How did you handle crises?

[Mercury2Pluto]

Early on in the marriage, before I knew better, I took every crisis very seriously, dropping everything and rushing to her rescue, not yet aware that a Major Crisis would occur every few days. 

Two in particular that I feel so stupid about happened about a month after marriage when I was still very naive.  One of my most important events at work was a conference that a customer asked me to organize.  There were people from 20 organizations who had traveled from around the country to attend.  As I was preparing to leave the morning of the event she collapsed onto the floor sobbing.  She had no idea what was wrong, but it seemed very serious.  I spent an hour sitting on the floor with her, trying to comfort her.  It was very embarrassing to be an hour late to the event that I was hosting.  Later that day she apologized and said that the only reason she could think of that caused her break down that day was that she drank too much coffee. 

A short time later one of my closest friends got married.  The day of the wedding my wife felt ill and said she could not attend.  Fine.  I would have gone without her, no problem.  Except that she said she was too sick to be alone and begged me to stay home with her.  To my great shame, I did.  I cancelled on my friend the day of the wedding. 

In both cases, as well as many many other days that were more ordinary work and social events that I missed, I thought that she was Extremely Ill and this was a Major Crisis and of course, on the rare (haha) occasion of a spouse with a Major Crisis, naturally I must cancel my other plans.

After the first year of many many frequent crises I worried about how to figure out which crises were serious and which were not.  Which ones warranted dropping everything and rushing home as she asked me to do every few days?  What if it actually was serious this time?  Eventually I concluded that none of the crises were serious and became completely burned out.  And bitter and resentful about those early days and the two important events that I missed for no reason.

Did you ever figure out which crises were actually 4 alarm fires and which were not?  What happened when you didn't drop everything and rush to the rescue?  When I tried that I did feel better about myself for not giving in to the histrionics, however she brought it up many times for months afterward, accusing me of not rescuing her when she was experiencing a Dire Emergency in yet another Terrible Crisis.

I still feel very confused.  I fear that in the future I still won't know how to tell whether someone is really having a crisis.  Or how to tell if someone is telling the truth.  I do not have the confidence for another relationship.

[Left broken and confused]

The last crises I dealt with was in May. I was leaving for work and my ex wasn't feeling well but seemed ok. I had a home inspection which of course is very important and something a good real estate agent should be present for. He was well aware of that and next thing I know I get a call from his cell phone but it was his doctor telling me he was calling an ambulance because he didn't look good and was complaining of alot of stomach pain. Knowing him I told the doctor I wasn't gone long and he was ok when I left. When I got to the hospital he was acting like a crazy person screaming he was in pain and nobody was paying attention to him. I was so embarrassed since my personality is opposite. Finally him and half the er began to vomit and he wad sent home just a virus (yes they are horrible but the screaming you would have thought he was going to die) I take care of him all night and call in sick from work to stay with him. On the 3rd day I had to pick up my kids from their father. I was gone not even 2 hours when he said he had chest pain and was going back to the hospital by ambulance yet again. I drop everything of course and go back.  Once I get there the poor very sick man sends me out to get him a sandwich.  He was totally fine but loved the attention of being in the hospital.  So 1 full week and 2 ambulance rides for a 24 hour stomach virus

[Infern0]

Yeah I was one of the ones who always rushed to comfort her.

It was always some amatuer dramatics nonsense,  "I feel like I'm losing all my friends" or stuff literally that ridiculous but of course I'd drive over and as soon as I got there and offered some advice she'd be like oh its ok it'll work out.

It wasn't until after she had replaced me and got with my replacement that the real theatrics started though. It was weird because after that happened and she was blaming it on the meds and trying to friendzone me (i refused and told her that I would be open to something in the future but not now)

Well then the real crisis started happening "my life is ruined,  I'm so depressed"

I took this to mean she had made a mistake and wanted to fix things so again I went running like an idiot but then as soon as I got there she was ok.

Common pattern,  she makes a crisis,  I run to her side to try and help but when I get there she's fine.

[Tibbles]

A constant theme in my marriage was my ex was always in a constant state of crisis and everything was the most important thing that had every happened to him and I always managed to mess it up for him. Over dramatizing everything. I responded as the "rescuer" and always went to his aid and support. All that did was reinforce his dramatic ways. When I didn't respond as he wanted he would throw it back in my face later as well. It was a cycle that never ended until I left. Even then it continued for a while as I fought my way away from him.

As for the future and not knowing if something is a real crisis or not. I'm working on if its a crisis then it's going to be their crisis and it is not for me to rescue people but to believe in them and let them cope with their own crisis. No idea if that will work, or if I can to that. All I know is my habit of being a rescuer is not a healthy one for me or for my ex so I'm going to try not to do that again.  Who knows how that plan will go!

[Mercury2Pluto]

Hey Tibbles, thanks for that reminder.  Another person's crisis is their crisis. I am still in the mindset of trying to guess when to rescue rather than letting go of owning another's crises.