Do you see your own "red Flags?"

[Herodias]

What happens when you see yourself on some of the lists of people to avoid as having"red flags?"... .My parents are divorced, I don't have a ton of friends... .my long term friends are in another state. I see them when I go home, but I have made allot of bad friends where I live now that I have stopped being friends with. I feel I am becoming healthier, but I would rather not have allot of friends... .My Mom always said if you have one hands worth of true friends (5), consider yourself lucky. I do tell too much of my life too soon, which is something I am working on and it is taking time... .I guess that is all we can do, work on our selves and learn what NOT to do!

[purekalm]

Herodias,

Yes, I sure do and have. I think that anyone growing up with someone that's dysfunctional is going to have a little bit of their own. The difference lies in how you take it, what you do with it. Whereas an unhealthy person is going to deny their life away, a person who is trying to be mentally healthy will work on their issues to become a better person.

That's my belief anyways.

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[eeks]

Hi Herodias,

I think you may be focusing too much on the surface details - "The list says not having a lot of friends is a red flag, I don't have a lot of friends, now let me try to analyze all the details to see whether or not that's a red flag".

Let's hope that your date is not sitting there with a checklist, "oh, she doesn't have a lot of friends, must not be relationship material, bye-bye!" and that you could actually have a conversation about something like that. 

This is something I have had to learn myself, and still working on it (after all I came of age in the 90s when "play hard to get" and "have a full life of your own, don't sit around by the phone waiting for him to call" superficial stuff not addressing what really makes a relationship work, was the predominant pop culture advice about dating for women)... .that although healthy people are mindful of red flags on dates, meeting a new person should be about the feelings of connection between the two of you, it should not feel like he is sitting there with a checklist evaluating you, nor you with a checklist evaluating him.

And I think this is one area of life where trusting our emotions really is best.  Those impressions we get when we hear someone say something.  Yes, it is important to distinguish "gut feeling" or "intuition" that is steering us in the right direction, from old habitual fears or tendencies to be "attracted to the wrong guy/girl", but I still think feelings are our best guide.

If you are introverted and happy with the quantity and quality of friendships that you have, go with that.  If you are not, make efforts to develop your friendships.  Do it because you want to, not because some article says people who don't have a lot of friends are a red flag in dating.

Likewise with having divorced parents.  My parents are not divorced, but in my opinion they should be... .they live as roommates, basically, in a state of resignation... .does that make me better relationship material?  I don't think so.  The key is to do whatever you need to to understand yourself and foster well-being for yourself, including healing relational trauma.

eeks

[Herodias]

Hi Herodias,

I think you may be focusing too much on the surface details - "The list says not having a lot of friends is a red flag, I don't have a lot of friends, now let me try to analyze all the details to see whether or not that's a red flag".

Let's hope that your date is not sitting there with a checklist, "oh, she doesn't have a lot of friends, must not be relationship material, bye-bye!" and that you could actually have a conversation about something like that. 

This is something I have had to learn myself, and still working on it (after all I came of age in the 90s when "play hard to get" and "have a full life of your own, don't sit around by the phone waiting for him to call" superficial stuff not addressing what really makes a relationship work, was the predominant pop culture advice about dating for women)... .that although healthy people are mindful of red flags on dates, meeting a new person should be about the feelings of connection between the two of you, it should not feel like he is sitting there with a checklist evaluating you, nor you with a checklist evaluating him.

And I think this is one area of life where trusting our emotions really is best.  Those impressions we get when we hear someone say something.  Yes, it is important to distinguish "gut feeling" or "intuition" that is steering us in the right direction, from old habitual fears or tendencies to be "attracted to the wrong guy/girl", but I still think feelings are our best guide.

If you are introverted and happy with the quantity and quality of friendships that you have, go with that.  If you are not, make efforts to develop your friendships.  Do it because you want to, not because some article says people who don't have a lot of friends are a red flag in dating.

Likewise with having divorced parents.  My parents are not divorced, but in my opinion they should be... .they live as roommates, basically, in a state of resignation... .does that make me better relationship material?  I don't think so.  The key is to do whatever you need to to understand yourself and foster well-being for yourself, including healing relational trauma.

eeks

Thanks eeks,   I laughed out loud about the part where you said you hope my date isn't sitting there with a check list! So funny! I guess I should not be sitting there with a check list either! You are totally right... .I think I am getting tired of analyzing myself. I 'yam who I 'yam... .says Popeye, right? Lol