Child of a pwBPD, now a parent myself

[cle216]

Hi everyone,

I recently made my first post here and I really appreciated the input, support, and giving some focus to my thoughts. The resources here are great and help me with new perspectives or making me feel better about things I'm already doing.

Is anyone else here the child of a pwBPD and now a parent yourself? I feel like I'm recently struggling more than ever with my mom's behavior. Now being a parent, I'm processing things that happened so long ago. Things I never thought twice about that I now find hurtful or upsetting because now I can think from my own perspective as a parent and how I feel about my children. It's a bizarre and complicated feeling to be upset and processing things that happened decades ago...of course in addition to the new and current behaviors she is displaying. It probably is also magnified because she's in a "crisis" mode right now going through what appears to be the end of her current marriage. My second child is also only 6 months, so I'm sure the postpartum recovery and hormones aren't helpful in elevating some of my emotions.

I appreciate any resources or if anyone else is in a similar position and can relate. Thanks so much for listening!

[Harri]

I do not have kids of my own but I know there are plenty of members here who do and have struggled with similar feelings and difficulties.  

The best help I can offer you as someone who does not have kids and who is very aware of her own triggers and behaviors is to use every opportunity to learn how to better nurture and protect your child while healing your own inner child and changing what needs to be changed in you.  You can use this as an opportunity to parent yourself too.  Several of my friends have told me how they were able to turn their struggles with this around by doing that.

Okay, I know you want to hear more from parents so i am going to stop here.   

[Turkish]

Yes, and my boy, 9, has ASD1 (like Asperger's). He had an incident yesterday at breakfast.  I thought about how my mom would have reacted if it were me and all I can say is thank God I didn't have ASD! Berate, shame, slap or take me into the bathroom to pull my pants down and spank me.  She did that once to me when I was 4 and refused to eat pizza at the pizzeria.

Do you fear acting the same towards your baby, or are you at the stage of just processing being a new mom and this reminding you of how your mother was?

[cle216]

Hi Harri!

Even if you're not a parent, your feedback is so helpful. What you mention about protecting my own children and healing myself makes perfect sense. Sometimes I feel like I need to do this but am not sure how exactly to go about it or to give in to allowing myself to do it. It's difficult to express, but maybe you can understand. I really appreciate your support!

[cle216]

Turkish,

Your son is so fortunate to have you as his mother, it sounds like you are doing a great job learning from your experiences and being better for it.

I have a 3 year old and a 6 month old. It's strange that I didn't have this overwhelming feeling when I had my first child. My mom is in a "crisis" mode right now and I think it's causing an increase in some of her behaviors, so maybe that's why.

I'm some where in between thinking about my own way of parenting and remembering how my mother was. It's so hard to admit fearing acting the same as her. Even here on this board, I can't bring myself to directly say it. I know I don't have BPD, but I worry that just like anybody, we learn from our mothers. I've tried to really do my best to learn from her examples, but by doing the opposite, just like your example from breakfast with your son. You learned a lot from how your mother handled you and it let you be extra sensitive to responding appropriately to your child. But I know she has other tendencies I've learned from. For example - impulsive shopping. I realized I was doing it (nowhere near the level she was. Just, poor money management and buying it if I liked it). I tried to examine things I've learned from her, and have a "take it or leave it" approach. Take the good things, leave the not so good things. Just by having that awareness, I don't just buy things without thought now. Unlike my mother who can't stop herself, for me it's not part of a disorder that I can't control. So anyway, I guess my point is trying to relate that to parenting without being too hard on myself, because I am human and there are long days with a toddler and infant while working full time, that I could have done things better. Fortunately, so far my children's childhood is nothing like mine.

I guess it's a lot of reminding me of my mother mostly. And being hurt by things that never hurt before. Because now I'm thinking of it as a mother. How could she do the things she did if she loves me and my sister the way I love my children? Then I flip back to realizing its BPD, it is what it is. It's not logical or intentional the way my behavior is.

Sorry for the long reply. I'm newer here, so sometimes I just start pouring out thoughts. I appreciate you listening. Parenting is hard and it sounds like you are doing a great job with your son who may have some additional needs. Does your mom have a relationship with you now and your son? I'm curious to hear how she is with your son and how you deal with that.

[Notwendy]

Hi Cle216,
I think many of us can relate to the fear of being like our mothers when it comes to parenting, but thankfully we don't have BPD, but also we didn't have good role models or a "normal" example of parenting growing up. If our mothers went to one extreme, doing the "opposite" might not be the best option in some times.

I studied other mothers. I have friends who are great parents and I observed how they handled things. I also read a lot of parenting books to get advice. Parenting is wonderful, and it can also be challenging at times. Some communities have parenting classes. One that I like - I didn't do the program but I did read about it is the "Parenting with love and logic" series.

My instincts have been to protect my kids from discomfort, because of what I went through with BPD mom. The actual goal is to protect them from things that are harmful but to allow them to learn to manage their own discomfort- such as a friend being mean to them on the playground, or forgetting their homework, or not getting something they ask for when it isn't appropriate. It is really hard to have a kid have a tantrum when you say no and even scream at you. It's reminiscent of my mother- but the child is acting age appropriately and needs to learn to manage their feelings.

My kids are older now, but at times, I feared they had BPD. The moody pre-teen who is acting out is triggering to me- because it looks like my mother's behavior, but thank goodness, they grew up emotionally and they don't have BPD. My mother, unfortunately did not "grow up" emotionally. I know we don't cause BPD, but one thing that I think has prevented  her from "growing up" more was being enabled. She's allowed to act like that and she gets what she wants. We have to be careful to not enable our kids when their acting out is hard for us to see- as I know my pattern has been to give in to my mother to keep the peace.

So we walk a fine line of giving to our kids what they need, but not every thing they want. It's hard for me to have my child mad at me. I feared they would dislike me, but they don't. Love your kids unconditionally and show them love and they will know you love them consistently. I protect my children from harm but not from age appropriate challenges such as a hard homework assignment- let them handle it, help if you need to, but don't do it for them. Advise them on how to handle the "mean kid" at school but then let them manage it. ( intervene if it gets too much).

Parenting has also been a healing experience for me. I didn't have the normal childhood but I could experience it through them and indulge my inner child. I think I enjoyed the Disney movies, and later the teen movies as much as they did. In some ways, I got to be a kid, while still being a parent.

There are no perfect parents and we might stumble sometimes with it, but consistent unconditional love goes a long way with kids. Enjoy the process.

[cle216]

Hi Notwendy,

Your response is so helpful. There are some good reminders you've shared and excellent points about parenting that I was feeling but having a difficult time verbalizing. I appreciate your experience having older children and reminding me what is normal in child development. You are so right about the opposite of our learned examples being too extreme too. It's so important for them to feel whatever emotions they feel but know I'm there for support...not to tell them how to feel or to stop them from coping with those feelings.

I'm familiar with the love and logic program but haven't looked much into. Maybe I will. My career is highly related to child development and mental health...but it's so different being a parent and trying to cope with my own experiences and BPD isn't one I come across in my work (or isn't revealed or labeled as such).

Thanks so much for listening and for your thoughtful response.