Wife is threatened by 2 y.o. grandchild's visit

[Depression = 72% of members]

My wife and I had been together for 13 years—in reasonable, though not 100% harmony. She has two daughters from previous marriages, I have two sons. The real trouble started when my younger son’s wife got pregnant. They live in India, where she teaches in an international school. I live in the U.S. Midway through her pregnancy my daughter-in-law developed medical problems, and the school sent her back to the U.S. for treatment. I helped her to find doctors at a medical center near where I live, and so I ended up spending time with them.

At about the same time my wife developed some medical problems of her own. Not life-threatening, but still needing attention. As I had in the past, I drove her to her appointments, kept her company at the clinics, helped her with whatever she needed at home, and rarely left her alone for long.

My daughter-in-law had her baby at a hospital closer to where her parents lived, a couple of hundred miles from my home. She had a scheduled C-section, so I arranged to stay at a nearby motel for several days. My wife was well by this time, but I should have known trouble was brewing when she declined my request to come with me.

When the baby was a month old the kids came to stay at our house for two weeks. It’s a big house, plenty of room for everyone. My wife said hello, grinned at the baby, and retreated upstairs and shut the door. She remained there for practically the whole visit. She said to me, “I’m not into babies,” and she never touched this child, not once.

From that then on—over two years—our marriage has gone downhill. We went to a counselor. My wife accused me of having neglected her when she and my daughter-in-law had simultaneous medical problems, but this was not true. The kids were in our neighborhood for maybe a week total. I was careful to be with my wife any time she needed company or help, and she never had to go to an appointment alone. Still, the idea is fixed in her mind that I abandoned her in favor of my daughter-in-law.

Neither of my wife’s daughters is likely to have children. She insists this isn’t an issue. The counselor told me he believed she had BPD. This had never occurred to me before (duh!), but now it makes sense. Did I mention that one of her daughters has BPD?

Recently both my wife’s parents died within a few months of each other, so life hasn’t been easy for her. I don’t pretend that I am God’s gift to marital relations. There have been plenty of times when I’ve handled things improperly, treated her with less patience and consideration than I should have. Still, rather than taking any comfort in our relationship—and I have offered lots of sympathy—she has pulled away even further.

She becomes furious at the drop of a hat. She complains incessantly about her siblings, but clearly has zero insight into what she may have done to sour the relationships. Similarly, she complains about “stupid” grocery store clerks, on-line sales people, even her friends. She never has any part in creating the problems. I put off trying to discuss even minor issues with her, because I know that no matter how careful I am, she’ll instantly get impatient, then angry.

With the coronavirus situation as bad as it is in India, my son and his family are now being sent home. They are nice kids and good parents. I get along well with them and, curmudgeon that I am, I finally have to believe them when they say they enjoy my company. I feel terrible that I have not yet invited them to stay at my house, but I have yet to do so because I know what my wife’s reaction will be.

What I’m asking on this forum is whether anyone has faced a situation at all like this, this kind of extreme jealousy that disrupts a family, ever lived with this certainty that no matter how hard you try you will be accused of being inconsiderate and neglectful. And whether anyone has found a successful strategy for dealing with it. I’ve been reading the books on BPD that everyone reads, but I still feel no confidence that I will be able to succeed in handling this upcoming visit. So I’ll be very grateful for any helpful thoughts or suggestions.

[alterK]

My wife and I had been together for 13 years—in reasonable, though not 100% harmony. She has two daughters from previous marriages, I have two sons. The real trouble started when my younger son’s wife got pregnant. They live in India, where she teaches in an international school. I live in the U.S. Midway through her pregnancy my daughter-in-law developed medical problems, and the school sent her back to the U.S. for treatment. I helped her to find doctors at a medical center near where I live, and so I ended up spending time with them.

At about the same time my wife developed some medical problems of her own. Not life-threatening, but still needing attention. As I had in the past, I drove her to her appointments, kept her company at the clinics, helped her with whatever she needed at home, and rarely left her alone for long.

My daughter-in-law had her baby at a hospital closer to where her parents lived, a couple of hundred miles from my home. She had a scheduled C-section, so I arranged to stay at a nearby motel for several days. My wife was well by this time, but I should have known trouble was brewing when she declined my request to come with me.

When the baby was a month old the kids came to stay at our house for two weeks. It’s a big house, plenty of room for everyone. My wife said hello, grinned at the baby, and retreated upstairs and shut the door. She remained there for practically the whole visit. She said to me, “I’m not into babies,” and she never touched this child, not once.

From that then on—over two years—our marriage has gone downhill. We went to a counselor. My wife accused me of having neglected her when she and my daughter-in-law had simultaneous medical problems, but this was not true. The kids were in our neighborhood for maybe a week total. I was careful to be with my wife any time she needed company or help, and she never had to go to an appointment alone. Still, the idea is fixed in her mind that I abandoned her in favor of my daughter-in-law.

Neither of my wife’s daughters is likely to have children. She insists this isn’t an issue. The counselor told me he believed she had BPD. This had never occurred to me before (duh!), but now it makes sense. Did I mention that one of her daughters has BPD?

Recently both my wife’s parents died within a few months of each other, so life hasn’t been easy for her. I don’t pretend that I am God’s gift to marital relations. There have been plenty of times when I’ve handled things improperly, treated her with less patience and consideration than I should have. Still, rather than taking any comfort in our relationship—and I have offered lots of sympathy—she has pulled away even further.

She becomes furious at the drop of a hat. She complains incessantly about her siblings, but clearly has zero insight into what she may have done to sour the relationships. Similarly, she complains about “stupid” grocery store clerks, on-line sales people, even her friends. She never has any part in creating the problems. I put off trying to discuss even minor issues with her, because I know that no matter how careful I am, she’ll instantly get impatient, then angry.

With the coronavirus situation as bad as it is in India, my son and his family are now being sent home. They are nice kids and good parents. I get along well with them and, curmudgeon that I am, I finally have to believe them when they say they enjoy my company. I feel terrible that I have not yet invited them to stay at my house, but I have yet to do so because I know what my wife’s reaction will be.

What I’m asking on this forum is whether anyone has faced a situation at all like this, this kind of extreme jealousy that disrupts a family, ever lived with this certainty that no matter how hard you try you will be accused of being inconsiderate and neglectful. And whether anyone has found a successful strategy for dealing with it. I’ve been reading the books on BPD that everyone reads, but I still feel no confidence that I will be able to succeed in handling this upcoming visit. So I’ll be very grateful for any helpful thoughts or suggestions.

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[Naughty Nibbler]

Hi alterK

I'm sorry about your situation.  You might consider chipping in for accommodations at a local hotel, for your son and his family.  Maybe your wife could stay somewhere else, during the visit (any luxury hotels in the area?)

The reality is that once someone with BPD paints someone black, it could stay that way forever.  She is jealous of your son & his family and feels threatened by them.  No matter how nonsensical, that is her reality.   You can't change her.  All you can do is manage the way you react & interact with her.

If you son and his family stay at your home, anticipate that your wife will behave badly.  Have you discussed your wife's behaviors with your son?

If they do stay at your home, all you can do is be pleasant, invite your wife to join all or most activities.  If she want's to stay in her room the whole time, let her.  Don't let her spoil the visit. 

[once removed]

you often have to do some reading between the lines when our loved ones express...well, lets call them accusations in this case.

it is often a less than constructive way of trying to communicate a need.

it could be (just for example), that your wife felt like a lower priority than your child (this is a very common dynamic in blended families, its a very challenging thing to do).

and following that example, it could be that when she sees your child, she sees the resentment that she feels toward you over that feeling.

what can you do about it? depends. in general, listening and not invalidating (not agreeing, necessarily, but actively listening in a way that lets her feel heard) is a good start. it will also give you a sense of where shes coming from, and thats a good start too.

any idea if shes open, or would be open to couples counseling or couples therapy where she could talk more about some of these things?

[alterK]

Thanks to both of you for your kind comments. They have helped the understanding that is just beginning to penetrate my thick head. I am realizing I am correct. My wife’s change in her attitude toward me was indeed precipitated by my daughter-in-law’s pregnancy, was aggravated by the events surrounding it, and became much worse after the baby was born.

Unfortunately, I thought my wife would understand that my love for her had not changed, and that since this was true for me it would also be true for her. The actual amount of time I spent with the kids was not that great. I thought I could do a successful balancing act. Guess I got that one wrong.

I am beginning to see how I have failed to deal with my wife’s reactions, not understanding how her emotions—jealously, feeling neglected, displaced—completely determine her perception of the situation. I have just tried to persuade her to see things my way, feeling frustrated, not realizing that my starting point needs to be an appreciation of how different her reality is from mine. I think I have also failed to appreciate the depth of pain that is beneath her anger, although how to approach that without provoking more anger may require more delicacy than I may be capable of at this point.

Dealing with this so soon after the death of her parents makes everything more difficult for my wife…and for me. The background of the pandemic (her father died of covid) makes everything worse. But there is a reality to be faced, part of that being that that the timing of events is not entirely under my control, that I do love my son and his family, that they are a source of happiness for me and I value them greatly. I am working myself up to a crucial conversation.

[once removed]

i think thats a very helpful way to look at it that can help you make inroads.

i think most of us do the best we can, with good intentions; that doesnt always allow for how the other person is experiencing things. and how theyre experiencing things is not necessarily the full reality of course, but its a significant part of it.

My wife’s change in her attitude toward me was indeed precipitated by my daughter-in-law’s pregnancy, was aggravated by the events surrounding it, and became much worse after the baby was born.

no doubt. stress wreaks a special kind of havoc for someone with bpd. its not always easy necessarily to see it happening, or at least the full extent of it.

I am working myself up to a crucial conversation.

its important to understand that while healing can take place, it most likely will occur slowly, and over time, and in ways that may not even be directly related (laying down a foundation of trust one brick at a time).

it can start with a conversation (what do you intend to say? do you think she would be receptive?). it can also start with small, but consistent steps.

[alterK]

Had THE DISCUSSION with my wife this afternoon. I had rehearsed it in my head many times beforehand, and it went 75% as I expected. Her first response was “I need to move out!” I told her I understood this was a difficult issue for her, but that I was talking with her because I wanted to try to work it out. She kept heading off down side tracks of anger, hurt, terrible things I had done to her in the past. But I have been reading the books, cramming for this test for the past month. I acknowledged that she was upset and did my best to insist that I had as much right as she did to my own ideas and feelings. Said she didn’t need to see everything in black and white. Stayed pretty calm and managed, with some effort, to return the conversation to the main point each time it strayed.

I won’t bore you with details, but I was proud that each time she started to become angry I somehow managed to deflect it. I insisted that the fact that I cared about my son and his family didn’t mean that I cared about her less. Probably what will happen now is that the kids will come and as she did before, my wife will retreat behind closed doors. Sad, because they are a nice family and fun to spend time with.

Am I happy? No. Is she? No. And it’s pretty effing ridiculous that I allowed things to come to this point, where I have to struggle just to be able to have my kids stay in my house for a week. Still, I worked hard to achieve this limited success and I feel relieved, slightly proud of myself. What the future holds is, of course, uncertain.

Thanks again to those who offered advice.

[once removed]

Probably what will happen now is that the kids will come and as she did before, my wife will retreat behind closed doors. Sad, because they are a nice family and fun to spend time with.

is there any way to include her?

what would happen if you talked about something she might like to do together? her idea.

failing that, something the two of you can do for some quality time afterward?

[alterK]

What you are suggesting are different ideas for trying to get her out of the hole she is jumping into. When she's off by herself her thinking reinforces her distress, and she digs herself deeper.

Are you apprehending that depression is part of her problem? If you are, you are right. A little dose of reality and a little (pleasant) company might help. Maybe. The pandemic makes everything more difficult.