Hoping to find help...

[kma79]

I am hoping to find out more information. I think my mom has BPD. I am an adult not living with my mom, but she is very abusive. I am finding it harder and harder to get past all the hurtful things she says. I have a hard time standing up for myself, and I am consumed with how bad I am feeling about it all.

[GaGrl]

Welcome!

We are glad you have found your way to us, even though the reason is a stressful situation for you. There are a number of members on this forum who have a parent with BPD -- either diagnosed or not -- who can offer help and support.

What makes you think your mother has BPD? Does she see a therapist or medical professional?

What is causing you the most stress and discomfort with your mother?

[kma79]

Thanks for replying! I think she has BPD, but it could be something else or a combination of things? She is unable to keep relationships. She initially likes people, and then decides that she hates them for various reasons. She does this with me too, but I am the only person left who will put up with her, but I have to tiptoe around and agree with everything she says. She badly criticizes everything about my life...where I live, my husband, my friends, that I don't visit her enough. One week she thinks I am great, and the next week she blames me for things such as her having a nervous breakdown when I was away in college. She was emotionally abusive to my brother and I growing up, and alternated between being dismissive or overly involved in an overbearing way. We had to hide problems from her, or she would find someone to verbally attack or blame aggressively for what happened. I felt like I had to (and still have to) protect others from her verbal abuse. She has seen psychiatrists in the past, but could not continue with that because she accused them of wanting her sexually or trying to sabotage her. Once she dislikes someone, she spends a lot of time harassing them via texting or emailing. When she is out in public, she often finds faults in people around her and gets into verbal fights with them, or has to complain about employees at stores to managers on a regular basis. She rarely apologizes for anything she does, but when she does, it is back handed and turns the blame on others. She thinks she is a victim, and everyone else are bullies. She takes comments that others say and turns them into a possible attack on her. Does this sound like anyone else's family member with BPD? I'm having such a hard time with it lately because I am the only person who has been putting up with it, so I am getting the brunt of all of her unhappiness or anger. Not sure what to do next?...

[Panda39]

Hi kma79,

Welcome to the group    I'm here because my Partner has an undiagnosed BPD ex-wife (uBPDxw) and they share 2 daughters.  None of us can diagnose someone with BPD but I will say your mom's behaviors do sound familiar.  I know that when I first found out about BPD I started reading...read just about everything in my local library system.  A couple of books I'd like to suggest are...

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder by Paul Mason MS, Randi Kreger

and

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship
by Christine Ann Lawson

Reading really helped me get a good grounding in what BPD is which is super helpful.  I found myself very confused by my partner's ex and her behaviors.  Reading helped me start to get a handle on what might be behind her behaviors and helped me make more sense of the chaos.  I later found this site which has been tremendously helpful in real time with practical skills and ideas.

I'm sorry you are having to deal with her behaviors it isn't easy (putting in mildly  ).  Does your brother still have a relationship with your mom?  How does your Husband feel about all of this?

I'm having such a hard time with it lately because I am the only person who has been putting up with it, so I am getting the brunt of all of her unhappiness or anger. Not sure what to do next?...

Can you tell us how much contact you currently have with her? What are you struggling with the most currently?

Panda39

[kma79]

Thanks so much for the reply and the book recommendations! I will look into them! 

As far as my contact with her...she lives in a different state, but she calls or texts me daily. I have had to go NC with her twice in the past which both lasted about 2 years.

My parents were divorced when I was young, and they had a really rough relationship with screaming, fighting and blaming all along. My mom never remarried. My brother died last year of a drug overdose, and he was my only sibling. He suffered from alcoholism for years and years before getting into drugs. So, things have gotten much worse for my mom. She won't seek professional help for this either, so she relies on me for most of her emotional needs, whether to talk about feelings or to lash out at me. My feelings are of little concern.     

My husband always tries to help and offer suggestions. He hates that I continue to get hurt by what she does. His parents are very sweet and supportive of us. I just sometimes feel very alone because I don't know anyone who knows what I am going through, but I think this will be a helpful way for me to find others who go through similar things. I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is that I want to end the abuse from her, but I would feel like I'm abandoning her. I feel such guilt when I try to stand my ground. It will help to hear how other people deal with their family members in similar circumstances I think.

[Panda39]

I'm so sorry to hear about your brother, that is a really tough loss

I hear you on the guilt, my partner's D23 is no contact (NC) with her mom and his younger D19 is low contact (LC) both struggle but in different ways.  Even though D23 has very good reason to be NC like you mentioned there is guilt associated with that and on the flip side for D19 it is about setting boundaries and being able to enforce them.

I'm sorry you feel others don't always understand.  It is hard for outsiders to understand mental illness when they have not experienced it within their own life.  I was very confused and angry by what I saw going on when I was dating my partner early on.  I knew things weren't right but I didn't have the vocabulary to describe what I was seeing.  I was always asking why would she do this or that.  I'm so glad your husband and his parents have been supportive, sounds like your hubby is a keeper    Have you ever gone to Therapy yourself?  It might be worth a try it would be someone who "gets it", someone in the real world that you can talk things over with, someone that can assist you with coping with your mom, it's just a thought.  Therapy would fall under some Self-Care for you.

I wanted to share information on FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) or emotional blackmail.  I find when my partner's ex want's something from her daughters the FOG machine runs full blast.  I think it is helpful to understand FOG and once you can understand it, then it can become easier to recognize it.  Once you are able to recognize it for what it is, I think it helps lessen those feelings of Guilt.

More on FOG...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=82926.0


I also thought this information on Family Systems might be helpful too, kind of a breakdown of a BPD Family
More on Family Systems...
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108970.msg1069733#msg1069733

Panda39

[kma79]

Thank you so much for the links to the articles! I appreciate that, and I also so much appreciate your responses!

I'm sorry your family also struggles with a family member with mental illness. It is so difficult to understand sometimes.

I haven't been to therapy yet, but I really want to start going to make more sense of everything. Thanks again for sending the FOG link. That really sounds so true of my situation as well. My mom falls into more than one of those controlling styles. 

[Harri]

Hi and !

I think the biggest thing that I struggle with is that I want to end the abuse from her, but I would feel like I'm abandoning her. I feel such guilt when I try to stand my ground. It will help to hear how other people deal with their family members in similar circumstances I think.

So many of us struggle with this feeling of guilt and feeling like we are abandoning our loved one.  You are not alone there.  Even better?  You can work through this.  Over time and with practice of new behaviors and the tools we offer here, as you detach and differentiate, the guilt will lessen and the automatic reaction of feeling like we are abandoning our pwBPD (person with BPD) will lessen.   We grew up believing our role was to take care of and protect out parent.  To put their needs first.  It is a conditioned response.  But it can change.  As we change behaviors, our feelings will follow.  The tough part is that it can be a very bumpy road for us... but it is so worth it to fight through.

The article on FOG that Panda linked is good too.  It helps us see how our loved ones disordered behavior can affect us.  The better part is that we can choose to respond differently.

I hope you keep posting and reading.  Some of us have been through this part of healing/detaching and others are still working on it.  Regardless, we all help each other.

Again, welcome.

[kma79]

Thank you so much! I wish none of us had to go through this, but it is good to know that I am not alone going through this type of thing. I am so happy that I started posting on here. I'm also glad to know that things can change...