It is 3 months now and still feels like hell

[Hadenoughtimes4]

First thanks to all of you for your stories and advice to the other members that I have read and sometimes reread. I had who I thought was the perfect woman for me who turned out to have BPD or NDP or some overlap of the 2. Maybe more, maybe all of the personality disorders wrapped in one. The 6.5 year relationship was at first, as most here describe: heaven. Then the slow devaluation and the inevitable discard. It is 3 months now and still feels like hell. Even the counseling and antidepressant pills can't relieve all the pain. The rage attacks over nothing were the worst, the silent tx as bad but the in the end the "reasons" for our demise, per her rantings made zero sense. Less than zero actually. Utter nonsense for all the reasons which were childish. The worst was "You've never done a thing for me". Every project she did for the past 6 plus years, all the travel, all the fun times, threw her a birthday party one year and took her to Europe another and all the small things I did EVERY day for her meant absolutely nothing. Zero. Less than nothing. I hope this resonates with some/all here, I wanted you to know that others went through the same or similar. And thanks especially for the comments re the new victim she surely has and that it will mean nothing to her at some point. Oddly, that helps make it less painful. I guess like most things in life recovering is a process and I wish each and every one here a day in the future when we'll all be able to turn that final page.

[once removed]

The 6.5 year relationship was at first, as most here describe: heaven. Then the slow devaluation and the inevitable discard. It is 3 months now and still feels like hell. Even the counseling and antidepressant pills can't relieve all the pain.

sorry to hear youre hurting, Het4.

6.5 years is a long time... .its not easy to grieve that loss. seeing her in a new relationship is a huge double whammy.

how is the counseling going? what are you getting or not getting out of it?

[SerendipityChild]

Even the counseling and antidepressant pills can't relieve all the pain.

I am sorry you are going through this. All of us here share the same pain and we can all relate to your situation. Mine has been 2.5 months since he left and it did and sometimes still hurt. Devastated even. I felt like I didn't want to wake up in the mornings anymore. Everything was a huge chore.
It is okay to feel the pain. Go through the grieving process. Cry, scream, write on this board and let it out.
When I discovered this site and read the posts I felt like I am never alone, not anymore.
You will find a lot of support here, trust me on it.

[SerendipityChild]

The worst was "You've never done a thing for me".

Same here... .all the money, attention and time I spent on him. He's worse than a child, very emotionally immature. I gave him everything he needed. I even supported his drug habits. That's how much I was crazy about him. When he left he took all of my self-esteem and confidence. I was ashamed to even get out of the house, stopped taking care of myself and talking to friends and family.
We have invested so much and got resentment in return.

[Boyaka75]

I'm just over 4 months and find it difficult still. I was with my ex for 15 years and married for just under 5 years. I was the happiest person in the world when I married my wife. She was so beautiful on our wedding day. Not long after we got married, we decided to try and have a baby. She came off her birth control and a few months later, we tried to make a baby. We went month after month and nothing happened so we went to a fertility clinic. It turned out that she could not have children and my count was low. This was the turning point of our relationship. I am not sure if the news was to much for her or if her hormones went out of whack from stopping the birth control or maybe a combination of both. At this point, I did not know she was having any issues mentally. She then started to get irregular periods to the point where she was having them pretty much every day. I stood by her and went to all her surgeries (IUD put in and then an ablasion however you spell it). I stayed home after each surgery to take care of her. It seemed to have stopped after the ablasion but her alcohol intake was getting worse. She has always been a drinker, but it was getting worse. She came home a few nights and was drinking and driving and once the cops arrived at our house cause someone called her car in. I was so upset that I sat and talked to her about it, which she calls a lecture. It must have upset her cause then she stopped coming home. She would drink a crap load and stay at an alcoholics house. This went on for months and then the alcoholic was put into the hospital for suicidal thoughts. Not long after he went in, she told me she had suicidal thoughts the day before so I called the police... .she now says I had her thrown into a psych ward, which you cannot do her in Canada. She was in the hospital for 12 hours. I found out at this point that she was sharing a bed with the alcoholic and both swear it was platonic. From the hospital, she came home for 5 days. Things were ok and I tried my best but she was more focused on the alcoholic than me so I just had enough. I am not going to be second best to my wife. She ended up leaving and moved back to her parents. She asked me to do marriage counselling and week after week she promised to setup counselling. She moved back to the alcoholics house when he was released from the hospital. He stayed for a month and then told her he had to move away cause he had the urge to drink again if he stayed. He moved and she went back to her parents. Now she rents a room from a 76 year old regular from the bar/restaurant she works at. She started calling me emotionally abusive and told everyone she was going to take me for everything. She posts all these depression posts on Facebook and has bashed me to people calling me emotionally abusive. I ask her for examples of what I did and she doesn't give me any specifics. So, after about a week of separation, she went out on purpose to have sex with some random person. She went back to his place and just before they started having sex, she "pocket dialed" me. We NEVER called each other. We always used text message so I am not sold on this "pocket dial" crap. I couldn't hear much so I hung up and had no idea of what she was doing. She texted me the next day and told me she was raped. I called her and she told me she went out to have sex and said that the guy took it to far and wouldn't stop. She said she begged him to stop and he didn't. She said she was getting a rape kit test and was going to make sure he didn't get away with it... .haven't heard anything more and its been months. She has turned to pure hate for me. She will not talk to me, but when she does, she tells me each time that she left cause I was abusive and tells me I had her thrown in a psych ward. I saw a psychotherapist for 10 weeks because she had me convinced I was emotionally abusive. I read the book "The emotionally abusive relationship" to try and figure it out. It has been the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. It pains me she hates me so much. I loved this girl will all my heart. She meant the world to me. I would have done anything to save our marriage. All she has done is try and hurt me. She threatens lawyers and tells me she will take me for everything. She tried to take our dog, which I take care of. She does nothing. She did nothing around the house. I cleaned the house. I did it ALL. I know she suffers from bad anxiety and the drinking does not help. She would come home and could barely stand. She hid a bottle under the counter once and drank 3/4 of a bottle of whisky. She has an identical twin sister and she has been diagnosed with BPD. I started looking up BPD and I believe she suffers from it also. I have not said anything to her and her sister has nothing to do with my wife. My wife has a hard time keeping friends, unless they life far away and they are only friends on Facebook. I know our marriage is over but the pain is still there. I miss her SOO much and have a hard time getting over it. People tell me to just move on and get over it... .I can't just get over it. Anyways, I know there is a lot more I can say, but this post is getting long.

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Help, everyone, anyone: A question, please.

5 Months ago my ex GF with textbook BPD walked out with the usual drama, no contact since. I inadvertently butt dialed her number 2 weeks ago but she didn't pick up. Then a week later a hand delivered box (no labeling whatsoever) is on my doorstep with several DVDs of mine left at her place. No note. A picture of me from long ago was also in the box.

charm?

Ed

[Skip]

Are you thinking she is trying to reconnect and the box is a provocation of sorts? On the surface it seems like she is responding to your call but giving you back the last things she has (in case that was the reason for your call). The photo is likely a message that she doesn't want to look at it anymore.

Does this sound right?

Six years is a long time. What was the reason for the breakup and how did it go down?

[Hadenoughtimes4]

Thanx for the reply's folks, means a lot. Why not just toss the DVDs and the picture of me, why box it up and drive it to my house and leave it on the porch?

[once removed]

Why not just toss the DVDs and the picture of me, why box it up and drive it to my house and leave it on the porch?

when it comes to exchanging belongings, its the polite thing to do. i boxed up my exs belongings. after a year or so, when it was beyond clear she didnt care to get them back, i disposed of them, but i erred on the assumption that she would. im assuming your ex did as well.

What was the reason for the breakup and how did it go down?

can you tell us about this? it might shed some more light.

[Mutt]

Hi Hadenoughtimes4,


I think you’re probably wondering why because you’re split black, she was emotionally dysregulated, out of proportion anger directed at you. You butt dialed her a couple of weeks ago and she came by a week later you haven’t talked to each other we become a trigger for our exes you’ve had some space unless there are other things going on I her life that’s causing her stress, her emotions are dialed up to 11 of the time.

My point is she’s still a regular person that happens to have a serious mental disorder but she doesn’t act irrationally 100% of the time. She probably thought that it was appropriate and like Skip said she didn’t want to see a picture of you, remember we become a trigger and a source of shame for a pwBPD your belongings will trigger difficult feelings. I’m not trying to minimize how difficult that it’s been for you I’m sorry that you’re going through it’s tough. I’m just trying to see it from her perspective to help you.

[JNChell]

Hello, Hadenoughtimes4. I’m sorry that you’re having these feelings. Many of us here relate. We know how hard it is.

I had who I thought was the perfect woman for me who turned out to have BPD or NDP or some overlap of the 2.

I believe that this is the case with my ex. We share a child. He’ll be 4 in December. She presents with strong BPD traits. She cuts for one. Her narcissism is unbridled. She’s covert with both. Borderline and narcissism overlap a lot. Unfortunately, that toxic soup will never taste better as a reheated leftover.

Even the counseling and antidepressant pills can't relieve all the pain. The rage attacks over nothing were the worst, the silent tx as bad but the in the end the "reasons" for our demise, per her rantings made zero sense.

This is where you cease to take things personally. This is where you “saw” this happening.

I went through the rage attacks and they caused emotional flashbacks. Some, very severe.

Silent treatment is emotional abuse.

"You've never done a thing for me"

This is most likely projection. This equates to not taking ownership for the things they’ve done to others because they feel bad about themselves.

One day soon, you’ll be giving advice here. Time helps, inflection heals.