If passive-Aggressive behavior was part of your r/s

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

... .you might find the book "Living with The Passive-Aggressive Man" (Scott Wetzler) useful in helping you un-do magical thinking about the reality long-term of living with a partner like this (male or female). Helped me get to another level of "facing the facts" -- realizing that no matter how much I love my former partner, a r/s with him would continue to be very stressful and unsatisfying because he is unwilling to see these behaviors as problematic in the relationship.  Wetzler also discusses OUR roles as victims, managers or rescuers and how we enable the unhealthy dynamic.

A few excerpts:

Passive-aggressive behavior fractures relationships that would otherwise thrive.

... .

If you love such a man, then you know him as someone who never seems to love you back fully; he promises but rarely delivers... . What makes his personality confusing is that he's passive, coaxing, elusive, but also aggressively resistant to you, to intimacy, to responsibility and reason.

Right now, confused by his behavior, you may be doubting yourself, not him... .Passive-aggression is an understandable psychological pattern--anger is its driving force, and fear its hidden secret.

When you're hooked on a passive-aggressive man (or if you've grown up with one), you've been hurt and made angry by his games far too often. You wish you could take him or leave him, but you don't know why you can't. On the one side, there's the passive-aggressive man and his tricks, but on the other side, there's your weakness for him.

If you have any emotional investment in a passive-aggressive man, it's because you've fallen for his salesmanship. He's brilliantly persuasive at selling himself--whether it's his brooding stoicism, his understated charm, his boyishness or irresistible seductiveness. You buy into his elusiveness, but you also buy into his neediness. You feel for him and want to be the one who breaks through, who tears the walls down and gets him to shape up. In many cases, it's a thankless mission.

Problems arise with the passive-aggressive man because of his fatal flaw: an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity. If what he says or does confuses you, or, more likely, angers you, this is why. You're not the only one to react this way. It's what passive-aggression is all about.

... .

You'll find that most passive-aggressive men negotiate the world as "nice guys" denying even the slightest hint of hostility or conflict.

... .

Passive men and the more complicated passive-aggressive men have a trait in common: both are reluctant to assert themselves directly, in a firm but tactful way. They shun and fear self-assertion, mistaking it for unleashed aggression. The consequences of assertion scare them. Their internal thinking goes something like this: "If I do this, straight out and simply, I'm telling you what I think, what I'm going to do or what I feel. This leaves me open to a possible challenge, disagreement or loss of support.

This emotion-packed reasoning haunts them. If asserting themselves brings them into direct confrontation with others, what will happen next? Could they handle an attack? Self-doubt tells them they would not be able to do so, so they do what they can to avoid confrontation. To passive-aggressive personalities, denial and avoidance offer a safe haven.

... .

Passive-aggressive men are rarely "bad guys", brutalizers or tyrants at home or at work, but they're not purely "good guys" either... .Instead they're the men who frustrate you--men who suffer from profound internal bluffs, mechanisms destined to trip up both of you... .making you feel alternately sabotaged and hurt, manipulated and used, undermined and betrayed, devalued and patronized. One moment, you're sure of them, the next they're withholding and cold. While you try ardently to get a job done or keep a relationship working, you wind up wasting your time in a dead-end situation.

Although passive-aggression is fundamentally about one individual's psychological conflict, it is most poignantly played out in the arena of a two-person relationship.

Passive-Aggressive Profile Traits

- Fear of dependency

- Fear of intimacy

- Fear of competition

- Obstructionism

- Fostering chaos

- Feeling victimized

- Making excuses and lying

- Procrastination

- Ambiguity

- Sulking

A passive-aggressive man tries to hide his insecurities and fears. The key to his personality is the fear underlying his aggression... .What I hope to impress upon you in this book is how to recognize and know a passive-aggressive man for what he is, not what you wish he could be.

... .

The passive-aggressive man has an uncanny ability to create maddening situations. You want more from him--real emotional connection or a show of cooperation, less edginess and antagonism, less self-consciousness between the two of you. But how can you get it? Is it you or is it him? Are you asking too much of him? When you talk it over, if he agrees with anything, it will be: how you're to blame... .how you're always wanting more... .how you never appreciate him... .how hard he works... .what sacrifices he makes. For the passive-aggressive man, it's always about you, not him.

From his perspective , these accusations make sense. If you're to blame, then he's not.

... .

The passive-aggressive man believes he's surrounded by a world in which he's overly dependent on powerful adults and unable to control his environment. He assumes the role of a child. In his world, outside forces determine his future happiness no matter what he does. He feels he has little or no influence in getting you or anyone else to give him what he wants. He sees you as inconsistent and unpredictable.

... .

The passive-aggressive man seeks acceptance by others before he can accept himself. In fact, some may look to others to help them frame an authentic sense of self. ("Who am I? You tell me." It's the strength of others' judgments about him--that he's smart, that he's affable, etc. that gives him direction and ego. On the one hand, he seeks acceptance, which he hopes will lead to love and respect by those who confer it on him; on the other hand he resents his dependency on them to his very soul.

... .

Intimacy is the number one issue for the passive-aggressive man to manage. His duality--his passivity and his aggression at war with each other--shows itself most vulnerably in matters of intimacy. It paralyzes him. The better you understand how intimacy, trust, giving and getting and fear of rejection affect the passive-aggressive man, the better prepared you'll be to deal with him. And you may begin to ask yourself some hard questions: Am I seeking intimacy from a man who is incapable of that closeness? Am I seeking commitment from someone who cannot make a commitment?

[Discovery]

... .you might find the book "Living with The Passive-Aggressive Man" (Scott Wetzler) useful in helping you un-do magical thinking about the reality long-term of living with a partner like this (male or female). Helped me get to another level of "facing the facts" -- realizing that no matter how much I love my former partner, a r/s with him would continue to be very stressful and unsatisfying because he is unwilling to see these behaviors as problematic in the relationship.  Wetzler also discusses OUR roles as victims, managers or rescuers and how we enable the unhealthy dynamic.

A few excerpts:

Passive-aggressive behavior fractures relationships that would otherwise thrive.

... .

If you love such a man, then you know him as someone who never seems to love you back fully; he promises but rarely delivers... . What makes his personality confusing is that he's passive, coaxing, elusive, but also aggressively resistant to you, to intimacy, to responsibility and reason.

Right now, confused by his behavior, you may be doubting yourself, not him... .Passive-aggression is an understandable psychological pattern--anger is its driving force, and fear its hidden secret.

When you're hooked on a passive-aggressive man (or if you've grown up with one), you've been hurt and made angry by his games far too often. You wish you could take him or leave him, but you don't know why you can't. On the one side, there's the passive-aggressive man and his tricks, but on the other side, there's your weakness for him.

If you have any emotional investment in a passive-aggressive man, it's because you've fallen for his salesmanship. He's brilliantly persuasive at selling himself--whether it's his brooding stoicism, his understated charm, his boyishness or irresistible seductiveness. You buy into his elusiveness, but you also buy into his neediness. You feel for him and want to be the one who breaks through, who tears the walls down and gets him to shape up. In many cases, it's a thankless mission.

Problems arise with the passive-aggressive man because of his fatal flaw: an indirect and inappropriate way of expressing hostility under the guise of innocence, generosity or passivity. If what he says or does confuses you, or, more likely, angers you, this is why. You're not the only one to react this way. It's what passive-aggression is all about.

... .

You'll find that most passive-aggressive men negotiate the world as "nice guys" denying even the slightest hint of hostility or conflict.

... .

Passive men and the more complicated passive-aggressive men have a trait in common: both are reluctant to assert themselves directly, in a firm but tactful way. They shun and fear self-assertion, mistaking it for unleashed aggression. The consequences of assertion scare them. Their internal thinking goes something like this: "If I do this, straight out and simply, I'm telling you what I think, what I'm going to do or what I feel. This leaves me open to a possible challenge, disagreement or loss of support.

This emotion-packed reasoning haunts them. If asserting themselves brings them into direct confrontation with others, what will happen next? Could they handle an attack? Self-doubt tells them they would not be able to do so, so they do what they can to avoid confrontation. To passive-aggressive personalities, denial and avoidance offer a safe haven.

... .

Passive-aggressive men are rarely "bad guys", brutalizers or tyrants at home or at work, but they're not purely "good guys" either... .Instead they're the men who frustrate you--men who suffer from profound internal bluffs, mechanisms destined to trip up both of you... .making you feel alternately sabotaged and hurt, manipulated and used, undermined and betrayed, devalued and patronized. One moment, you're sure of them, the next they're withholding and cold. While you try ardently to get a job done or keep a relationship working, you wind up wasting your time in a dead-end situation.

Although passive-aggression is fundamentally about one individual's psychological conflict, it is most poignantly played out in the arena of a two-person relationship.

Passive-Aggressive Profile Traits

- Fear of dependency

- Fear of intimacy

- Fear of competition

- Obstructionism

- Fostering chaos

- Feeling victimized

- Making excuses and lying

- Procrastination

- Ambiguity

- Sulking

A passive-aggressive man tries to hide his insecurities and fears. The key to his personality is the fear underlying his aggression... .What I hope to impress upon you in this book is how to recognize and know a passive-aggressive man for what he is, not what you wish he could be.

... .

The passive-aggressive man has an uncanny ability to create maddening situations. You want more from him--real emotional connection or a show of cooperation, less edginess and antagonism, less self-consciousness between the two of you. But how can you get it? Is it you or is it him? Are you asking too much of him? When you talk it over, if he agrees with anything, it will be: how you're to blame... .how you're always wanting more... .how you never appreciate him... .how hard he works... .what sacrifices he makes. For the passive-aggressive man, it's always about you, not him.

From his perspective , these accusations make sense. If you're to blame, then he's not.

... .

The passive-aggressive man believes he's surrounded by a world in which he's overly dependent on powerful adults and unable to control his environment. He assumes the role of a child. In his world, outside forces determine his future happiness no matter what he does. He feels he has little or no influence in getting you or anyone else to give him what he wants. He sees you as inconsistent and unpredictable.

... .

The passive-aggressive man seeks acceptance by others before he can accept himself. In fact, some may look to others to help them frame an authentic sense of self. ("Who am I? You tell me." It's the strength of others' judgments about him--that he's smart, that he's affable, etc. that gives him direction and ego. On the one hand, he seeks acceptance, which he hopes will lead to love and respect by those who confer it on him; on the other hand he resents his dependency on them to his very soul.

... .

Intimacy is the number one issue for the passive-aggressive man to manage. His duality--his passivity and his aggression at war with each other--shows itself most vulnerably in matters of intimacy. It paralyzes him. The better you understand how intimacy, trust, giving and getting and fear of rejection affect the passive-aggressive man, the better prepared you'll be to deal with him. And you may begin to ask yourself some hard questions: Am I seeking intimacy from a man who is incapable of that closeness? Am I seeking commitment from someone who cannot make a commitment?

[Bananas]

Wow Discovery, thanks for posting that.  I could relate to every single word written. I may have to check out that book!

[EdR]

Nice post! Fits my situation quite nicely. (But -not so- seriously... .why use a 'man' as an example. She was a woman!    )

Trying to stay strong here! 

[damage control]

WOW ... that is my ex in a nutshell. This describes him, his fears and his behaviours. The BPD traits he exhibits are there but he has never 'raged' like others have described theirs doing ... but he claims to be full of rage (for no apparent reason or rather, he cannot articulate why) ... .these excerpts describe both his behaviours/manipulations and my confusion about them ... wow ... just ... wow.

[bb12]

fantastic thread and observation.

but do you think passive aggression can exist on its own or is it always part of a personality disorder.

My feel is that it is the latter. That fear of intimacy combined with lack of confront (due to perceived inability to handle the consequences... .one of which might be abandonment) smells like NPD / BPD to me.

what do you reckon?

BB12

[Waifed]

My exBPD was a master of passive aggressiveness and started it with me almost two years before we started dating. I was pretty resistant to it the first 1-1/2 years of the relationship because I was coming out of a 14 year marriage and just looking to have a good time. The lasts 1-1/2 years she tore me to shreads slowly and meticulously.  

ALSO, while researching BPD I came across passive aggressive "personality disorder". I read the article and weeped uncontrollably. I AM A PASSIVE AGGRESIVE EX HUSBAND.  Every relationship I have ever been in has ended the same. I break up with them and they are crazy afterwards. Just like I am now after my exBPD ripped my heart out. I was no match for a pwBPD.  I gave in to her once in the "FOG" but I put up a good fight until then!  I woke up and left her before she could totally destroy me.

My relationship with a pwBPD has been a blessing in disguise. I am now very self aware of my issue and am working on it with my shrink. It is very easy to recognize now and I am adjusting from passive aggressive to being more assertive. Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part. I would have NEVER realized what my issues were had I not been in a BPD relationship. The scary thing is that my issues are very borderline like. Fear of abandonment and engulfment is something that I fight daily so I can relate somewhat to pwBPD.  Luckily I can fix myself much easier than a pwBPD can.  It's pretty simple really. I am working on my self esteem and have become very aware of when I start pulling PA behavior. If only I had been aware of PA years ago I would probably be with my ex wife and never would have dealt with BPD.  (Interestingly enough my exBPD tried to seduce me while I was still married but I wouldn't bite).

 I called my ex wife after I read the article about passive aggressiveness.  I weeped uncontrollable as i asked her to forgive me. I sent her a copy and she read it.  She confirmed it. We are 4 years out of our 14 year relationship and she is still in love with me. I was a sorry excuse for a human being in the past. I am working on this.  It has to do with my childhood and having a very controlling father. This is all so painful but if I get through it I will be a better person.  

I am not trying to hijack your thread and apologize if it comes across that way.  I was all of the things that you quote from the book.

[Waifed]

fantastic thread and observation.

but do you think passive aggression can exist on its own or is it always part of a personality disorder.

My feel is that it is the latter. That fear of intimacy combined with lack of confront (due to perceived inability to handle the consequences... .one of which might be abandonment) smells like NPD / BPD to me.

what do you reckon?

BB12

Most people are passive aggressive to some extent. I am on the extreme end of PA and I definitely do not have personality disorder according to my "P".  It is really pretty easy to fix. Self awareness is the biggest hurdle. I would have never admitted I had a problem had it not been for this BPD relationship.

I also have thought I was narcissistic because I have always shut down my emotions to those that truly love. I have taken so many narcissism personality tests and never score anywhere near narcissistic.  To me that would be a death sentence.

If you research covert narcissism it is VERY similar to extreme PA. The only real difference I can see is that PA people do not lack empathy. I struggle trying to determine which my exBPD suffers from, not that it really matters anymore.

[EdR]

My exBPD was a master of passive aggressiveness and started it with me almost two years before we started dating. I was pretty resistant to it the first 1-1/2 years of the relationship because I was coming out of a 14 year marriage and just looking to have a good time. The lasts 1-1/2 years she tore me to shreads slowly and meticulously. 

ALSO, while researching BPD I came across passive aggressive "personality disorder". I read the article and weeped uncontrollably. I AM A PASSIVE AGGRESIVE EX HUSBAND.  Every relationship I have ever been in has ended the same. I break up with them and they are crazy afterwards. Just like I am now after my exBPD ripped my heart out. I was no match for a pwBPD.  I gave in to her once in the "FOG" but I put up a good fight until then!  I woke up and left her before she could totally destroy me.

My relationship with a pwBPD has been a blessing in disguise. I am now very self aware of my issue and am working on it with my shrink. It is very easy to recognize now and I am adjusting from passive aggressive to being more assertive. Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part. I would have NEVER realized what my issues were had I not been in a BPD relationship. The scary thing is that my issues are very borderline like. Fear of abandonment and engulfment is something that I fight daily so I can relate somewhat to pwBPD.  Luckily I can fix myself much easier than a pwBPD can.  It's pretty simple really. I am working on my self esteem and have become very aware of when I start pulling PA behavior. If only I had been aware of PA years ago I would probably bee with my ex wife.

  I called my ex wife after I read the article about passive aggressiveness.  I weeped uncontrollable as i asked her to forgive me. I sent her a copy and she read it.  She confirmed it. We are 4 years out of our 14 year relationship and she is still in love with me. I was a sorry excuse for a human being in the past. I am working on this.  It has to do with my childhood and having a very controlling father. This is all so painful but if I get through it I will be a better person.

This was hard for me to read. When did you fully realize your behaviour was hurting others and when did you feel you had to change... ?

I mean... .I have told her so many times that her behaviour hurt me. She only gave me silence in return.

Will she ever realize the consequences of her behaviour? Will she ever want to alter her behaviour?

[Waifed]

My exBPD was a master of passive aggressiveness and started it with me almost two years before we started dating. I was pretty resistant to it the first 1-1/2 years of the relationship because I was coming out of a 14 year marriage and just looking to have a good time. The lasts 1-1/2 years she tore me to shreads slowly and meticulously.  

ALSO, while researching BPD I came across passive aggressive "personality disorder". I read the article and weeped uncontrollably. I AM A PASSIVE AGGRESIVE EX HUSBAND.  Every relationship I have ever been in has ended the same. I break up with them and they are crazy afterwards. Just like I am now after my exBPD ripped my heart out. I was no match for a pwBPD.  I gave in to her once in the "FOG" but I put up a good fight until then!  I woke up and left her before she could totally destroy me.

My relationship with a pwBPD has been a blessing in disguise. I am now very self aware of my issue and am working on it with my shrink. It is very easy to recognize now and I am adjusting from passive aggressive to being more assertive. Admitting you have a problem is the hardest part. I would have NEVER realized what my issues were had I not been in a BPD relationship. The scary thing is that my issues are very borderline like. Fear of abandonment and engulfment is something that I fight daily so I can relate somewhat to pwBPD.  Luckily I can fix myself much easier than a pwBPD can.  It's pretty simple really. I am working on my self esteem and have become very aware of when I start pulling PA behavior. If only I had been aware of PA years ago I would probably bee with my ex wife.

 I called my ex wife after I read the article about passive aggressiveness.  I weeped uncontrollable as i asked her to forgive me. I sent her a copy and she read it.  She confirmed it. We are 4 years out of our 14 year relationship and she is still in love with me. I was a sorry excuse for a human being in the past. I am working on this.  It has to do with my childhood and having a very controlling father. This is all so painful but if I get through it I will be a better person.

This was hard for me to read. When did you fully realize your behaviour was hurting others and when did you feel you had to change... ?

I mean... .I have told her so many times that her behaviour hurt me. She only gave me silence in return.

Will she ever realize the consequences of her behaviour? Will she ever want to alter her behaviour?

I have always known I had an issue. I would fall in love with my partners and once I had them where I wanted I would become very cold, manipulative and very resentful. It was mostly unconscious and only now am I able to realize my actions. I did not realize I was PA and never really knew what it was until a month ago when reading about covert narcissism and the article said it was similar to PA.

She will not realize her consequences until something traumatic in her life happens and she realizes that she is at fault instead of always thinking it is her partners. Like my shrink says "Many people I see just think they have a bad "picker" when choosing relationships".  They never look in the mirror and think it could be their own faults. I think pwBPD are masters of rewriting history to place all of the blame on others.

[Discovery]

ALSO, while researching BPD I came across passive aggressive "personality disorder". I read the article and weeped uncontrollably.

waifed, do you still have the link to this article? I'd be interested in reading it.

D

[Waifed]

ALSO, while researching BPD I came across passive aggressive "personality disorder". I read the article and weeped uncontrollably.

waifed, do you still have the link to this article? I'd be interested in reading it.

D

https://cassiopaea.org/forum/index.php?topic=31053.0

[damage control]

Another WOW moment Waifed ... reading that bought me to tears. This is EXACTLY him ... the background (dominating mother, ineffective father) the womanizing and addictions (internet, medication) ... the indecision about 'who' to choose (he once described this as 'the money or the box?' ...

The 'using of vague language to sandbag' ... this was constant ... it still is ... it is impossible to get a straight answer from him ... he consistently manoeuvres around topics and often says things that straight-up make no sense.

I could go on ... .but what is the point ... those of us here who have been with a WAIF no exactly what all of this feels like ... .and how much it sucks your entire when you try to act/think/behave rationally against the psychodrama that is so silent ... and yet so absolutely immobilising while it is playing out.

You sign up for a calm, (seemingly) emotionally cognisant person and you end up adrift at sea with a shark ... all they show is the fin ... the teeth, the rage ... it's all below the surface ... .

They don't rage or show any of the 'classic' sign of abuse and that makes it so damn difficult to 'know' if it is you or them ... of course the behaviours make it seem like it is you - and you try to be less demanding or emotional or whatever until you are just a shell because you have shut everything down in an attempt to be 'understanding and reasonable' ('civilised' he used to call it) ... god, I am resisting the urge to throw my computer against the wall ... .how dare they!

[damage control]

The man who copes with conflict by not being there has strong conflict over dependency. He desperately wants attention but fears being swallowed up by the partner. He can't be alone and live without a woman in his life, but can't be with a partner emotionally. He's caught in a Catch 22--wanting affection but avoiding it because he fears it as his destruction. He resents feeling dependent on the woman so must keep her off guard. He makes his partner feel like a nothing through his neglect or irritability but he keeps her around because he needs her. His script is ‘Be here for me, but don't come too close and don't burden me with your needs or expectations.'

He has such strong fears of intimacy deep in his unconscious mind so he must set barriers up to prevent a deep emotional connection. He is clever at derailing intimacy when it comes up by tuning out his partner and changing the subject. He must withhold part of himself to feel safe and may withdraw sexually

I am at a loss for words ... .he is doing this to me right now ... this exact thing ...

[damage control]

While most men are having sex with their partner in order to connect more deeply with her, the passive aggressive man withholds sex from his partner in order to keep himself safe and to show her who the boss is. Sex is a weapon to be used, not a way of connecting more emotionally.

If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.


I am sorry for rambling - and hijacking ... but ... .I am tempted to get that entire thread as a tattoo ... akin to "Momento" ... to remind my short-term memory (which seems to re-set every morning) of exactly what he is  ... and what I need to get away from.

I have never had a man use withholding of sex as a weapon ... it has been one of the most humiliating experiences of my life ... for those of you who have read my past threads, you may recall that he and I spent a weekend in his room a couple of weekends ago and even though he 'no longer desired me' and we were split (he had spent the previous weekend with my replacement) ... he acted like we were still together BAR the sex ... HOWEVER, he wandered around and slept naked next to me ... .and it was so confusing and humiliating ... as I expressed then ... so, this hit home and my shame is less

Thank you for sharing this and apologies again for the rant/s ... .