D Day -3

[Stylianos]

This is my first post to this part of bpdfamily - I feel like i graduated! but that is where the feeling markedly detour... .now im dealing with a heady mixture of deep sadness, self doubt, anger, bold determination... .and a small bit of schadenfreude.  when i was away from her today i had most of the negative feelings and when i got home early (she woke up today at the crack of 4pm) i immediately realized no matter what crazy obstacles are placed in my path  - that this is the absolute best and most substantive decision i have made in years.

I paid the lawyer yesterday  (D Day -4) - he filed the paperwork today - and she gets served the papers on monday (D Day).

From what i can tell this is the day that her behavior will rapidly change and not for the better... . 

part of the anxiety i am subjecting myself to is how will she deliver her response... .

I did significant research on attorneys (saw 3) studied dozens and found one that seemed like the one - ive been consulting with him since march - and have been indecisively on the fence waiting for the "right time" - her behaviour and the fact that its been the right time for over 8 years helped me stroke the check. 

We have two small children D7 S5, and their well being through this is my biggest concern and worry... .i dont know what to tell them, how to tell them, and what face my spouse will put forward when this conversation takes place - all the sites out in the interwebs which discuss this issue for normies make it sound like the two divorcing parents will maturely sit down and have a tough but caring and sensitive discussion with small children in order to help them through this very difficult time - i have absolutely no expectation that the woman who recreationally overdosed on her meds on xmas eve and was found passed out on the kitchen floor by two children waking up at 0500 to see their wonderful haul/xmas magic etc... .  would be able to "do the right thing" for the benefit of her children.

how did anyone else deal with this with an Anti-parent?

thanks in advance!

S

[livednlearned]

Hi Stylianos,

I'm sorry that I didn't see your post sooner and that you haven't had any responses. Filing for divorce is a big deal, and I hope we can bump this up to the top and get some more input into your situation.

First, big hug to you.    It's so hard when there are kids involved, you have your own grief and disappointment, plus theirs, as well as the stress of family law court. Do you have a T to help you through this? Do the kids have a therapist?

I left my N/BPDx 4.5 years ago and had to leave abruptly in a bit of a dramatic exit, taking S14 with me (he was 9 at the time). These are the hardest divorces on kids, although I take comfort from what I've learned reading about trauma in kids. That they can survive a lot of trauma as long as it is processed, which is about validating their feelings (this builds emotional resilience).

Something else I learned about kids and divorce. Younger kids tend to focus on very pragmatic things, whereas we tend to focus on the big things. "Mommy and daddy love you, it's not your fault" etc. I read some research on this (unfortunately after the fact) and very few parents sit down and say anything about how it is going to be in concrete terms, "We are going to have two houses. You'll have a tooth brush at my house, and a different one at mommy's house. You'll take the same school bus, and stay at school with all your friends. Some things might be different, like x and y, and a and b. This is the first time we've done this, and we have some things we all have to figure out, and I know we can do it, even if there are mistakes along the way. We'll talk to each other and see each other lots, and if we have things that we're not sure about, we can talk about them. Sometimes, we'll feel sad, and sometimes we'll be angry, and that's ok too."

That kind of stuff. You'll be doing all of this because your ex has too many emotional limitations.

I told my son that there were a lot of adults helping me and his dad figure things out, and we didn't always agree, so it might take a while to come up with a plan. And even then, we might change it if it needed tweaking. Some parents here, based on how things work where they live, have to tell the kids about court and judges. If you can, maybe just put it in general terms, or avoid talking about it all together.

We have a lot of good resources on the Coparenting board. Lesson 5 is about raising emotionally resilient kids -- a big goal for many of us here. Your wife is likely to engage in parental alienation (Lesson 6). The degree to which she engages in this is variable, although it's almost for certain she will engage in at least some of it.

That's why Lesson 5 is so important, especially the stuff on validation. Your wife is not able to validate the kids because of her disorder, she will instead use them to externalize feelings that she cannot process. For example, if she feels like a failure, and cannot tolerate that, she must project onto the kids what a bad parent you are. Then she can experience her feelings through the kids without having to be held accountable.

There are skills and techniques to counter this, and lots of members here who have to deal with it.

What kind of relationship do the kids have with their mom? With you?

[Stylianos]

Yesterday was D-day (and i havent slept yet)

Thank you so much for reading and responding to my post.

Her  behavior the past week has been so atrocious and hurtful, i had engaged with her negatively verbally and by text - opening up with my feeling and the truth... .but it was so raw and out of character for me.  I hated myself when i was like that... .not because i felt she didnt deserve it - but because i was sounding like her. 

D-day began normally (as it is for us) i woke up squared away the kids with breakfast and clothes and took them off to camp.  Knowing today was the day that the papers were being served i took off from work just so i can be around to keep the kids where they were supposed to be.  Plus i needed to buy a dedicated voice recorder as i found my phone wasnt getting the job done.  The reason for this is because Sunday, while i was downstairs with the kids watching tv (they were playing and being a bit rowdy but no more than normal) and she had yelled for them to come upstairs.  Something wasnt right so i followed behind.   Just as i was trailing behind them i heard her quiz them "What happened downstairs? did Daddy hurt you?  Did anybody touch you or hurt you?  you have to tell mommy if you were yelling if someone hurt you... ."  She saw me just as she finished her first three questions and then shifted to some other inane topic.  I couldnt believe it.  I know its in the book, and on this site and all of the others but i didnt think it would happen.  The kids blew her off as they had no clue what she was really getting at.  (last time anyone received corporal punishment was over a year ago when the boy tried to head off into the street, and i dont do it because its just not effective)

So i knew i have to be recording. 

Its odd because after her behaviour the last whole week and her actions over the weekend i was painted black as night - but today as i was finishing up in the store after dropping off the kids she had called me.  Her call was conciliatory and even almost true regret for all she has said or done the past week.  Its almost as if she has some kind of ESP that the papers were coming and she knew she needed to clean things up.  We spoke on and off througout the day and i guess she just cought my demeanor that she knew i was different than usual.  this caused anxiety in her.

Finally the papers get served at 5 pm.  I was standing by at camp just in case she made a bee line to them or something drastic. 

She was blindsided - devastated.  There was no schadenfreude or high fiving for me (not that i would do that normally anyway) but instead of comeuppance or payback there was just an enormous amount of sadness and dread - as this is just really the begining of a new level of suck in our house.  The petition in black and white was brutal - i would never want to be on the receiving end of this - even if it was all true.

When i got home with the kids it was just her shattered putting forth undying devotion, to threatening to spread negative stories about me to my work etc... .she shifted several times from denial to threats, to blame, to alluding to suicide.   A toxic stew which i wanted (but didnt) to end just by saying "i take it all back, ill make it better".  Thats what i have done the whole time, always reaping poor results.

Ultimately she went to her room and shut the door.  I periodically checked to hear her and look for empty pill bottles.  It is an awful feeling.

She is on SSD for her pain disorder (fibermyalgia, degenerative disk disease and anxiety is what she sold to SS).  She has been on a narcotic painkiller since the youngest was born.  Her autoimune and pain disorders didnt start until after the pregnancy.   Percocet after her c-section which never went away and graduated to oxicodene 15mg and a fetnyl pain patch.  This is all in addition to her psyche meds, Lithium, clonopin, topomax, and a few others.

I am the primary caretaker of the kids and house.  She doesnt do anything... .because of pain (unless it suits her of course  - going out on the weekend dancing with her friends till 4 am) So i work and do my best to keep the wheels on with evertying else (shopping, laundry, house chores, bills, kid stuff  - lunches, homeworks, playdates).  I am a good dad but a half@ss mom.  I wish i was better, house cleaner, etc.  but its not just the basic stuff its her mess as well as she could care less about her mess or trying to keep the kids from making a mess.

All that being said when she is not sleeping or attached to netflix she is receptive to the kids and they love her.  They have zero expectations of her (ie come to me with everything) and at times they act as a caregiver/fetcher to her... .which is not right.  Kids arent supposed to be parents.   BUt she encourages it.

I am very close to them - i can be fun dad or no fun dad as nececssary - and if i dont do it (whatever it is) it wont get done.

I dont want to punish dBPDw, i just know i cant run this situation any further as the effects to my health and mental well being are strained - and again if i fail i am afraid of where they would be.

So that goes with my plan to stay in the house and push hard at court.  This leaves me open to her crazy shenanigans once she regains her footing and finds some "allies".  Plus the everpresence of false allegations - i have to sleep with one eye open.  I am scared but have no other choice.  I hope this gets easier, we still havent spoken to the kids because so much is still up in the air as to living arrangements.  I hurt for them - i have gone to lengths to make up for her shortcoming or block out her behaviors.  BUt they love her because she is their mom.  its so sad.

thanks,

S

[livednlearned]

Stylianos,

I feel for you. It's truly the depths when we decide that enough is enough. By then, usually there has been a slow death spiral for many, many years. It sounds like you have done a lot of research and understand the knock-out punches that can go with these divorces. Has your wife attempted to commit suicide before?

What kind of strategy do you have in mind? What sort of custody arrangement are you aiming for?

Your wife may start the alienation campaign in a big way, telling them that you did something (infidelity, DV, etc.). There are really two battles ahead. One is the straight up battle in court for custody. The other is for the hearts and minds of the kids. This second one can be a doozy. If you can, try to get them into therapy so they have a neutral third-party to talk to. If your wife starts the parental alienation, your kids will not know who to believe. Unfortunately, we can't just tell them the truth. She will put them squarely in the middle, and you cannot back down from that, but you also can't get triangulated -- you have to very deftly show the kids that there is a way out of the triangle.

Keep posting and hang in there. It really will suck for a while, tho I found that once there was physical space, a whole new trajectory of healing came my way, worth everything to get to the point I'm at now. You put a heroic amount of effort into the marriage and didn't make this decision lightly -- being the one who decides to leave is a less devastating healing trajectory, a small silver lining if there was one.

LnL

[ForeverDad]

Her  behavior the past week has been so atrocious and hurtful, i had engaged with her negatively verbally and by text - opening up with my feeling and the truth... .but it was so raw and out of character for me.  I hated myself when i was like that... .not because i felt she didnt deserve it - but because i was sounding like her.

You already know you can't reason with her or for her to be consistently reasonable.  After all these years of discord (and disorder), she will not be able to hear you through her perceived emotional baggage.  People with BPD are so very triggered in close emotional relationships and what is closer than husband and wife?

So it is best to not aggravate the situation more by trying to explain your perspective (reality) to her, she's not listening.  If you want Closure, you probably won't get it from her, Closure will have to be something you Gift yourself.

And yes, recording is probably a wise thing to do.  There's a two-fold purpose, first (self-protection) to prove you didn't do or say anything actionable of wrong and second (reality check) to prove the other person is the one acting poorly.  (I recorded when I called the emergency number 911 and (1) I believe I was about to be carted off to spend the night in jail right then except my son was sobbing and clinging to me and (2) later I played the recording to the police and she was the one that had to face charges of Threat of DV.  Yes, having a recording can make a difference.)

Of course, by recording it also means you can't respond to her in the same way she criticizes or verbally attacks you.  No yelling, no pushing, no shoving, etc.  Any verbal or written communications need to be worded so that you have nothing to fear if they're given to a custody evaluator or the court.  You don't want to give her any evidence to support a claim against you, however twisted and distorted it may be.

I heard her quiz them "What happened downstairs? did Daddy hurt you?  Did anybody touch you or hurt you?  you have to tell mommy if you were yelling if someone hurt you... ."  I couldn't believe it.  I know its in the book, and on this site and all of the others but i didn't think it would happen.

So i knew i have to be recording.

My then-spouse did that too in the final months before our separation.  It was like she was preparing herself mentally, looking for some excuse or pretext to make allegations.  Based on that alone I will emphasize our typical warnings, I believe you may face allegations of child abuse during the divorce case.  She will feel that she has to make you look worse than her.

As for your sad feelings and her high/low extremes, you are right, the only path is going forward, a retreat would only be returning to the roller coaster cycles from one extreme to the other extreme.  Best to not let her Guilt you or make you feel Obligated to try again and again.  Keep emotions out of the divorce process unwinding the marriage.

A risk for us... .  F.O.G = Fear, Obligation, Guilt

How confusing, she poses to be in utter pain and distress her whole life but can go out dancing for hours on end?  I think as you do, the problem is not her body but her inner self.

[hojo53]

Wow Stylianos, I'm so sorry for what you and your children are going through.

I can say this, your description about your wife, her BPD, your history and her actions... .are 110% EXACTLY what I've experienced with my wife. I'm in a similar stage as you now, only thing different is, I haven't filed for divorce yet, but have an attorney. Like you, I'm a complete wreck as well. My focus is on the kids.

I'm fairly new to these boards, but I can tell you that just reading many stories that I'm not the only one going through this, has helped big time.

I'm a shell of a person from when I first met my wife. I just can't take it any more. Sounds like you're the same.

It extremely difficult, I know. But for the sake of your kids, AND your mental and physical health, you're doing the right thing. They need daddy to be OK in order to take care of them.

[Stylianos]

Thank you to all who have read and provide support and guidance - last few days have been worse than sere school.

I spoke about D-day (had her served with divorce papers),

Here is D+1/2... .

all  of D+1 she was almost catatonic, she had been taking her klonopin and seroquel to excess.  In the morning i got the kids up fed and out the door to camp.  Stayed out for a while and came back - i worry for her as she has alluded about taking pills.  Then when we spoke she tried to love bomb alternating with how can you do this to me... .kept trying to argue it was one time (the infidelity) not taking into account the horrible things she said to me when she gave me the "open marriage" ultimatum.  Spouse also claimed i placed a recorder in her room and it clicked every time i walked by.  Totally untrue and illegal (if im not there).  I do however have the digital voice recorder on me at all times now and turn it on if there is any engagement with her... .it paid off (more in D+2) .  I tried initially arguing but split when she shouted or cursed at me.

I know shouldnt even be there but i worry about the pills. 

She had been hospitalized in 2008, taking a handful of xanax when i had to deploy overseas for a 3 month assignment.  Also in May she sent me a sh!tty "goodbye" text at 1200 AM with the whole "tell the kids i love them".  When i went upstairs ready to call an ambulance she changed her tune and said she only took one extra... .It was a test but i was up all night checking on her.


Most of D+1/2 she had been pretty much un-involved with kids and when she tried to discuss the matter with me in front of the kids i would not engage, told her not here and not now  - and redirected the kids.  The kids routine hasnt really changed because i take care of all of there stuff. D+1- i found myself to the therapist and had a one hour session.  (selfcare) i was me telling my story not really looking for answers, and its amazing to get a supply of validation.

In the morning of D+2 she layed it on triangulating the children... .it was disgusting and caused them to cry.  When i got back today spouse had accused me of moving her pain pills.  I didnt - although i was afraid that she had her bottle oxycodene pills.  Her room (our former room) is absolutely trashed with junk everywhere, clothes, dishes, and cigarette butts.  No wonder she cant find her stuff.  She has found a lawyer and plans to meet tomorrow. 

I went out to the pharmacy to pick up medicine for S5 and also was able to get a psyche appointment for D7andS5 tomorrow morning to counter the craziness they are dealing with.  Essentially i have been trying to keep everything the same for them routines/meals/together time.

When i got home is when she went on the offensive.  SHe had come down to the basement and in a low guttural growl stated "you are trying to take my children? you crushed my soul... .  i wont stop until i crush your soul."  She then called the police and claimed that i had child porn on my computer 6 years ago. (Note six years ago i did struggle with porn- not child porn, but that didnt matter to her)  All porn to her (and really to me as i try to be a better me) is wrong, and she had used that as an attack point for a long time to make me feel like sh1t.  Her trumped up allegation though - totally false.  Its almost as if she had been following this pre-ordained course of destruction.  (Interesting aside - the officer who showed up to the house was the same one who arrested her in February when she passed out at dude's apartment and wouldnt wake up/get out.  Also same officer who came to our house after i called them last week when she decided to throw dinner plates at me and smash them to the floor (i bugged out of house and called police).  The cops were very patient with her and let her know there was nothing they can do without evidence, and left without talking to me.  SHe then proceeded to call my employer with the same accusation.  (i had emailed my HR and supervisory chain and let them know that i served papers monday and gave them the fortune cookie description of her illness.)

I went to get a cup of coffee and just sat there dumbfounded - this person - would do this to me... .and most likely worse.  It was a sobering realization.

It is a very scary incident and reconfimed my decision and my will to push for a better life for my children and I.  because frankly seeing her when she was catatonic on D-day and D+1 really really pulled at me.

I need to sleep and have been sleeping behind a locked door at night.  tomorrow is the kids therapist - and a strategy meeting with lawyer.  i am praying a lot.

Thank you for listening - i hope this helps someone (it has and is helping me)

S

[livednlearned]

Giving your employer a heads up was a good idea! You can neutralize a lot of stuff in these divorces if you're a step ahead, and it sounds like you are. My ex sent emails to my boss, plus other people involved in my work (grant funded) and it's pretty awful, even if your coworkers are on your side. All that personal business getting trotted out in front of your peers 

I found this article uncanny in capturing the emotional/psychological effects of divorce, leading up to and after. At the end of the article it says it can take up to 4-8 years to recover financially and emotionally. I think therapy can help minimize the emotional impact -- it helps you process the feelings (whether it's white knight or dealing with retribution). Same for the kids.

This one is for us, the adults: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271676.msg12577883#msg12577883

This one is about the kids: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=271677.msg12577885#msg12577885

Do you have a crisis plan in place if she tries to overdose? NAMI has a plan on their site that's useful for thinking through all the steps. Sort of like preparing for a high-conflict divorce... .

[ForeverDad]

She will feel that she has to make you look worse than her.  No matter what it takes.  You already know what one allegation was, there will be more.  Repeat, there will be more.  Like a school kid throwing spit balls at the wall of the classroom, she's hoping something will stick or have an impact.  When one allegation fails, she will flail out with another different or slightly different.  I lost count of my Ex's allegations and I'm sure there were some I never heard about.

Sadly, the emergency responders and agencies will assume her allegations are true until they reach an 'unsubstantiated' conclusion.  Technically, it is that way so as not to scare away the reporter/whistleblower in case there are more 'incidents' to report.  In practice, the reporter, if acting-out disordered, is enabled and emboldened by the lack of consequences.  I used to describe it as, "Well, maybe on the 101st allegation there might be a shred of truth in it, somewhere."

Fortunately, you have at least some documentation, a history of police interactions with her, strong medications.  Continue protecting yourself from false allegations, twisted allegations and being framed for mischief.

As for her latest allegation, if they are about events years ago, the professionals will more or less ignore it, besides no proof they also stick to only recent incidents - generally any allegations about incidents older than 6 months is considered legally stale unless used to establish a pattern.

Sadly, listen to her perception that "you are trying to take my children? you crushed my soul... .  i wont stop until i crush your soul."  Though it is mostly about her own distorted perceptions, in part she is right, you should and will try to get as much parental authority and parenting time as you can.  While the court likely won't protect the children from all her poor behaviors, you do have basis to step forward and seek as much authority and time as the court will allow, for the children's sakes.

[Stylianos]

d+3

She attempted to commit suicide with pills.

Tonight - i had picked up the kids from camp and fed them and when we got home i found her incoherent and stumbling and claiming she had taken a quantity of meds and to call the emts. I did. they took her to the ER and admitted her to the ICU.  Last report was that she was stable but they are watching closely.  I really feel like she waited till we got home to down the meds.  Who does this?  i stayed home with the kids.  I cant sit bedside and try to pawn the kids off on a neighbor after that fiasco. Got a report from docs and after her time in ICU they will have to decide if she will be admitted or not.

She was really and truely devastated by the divorce papers.  She was supposed to meet a lawyer today (but never showed) prior to her suicide attempt.  The papers are damning and i think that was  huge abandonment/narcissistic injury that she could not make compatible.  But it says another thing - essentially she had not for a second thought i was capable of or frankly had the 'balls' to call her on her nonsense and behaviors.  And really the divorce papers (along with my stated intent to follow through) was the first real boundary that she had run up against with me.  tragic on both of our accounts in that she had no concept of sensible limits, and i was unable to establish effective boundaries.  I need to grow through this.

this world that they live in is so sad... .

im holding on with threads and am reaching out to folks for which i thank god.  but ultimately this is just something i have to weather... .undoubtedly i dont want to be with her any longer and in a sad ironic way her crying out for control and attention will strengthen my legal case, but those kids are still hers... .  how can she do that to them.  thanks to all who read and learn and provide guidance - this site has helped me so much.

rgds

s

[livednlearned]

Stylianos,

I'm so sorry it had to get this bad. For her, for you, for the kids.  :'( It's an awful disorder, and you did the right thing to call EMTS.

Can you and the kids get family counseling? Looking back on my own divorce and the trauma that went with it -- I see now that I parked S14 in therapy, and I was in therapy separately. For a few of the traumatic events, I wish we had come together and had someone bear witness to our pain and grief together. I made the mistake of holding myself to an impossible standard (hold it together for S14), and I think what he needed more than anything was to lean in and feel less alone as we went through it. Maybe there is counseling like that for families in the wake of a suicide attempt? Trauma counselors say that kids can sustain deep emotional injuries if the trauma is processed, which gives me comfort.

When my son's father was legally removed from his life, I did not recognize the severity of that trauma because I was too busy focusing on removing the threat. What I failed to realize is that the threat was also something S14 craved and desperately wanted. The loss triggered a serious depression with suicide ideation for S14  :'( :'( :'(

Grieving this mental illness is complex  :'(

[ForeverDad]

Officially, the professionals state we are not trained and can't be sure whether someone is really suicidal or trying to manipulate, guilt or control.  Yes, we've lived with them for years and know them best but they still want us to report these attempts to get help and let them figure it out.  That you believe she did it just before you came home indicates she wasn't really trying to die, she wanted you to rush around rescuing her, maybe it was about her neediness, maybe about control, maybe about distraction from the impending divorce, maybe all of that, probably more.

However, what she just did resulted in something else very important that REQUIRES action... .if you ensure family court is informed of these events then almost certainly she will not be seen as a responsible parent who should be in charge of the children, not even in the court's initial temporary order.  (Mothers almost always get very favorable temporary orders.)  What could have been a very uphill struggle for you as a Father to seek custody, decision making, residential parent, majority parenting time, etc is now much more likely to happen.  It's like her disorder caused her to make bad overreactions and Gift you support in your case.  Repeat, the court will see suicide attempts, whether real or contrived or staged, as very serious indicators of a persons inability to be in charge of major decisions and parenting.

All this depends upon you not hiding her poor mental state.  If you feel sorry for her and try to minimize it to the court, you will essentially be sabotaging yourself.  You SHOULD NOT and CANNOT hide this and prior incidents.  Family court needs ALL the information pertinent to the case in order to make appropriate orders.

You probably should seek temporary custody, if you haven't already, and have firm control of her visitation with the children, appropriate for her sate of mind at the time.  Maybe she shouldn't have overnights alone with them, that is, unsupervised.  But whatever else don't fail to report this to the court and don't feel (too) sorry for her, your children's welfare now and for years to come depend upon you standing up and taking charge.

It's very sad what happened but it will turn out to help family court to make a better decision and more quickly.  Often our fathers here get lousy temporary orders and it takes years for court to figure out that they should be more involved in the parenting and custodial matters.  For example, My temp orders were for alternate weekends.  It took 2 years to get equal time, another 3 years to get custody and almost another 3 years to get majority time.  My son was 3 when we entered court and almost 12 for that last order, virtually his entire childhood was overshadowed with us parents in conflict centered around court.  If you can avoid such lengthy processes to get things right, then do it!

[Thunderstruck]

I'm very sorry that this happened.

You could check on this, but I believe an adult attempting suicide in front of their kids is abuse. If you reported it to CPS it could start the dependency process, which would require her to seek therapy and maybe even rehab for pills. Of course, check with your L before you do anything like that.

[Stylianos]

D+4

Hi folks.  Last night was the first night i slept soundly... .  and door unlocked.  Although i swear a few times my mind thought it heard some of her familiar sounds as she would rattle through the upstairs - it really was just my mind.

I didnt go to the hospital - stayed home with my kids and did best to return them to their routine.

Update on her  - is that they did the normal overdose treatment, and vitals were strong enough that they didnt have to intubate.  Kept her in icu  for last night today into tomorrow because they cant put a number on what meds and in what quantities so they are playing it safe.  I have pinging the nursing staff and attending drs about her condition and think that once she is medically stable then they will move to a psyche eval. 

This morning i went about the kids morning routine and they didnt miss a beat -  i had a harder time then they did, which brings me to me... .

In addition to the most valuable resource this site is and has been for me , i am blessed to have some strong close friends and neighbors who have reached out.  i am very grateful.  One somewhat disconcerting comment im getting from folks once i let them my plan to divorce was "wow... .i really cant believe you lasted this long... ."  I cant put my finger on why this bothers me - is it me taking offense for feeling like a dope all this time, or that no one said anything to me - at least in a way in which i could hear it.  but then again my biggest pasttime was covering up for, glossing over, and basically cleaning up the mess left in her wake for so long so i must not have looked like i wanted their advice.  Also its another level of awareness that no matter how much i thought i could keep this between our walls - i totally didnt succeed.

LNL - thank you for your advice. i had sought out counseling for myself as well as for my children however i absolutely see the value in group conseling so we can see each other dealing with our feelings and not trying to keep it a secret.  secrets are what kept me in so long. so i will definitely work to make that happen.

Forever Dad - i appreciate your sound advice - and had done just that.  the time for covering is over and although a tragic event - she is alive and has the opportunity to become well enough to spend quality time with our kids.  But she wont be able until she is.  I fired off all pertinent to the L and monday we are filing with the court a petiition for sole custody due to her history as well as this recent event.  It will only be temporary but it will provide big roadblocks and hurdles towards her in the future and i hope will push her to get the treatment and therapy she needs.  I definitely dont want to see her on the street but i also dont want her in the house to pull this stunt again in front of the children.  I hope court backs me up.

i am prepared to subsidize alternate housing for her if it will help the court make a favorable decision on custody and living arrangements.

I spoke with her docs who had been prescribing all of her meds.  It looks like they will no longer prescribe these meds to her because the risk she poses now outweighs any benefits which would come from the meds.  She is going to be in a tough spot detoxing - but it may be the push she needs to change.  I am still moving forward with court stuff and will not let up until i know i will be able to keep them safe.

Thunderstruck, thanks for the info - i will run it by my L and see what their take is - it may help.

Thanks to all for all your help - and hoping this helps someone somewhere.

rgds,

s

[livednlearned]

One somewhat disconcerting comment im getting from folks once i let them my plan to divorce was "wow... .i really cant believe you lasted this long... ."  I cant put my finger on why this bothers me - is it me taking offense for feeling like a dope all this time, or that no one said anything to me - at least in a way in which i could hear it.  but then again my biggest pasttime was covering up for, glossing over, and basically cleaning up the mess left in her wake for so long so i must not have looked like i wanted their advice.  Also its another level of awareness that no matter how much i thought i could keep this between our walls - i totally didnt succeed.

I got this response too. One thing I worked out for myself about this -- my friends are not therapists. They are not counselors, and did not have the sensibilities nor the tools to help me leave an abusive relationship. I also remember being in group therapy with other women and how slow the fog cleared, even knowing that they were right (telling me to leave), and how resistant I was to pull the pin on my marriage. I got really mad at them (ostensibly for other things), but a condition of joining the group was to stay and ride it out for a year. With friends, you can just block access, and they know it.

The psychological/emotional process of preparing to leave is often a very long one with a lot of doubt, and your friends wanted to stay friends with you. They knew if they said anything, you might withdraw from them, which is a common reaction.

The other thing is that yes, we absolutely are dopes for thinking we hid the strain from people. And we are forgiven for being dopes because quite likely we learned to have a Herculean sense of caretaking powers that worked well in childhood (for whatever reason), and became altogether fictitious in our adult lives. The decision to leave a highly dysfunctional marriage was the beginning of the great ego cracking for me. A lot of false sense of strength and obligation cracked off and wow was it painful. I gather from what I've learned here is that not everyone goes for the ego cracking. It seems to be optional, tho I would encourage you to feel the pain as deeply as you can because it is directly proportional to the relief you will feel down the road.

There is a Mary Oliver poem called Wild Geese and the line, "You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert" describes this to me in a nutshell. You are grown now, and don't have to do this anymore, this false sense of being the one who never cracks. You can change the script for your kids and invite them to feel vulnerable as you learn to feel this way too. For me it felt like opening a door to emotions of years past, processing them properly, and laying to rest what I no longer needed to carry. It's truly cleaning house, and more than that -- bringing back into your life a vocabulary around emotions that your kids can use as they become emotionally resilient. They will need this to help avoid the higher than normal risk of developing a pathology of their own, given the crapshoot of genetics and growing up in an emotionally invalidating environment.

You're doing the courageous thing. 

[gomez_addams]

And yes, recording is probably a wise thing to do.  There's a two-fold purpose, first (self-protection) to prove you didn't do or say anything actionable of wrong and second (reality check) to prove the other person is the one acting poorly.  (I recorded when I called the emergency number 911 and (1) I believe I was about to be carted off to spend the night in jail right then except my son was sobbing and clinging to me and (2) later I played the recording to the police and she was the one that had to face charges of Threat of DV.  Yes, having a recording can make a difference.)

Of course, by recording it also means you can't respond to her in the same way she criticizes or verbally attacks you.  No yelling, no pushing, no shoving, etc.  Any verbal or written communications need to be worded so that you have nothing to fear if they're given to a custody evaluator or the court.  You don't want to give her any evidence to support a claim against you, however twisted and distorted it may be.

With the voice recorder in my pocket, I found it much easier to stay calm.  I knew I was being watched, in a sense. 

One bit of advice I received on another board is to not use your phone as the recorder.  $30 at Best Buy will get you a decent voice recorder.  In an emergency, when you need your phone the most, you may have to shut off the recording app in order to make the 9-1-1 call.  And that's the moment when you need the tape to be rolling.

Also, in a DV situation, folks who are hyper-emotional have a tendency sometimes to grab the phone from you. 

Gomez

[Stylianos]

D+5

Rains and Pours.

Friday evening after i got home from work and got the kids from camp i got a call that my mom was in the icu with a bloodclot in her leg (she has cardiac and vascular problems.   

I sat still for a while and made the decision to go there (220miles away).  Fortunately spouses family is on the way so i was able to drop off the kids with them for 2 days.  (lost dad in2012 to a similar condition).  The idea of me sitting at home stressing wifes situation (essentially volutarilly placing herself in the ICU for selfish and most likely manipulative reasons) or to see my mom and siblings in a bad spot -esepecially since the siblings have been with me through my "issue" 100 percent.  It was tense and scary but we waited through tonights surgery and received a favorable report from doc.  Saw mom although she was banged up from the surgery - it was just nice to be with my family and frankly to pull my head out of my ass and to focus onto something else that isnt dripping with crazy.  Gonna see mom in the AM then plan to head back collect the beans and prepare for this week.

Note on spouse - she is medically stable with no apparent lasting affects from the overdose.  They moved her out of the ICU (which really chaps me that she took a spot someone else may have needed) and onto a medical floor with an attendant to watch her.  They are waiting for a bed to open up at a dedicated psych facility and most likely will find her way into one tomorrow i hope. 

Today i had phoned some of her family to let them know whats going on... .again i got the "wow, really surprised you made it this long" bit and apparently absolute support for my decision and my goal of doing all i can to keep the kids in a safe home.  This is all of her direct relatives.  It was good for me to hear this and helped me to fortify myself and my decision to move forward "like the wehrmacht through poland in 1939" (thank you goateeki).

Somehow this evening spouse managed to call out to my cell phone.  (i guess b/c she is not yet in a psych facility and instead a modified medical floor)  SHe was lucid,and full of fire and ill will... .i could hear it in her voice.  I can only imagine the amount of yammering she had put on her nurse to use the phone.  Truthfully the call chilled me... .she said she wanted her cellphone (which is currently misplaced in her room) and a "folder with her papers".  And told me - "you are not to look at these papers!" but i guess she also wants me to bring these papers and cell phone to her.  That is not going to happen.  As i remember the last few days before her attempt when she was awake i saw her writing, furiously at times, on some printer paper.  I am sure these papers are the outline of her distortion campaign.  She has yet to retain counsel or even meet with a lawyer.  It would seem that she is still being driven by rage and the urge to get me back - vice the reality that she is in right now.  I will not be delivering anything to the hospital. I plan to do a walkthrough video of the house - its in shambles - and then clean the hell out of it, find and secure any meds that the emt's missed (there is a bottle of oxycotin somewhere in her room) and try to make the house livable again.

On monday i have to sign the emergency petition for sole custody, my goal is also to try to establish a restraining order.  I will get information from L which will let me know what all these orders will entail - but from what i know it will be an emergency temporary sole custody order.

THe phone call, to be honest did rattle me.  Just hearing her- and her demands.  I need to get a firmer idea as to where she will be and for how long in order to square away court asap.  I dont want her back in the house, but i have no idea what the long term plan of the drs are.

TOmorrow i will go see mom, then head back, collect the beans, and home. 

I must keep my momentum - thank you gomez, lnl, goateeki, and all for your support.

S

[livednlearned]

Things came in threes for me too when I left. I do think it rains, pours, all of that. Remember to take care of yourself throughout all of this -- that's not a platitude. It's critically important. Every day, do something to slow down and take care of yourself like you're a beloved friend.

A relief to hear your mom did ok in surgery and is recovering. And also that you have support among relatives and friends. Many of us have small nets when we leave because of the narrowing effect that goes with having a disordered spouse. Glad to hear you have a circle of support. 

[Stylianos]

D+7

I am back home - mom is still in hospital but recovering.

Update on dBPD spouse.

THere was a harrowing process to get spouse situated in a facility.

THe hospital where she was brought was not affiliated with our insurance and didnt have a dedicated facility to treat her.

Spouse did not choose to voluntarily remain for treatment.  THis brought about the legal system to hold her temporaryily against her will for evaluation.    THis also brought about issues for me as the facility found by our insurance was over one county from where we live.  The rules for this county require a petitioner for a TDO (temporary detention order) to appear at a hearing in front of a special justice to hear the evidence/be questioned and then the justice makes the order (or not).  This is different than the practice in our county where if a credentialed proffessional made the request for TDO the judge pretty much stamps out the order.   Our original county office of mental health had called me and pressured me to be the petitioner for our neighboring county in order to ensure the order goes through.  Now of course i do not want her out if she is still in danger, however i was not comfortable being listed as the petitioner in this legal hearing for a process that is going to detain her against her will.  I have a conflict of interest which i feel could be exploited by spouses council months from now, additionally i have not observed spouse and am not privy to any of her medical records and actions for the last 72 hours - as well as the fact that i am not a psyciatric proffessional.  I let them know i would not be the petitioner and that the hospital or the county must do their duty.  Ultimately they relented and my home county will be the petitioner for the TDO hearing.  I will however be there as a witness to provide information on her condition/past actions.

Spouse has had access to a phone at both locations and has called  - a lot.  the calls have swung the hole spectrum from love/bomb, conciliatory, blaming and anger - most within the same phone call.  The TDO should buy her at least 5 days in the facility.

This AM i saw my L.  L updated the emergency order of sole custody and to try to keep her out of the house.  (if the exlusive housing order is approved then i would have to find alternate housing for spouse... .this will be difficult as she has few resources locally and not very much support in her hometown.  SHe has left a pretty wide wake of alienation in her FOO as well as some really old friends she had.  I may have to pony up for an apartment and living expenses here.)

On another front in this saga - my work had planned to send me and my family overseas for a 2 year assignment in a cushy spot.  SHe of course will not be coming  - but now the question is will the court allow me to depart with the children while the matter is still in the courts.  The pluses to me are (career development) free housing/utilities overseas in a really nice spot, free top of the line private school for S5 who has special needs (and the school there is absolutely wonderful) it costs almost 20k a year which would be paid by employer.  D7 also would be in a great private school paid by employer.  Add in the fact that they could begin to recover from this latest episode but mostly from living in this house with a disordered mom.  Undoubtedly there has been damage - the two years could be a great time of recovery.

Ideally it would be good to make the trip - however - i will be prepared to decline the assignment (harms career) and duke it out here where we live.

I am hoping the court process moves as swift as possible and that they can see the Forrest for the trees.

ALso a really odd feeling that i hadnt had... .throughout the last 6 months (when she really started spiraling) even though we had been living separately with exception of battling, this is the first time i have felt alone.  And the pressure that comes with it.  I know i have managing stuff and doing the work already - but it feels different.  Kinda like one weight lifted  but another realization that this is a one person show moving forward.

Thanks to all,

regards,

S

[Stylianos]

D+8

Update

dBPDw - hearing was held this morning.  i was there as a witness in case the special justice needed to hear information on the DTO.  Counsel assigned to BPD spouse had convinced her to voluntarily admit to hospital (5days minimum).  THey will treat her, and she will have to deal with the absence of her pain medication for the first time in a long time.  When i went to the hearing - i also brought a bag of clothes, toiletries, shoes, etc.  this was a show of kindness that i thought i had to do.  Need to remain vigilant though as this kindness will be taken for weakness.  She has access to the phone and calls a lot.  i have limited myself to answering 2 a day.  When speaking i have made it all about how this is an opportunity for her to get better for her kids and to use the services to gain the most benefit for herself.  She has been lucid and even kind in the times we spoke  - however even though she was teary when we spoke of the kids - she was just as teary when she spoke of her dog (he was/is her object constancy security blankett).  SHe is getting comfortable there and spoke of all the friends she has made and of all the "cool" activities that they have (music therapy, art, crafts, etc like summer camp).  It is good that she is getting comfortable because of the law stuff that is to follow.

Law stuff - ex parte - temporary emergency motions were made to request sole custody of the kids and exclusive use of the residence - i should have them in hand by the morning.  These will hit like an atom bomb.  I do not relish the hurt thats coming her way - however i hope it moves her to choose to stay for a longer period of time - or her reaction may push the staff to keep her for a longer period of time.  She needs to get clean and learn some life skills fast.  From speaking with my L  - most likely i will have to pay for an apartment for her when she is eventually let out.  I am ok with it but i honestly dont think she will accept it as she has never lived on her own ever.  Best case scenario may be a sort of halfway house that can oversee her transition to the real world - and insurance may even pay a portion.  In any case these are new realities that she will be facing.  Needless to say visitation - if and when she requests it must be supervised, and hopefully after she completes a parenting class.  Does anyone have any experience with a like scenario?

    I have presented my first batch of paperwork to the L which i had already sorted and presented to paint the picture.  Finances, legal docs (Birth/marriage certs, deeds); School information on special needs ed S5 which document my handling of his education, proof of her infidelity, audio files to cover significant events.

     L will prepare for the first hearing, question i have is to what extent are the proceedings hindered due to a spouse not being competent to prepare a response?  I am guessing the court may assign a GAL.   So for now lots of things in motion - its easier to handle the blowback from the ex parte orders when all i have to do is put my phone on mute. 

Kids - I am keeping their schedule and adding more structure as well as just together time (playing on the lawn tonight before bed).  Meals/tubs/and basics like getting dressed, brushing teeth, have been easier! I filled in the camp director (who is great) and she is watching them closely - and so far nothing off the charts.  Plan to have therapy sessions for them next week.  They have only asked about BPD mom 2 0r three times sinch she had been gone.  No crying, no fits or tantrums, no nightmares.  i think so far they are doing really well.

Me -: getting it done, a bit harrowing but getting done.  I have been fortunate to gain lots of support from neighbors, work, family (hers and mine) church.  No turning back - obstacles for sure on the horizon but i have a head of steam and am not deviating course.

THanks to all,

Rgds,

S

[ForeverDad]

A Guardian ad Litem (GAL) is typically a lawyer, though the training and experience could be anything from newbie to great.  Understand one thing about lawyers: they are taught that the best outcome of most cases is making deals, unfortunately for us such deals are less-than-optimal deals.  While some give and take is bound to happen, make sure you aren't guilted or obligated to give or give in too much.  (FOG = Fear, Obligation, Guilt.)  If it's not in the children's interests, then it is a valid basis for you to consider such requests very cautiously.  This is a time to listen to your gut reactions.

Right now you are in a strong position, something very, very rare around here in peer support.  You have documentation of past issues and ongoing issues.  The professionals will be quick to say they've 'stabilized' your spouse. However, that is for the moment.  Relapses are sure to happen.  Try to get an order that, if greater access is granted to her, then you get some ability to limit that access.  For example, court may set a requirement for her to get classes, counseling or therapy, perhaps even meds.  (Meds don't fix mental illness such as you're dealing with but they can moderate the extremes.)  When she meets the requirements then court will want to end the restrictions.  Then if (when) she relapses you have to start all over again from a standing start, not good for you, not good for the kids.  So whatever orders you end up with, one of your goals has to be that you have (1) either custody or DM/TM* and (2) ongoing authority to step in and limit her parental contact when she has relapses or behaves poorly risking or affecting the children... .in your case, self-harms.

Courts give much more focus to the parental behaviors (around or with the children) than to adult behaviors (with you or other adults).  For example, her affairs might mean little toward her parenting (but have some weight in the divorce) but suicidal behaviors (instability, self-harm, etc) would have a much greater impact on how the court views her parenting and risks to the children.

* These are essentially almost like sole custody but allow the other parent to still say it is joint custody, language the courts like to maintain:

DM - Decision Making -- You have final decision, proceed and notify her of your decision.

TM - Tie Breaker -- You seek agreement from spouse on major decisions first but you have final decision, proceed and notify her of your decision.

About her illnesses and large assortment of meds.  I believe it will turn out that the majority of her complaints of pain and whatnot will come back to roost circling around her mental state.  My ex was also convinced she had all sorts of syndromes, that her pains meant she had fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue or other chronic ailments.  She even got one doctor to diagnosis fibromyalgia around 1998-99.  She hasn't even mentioned it afterward, not in over 15 years.  So I suspect your stbEx is in a relentless cycle of pains and pain meds that are circling in actuality around her mental issues.  Meds alone cannot and will not fix her or her mental issues.  They may help, but the solution, IF she ever chooses it, would have to focus on Therapy, long term and applied to every aspect of her life.  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) has the most promise for recovery, but only if the patient really works at it, definitely for years and once 'recovered' probably in maintenance mode for the rest of the patient's life.

[Stylianos]

Hospital let her out today... .

  I cant believe they did- they just put her in a cab (which they paid for), with no money, no id, no phone?

She went to a hotel in  a town nearby.  i was scrambling today.  I thought for sure i had a few more days and didnt have the ex parte orders in hand.  I split out of work - ran to L's office who just picked up cert copies from court - i dropped a copy at camp - and planned my move.

L and I are staying the course, but i truly dont think she knows what her situation is - she has not retained counsel and we have a court date in 2 weeks.  Ex parte was for sole custody and exclusive use of the home.  i hope to keep that situation at the pedente lite hearing and L believes i have at least an 80% chance of being allowed to travel overseas for my work with the kids.  BPDspouse, i am sure will be against this and will aggressively lawyer up. 

The high road - i met her at the hotel and gave her car, id, purse, cellphone.  WHen i asked her what her longterm plan was because the hotel would not last long - she assumed she would move back in the home - almost like treating her overdose etc like a bad night drinking in college.  I was stunned and let her know that was not going to happen - and to reach out to friends, fam, or possibly a halfway house.  She was stunned but i didnt equivocate.  I understand how close to the fire i was standing - and the caution that i need.  i forgot my voice recorder - wont make that mistake again.  Also the high road allowed me to get her room number for the process server to officially deliver the ex parte order - so it was not all altruism -

I may allow a meeting with the children after church on sunday.  The hard discussion with the kids hasnt happened yet. If there is a chance that while in her current kumbaya love bomb mood we can have a joint talk with the kids about divorce, the process (in an age appropriate way), and that change is coming.  I have seen the mood shift in her before and it can happen on a dime.  My position of relative strength is altogether new to me so i need to maintain it.

Up to know my stbx dBPDw has been very low functioning.  This along with a great deal of research (here, Bill Eddy SPLITTING, and several other online resources) into her condition, and the process, and "the List" has helped me to keep my advantage. In a way i somehow earned her present state of helplessness - as over the past 7 years i kept upping my effort and output as she continued to decline and rely totally on me for the very basics.  Circumstances definitely were not planned this way - and the time i spent filling the vacuum was miserable - but here is the silver lining - she still has no real concept of the law or her current standing in our case. 

As for me - i have struggled with my conscience... .i see my progress and am grateful, but what bothered me was seeing the tools of the process (ex parte orders, total control of the kids, house etc) in action.  Ignorantly, i stated in my first post about my schadenfreude and anger i had towards her.   The many posts i have read here of these court tools being wielded recklessly and with no regard for 'justice', and how high functioning BPD's relish the combat and thrive on the wreckage of people and relationships.  I wish i could say "i got that b!tch, and she is getting hers!" but i cant, because the wreckage of people and relationships still happens.  I am nowhere near done with this - I know i have a strong start - and i will remain assertively active as i push for these kids to have a shot.  I am still collecting witnesses, ( the school admin and another neighbor - has already let me know they will testify on my behalf as to what they have witnessed regarding her behaviors).  My conscience is clear even if my heart hurts - and i will push as hard as i possibly can with all that i can - but i wont ratf#ck her stuff, i wont cut off her phone just to be a d1ck, i wont hurt to hurt, i wont diminish her or talk badly about her to our kids.  They know what they know already and will realize more and more as they grow in the best environment i can provide, kids love unconditionally - its a parents job to somehow come close to earning that unconditional love. 

Thanks to all who have posted here - you and your stories have great power that gifts wisdom and hope

best regards,

S

[Stylianos]

D+... .

BPD spouse is still in the hotel paying with her own funds.  She has been served ex parte orders of sole custody and exclusive use of home.  Currently calls a lot.  Declaring her undying love for me and the kids, and how much she has learned from her stay in the hospital as well as how she has grown.  Says she trusts me to make the right decisions and does not want conflict.

I let her know that staying in a hotel (a nicer one) is not a solid longterm plan for her.  She has assumed that this will blow over and that she will be back in the home.  I did not encourage that thinking.  She has stated to me that she does not wish to fight me, she has called council but not retained anyone.  I have compassion for her however i ve been a participant in the "frog and scorpion" routine and know that her "laying down" is not all it appears to be. 

Here is a question - to what extent is her trying to not participate in the process harmful to my position?  I assume the judge may give her on extension/continuance (while keeping current orders in place)... .but how long can she reasonably drag her feet?

Kids are doing ok and i thank god for it.

Mom is still in hospital and needs more surgery... .

Stress

Thanks

S (foot still on pedal)

[livednlearned]

Here is a question - to what extent is her trying to not participate in the process harmful to my position?  I assume the judge may give her on extension/continuance (while keeping current orders in place)... .but how long can she reasonably drag her feet?

Make sure you give your L explicit instructions to not agree to any delays or continuances. Be firm about this. Sometimes lawyers will broker these continuances without your consent because this is a profession in which collegial favors go a long way. It surprised me how much deal-making opposing lawyers will do.

Sometimes, one L will have trial scheduled and have to reschedule your court date, and there is not much that can be done. Other times, it's up to your L to say that the date is firm, no changes. Your L needs to know that your ex's tactic is likely to be delay, delay, delay and you don't need your L joining that particular strategy.

Continuances are handled different depending on your county and maybe even whether your judges are appointed or elected. Judges in my state are elected and have to perform efficiently to avoid backlog -- backlog being a sure way to lose the next election.

Remember that your L works for you, and like any employee, you have to be clear about your expectations so he/she can get the job done to your satisfaction.

[ForeverDad]

Hopefully the judge and certainly the doctors know that a relatively brief stay in a hospital, observation unit or treatment center in no way fixes the underlying issues.  She has deep issues that have been there for a long, long time.  Recovery does not come in a flash of insight, it is a long, tough, arduous process of therapy, perhaps meds to help the therapy.  At this point you don't have any realistic assurance that she will actually choose real therapy and stick with it.

However, they will be anxious to say she's stable and want to step back.  You might feel some pressure because they want the matter 'resolved'.  That fact that the divorce has been started does show that her returning to the home is not an option, the marriage will be undone at some point, now is the best time to get the separation part done.  If you agree to let her back - which you won't - it would just delay the inevitable and make the next time that much harder.

[getting_better]

Wow.  Just read all of your posts in this thread, Stylianos.  So unbelievably similar to my own story.  I've been separated from my dBPDw for over year and filed for divorce on May 4th after close to 24 years of marriage.  Your description of your spouse's meds list is like a replica of my own stbxw.  Just incredible.  I feel all of your pain, and you have my respect for the choices you are making to protect yourself and your kids.  The serenity prayer reads, "God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."  You have found the courage to change, and the path to healing and peace will be open to you.  When I sent my dBPDw to an inpatient out of state rehab center last year her case worker called me up and suggested I look into Al-Anon - the program for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics.  I found a local Al-Anon meeting in March of last year, and I've been working on my own recovery for over a year now.  That program has been such a godsend for me.  I highly recommend it, my friend. You will find incredible support there.  You can just do a Google search for local Al-Anon meetings in your area.  Remember the three C's as you continue your journey: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. 

I admire your strength.  I know well the feelings of love, pity, fear, anger, compassion, exhaustion, etc. Keep the faith, and know you are not alone on this journey.

[Stylianos]

Thanks to all,

update - dBPDw went back to the hospital tonight (ER first then a bed in a hospital).  She went voluntarily. She had been staying at a nearby hotel - She had thought that she would be at the hotel for "self care and journaling" and that she would be home shortly... .although claiming great change and growth and frankly convincing apologies and regret - she never sounded quite 'right'.  i had planned on letting her see the kids at a neutral spot - but everytime we spoke of them she broke down crying.  Im not about to subject D7 and B5 to chaos and disorder - so i did not agree to it.  Today i let her know she cant come back without a 'plan' and demonstrated history of good decision making.  It kind of broke her - in addition to her reading the court docs. 

It was so hard for me.  And i felt so cruel - but mad at the same time because i know she was posturing because when i went to the hotel room it was a mess - she hadnt eaten and was doing nothing to help herself.

LNL - i will work with my L and let him know, however he already seems so inclined.

ForeverDAD - you are so right... .today was so hard... .  i have learned more than i ever cared to about BPD/NPD etc... .  it is not Bipolar1 which she also suffers from which can be moderated.  It takes years of selfawareness and work to have a chance to improve.  She is deathly afraid of me moving away which is a real possibility - not out of malice but out of necessity of my kids, job, own wellbeing.  You are so correct - if i moved her back in or allowed her to move back in - then it would be tantamount to rewarding her extreme behavior in the first place.  It would not only hurt me but her, as she will know to do this again.  My pain comes with knowing that i was essentially her last line... .she has destroyed or alienated her family and friends over the years.  It truly is her worst fears (and the driver of her misery) come to fruition.  I know i didnt cause it - but being a witness and a catalyst is terrible. 

Gettingbetter - THank you for your comment - and know that i am so sorry for your loss.  I have no insight or words that could come close to face those challenges - and that you are still driving on and fighting for your children and for you is incredibly motivating and worthy.  I found my way into Celebrate Recovery 3 years ago- which is a christian based 12 step program.  It has been invaluable to me.  True and honest relationships i have built allowed me to be more honest than i have ever been in my life.  My codependency and other character flaws, my struggle with my marriage, i was able to air out to trustworthy folks in a safe place.  IF i didnt have this 'training' to be real and honest, as well as the knowledge that my power only gets me so far, i think i would be in a spot much worse than this.

I appreciate your help - and just knowing folks are out there everyday making healthy smart decisions.

rgds,

S

[Stylianos]

Early success - Today, prior to the Pendente Lite hearing stbx agreed to give me sole legal and physical custody.  Also in the order it allowed me to take them out of the country for my overseas assignment, and ordered the sale of the house and the proceeds to be split 50/50.  Visitation will be supervised by me or someone who i approve of.  While overseas i agreed to give them daily access to skype/phone calls, and to take them back to the US twice a year.  All visitation/contact is based on her continued demonstrated treatment and track record of stable behavior.

We will depart in about45 days.

although we opened the case on the grounds of adultery - instead of hashing that out in court - we'll wait the time proscribed 1 year from separation and finalize the divorce.

I thank God.  I certainly didnt make this happen on my own, and it would seem stbx did not miss a chance to make a mistake.  Again i dont relish in her mistakes but i took as much advantage as i could.

After stbx went back to the hospital lawyer scheduled a motion for a mental health evaluation from an expert - forensic psychologist - which the court ordered.  Stbx was released from hospital and entered a halfway house in the county.  At her evaluation she failed miserably.  In the diagnostic exam which was scheduled for 2 hours it ended up lasting closer to 10 hours (split over 2 days). She argued every question and raged.  The psyche noted everything.

Psyche interviewed me and our old nanny/mothers helper, and our next door neighbor (who is like our surrogate grandma). 

I provided a significant file to the psyche to include videos, and all of her medical records.  THe video of her berating the children and threatening to leave the home forever if they continued to misbehave was devastating.

The forensic psychologist - (paid for by me - ultimately north of 6k) was the usual one used by the court. She was almost shocked by the cumulative amount of her dis-regulation and pathology.  Telling me that this was the worst case she has ever evaluated. 

Psych notified stbx's attorney that if stbx does not settle - then the testimony that the expert provides in court will be so damaging that the court will never allow her to see her children again.  this was the primary driver of her settling.  This entire process, sadly, is very  close to military combat/strategy.  Study this.  It is all freely available online - and if you want to know what your planning against... .it is all here on this site.  So many different scenarios.  Plan for it and be ready. Use the OODA Loop(Observe, Orient, Decide, Act) its on wikipedia. it works. My biggest problem was how long it took to actually realize what my situation truely was.  If i would have kept myself in that mindset - i would never have had a chance.

I am a bit worn out - although very happy to pass this hurdle.  Again this reinforcement to the fact that her illness has been so detrimental for so long makes me fearful for the long term mental health and stability of our children.  I will continue to provide the best home for them that i can and make use of the counselors and docs to monitor their growth.  I feel so bad for letting it go on for so long, but cant dwell, i have to do the next right thing.

thanks to all for timely good advice which you have generously given. 

regards

S

[david]

Long term she has a right to see the kids. Presently she is incapable of parenting. Make a plan accordingly. Strong boundaries and a strong court order will be the best for all involved. If she improves you can always change the court order without going to court.

[livednlearned]

Telling me that this was the worst case she has ever evaluated. 

That must feel very difficult and very meaningful at the same time, Stylianos. I hope you are doing ok -- it can feel so surreal when our lives are suddenly thrust into the light and our most intimate experiences become publicly scrutinized, discussed, and evaluated by others.

I hope you and the kids can heal from this.



LnL