Told him he's being served

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all, I need to get this off my chest, I am so angry and hurt right now.  I told my uBPD H that he is being served divorce papers this week.  We have been separated for 2 months (second time being separated in a year).  Obviously, he was mad and didn't take it well.  He hasn't really moved his stuff out, and his tablet is still here.  Back when we were still together and trying to make things work, I would occasionally read his messages on his tablet... .I do NOT condone that usually, and I know it's not ok to violate someone's privacy.  I'd never done it in all our time together before this.  But while things were so up in the air for us, I felt like if I was going to take the leap of trying to work things out, I needed to know if something big was going on, like if he was lying to me, or talking to someone (he cheated on me years ago). 

So tonight I read his messages because I needed to know how he is reacting to the news of being served.  He has been physically abusive for almost our entire relationship (11 years) and I just need to have an idea of what's going on and how he's handling things.  I know this will not be ok with certain people, and I do not plan to continue to read his messages, so I'm sorry if that rubs anyone the wrong way.

So anyway, I read a convo between him and his sister.  She and I have never been tight (a lot of that had to do with the fact that HE doesn't really hang out with his family so I never had much opportunity and she doesn't live super close), but we always got along, I always viewed her as someone that had her stuff together and was a good person.  So he told her that I filed and that I filed a motion to get exclusive rights to the house during the proceedings.  She replied that that is insane, there is no need for all of that, why does she get to do that?

I wasn't sure if she knew, but in a sentence above she did mention the abuse, so clearly she at least knows something about it.  Are you kidding me?  Why am I allowed to do that?  Um maybe because the most dangerous time for an abused spouse is when you leave the relationship, and I should be able to feel safe in my own home with my daughter and not worry that he could come over at any moment and beat me up or worse.

For the last two months he has been Mr. Nice Guy, trying to "show me" he's changed (I know he has not, I've finally learned that) and we've gotten together a few times with our daughter (D4) to do things as a family.  We went to the drive-in, he came over for dinner and to watch TV and this past Friday he and I took our D4 and our niece, 9 (his sister's kids) and nephew 12 to the fair.  So she asked him, so why the big family outing.  He said I guess it was all for show and she said it's very manipulative.

First of all, those three things were all his ideas, we took our N and N so that our D4 wouldn't be too scared to ride the rides (well that and because he never ever takes them anywhere so I thought it would be fun and they all had a great time).  I went along with it because D4 should not be punished for our decisions.  She deserves to be able to still spend time with both her parents now and again.  I know the divorce will likely be very ugly, so I figured why not go on at least some outings while he is still being nice.  So now suddenly I am manipulative because I went along with the plans he came up with, to let our daughter hang out with the both of us.  I guess my SIL has forgotten about all of her kids birthday parties I've gone to WITHOUT my H, and her kid's soccer games and the presents I have bought for them because my H couldn't give a S about doing anything of that.

Furthermore, if I hadn't agreed to going out on these family outings, he would have pressured me to know why, wanting to know if my answer was that we were done, and I wasn't ready to have that discussion with him yet.  So a week after we separated we were doing family pictures with his parents and his sisters family.  He messaged me asking if his mom should cancel the pictures.  I said I didn't know, I wouldn't feel very comfortable being in them right now.  He asked if we should cancel altogether and I said it's up to you guys if you want to do them without me.  He told me that nobody knew we were separated outside of his parents if I still wanted to be in them.  I asked if he wanted me in them and if they would be pics he would ever want to even look at.  He said he wanted me in them.

Long story short, we took the pics.  Now today he tells me he is going to reimburse his family for the pictures so they can get them redone without me.  I got pissed, because A. we're about to pay for a divorce, we don't have money to throw around, B. I've been in that family for 11 years and we have two daughters together (one living) and I was pissed that he would insinuate that I am suddenly the she-devil who his family cannot even stand to have in their family picture.

So in his messages, he told his sister that I flipped out when he said he was going to reimburse them, and she said why did she even insist on being in them anyway and he said I guess for show.  She also asked him how long HE'S going to let me live in the house (the house is in my name only, and I paid it off with my inheritance so my lawyer assures me that the house is mine) not work more (I work 25 hrs a week, will go up to 30 soon and work from home so I could stay home with our daughter and not put her in daycare) and play family.  I am so hurt and pissed off right now.  I knew me and his sister weren't besties, but I am so mad that she thinks these things, is defending her abusive brother and acting like I am satan because I don't want to be married to her brother anymore.  As if I just up and fell out of love with him one day... .sure, couldn't have had anything to do with his abuse (physical and emotional) his lack of support, lack of helping me with anything, spending way too much money and just being a miserable human being.

I also read a message between him and his best friends wife.  She and I also are not super close, but we chat on facebook and we'd often go on double dates and she and I always got along well.  She has not said one word to me since he and I separated, and she told him how sorry she is that he is going through this, and she always thought of marriage as something you don't give up on.

I am so angry I don't even know what to do.  I KNOW I shouldn't care what other people think, but he has put me through hell these past 11 years and he is coming off as this poor poor hurt boy whose wife is so mean for leaving him.  I also know I cannot read his messages and make myself angry like this, but I needed to vent.  I think I am finally feeling all of this.  I cried the night he moved out, but since then I really have not cried or even been all that sad.  I feel so free and happy, but telling him tonight and how petty he is being, and now reading what these people who I thought were my friends and family think about me, it's all just bubbling up.  Thank you all for listening.   

[WantToBeFree]

Hi all, I need to get this off my chest, I am so angry and hurt right now.  I told my uBPD H that he is being served divorce papers this week.  We have been separated for 2 months (second time being separated in a year).  Obviously, he was mad and didn't take it well.  He hasn't really moved his stuff out, and his tablet is still here.  Back when we were still together and trying to make things work, I would occasionally read his messages on his tablet... .I do NOT condone that usually, and I know it's not ok to violate someone's privacy.  I'd never done it in all our time together before this.  But while things were so up in the air for us, I felt like if I was going to take the leap of trying to work things out, I needed to know if something big was going on, like if he was lying to me, or talking to someone (he cheated on me years ago). 

So tonight I read his messages because I needed to know how he is reacting to the news of being served.  He has been physically abusive for almost our entire relationship (11 years) and I just need to have an idea of what's going on and how he's handling things.  I know this will not be ok with certain people, and I do not plan to continue to read his messages, so I'm sorry if that rubs anyone the wrong way.

So anyway, I read a convo between him and his sister.  She and I have never been tight (a lot of that had to do with the fact that HE doesn't really hang out with his family so I never had much opportunity and she doesn't live super close), but we always got along, I always viewed her as someone that had her stuff together and was a good person.  So he told her that I filed and that I filed a motion to get exclusive rights to the house during the proceedings.  She replied that that is insane, there is no need for all of that, why does she get to do that?

I wasn't sure if she knew, but in a sentence above she did mention the abuse, so clearly she at least knows something about it.  Are you kidding me?  Why am I allowed to do that?  Um maybe because the most dangerous time for an abused spouse is when you leave the relationship, and I should be able to feel safe in my own home with my daughter and not worry that he could come over at any moment and beat me up or worse.

For the last two months he has been Mr. Nice Guy, trying to "show me" he's changed (I know he has not, I've finally learned that) and we've gotten together a few times with our daughter (D4) to do things as a family.  We went to the drive-in, he came over for dinner and to watch TV and this past Friday he and I took our D4 and our niece, 9 (his sister's kids) and nephew 12 to the fair.  So she asked him, so why the big family outing.  He said I guess it was all for show and she said it's very manipulative.

First of all, those three things were all his ideas, we took our N and N so that our D4 wouldn't be too scared to ride the rides (well that and because he never ever takes them anywhere so I thought it would be fun and they all had a great time).  I went along with it because D4 should not be punished for our decisions.  She deserves to be able to still spend time with both her parents now and again.  I know the divorce will likely be very ugly, so I figured why not go on at least some outings while he is still being nice.  So now suddenly I am manipulative because I went along with the plans he came up with, to let our daughter hang out with the both of us.  I guess my SIL has forgotten about all of her kids birthday parties I've gone to WITHOUT my H, and her kid's soccer games and the presents I have bought for them because my H couldn't give a S about doing anything of that.

Furthermore, if I hadn't agreed to going out on these family outings, he would have pressured me to know why, wanting to know if my answer was that we were done, and I wasn't ready to have that discussion with him yet.  So a week after we separated we were doing family pictures with his parents and his sisters family.  He messaged me asking if his mom should cancel the pictures.  I said I didn't know, I wouldn't feel very comfortable being in them right now.  He asked if we should cancel altogether and I said it's up to you guys if you want to do them without me.  He told me that nobody knew we were separated outside of his parents if I still wanted to be in them.  I asked if he wanted me in them and if they would be pics he would ever want to even look at.  He said he wanted me in them.

Long story short, we took the pics.  Now today he tells me he is going to reimburse his family for the pictures so they can get them redone without me.  I got pissed, because A. we're about to pay for a divorce, we don't have money to throw around, B. I've been in that family for 11 years and we have two daughters together (one living) and I was pissed that he would insinuate that I am suddenly the she-devil who his family cannot even stand to have in their family picture.

So in his messages, he told his sister that I flipped out when he said he was going to reimburse them, and she said why did she even insist on being in them anyway and he said I guess for show.  She also asked him how long HE'S going to let me live in the house (the house is in my name only, and I paid it off with my inheritance so my lawyer assures me that the house is mine) not work more (I work 25 hrs a week, will go up to 30 soon and work from home so I could stay home with our daughter and not put her in daycare) and play family.  I am so hurt and pissed off right now.  I knew me and his sister weren't besties, but I am so mad that she thinks these things, is defending her abusive brother and acting like I am satan because I don't want to be married to her brother anymore.  As if I just up and fell out of love with him one day... .sure, couldn't have had anything to do with his abuse (physical and emotional) his lack of support, lack of helping me with anything, spending way too much money and just being a miserable human being.

I also read a message between him and his best friends wife.  She and I also are not super close, but we chat on facebook and we'd often go on double dates and she and I always got along well.  She has not said one word to me since he and I separated, and she told him how sorry she is that he is going through this, and she always thought of marriage as something you don't give up on.

I am so angry I don't even know what to do.  I KNOW I shouldn't care what other people think, but he has put me through hell these past 11 years and he is coming off as this poor poor hurt boy whose wife is so mean for leaving him.  I also know I cannot read his messages and make myself angry like this, but I needed to vent.  I think I am finally feeling all of this.  I cried the night he moved out, but since then I really have not cried or even been all that sad.  I feel so free and happy, but telling him tonight and how petty he is being, and now reading what these people who I thought were my friends and family think about me, it's all just bubbling up.  Thank you all for listening.   

[Mustbeabetterway]

Hi WantToBeFree,

Of course you are hurt and angry.  Sounds like you have been through a very rough time.  Nobody deserves to be "beat up" or physically abused by their spouse.  I'm so sorry you are going through this.  You have found a safe place to vent. 

Safety is indeed a priority.  It doesn't really matter what other people think about you being in the house as long as you are safe there.  You cannot control what people say even though it is infuriating.  As you know, looking at his messages doesn't seem to help, and is in fact, hurtful.  You cannot unread that stuff once it's done.  Continue to make safety for your daughter and yourself a priority.  Are you safe there? 

What is the next step moving forward? 

Take care, and keep posting because we are listening.

Peace and blessings,

Mustbeabetterway

[WantToBeFree]

. 

Safety is indeed a priority.  It doesn't really matter what other people think about you being in the house as long as you are safe there.  You cannot control what people say even though it is infuriating.  As you know, looking at his messages doesn't seem to help, and is in fact, hurtful.  You cannot unread that stuff once it's done.  Continue to make safety for your daughter and yourself a priority.  Are you safe there? 

What is the next step moving forward? 

Thank you so much.  Yes, I definitely know I am only hurting myself by reading the messages.  I guess I think doing so protects me somehow, either to know what he is really thinking (as I said up till now he's been super nice and sweet) or to know what people think so I don't make the mistake of believing any of his family could by my ally's or even a neutral party.  But you're right, I need to just take care of myself and my daughter and not care (or try not to) what anyone else thinks they know.

Yes, I believe I am safe here.  I was allowed to change my locks and I have supportive family and friends and some of them know about the abuse, so if need be, I could flee to them at a moments notice.

Thanks again for your kind words.