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Author Topic: Broke up with my BPD girlfriend 3 weeks ago and it's HARD.  (Read 371 times)
finchy444
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: September 30, 2015, 01:05:28 PM »

Hello,

My name is finchy444, I'm 36 and I just got out of a 13-month relationship with a BPD 26 year old female. The first 2-3 months were pure bliss. It was Nirvana, and I felt like the luckiest man in the world. She was absolutely beautiful, very seductive, great in bed, and she made me feel like I was her soulmate.

Well, that honeymoon period ended. She started to have intense mood-swings, directing... .no blaming, her negative feelings on me a lot of time, and if it wasn't on me she said her "hormones were off." She would often blame "not eating" or Premenstrual Dysmorphic Disorder (PMDD) when she couldn't manipulate me into thinking I had done something wrong.

I am a VERY STRONG-WILLED person, and I never once backed down. If I knew she was acting out of line, or if I had been awesome... .even though she thought otherwise, I would ALWAYS stand by my conviction. This lead to months and months of 1-6 hour arguments, yelling and screaming at each other, calling names, and I even broke up with her a half-dozen times, only to get back together within days or weeks.

She would always tell me how much she had matured and learned about herself, she would be on her "best behavior," and I would say "well this time we can truly make it work." Like a drug (I actually am an ex-drug addict) I chased that high I was on for a few months straight at the beginning of the relationship.

She wasn't being herself at the beginning, she literally molded herself into the mirror image of what she thought my ideal mate was. She was cunning, deceitful, MANIPULATING, very critical, and I've honestly never met anyone as toxic as her. Yet with her friends and family, she was always on her best behavior. It was only in her close and intimate relationship with me where her BPD traits came out.

Her INTENSE fear of abandonment was very strange to me. She would do anything to avoid being abandoned. Yet the funny (sad) part is, her behavior is the reason I would always threaten (or actually) abandon her. She was 25, then turned 26 right before I left her, but she acted more like a two year old for most of the relationship. We went to counseling, I worked on myself a lot as well because before I was on to her manipulation tactics, she actually had me believing I had an anger problem. It was so pathetic that I even took a few anger management classes and did a workbook!

But the funny (sad) part is, I don't have anger management issues. I do, however, get extremely angry when she manipulates, cons, puts down my values, my beliefs, and does it all with this emotionless way about her. She was soo selfish. Everything was always about her. Whether we were going out to eat, watch a movie, listening to music, or even talking about things, I often found that herself was by far her favorite subject.

She used to cheat on all of her boyfriends (and beat them), abuse drugs and alcohol, and even cut herself (has scars on her arms) back in high school. She has at least 5 (currently) of the specifiers in the DSM to be diagnosed with BPD, yet she says she may have had it in high school, but not at all anymore. She blames all of her actions on PTSD and her dad not being there for her whole life.

Anyways, things got very bad when we finally moved in together, even though she assured me things would get better because she would finally fell comfortable and secure with me if we had a place together. It was the complete opposite. She did all sorts of stuff. My best friend sent her a picture of his d$ck, and begged her for a nudie of her. So she didn't want him to abandon their friendship (her words) so she sent a topless pic to him... .this is when we were broken up but working on getting back together.

Once we got back together and moved out, she started hitting me 3x per week steadily, when in the past she had hit me on the arm or shoulder maybe 4 times in a year. The punches got harder, and she finally punched me in my face. She slammed the door shut a few times, almost pulled all of her hair out, and one night she even went into the kitchen, grabbed a big knife, and I had to prevent her from cutting her wrist.

All of this and I still didn't break up with her, then it happened... .

She was acting totally diabolic and 2-year-oldish, and told me she needed love right away. I was working on something very time-sensitive and critical for my business success, and told her that I was sorry and she would need to just wait 15 minutes then she could have me all day. She couldn't wait, and then poured out the blueberry smoothie I made her all over the brand new carpet in our new apartment living room. She did it while wearing the expensive workout clothes I bought her to workout at the gym with membership I bought her, and I payed all of the bills and for the great majority of the food while she lived there.

In the meantime, she got to go to college, study, and put all of her money from her job towards savings for her Master's program which starts next June. Yes, she wants to be a Marriage and Family Therapist of all things. So what finally did it for me was spilling the smoothie. Something inside of me broke... .it was the last straw, or I was just pissed she got the place messy, and I even told her I would've much rather her punched me.

Why did I stay 10 months longer than I should've? At first I had no idea she had BPD. I thought she was just a complicated and stressed-out person. I thought she would get healthier. I really loved her, because when the times were good (15-20%), they were GOOD. And she was an amazing step mom to my 5 year old daughter, who misses her dearly. Also, very importantly, the sex was better than with anyone I've ever been with. We made tantric love, did the animal sex thing... .whatever, she was young, beautiful and seductive, but had she not been so attractive I would've had a much easier time leaving her.

Which brings me to the present day:

It's been about 3 weeks since I made her move out. We all sat down with my daughter and had a talk so that was good. My daughter misses her but she'll get over it. She only knew her from 4-5, and my ex was only in her life in a step mom role for 6 months. We tried to be friends after breaking up, we even hung out a few times, but we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We were hugging, cuddling, then soon we were kissing. She said she didn't want to have sex unless we were in a relationship. NO!

I stood my ground and said no. So she felt like I used her. Like I was treating her like a wh#re, and other choice words. She totally went off on me in my place, and I told her to leave, so she did, after an hour and me having to hug her and tell her everything was ok.

Anyways, today is day 2 of "no contact" phase. I know without a doubt that she is a horrible match for me or any other man for that matter, and I choose to move on. However, this is easier said than done. Overall, I'm much happier without her, but I guess I was addicted to the sex and the drama! Because I find myself longing for that physical release with her, and that passion we had.

I've been eating healthy, working out, reading books, spending time with my daughter, friends and family, and working on my business. But I find something missing in my life. I don't want to find another relationship for awhile, I need a BREAK! And I need to work on myself more and make sure I never get with anyone like that again.

I know this could take a few more weeks or even months before it doesn't affect me as much, but I'm up for the challenge. I blocked her on Facebook and phone, so this helps me no check in on her life and I just want to move on. I'm a really good catch, and I could actually have a lot of wonderful girls if I wanted... .the only problem is that something about these sick females attracts me. I'm addicted to the drama or something. Anyways, I'm working with a therapist on it, and now that I found this forum I believe my treatment program has truly begun.

I'm going to treat this with the same intensity and seriousness as when I gave up drugs for good. I'm in my own-made outpatient treatment program for learning to live life happy without my BPD ex. I can do this!

I would love to hear any tips, advice, and other feedback from all of you!

Thanks for reading all of this ramble. Smiling (click to insert in post)
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Darsha500
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 168



« Reply #1 on: September 30, 2015, 03:31:52 PM »

Wowee!

I really admire your determination, it is inspiring. From the looks of your post, I would say your definitely on the right track. You seem to have all your bases covered with  how you plan to attend to your self-care needs.

I too feel as though I jumped right on a secure path towards detachment and healing; basically doing all the same things as you. Seeing a therapist, reading books, going to the gym, eating healthier, etc. I feel as though I have been doing my utmost to heal and detach. Which has meant just taking care of myself.

As you say, the detachment process is easier said than done. (I'm in recovery as well, and this has been almost as grueling as getting sober). But its that same determination that can carry us through.

Oh thing I have struggled with though is the nonlinearity of the detachment process. I will hit points where I think, "whew, I'm finally over her," only to find myself crying the next day. Its like this tumultuous sea and all one can do is surf the waves.

Allowing myself to experience all of my emotions has been crucial. Mindfulness has been the key to this. Not pushing my feelings away or drawing them closer. Allowing myself to feel the hole left in my heart with acceptance. Even though my desire is to throw a temper tantrum. Much like resisting the urge to use when faced with negative emotions, and simply sitting through them.

Consistently reflecting on the good that has come from the relationship and even the break up. I constantly reflect on how I have changed for the better as a person, how i have become stronger, and more spiritually mature. Victor Frankl said that we must find meaning in our suffering.

These are just a few insights I have, but I'm sure other members here will have many more.

let me end with the lyrics to a song that inspire me.


I need you to be the strength of widows and soul survivors

i need you to be as fearless as new mothers and new fathers

i need you to be the hope of hearts who lost true love

i need you to be the might of their first kiss

i need a purpose and i need a reason

i need to know that there is trophy and meaning

to all that we lose and all we fight for

to all our loves and our wars

keep breathing

keep living

keep searching

keep pushing on

keep bleeding

keep healing

keep fading

keep shining on

this is for the hearts still beating

-converge
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enlighten me
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 3289



« Reply #2 on: September 30, 2015, 04:32:25 PM »

Hi Finchy

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry youve had to go through this.

Your story is sadly all too familiar. I personally can relate to a lot of what you have written. Its not an over night recovery but by the sounds of it you are heading in the right direction with determination and knowledge.

You may want to have a look at some of the lessons in the leaving board.

I look forward to hearing your progress.
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hopealways
aka moving4ward
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 725


« Reply #3 on: September 30, 2015, 05:08:01 PM »

Welcome to the world of the borderline Finchy. Your story sounds very similar to most of ours.  I know how hard it can be. I am 10 weeks post breakup and am slowly piecing together my life. You should do the same. They never get better, even committed therapy over years will just take an edge off they won't be cured.  This IS an addiction we have, and as with all addictions it takes time to heal. Spend that time learning more about yourself and you will be a much happier person while attracting better women.
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Spartan09
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« Reply #4 on: March 23, 2017, 07:44:10 PM »

From the sound of it, sounds like we dated the same girl... .I'm now going on three weeks, so I'm sure you're way ahead of me. I also started reading books, working out, eating right, and like the other posts, they are addicting because they can make you feel like a king, in what i understand is the idealization period... .and also like you said, that was only 15-20% of the time. I miss her, wish her well but I have to heal!
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Rayban
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 502


« Reply #5 on: March 23, 2017, 09:14:32 PM »

You seem grounded and determined that's a strong foundation to build.  The advice I would give you is put pen to paper and write out what you will do if she contacts you, or comes around to see you.  How would you handle it?

It's not easy. You've over come other obstacles in your life, and you'll be able to get through this aswell. I would also take a few minutes to write down what you are greatfull for.  You have a wonderful daughter. Family and friends that are there for you. You have a new business to poor your passion in. Don't lose track of these things. 



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Confused cloud

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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 6


« Reply #6 on: March 24, 2017, 06:33:14 AM »

Hi Finchy,

I too can empathise with you, so much of what you have said, could have been me with my ex gf.

 We've been split up nearly 2 weeks now, except for a random phone call... .It is tough but stay strong.

I can attest that you are not alone and that the people on these boards are here for you- I'm new here myself, yet they have offered me support and made me feel a whole lot better about the situation, and myself.


Do i miss her? Yes because when she wasn't that person, she could be lovely- but, is she good for me- probably not.

Whatever you do, stay focused on yourself, and things will get easier!

 
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marti644
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« Reply #7 on: March 24, 2017, 08:24:17 AM »

Hi Finchy, welcome to our family.

Really sorry to hear you've been going through this but I just wanted to tell you that your doing great. You know you shouldn't be with her and you need to heal yourself. That's an important step. I am two months NC and I won't pretend it gets easier fast. This takes time. So much time.

The process of feeling angry, sad, unworthy, and elated by freedom from ending a BPD relationship is emotionally and physically exhausting. But the more you address your core issues the better the healing process in my opinion.

Take care of yourself, especially eating and exercise. Those are key.

 More importantly keep feeling! Don't repress your emotions and don't give in to your addictive tendencies. I have an addictive personality and going to those same old poisons only represses the emotions you are feeling now. Stay away from your ex as well. Strict NC has been so useful in my healing process. Has protected me from manipulation and much grief because she can't use her 'new better life' against me.

These are just a few things I have learned in the last few months. Hope they help!

Take care my friend.

Marti644
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sas1729
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« Reply #8 on: March 24, 2017, 12:32:54 PM »

Hi,

It was great to read the positive attitude in your post! It sounds like you went to relationship hell and back a few times, but now your'e determined to stay out of it for good. I read the (rhetorical?) questions near the end of your post and wanted to offer some perspective. It should go without saying that these are just my thoughts and are drawn from my own experience ending a r/s with my ex BPD. But, I hope that they can offer some insight into understanding your own situation.

The biggest thing for me, and something that I suppose I am still embarrassed about (this was 2+ years ago), was wondering "why did I stay in it?" You mentioned some possibilities, such as the sex. I think one aspect of being in a r/s with a BPD person is that just like they may mirror what you want they can also change your identity. This can happen over time, to the point that being with that person is your identity. You partly miss the fighting, the "passion", because that was your existence. As they say, sometimes the silence is deafening. When I broke up I quickly realised that I was facing a lack of identity. I had lost my personality over the course of the relationship. And so perhaps missing being with your ex may be partially missing your "identity".

It took a while for me to find myself again. I had changed for the better, but that slow process of rediscovering who I am was the growing edge for overcoming feelings about the past. It sounds like you've begun to do this, and that is the best thing that you can do for yourself - treat yourself.

Good luck!
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allienoah
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Posts: 268


« Reply #9 on: March 24, 2017, 12:52:51 PM »

Hi,

It was great to read the positive attitude in your post! It sounds like you went to relationship hell and back a few times, but now your'e determined to stay out of it for good. I read the (rhetorical?) questions near the end of your post and wanted to offer some perspective. It should go without saying that these are just my thoughts and are drawn from my own experience ending a r/s with my ex BPD. But, I hope that they can offer some insight into understanding your own situation.

The biggest thing for me, and something that I suppose I am still embarrassed about (this was 2+ years ago), was wondering "why did I stay in it?" You mentioned some possibilities, such as the sex. I think one aspect of being in a r/s with a BPD person is that just like they may mirror what you want they can also change your identity. This can happen over time, to the point that being with that person is your identity. You partly miss the fighting, the "passion", because that was your existence. As they say, sometimes the silence is deafening. When I broke up I quickly realised that I was facing a lack of identity. I had lost my personality over the course of the relationship. And so perhaps missing being with your ex may be partially missing your "identity".

It took a while for me to find myself again. I had changed for the better, but that slow process of rediscovering who I am was the growing edge for overcoming feelings about the past. It sounds like you've begun to do this, and that is the best thing that you can do for yourself - treat yourself.

Good luck!



Wow-that struck such a nerve with me! My existence has been all about my bfwBPD and the rollercoaster drama that he brought. I was never prone to drama at all, yet it seems a day doesn't go by without it, I am hyper vigilant and always on edge. And the silence when we break up? It seems unbearable, like I have a giant hole in my being. To look from the outside, everyone I am close with tells me I bear too much pain/drama/exhaustion in this r/s. Logically I agree, but I am codependent on it and trying to build up my self esteem so I can take less and less of this and get control back of my life. I have started to treat myself better, eating well, exercise, I see my friends-the ones he likes-very frequently. I have been reading a great deal on this disorder and see that he meets at least 75% of the criteria. I just wish I could stop second-guessing myself over situations we have fought about. I am a good person who never intentionally tries to hurt someone, and when called out if I do, I apologize immediately. It's just that he says I always hurt him.
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