Devalued and Split BLACK...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm posting here, because I'm committed to reconciling my marriage\improving my r/s.  My wife filed for divorce 1 month ago, after a rage, where she bit me.  She is undiagnosed, but has every symptom.  If you've read "Stop Walking On Eggshells", all I need to do is switch her name out for MOST of the scenarios!  In fact, one of the 1st scenarios (Jon's Story) is exactly like us!  In January, I was the best husband and greatest father, her soulmate, etc.  She told everyone, she was blessed and grateful for me, then a few days later, her trigger hit (she saw a bikini picture on the computer) and she went into a rage.  She moved out and filed for divorce, with no separation.  She devalued me with nasty words and even said she couldn't stand, that I ate Cocoa Pebbles once!  Utterly ridiculous!  She went on to say she hated me, never loved me, wished I was dead, was the worst relationship she ever had, etc. (I was the most serious r/s she had, as we were married and have a baby together).  She is out for blood now and her family is in denial and believes every word she says and her false claims about me!  She's accused me falsely of cheating, being a porn addict, etc.  She creates these things in her head and then believes them and cries to her family... . so, I can understand why they may not like me, but they are aware of her actions, like this in the past, but are enablers and refuse to get her help and I honestly don't think any of them know about BPD.  But, she is a classic case.  She even filed a false restraining order against me, I think because she realized I was onto what's wrong with her and it was easier to make ME look like the bad guy to everyone, cause God Forbid she accept responsibility for the relationship's failure... . I can't talk to any of her family or her... . Is there anything I can do?  How can I go about getting her help?  I worry about my daughter and as weird as it sounds, I'd like to reconcile.  Thx.

[kfifd196]

I'm posting here, because I'm committed to reconciling my marriage\improving my r/s.  My wife filed for divorce 1 month ago, after a rage, where she bit me.  She is undiagnosed, but has every symptom.  If you've read "Stop Walking On Eggshells", all I need to do is switch her name out for MOST of the scenarios!  In fact, one of the 1st scenarios (Jon's Story) is exactly like us!  In January, I was the best husband and greatest father, her soulmate, etc.  She told everyone, she was blessed and grateful for me, then a few days later, her trigger hit (she saw a bikini picture on the computer) and she went into a rage.  She moved out and filed for divorce, with no separation.  She devalued me with nasty words and even said she couldn't stand, that I ate Cocoa Pebbles once!  Utterly ridiculous!  She went on to say she hated me, never loved me, wished I was dead, was the worst relationship she ever had, etc. (I was the most serious r/s she had, as we were married and have a baby together).  She is out for blood now and her family is in denial and believes every word she says and her false claims about me!  She's accused me falsely of cheating, being a porn addict, etc.  She creates these things in her head and then believes them and cries to her family... . so, I can understand why they may not like me, but they are aware of her actions, like this in the past, but are enablers and refuse to get her help and I honestly don't think any of them know about BPD.  But, she is a classic case.  She even filed a false restraining order against me, I think because she realized I was onto what's wrong with her and it was easier to make ME look like the bad guy to everyone, cause God Forbid she accept responsibility for the relationship's failure... . I can't talk to any of her family or her... . Is there anything I can do?  How can I go about getting her help?  I worry about my daughter and as weird as it sounds, I'd like to reconcile.  Thx.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[itgirl]

kfifd196 - I'm sorry there have been no improvement yet on your situation. I have been painted black before and could reconcile each time.  There is hope if that is what you would like. But first I would stop trying to tell her she has BPD.  It seems like the more we try and convince them that they have a mental illness the more you push them away.

She has found porn on your computer before and it seems like it hurt her when she found it again. Albeit only a girl in a bikini. It was a trigger.  Most woman would be very upset. Not just a pwBPD.

Be there for your baby but I would give her some space. I know it's the opposite of what you want to do but in my experience if a girl wants space you should give her all the space in the world. Make her wonder where and what you are doing.

Sending you a hug.

[kfifd196]

Thank you!  I'm wondering if she might turn me white again or want to reconcile before, or even after the divorce is finalized... .   She was an amazing wife and mother and I miss her dearly, she just doesn't realize SHE's the root of the problems... . I'm not making an excuse for the porn, I'm referring to her rage reactions.  I don't have anymore porn or pictures, but it scares me if something innocent pops on tv or the computer, like a friend commenting on Facebook.  She needs help and I would love to have her back.  The irony is she's afraid of abandonment, but I'm the 1st guy willing to stay with her, knowing what's happened.  I haven't told her I think she has BPD.  I originally thought it was postpartum and asked her dad to keep an eye on her for that.  He told her and she flipped... .

[123Phoebe]

Hi kfifd196,

I hope in time things work out for you, your wife and little daughter, it is going to take time though.  None of this is an over night fix and most of it rests on our shoulders <--- Not responsibility for them, by differentiating what it is that we are responsible for, our stuff - their stuff.  Your porn pics are not the problem!  They sure are an easy thing to point out though and take responsibility for = her low self esteem and sounds like anger, control issues.

I don't have anymore porn or pictures, but it scares me if something innocent pops on tv or the computer, like a friend commenting on Facebook.

What are you afraid of?  Is there a way to put to rest this porn issue once and for all?

[an0ught]

Hi kfifd196,

It is ok that you got rid of the porn. You also adopted however her extreme judgmental and invalid thinking and that is now hurting you. 

Like 123Phoebe indicated - your fear is not really normal. In some sense this is black and white thinking on your side. When we are distressed our mind resorts to that sort of thinking. This is normal. But then you seem a bit stuck... .

Maybe it helps to work through the Ten Forms of Twisted Thinking which are common for depressed people: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56199.0 to put the porn stuff behind you?

Another option to get unstuck may be to reach out to a professional T. You are going yourself at the moment through a big crisis and face to fact support could be useful to get back on a better footing.