Hello,
My name is finchy444, I'm 36 and I just got out of a 13-month relationship with a BPD 26 year old female. The first 2-3 months were pure bliss. It was Nirvana, and I felt like the luckiest man in the world. She was absolutely beautiful, very seductive, great in bed, and she made me feel like I was her soulmate.
Well, that honeymoon period ended. She started to have intense mood-swings, directing... .no blaming, her negative feelings on me a lot of time, and if it wasn't on me she said her "hormones were off." She would often blame "not eating" or Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder (PMDD) when she couldn't manipulate me into thinking I had done something wrong.
I am a VERY STRONG-WILLED person, and I never once backed down. If I knew she was acting out of line, or if I had been awesome... .even though she thought otherwise, I would ALWAYS stand by my conviction. This lead to months and months of 1-6 hour arguments, yelling and screaming at each other, calling names, and I even broke up with her a half-dozen times, only to get back together within days or weeks.
She would always tell me how much she had matured and learned about herself, she would be on her "best behavior," and I would say "well this time we can truly make it work." Like a drug (I actually am an ex-drug addict) I chased that high I was on for a few months straight at the beginning of the relationship.
She wasn't being herself at the beginning, she literally molded herself into the mirror image of what she thought my ideal mate was. She was cunning, deceitful, MANIPULATING, very critical, and I've honestly never met anyone as toxic as her. Yet with her friends and family, she was always on her best behavior. It was only in her close and intimate relationship with me where her BPD traits came out.
Her INTENSE fear of abandonment was very strange to me. She would do anything to avoid being abandoned. Yet the funny (sad) part is, her behavior is the reason I would always threaten (or actually) abandon her. She was 25, then turned 26 right before I left her, but she acted more like a two year old for most of the relationship. We went to counseling, I worked on myself a lot as well because before I was on to her manipulation tactics, she actually had me believing I had an anger problem. It was so pathetic that I even took a few anger management classes and did a workbook!
But the funny (sad) part is, I don't have anger management issues. I do, however, get extremely angry when she manipulates, cons, puts down my values, my beliefs, and does it all with this emotionless way about her. She was soo selfish. Everything was always about her. Whether we were going out to eat, watch a movie, listening to music, or even talking about things, I often found that herself was by far her favorite subject.
She used to cheat on all of her boyfriends (and beat them), abuse drugs and alcohol, and even cut herself (has scars on her arms) back in high school. She has at least 5 (currently) of the specifiers in the DSM to be diagnosed with BPD, yet she says she may have had it in high school, but not at all anymore. She blames all of her actions on PTSD and her dad not being there for her whole life.
Anyways, things got very bad when we finally moved in together, even though she assured me things would get better because she would finally fell comfortable and secure with me if we had a place together. It was the complete opposite. She did all sorts of stuff. My best friend sent her a picture of his d$ck, and begged her for a nudie of her. So she didn't want him to abandon their friendship (her words) so she sent a topless pic to him... .this is when we were broken up but working on getting back together.
Once we got back together and moved out, she started hitting me 3x per week steadily, when in the past she had hit me on the arm or shoulder maybe 4 times in a year. The punches got harder, and she finally punched me in my face. She slammed the door shut a few times, almost pulled all of her hair out, and one night she even went into the kitchen, grabbed a big knife, and I had to prevent her from cutting her wrist.
All of this and I still didn't break up with her, then it happened... .
She was acting totally diabolic and 2-year-oldish, and told me she needed love right away. I was working on something very time-sensitive and critical for my business success, and told her that I was sorry and she would need to just wait 15 minutes then she could have me all day. She couldn't wait, and then poured out the blueberry smoothie I made her all over the brand new carpet in our new apartment living room. She did it while wearing the expensive workout clothes I bought her to workout at the gym with membership I bought her, and I payed all of the bills and for the great majority of the food while she lived there.
In the meantime, she got to go to college, study, and put all of her money from her job towards savings for her Master's program which starts next June. Yes, she wants to be a Marriage and Family Therapist of all things. So what finally did it for me was spilling the smoothie. Something inside of me broke... .it was the last straw, or I was just pissed she got the place messy, and I even told her I would've much rather her punched me.
Why did I stay 10 months longer than I should've? At first I had no idea she had BPD. I thought she was just a complicated and stressed-out person. I thought she would get healthier. I really loved her, because when the times were good (15-20%), they were GOOD. And she was an amazing step mom to my 5 year old daughter, who misses her dearly. Also, very importantly, the sex was better than with anyone I've ever been with. We made tantric love, did the animal sex thing... .whatever, she was young, beautiful and seductive, but had she not been so attractive I would've had a much easier time leaving her.
Which brings me to the present day:
It's been about 3 weeks since I made her move out. We all sat down with my daughter and had a talk so that was good. My daughter misses her but she'll get over it. She only knew her from 4-5, and my ex was only in her life in a step mom role for 6 months. We tried to be friends after breaking up, we even hung out a few times, but we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We were hugging, cuddling, then soon we were kissing. She said she didn't want to have sex unless we were in a relationship. NO!
I stood my ground and said no. So she felt like I used her. Like I was treating her like a wh#re, and other choice words. She totally went off on me in my place, and I told her to leave, so she did, after an hour and me having to hug her and tell her everything was ok.
Anyways, today is day 2 of "no contact" phase. I know without a doubt that she is a horrible match for me or any other man for that matter, and I choose to move on. However, this is easier said than done. Overall, I'm much happier without her, but I guess I was addicted to the sex and the drama! Because I find myself longing for that physical release with her, and that passion we had.
I've been eating healthy, working out, reading books, spending time with my daughter, friends and family, and working on my business. But I find something missing in my life. I don't want to find another relationship for awhile, I need a BREAK! And I need to work on myself more and make sure I never get with anyone like that again.
I know this could take a few more weeks or even months before it doesn't affect me as much, but I'm up for the challenge. I blocked her on Facebook and phone, so this helps me no check in on her life and I just want to move on. I'm a really good catch, and I could actually have a lot of wonderful girls if I wanted... .the only problem is that something about these sick females attracts me. I'm addicted to the drama or something. Anyways, I'm working with a therapist on it, and now that I found this forum I believe my treatment program has truly begun.
I'm going to treat this with the same intensity and seriousness as when I gave up drugs for good. I'm in my own-made outpatient treatment program for learning to live life happy without my BPD ex. I can do this!
I would love to hear any tips, advice, and other feedback from all of you!
Thanks for reading all of this ramble.