD stuff you are all so familiar with. Push/pull, breaking up with me over nonsense, manipulations, cheating, rages, lies, suicide threaths, physicall fights, isolation, jealousy, projection, crap, crap, crap. Never have I experienced so much drama and immaturity in a rs. No other has ever treated me like this.

^^re-read this paragraph

... .over and over again... .


now ask yourself, who are you really angry at? 

that's how you get over the anger: realizing the part you played in staying with a person like this and allowing yourself to be treated so poorly... .

he is who he is.  he was that person before you, and will be that person after you.

start working on figuring out who you were when you met him, who you were when you were with him, and who you want to be now 

[going places]

The things I went through in this RS is typicall BPD stuff you are all so familiar with. Push/pull, breaking up with me over nonsense, manipulations, cheating, rages, lies, suicide threaths, physicall fights, isolation, jealousy, projection, crap, crap, crap. Never have I experienced so much drama and immaturity in a rs. No other has ever treated me like this.

^^re-read this paragraph

... .over and over again... .


now ask yourself, who are you really angry at? 

that's how you get over the anger: realizing the part you played in staying with a person like this and allowing yourself to be treated so poorly... .

he is who he is.  he was that person before you, and will be that person after you.

start working on figuring out who you were when you met him, who you were when you were with him, and who you want to be now 

Yes Yes Yes.

DO NOT WASTE your energy being 'angry'.

It's ok to have 'moments' of anger... .but they have to come and go... .don't hold onto anger, or try to justify your anger... .just do it, and let it go. OR it will CONSUME you.

This is brilliant excellent advice!

[Artisan]

Being angry is not a waste.

In truth, anger is the gate keeper. Anger must be faced so that the other emotions, the vulnerability and trust and intimacy, the ability to feel joy and laugh again ... .all those other emotions we really want to feel and express hide behind anger, as a child hides behind mothers skirts.

Anger is the guardian. A fierce guardian, thankfully fierce. Because the types of hearts we have are huge, anger is there to guard us when we have been lax in guarding our own self. Anger awakens once innocence has been lost, more than just being a victim, there is also a righteousness in anger that sees and is indignant at the areas we have neglected our own self and allowed ourselves to be trod upon and cast aside, treated like trash.

Anger is a gift, the part of our own self that requires respect, dignity, and value.

Anger fades when looked at and listened to.

[Recooperating]

The things I went through in this RS is typicall BPD stuff you are all so familiar with. Push/pull, breaking up with me over nonsense, manipulations, cheating, rages, lies, suicide threaths, physicall fights, isolation, jealousy, projection, crap, crap, crap. Never have I experienced so much drama and immaturity in a rs. No other has ever treated me like this.

^^re-read this paragraph

... .over and over again... .


now ask yourself, who are you really angry at?  

that's how you get over the anger: realizing the part you played in staying with a person like this and allowing yourself to be treated so poorly... .

he is who he is.  he was that person before you, and will be that person after you.

start working on figuring out who you were when you met him, who you were when you were with him, and who you want to be now  

All I can say is TRUE! So absolutely true! Why did I stay when these things were happening? To be honest my gutt knew I had to go. I wanted to be the one that changed him. I wanted him to see I was worth the change. Instead I allowed it and all it ever did was make things worse... .I was 19 when I met him, my first bf, my first lover sexually,  I was super insecure at that age and he gave me the confidence I was special in the honeymoon. That should have come from me. we went seperate ways many times always finding each other again and the whole thing would repeat.

I am angry at him for treating me like crap, promising me he'd change, promising me to do his best in T. It was all words and no deeds. Im angrier at myself cause deep down I knew better, but never acted it on it.

Selfworth is what it comes down too. I am working on it!

Thanks so much antelope for this excellent advice. Eye-opener!  

[going places]

Anger is a waste if that is all you are. That's what I meant. Be angry sure but release it and focus your energy on living life moving forward not looking back!

[antonio1213]

I am in the anger phase right now. VERY ANGRY. I gave 110% of my everything to her and she gave 40% (if that) and walks away when she feels the way I have felt most of the relationship. I have overcome temptations of other woman(multiple times), been there for her when she cut herself and was depressed, and took her in when she needed a place to stay. Than one day she says she wants to explore but still wants me in her life packs up her stuff and leaves.

What helps me get past the anger are three things.

1) writing everything down, and getting my emotions out.

2) Forgiving myself for being in such a abusive crazy relationship

3) realize they are never going to find true happiness, always hurt people around them and most likely be alone when they are older. That is what she told me when we first started talking. She would say "I am going to be old and alone like my dad". Her dad had a bad child hood and might have BPD, idk but he has a terrible temper, never happy, abusive and alone. That is how your person is going to end up, most likely, and drag lots of souls with them. So really you should feel sorry for them. They will continue to sabotage their relationships. They will continue to be very angry, and unless they find someone who can handle them for years they will be alone (well until they split them to black that is). That it is back to the never ending black and white splitting relationship cycle.