Im looping - can you help me out?

[kiwigal]

It's April. Im already dreading Christmas.
Ive identified that in order to keep the dysfunctional in law family system going, my SIL and my MIL need to constantly position me as the scapegoat, the problem, the difficult one.

Family events only work, when thats been established. So every interaction in the weeks leading up to, or at the event, holds that moment where I will be positioned. And then they can get on with enjoying themselves.

I don't want to do it anymore but then even not going - makes me the problem.
Is this dynamic something I just have to radically accept?

[Notwendy]

It might help to understand that it isn't about you.

My mother needs to be perceived as a victim. In order for her to take "victim" perspective, she needs a "persecutor"- or scapegoat. That tends to be my position, but she takes victim perspective in general, even if that person is also a rescuer.

I have tried to "help" her for as long as I can recall. But she somehow manages to make what I do into not good enough, or wrong.

She recently had a birthday. We visited, did some nice things for her, brought her a present, but she pushed, twisted, manipulated until finally I had to say no to her requests.

Instant victim mode. What we did for her didn't seem to register. We travelled at our expense, helped to make a party for her but she manipulated the situation to where she was "victim".

I realized that her perspective wasn't reality. I'm not a bad person, I don't do things to hurt her feelings- but she perceives them that way. I can't control this, it's disordered thinking.

Being able to manage this is I think includes radical acceptance that a person's thinking is  not something you can control. I also think it's about boundaries. It feels hurtful to have the people close to you not see you for who you are, and think things about you that are not true. But boundaries are about knowing what is true about you and what isn't. Just because someone thinks something about you- doesn't make it true.

I have to have boundaries with my mother, which feels sad. We want to be close to our mothers. But mine isn't a safe person to be close to. However, I also don't try to be mean to her or hurt her feelings. It's uncomfortable when she thinks I am. But I have to hold on to what is reality and what is her feelings. Feelings may feel like fact to her, but they aren't. When I can hold on to my reality, it's possible to manage.

You don't have to see your family for Christmas. But if you do, you can do it with boundaries. Make the visit short, don't stay with them. The boundary is about you. How much contact can you manage or do you want? If it's none, that's your decision. You can make that.

[zachira]

Being the family scapegoat is painful beyond what words can describe, and knowing you will be treated badly by your family when you challenge how they treat you makes it hard to know what to do. I just finished reading "Scapegoat Child", a  69 page account of a woman who has overcome being the scapegoat of the family. It is really the best thing I have read on this topic, and you can buy this book on Amazon if it interests you. We are here to help, so do keep us posted on what is going on, and writing about your feelings a few times a week can be a journal of your journey, as you work towards deciding what to do about Christmas and future interactions/non interactions with your family.

[LFCNZ]

It's April. Im already dreading Christmas.
Ive identified that in order to keep the dysfunctional in law family system going, my SIL and my MIL need to constantly position me as the scapegoat, the problem, the difficult one.

Family events only work, when thats been established. So every interaction in the weeks leading up to, or at the event, holds that moment where I will be positioned. And then they can get on with enjoying themselves.

I don't want to do it anymore but then even not going - makes me the problem.
Is this dynamic something I just have to radically accept?

Interesting, my mother(BPD) seems to have major issues with my wife, my wife has done so much for my mum and stepfather, but then when my mum has had her episodes(usually a suicide attempt) all this rage gets directed at my wife, I wish my mother would direct it at me instead.  Her latest suicide attempt is the last straw for me, I have to cut myself, wife and kids off from her completely as she is just too toxic to be around.

[JNChell]

No, this isn’t something that you need to accept. It’s your MIL & SIL that are causing these feelings. If I may, as a man, why isn’t your husband supporting you and sticking up for you? I’m not trying to start a rift, but in order to get past this stuff, you have to look at all of it.

When S5’s mom was pregnant we weren’t even living together yet. One night I got a call from her saying that her mom kicked her and her daughter out of the car. She was also pregnant with our Son. It was a bad part of town and she was sitting in a Taco Bell. I went to get her. We went to her mom’s, where she was living. I immediately got out of the car and pounded on the door. The first words out of my mouth were “are you dumb or just stupid?” to her mom. I helped S5’s mom take her things to her sisters house. The thing is, I was ostracized for sticking up for her. It never went away and was held over me as things began to layer.

I think it’s important for you to talk to your husband about this.

[LFCNZ]

If I may, as a man, why isn’t your husband supporting you and sticking up for you?

Agree with this comment, as hard as it maybe for your husband, he has to make a stand against his mum/sister and their toxic behavior,  I have chosen my wife and children over my mothers BPD, its hard, but know its the right thing to do.

[Notwendy]

Perpective is interesting. When I first read this, my thoughts went to the victim triangle dynamic because it is prevalent in my family.


But as this is your MIL, I agree with the others- where's your H on this?

Now this is the tricky part- when we grow up in a dysfunctional family, the dynamics feel "normal" to us because, we don't know any different. I'm not letting your H off the hook here, but I am proposing that this dynamic is all he knew growing up- and he might not be fully aware of his role in it because it's his "normal".

He may also fear standing up to his FOO- because the consequences of this to him could be severe ( of course so are the consequences of having his wife be the scapegoat too).

I have sadly seen this "choice" often, on this board and in my own FOO. My BPD mother places people "on her side" or "not her side". It seems twisted to make the choice- your mother or your wife, your child or your wife, but she does it. So while your H may want to stand up to her, the consequences could be a damaged relationship with his father or other family members his mother draws "to her side". While he may love you, and choose you, it's an emotionally tough choice.

He may benefit from counseling and even the two of you might. It's hard to not be somewhat enmeshed in a dysfunctional family pattern. We marry as adults, but our family patterns are established before that. They are our normal and as kids, even necessary- for our own well being in such a family. The good news is that, if we learned them to adapt, we can also "unlearn" them and learn other ways.

So while I agree with the others- involve your H- it may take some work on his part to get to that.

For you thought, you have a choice too. You can say to your H " I know it's important for you to be with your family at Christmas, but it's tough on me emotionally, I would prefer you visit on your own". That is your boundary. You might not be able to change your H or his FOO- but you don't have to put up with being mistreated by anyone. Your H may not like it- but that's not your family issue to fix.

[LFCNZ]

Now this is the tricky part- when we grow up in a dysfunctional family, the dynamics feel "normal" to us because, we don't know any different. I'm not letting your H off the hook here, but I am proposing that this dynamic is all he knew growing up- and he might not be fully aware of his role in it because it's his "normal".

Totally agree, I grew up thinking it was normal having to support my mother emotionally not the other way around, when I learned later in life that there were actual mothers out there who had their PLEASE READ together emotionally and supported their child's emotional needs it blew my mind.

When my mother/step father stayed with my wife and I,  I knew what to expect, but my wife didn't, I feel bad I exposed my wife and daughter to my mums behaviour in hindsight, I guess to me though it seemed normal though as I had grown up with it.

[JNChell]

Have you had in depth conversations with your husband that bare fruit? If you can’t get him on your side of things, it won’t go well.