Going home for Thanksgiving...help

[Zabava]

Hi all,

Just let me start by saying how inspired I am by all of you in this community. I learn so much about resilience and strength from everyone here;  sometimes I feel bad sharing my experience because I see so many others here who have had so much worse experiences.

And yet, here I go;  I am going back home for Thanksgiving this weekend.  I am going with my husband and kids and we are staying in a hotel.  As I've posted before my ubpd mum and sister get very offended by me setting boundaries.  I am feeling positive about this trip in my head, but my body is Freaking Out!  I have insomnia, indigestion, fatigue, acne, headaches, nausea.

I feel like there is a disconnect between my emotions and my physical reactions. I think it has to with trauma from abuse, but I can't quite connect the dots.  Any insight would be appreciated.

[Harri]

Hi Zab!

I am going back home for Thanksgiving this weekend.  I am going with my husband and kids and we are staying in a hotel.  As I've posted before my ubpd mum and sister get very offended by me setting boundaries.  I am feeling positive about this trip in my head, but my body is Freaking Out!  I have insomnia, indigestion, fatigue, acne, headaches, nausea.

Whew, I am relieved to hear you are not going alone and that you are staying in a hotel!   That is excellent.  Is that new for you?

I am feeling positive about this trip in my head, but my body is Freaking Out!  I have insomnia, indigestion, fatigue, acne, headaches, nausea.

I find that my mind can be very logical and totally be a mess emotionally.  Sounds like you are experiencing anxiety.  That makes sense given the history.

I suggest you do not feed the anxiety or fear.  If you are telling yourself things like I am out of control, I can't handle this, etc.  Stop!  Those are self-defeating and serve no purpose for you and are wholly untrue.  You can handle the visit and the anxiety you have already proven that time and again.  You have tools and knowledge you did not have before when you went to visit.  it will take time and practice to work through reacting differently but you can and will do it.  Put a positive spin on things without denying that you are feeling anxious.

Anxiety feels horrible I know.  It won't kill you though.  Don't feed it with self defeating thoughts and talk. 

I know that does not sound sympathetic though I can sympathize with you.  I get it.  Don't defeat yourself before you even get there.

What positive things can you say to yourself?

I've got this is one.  What else?

[Zabava]

Hi Harri,

I took your advice and tried to stop anticipating the worst.  And yes staying in a hotel is new for me.  

I have to say that not staying with my sister made all the difference.  My kids enjoyed being tourists in my home city and I enjoyed my time with my sister.

At the same time my kids asked a lot of questions about my teenage years and why I moved away.  I don't know how much to tell them.  

I felt happy and sad to be home.  I miss my city but there are sk many bad memories and ghosts there.

I was so very sad there as a teenager.  From about the age of 13 till I left home for good at 19 I was a trainwreck.  Sad, scared, drunk, high, life of the party one minute and weeping in the corner the  next.   It was a terrible time in my life. 

I want to let it go.

[Harri]

Good for you with the trip Zab!  I am glad you and your kids we able to enjoy it.

Going back can be so hard especially when you are already feeling so raw.   

At the same time my kids asked a lot of questions about my teenage years and why I moved away.  I don't know how much to tell them.

I would not get into details with them.  What did you say to them?  Did you move for school?  A job?  Opportunity?

From about the age of 13 till I left home for good at 19 I was a trainwreck.  Sad, scared, drunk, high, life of the party one minute and weeping in the corner the  next.   It was a terrible time in my life.

Zab, there is a lot of shame here isn't there?  Those may not have been the healthiest ways to cope and okay maybe some of them were less than stellar , but they helped you cope and kept you alive and I for one would be happy to meet that girl and tell her she did what she did to get through impossible situations and she did what she knew.  That I am glad she survived and I am sorry she did not have better adults around her to guide and support her and give her the love she is worthy of.

I want to let it go.

What does 'let it go' mean here?

 

[Zabava]

Hi Harri,

Yes Harri, there is a lot of shame.  I moved away because I got accepted into a university 500km away and my parents wanted me to go to get me out of the house and because it was a good opportunity for me.

I met my husband at school and decided to stay because home was full of bad memories.

Back to the shame, I have very intense feelings of shame about my teenage years.  I know I behaved the way I did to numb my psychological pain, but in the process I created more for myself.

The substance abuse allowed me to not care what happened to me, but unfortunately it made me numb.

On the outside I was a free spirit, but inside I was just sad.  I did a lot of things I regret.

To let go of it would  mean lifting the burden of shame and guilt.

Thank you so much for caring and sticking with me

[Harri]

 

I find when it comes to sharing about my past decisions, action, etc with people who I choose not to share details with that editing is important.  Sometimes careful editing and creative use of language.  So with your kids I would edit as follows:

I moved away because I got accepted into a university 500km away and my parents wanted me to go to get me out of the house and because it was a good opportunity for me.

 

I have very intense feelings of shame about my teenage years.  I know I behaved the way I did to numb my psychological pain, but in the process I created more for myself.

I did the same Zab.  I think a lot of us did.  I do not say that to minimize, rather to let you know you are not alone in this and I think in a way it is a common reaction to the insanity of our lives.  You are looking back on your younger self and the decisions you made then based on knowledge and wisdom you have now and that is not fair to you nor is it very realistic.   Could you have made different choices?  Sure.  We all could have.  Would they have been 'better'?  No way of knowing for sure however I would bet money on the answer being NO to that.  Having regrets is okay as they can help us see the flaws in our thinking and help us forge a path to new ways.  Use those regrets as a way to move forward and honor yourself rather than a means to stay stagnant and beat yourself up.

Doing the above is a choice Zab.  It is not going to happen by just thinking about and reading about healing.  Healing is not passive.  Healing is an active process where we have to consciously choose to change our thoughts and take new actions regardless of what our feelings may be telling us.  You feel shame?  Okay, work on changing it and losing it.  How do you do that?  By shining light on it, bringing it out in the open and talking about it with *safe* people.  I don't mean talk about the shame though. Talk about the incidents the shame surrounds. 

You feel regrets and wish you made different choices?  Okay, fair enough.  The fact is you can't go back and change the past, so you can accept it, and sometimes you have to accept it over and over, and make better choices because you are not who you were.  Don't condemn yourself for choices you made when you knew no better and were in survival mode.  Learn better ways to cope.   

To let go of it would mean lifting the burden of shame and guilt.

Yes.  What is holding you back on this?  Can you think of a way to start on letting go of the shame and guilt?

Thank you so much for caring and sticking with me

        Zab, my wish for you is that you would see yourself and the choices you made the way I see you. 

[Zabava]

Thanks Harri,

I don't know how to let go of the shame yet.  I feel like my trip home opened the door to some grieving I haven't done yet.  

I get what you're saying about healing as an active process.  I am trying to keep to a routine and minimize stress.  As I've mentioned before I experienced some delusional thoughts in the past.  After this trip I had a break with reality, even though my time with family was positive.  I'm not sure why and I'm really shaken by it.  My therapist warned me that I should take a mental break and ask my husband to take over the kids for a few hours after I got home, but I didn't.

I'm realizing that I have to be vigilant and take care of my mind. I have to accept that I will always be vulnerable to mental illness and structure my life accordingly.  I hate it and I wish I was sane.

[Harri]

 

I feel like my trip home opened the door to some grieving I haven't done yet.

  Okay, so feel free to roll your eyes at me but (!) this is a good thing!  It is an opportunity to begin to heal more and learn and grow... right? 

As I've mentioned before I experienced some delusional thoughts in the past.  After this trip I had a break with reality, even though my time with family was positive.  I'm not sure why and I'm really shaken by it.

  How about sharing more about this?  Only if you want to that is.   

My therapist warned me that I should take a mental break and ask my husband to take over the kids for a few hours after I got home, but I didn't.

Okay, so you now know you need to do so and like you said you need to be more vigilant. 

I'm realizing that I have to be vigilant and take care of my mind. I have to accept that I will always be vulnerable to mental illness and structure my life accordingly.

Excellent work here with acceptance.   

I hate it and I wish I was sane.

You don't have to like it Zab.   I am wondering what your T says to you when you say things like "I wish I were sane".  Does she accept your use of the word sane?  I assume you mean that you think you have moments of insanity.  Is that how she classifies what you call your breaks with reality?

[Zabava]

Harri you have given me a lot to think about, as always. 

You are right  I do think that I am starting to grieve this time in my life.  And yes, I have accepted that I will always be vulnerable to depression, anxiety and psychosis if I don't take care of myself.

My break from reality happened late at night.  I woke up in the middle of the night convinced I had had an out of body experience and flown/astral projected to another place in my dreams.  I even texted a friend to tell them about it. 

When I woke up the next day I had no memory of the whole episode until I saw a reply to my text from the night before asking if I was OK.

My T says that delusions are our brain's way of protecting us from the unbearable. She says that when memories and the feelings associated with them threaten our sense of self the mind dissacociates.

I think this is what happened to me.

[Zabava]

Just an update on the weirdness... not sure if it was just my brain processing or more delusional/psychotic thinking.

I had a very strange and intense dream last night.  I was in a new house in a different town with my dad. I was a teenager in my dream and my parents were divorced (which never happened in real life)   The house was by the water and very open and comfortable.  In my dream, I was thinking about starting over in a new place ang going to college in this beautiful new town, but then I remembered I was 51.

Then I panicked because I had abandoned my kids and job and started packing.  In the closets I found my clothes that I had donated.n They blocked my exit.

Later in the dream I was hiding and scared because I didn't remember who or where I was.  I found a note in my pocket with a name but I wasn't sure it was mine.

I think it means I got stuck at adolescence and I am scared of losing my mind.

Any insights would help.

Turkish, any thoughts?

[Turkish]

I would agree with your T. Our unconscious mind does the work oor conscious minds don't have time for because we deal with the here and now. 

When you say this:

delusional/psychotic thinking

Your conscious mind, the You of which you are aware, is being too hard on yourself.  The subconscious You is trying to work out your struggles which is normal and healthy, even though the conscious You is unaware, except maybe sending signals by dreams remembered. 

[Harri]

Zab, does your T use terms like delusions and psychotic breaks when talking about this stuff? 

[Zabava]

Harri and Turkish,

Thanks for listening. Harri, she talks about disassociation.  When I first sought treatment at the psych ward of my local hospital, I was told I met the criteria for depression with psychotic features.

I told my T about this when I met her the first time and have talked to her about subsequent episodes.

I label myself as psychotic because I  think this is my biggest fear; losing my sense of self and disconnecting from reality.  I believe my dream was a reflection of my fears.  

Turkish, you have articulated what  I have been feeling. A lot of the time I feel ok, I go about my day, look after my kids and go to work and feel great about supporting children at school.  But when I am triggered I feel like another self takes over.

I've found a helpful resource: Healing the Fragmented Selves of Trauma Survivors by Janina Fisher.

Her theory is that we split off parts of ourselves to survive and sometimes we become fragmented as individuals.  Healing involves integrating the traumatized parts of ourselves with our adult, rational selves.

After my trip home I feel overwhelming sadness and shame for the 17 year old self who let herself be mistreated because she was so desperate for love.  I am trying to feel compassion for her, while managing the intense feeling memories from the time of 17 to 21 ish. 

I was desperately sad during these years and I tried to deal with the pain by partying and hooking up.  Sadly, it just gave me more trauma to deal with.  Every time I try to process this time or am triggered by reminders of it, I lose my grip.

I feel really sad and scared right now. 

[Zabava]

 

I need help.

[Four Winds]

Zabava - sending you much courage and strength.  Know that you have come a long way and that you will survive this.  Remind yourself that you have your own family now and they need you.  Be strong and be happy.

[Zabava]

Thanks FourWinds.

[Harri]

What's happening Zab? 

[Zabava]

I'm feeling overwheimed.

[Harri]

Okay.  Can you do something that will relax you?  Go for a walk (not sure of the time there?), play soothing music, do breathing exercises, color?  If you want to talk more, that is good too.  I will be on for a bit more.   

[Zabava]

I'm just so frustrated went home wewith myself.  I lwas doing better, feeling hopeful and then I went home and i am crazy again.

[Harri]

I hear you.  I know how frustrating it can be when it seems like we have taken steps backward.  Feeling like that is awful.  The thing is, yes, it is hard, and it is a signal we have more work to do.  That's all it is, not that you are crazy.  Your not losing your mind Zab.  You're finding it.

You are not crazy.  You are getting better and working hard to do so.  Focus on that and break those self defeating thoughts and change the words you use when talking about this.  Why use the word crazy?  It only serves to kick yourself when you are already down.  Why use psychosis when dissociation describes what is happening even better?

Can you focus on those things with me?

[Zabava]

Hi Harri,

It'ts been a hard few days.  I have cried some tears and felt very low, but I have decided it's time I stop torturing myself.

I saw my T. and shared my fears of losing touch with reality.  She gave me a reality check and challenged my use of "psychotic breaks" She has asked me to try to think about letting go of shame, while recognizing guilt as a sign of me violating my values.

I have started to feel my younger self emotionally and it is very painfiul. Especially right now my 17 year old self.   I have realized (I think) my panic attacks and feelings of dread are a limbic/emotional memory of terror in my childhood.  Today I had a vivid flashback/body memory of hearing my mother's footsteps on the stairs and being terrified in my room.  I was able to use what I learned from the 13 steps to calm little me.

 I know it's a small step but it feels like progress.

[Turkish]

My T said something similar: "not everything needs to be pathologized." I was trying to Dx myself as codependent. 

[Harri]

Hi Zab.  Hard days suck for sure.   

I have decided it's time I stop torturing myself.

Yes!   

I saw my T. and shared my fears of losing touch with reality.

  Had you ever talked with her about that before?

She gave me a reality check and challenged my use of "psychotic breaks" She has asked me to try to think about letting go of shame, while recognizing guilt as a sign of me violating my values.

Good.  I've been wondering about that term as what happens sounds like dissociation to me which is very different than psychosis. 

It is interesting what she said about recognizing guilt as a sign that you are violating your values. 

I have started to feel my younger self emotionally and it is very painful. Especially right now my 17 year old self.   I have realized (I think) my panic attacks and feelings of dread are a limbic/emotional memory of terror in my childhood.

We have a couple of people working on this right now and so many of us have been or are still going through this so I am glad you are talking about it.  It is hard and can be confusing so talk with us here and keep using the tools you have learned like the 13 steps.   

I was able to use what I learned from the 13 steps to calm little me.

This is fantastic.    Remember this success and build on it!  Write it down on a slip of paper and start a success box or jar (bowl?) where when you feel like you are not capable you have something to look back at. 
 

I know it's a small step but it feels like progress.

I think this is a huge step Zab.  It is progress and you have been making progress right along even though it may not feel like it.

I think changing the words you use is a huge step and will make a difference.  The words we use can fuel our emotions and fears and can be self-defeating.  The words we use are important so be mindful of them.

Turkish, I like this: "not everything needs to be pathologized."   So true.

good work Zab!   

[Zabava]

Hi Harri,

 Thanks for listening and encouraging.