Can anyone share practical steps to healing?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Really battling to let go COMPLETELY. Most people here post with such strength and come across so recovered.

I've read all the cliches like "time will heal" (I don't underestimate that at all) and "living well is the best revenge" but I would like to read some practical steps that any of you have carried through to have brought you out stronger.

I intend on seeing a T soon, that's my first practical step I guess.

Thanks.

[Chrisbazsky77]

Really battling to let go COMPLETELY. Most people here post with such strength and come across so recovered.

I've read all the cliches like "time will heal" (I don't underestimate that at all) and "living well is the best revenge" but I would like to read some practical steps that any of you have carried through to have brought you out stronger.

I intend on seeing a T soon, that's my first practical step I guess.

Thanks.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Chris-

Here's a few:

If the relationship is over, don't communicate with your ex in any way; make them part of the past, not the future.

Eat a light, clean diet of quality food, and don't use food as comfort.

Drink a lot of water.

Get some daily exercise, but not too much.

Go light on the booze and caffeine.

Sleep enough, or if you can't sleep, at least rest.

Consciously shift your focus from your ex to you.

Develop a vision for a bright future, and consciously focus on that vision instead of the past.

Take steps towards attainment of that vision, the life of your dreams, one step at a time, one day at a time, which builds momentum when you notice progress, and that momentum makes the past fade.

Reduce stress in your life.

Surround yourself with people who love you or at least care about you.  Remove ones who don't.

All practical things you can do now, today, to take control of your life and your destiny, and your heart will follow.  Take care of you!

[myself]

A good therapist can really help ground you in yourself again.

Meditation, introspection, journaling... .Face and feel your feelings.

Be physical when you can. Get extra rest when you can.

Do the things you like to do. Hobbies, camping, whatever.

Accept that that was then and this is now. Life changes.

The scars we have from this can also be seen as growth spurts.

[Gonzalo]

One thing that was very useful to me is to pay attention to what makes you feel good without your ex- and what you don't experience anymore now that she's gone. Making sure that you focus on and pay attention to positives in your life is a good technique for dealing with depression in general, and reminding yourself what the bad parts of the relationship were really like helps you stay detached, and the lack of a bad thing is also a good thing. I make it a point to really notice these events and sometimes to tell them to the friends who have the full story, and it helps me a lot. Like last night my girlfriend sent me a text, I didn't respond for an hour or so, and my phone was silent after that. My ex- experience told me that she was furious and going to explode over me ignoring her, but in actuality she had just gone on to sleep and was happy to catch the response in the morning.

[Suzn]

"living well is the best revenge"

Spite can be a motivator for sure. "Living well" is for you because you are worth it. If our thought of living well is revenge, we are not actually healing. We are burying hurt right under our skin with the thoughts it will not resurface.

"time will heal" (I don't underestimate that at all)

Time alone does not heal, it can however give you objectivity so you can work on healing. Think back to your first love, can you now look at that relationship without that deeper emotional connection you had then, today? If we hold on to anger/hurt from a past relationship we are still attached and emotionally unavailable for a future relationship. It's easier to be able to step back and examine what happened in our relationships when we've given ourselves some time for initial grieving to happen.

Taking care of your body, as others have suggested, helps us think more clearly once the strong emotions have subsided a bit. My T has compared this to having the flu. If you are depleted you can't think straight or function normally so what do you do when you have the flu? We go back to basics, you rest and provide your body with the essentials to heal. The addition of a T can really help in this process and it's one of the best things we can do for self care.  

[rblrdr]

I started back at the gym during the last two months with my BPDex. I kept the routine. I cleaned up my diet to. One year later and I look 10 years younger and I feel like a million $$$.

I took meditation classes and found a local charity where I help out one Saturday a month.

Overheard some co-workers talking about going dancing. I asked if I could come along next time (I hadn't danced in years) they said yes, and I did.

I reached out to people, and asked what they did with themselves and I learned that I needed a fuller life.

I did a lot of self examination; how can I improve my ... .self confidence, assertiveness, level of day to day happiness etc.

I learned a great deal about myself from my relationship with BPDex. And I used it all to my benefit.

Your experience with a BPD is nothing but a bridge to a better life. You just have to be brave enough to detach and cross it.

[blissful_camper]

Be a pal to a horse.  Volunteer at a horse rescue organization, or find a therapeutic horse organization. Groom, tack, feed, clean stalls, walk, ride, and care for a horse.  Interacting with horses clears one's mind.  Horses mirror our emotions. As you bond with one the experience is healing.  Working with large animals builds confidence and a sense of wellness that carries over to other areas of life.  It's an amazing experience.  I highly recommend it. 

[once removed]

i can think of very little that hasnt already been said.

on the subject of hobbies, finding new ones that perhaps youve never tried, or always wanted to try, can really help restore self confidence. digging into your current hobbies is great, although sometimes depression can get in the way of them, you can form negative associations with some, etc.

supplements were very, very useful for me. herbal teas can be useful.

there is of course, the five stages of detachment directly to the right. reading through them is a very practical step. youll very much be setting your path, even if you cant see it right now.

as mentioned, volunteer work is a wonderful suggestion, and can also impact self worth.

anything that is going to objectively better you and your life is a proactive, practical step  

edit: oh yeah. new friends too!

[Chrisbazsky77]

 

I mentioned to someone earlier that I come here in my weak moments to devour the positive posts and boy am I greedy right now after reading all of your responses!

Amazing how the simplest things like diet and excerise can be overlooked as key steps to feeling better!

I did lose interest in the things that made ME happy... .I was radical and spontaneous! I used to stage sing(paid performances) for special events, give kids/adults vocal training when before I met him, I used to love architecture, seafood(he was allergic), riding ALL of the scary rides at the funfair.

You guys are right... .I need ME back.

I totally agree with helping others when I'm feeling down. Giving off my time to people that are really deserving sounds like a great way to re-connect with my passions.

I am definately going to soak in the links provided and print out the 5 steps to detach.

Thanks for the reminder to remember the good moments when he wasn't even in my life and how it made it feel.

Thank you all for sharing!

[SummerStorm]

I did lose interest in the things that made ME happy... .I was radical and spontaneous! I used to stage sing(paid performances) for special events, give kids/adults vocal training when before I met him, I used to love architecture, seafood(he was allergic), riding ALL of the scary rides at the funfair.

You guys are right... .I need ME back.

It sounds like you are definitely on the path to understanding and healing.  I can relate to what you said about needing to get you back.  I completely lost myself in my pwBPD.  I stopped running as often as I used to.  I rarely played my guitar.  I stopped taking pictures.  I completely stopped caring about my flower garden and vegetable garden.  I stopped watching TV shows I liked.  I stopped reading.  Even my job, which I love so very much, was something that I started to neglect.

Instead of doing things I loved, I sat around texting her, comforting her, apologizing to her, watching DVDs with her, driving her around all over the place, changing plans to fit her ever changing schedule.  And when I did make plans with someone else and tried to have fun, it was clouded by her texting me with some crisis and making me worry all day.

My advice is to not jump into everything all at once.  Start slowly and build from there.  I joined several local Meetup groups, but I've only committed to a few meetings so far.  As time goes on, I will add more.

Slowly, I've started to get back into what I love.  I went for a hike at a local park.  I went to the zoo with my mom.  In the next few weeks, I'm going to some soccer games and a basketball game.  I bought a new memory card for my camera and have taken almost 200 pictures over the past three days.

And most importantly, I resumed my search for a house (in May, my pwBPD told me she wanted to live with me and looked at a house with me two days before she pushed me away again) and found one.  Now, I'm looking forward to moving, adopting some cats from the local shelter, and meeting my new students in August and falling back in love with my job. 

[Infern0]

The healing really began for me when i took the spotlight off my ex and took a good look at myself.

I was codependent, I was relying on my ex to make me feel like i had worth, I didn't have a life or a purpose i was happy with, she was basically all I had, and while i loved her it wasn't healthy. Losing her had predictable effects on my mentality.

After this I began to figure out what I wanted to do with my life and begin to build up self esteem and just be happy with me.

Since then i've had a lot of interaction with her, and not all of it positive but i've survived it all and been happy with myself and not taken things too hard.

90% of the problems people on this site have are internal, you have to look at YOU, you have no control over what your BPD did or does.

[Loosestrife]

I did lose interest in the things that made ME happy... .I was radical and spontaneous! I used to stage sing(paid performances) for special events, give kids/adults vocal training when before I met him, I used to love architecture, seafood(he was allergic), riding ALL of the scary rides at the funfair.

You guys are right... .I need ME back.

It sounds like you are definitely on the path to understanding and healing.  I can relate to what you said about needing to get you back.  I completely lost myself in my pwBPD.  I stopped running as often as I used to.  I rarely played my guitar.  I stopped taking pictures.  I completely stopped caring about my flower garden and vegetable garden.  I stopped watching TV shows I liked.  I stopped reading.  Even my job, which I love so very much, was something that I started to neglect.

Instead of doing things I loved, I sat around texting her, comforting her, apologizing to her, watching DVDs with her, driving her around all over the place, changing plans to fit her ever changing schedule.  And when I did make plans with someone else and tried to have fun, it was clouded by her texting me with some crisis and making me worry all day.

My advice is to not jump into everything all at once.  Start slowly and build from there.  I joined several local Meetup groups, but I've only committed to a few meetings so far.  As time goes on, I will add more.

Slowly, I've started to get back into what I love.  I went for a hike at a local park.  I went to the zoo with my mom.  In the next few weeks, I'm going to some soccer games and a basketball game.  I bought a new memory card for my camera and have taken almost 200 pictures over the past three days.

And most importantly, I resumed my search for a house (in May, my pwBPD told me she wanted to live with me and looked at a house with me two days before she pushed me away again) and found one.  Now, I'm looking forward to moving, adopting some cats from the local shelter, and meeting my new students in August and falling back in love with my job. 

Thanks for this, it has really helped me see some things in myself 

[Bassoutcast]

Some tips I found useful:

1)No contact is often the best contact. if you haven't been cut out completely like I was, it's best to cease all forms of non-obligatory contact, and to keep obligatory contact (work, kids, etc) straightly professional and as low as possible.

2)Find yourself again. One of the best things about a BPD breakup is that it crushes your self-confidence to a pulp and leaves you an empty shell of your former self. Why is that good, you ask? you get to re-discover yourself, rebuild your self confidence and make a stronger, better version of yourself that otherwise would never have been possible.

3)Have a full-day schedule. One of the things that really helped me with the detachment process is getting a new & fun job, regaining interest in my hobbies, getting in touch with friends I've neglected when I was in a r/s. Having your hands full all the time really helps you forget the past and focus on the present.

4)Putting the focus on YOU. A BPD is drawn to people who have a character flaw, one way or the other. You need to figure out what was it about YOU that drew your ex in, and what can you do in order to make this your last encounter with BPD? it's often childhood trauma or the way we were raised that gives us the "caretaker" characteristics that pwBPD crave - look deep into your past and figure out why you developed such a nurturing, selfless nature. Face it, accept it and control it.

5)Surprisingly - less time on bpdfamily can actually help in some way. Being here too often is a constant reminder of your oh-so bright past with your ex. Bury the hatchet and make your visits less frequent, at least until you are healthy enough to make your own contribution and help those in need - thus maintaining the everlasting cycle of emotional help on the board.

Good luck  

Oh, and of course - we're all here for you  

[Loosestrife]

This is the post I have found most helpful in all my time on BPD family so I thought I'd bump it back to the top. I've taken the horse idea and I am going to a local stables next weekend to discuss becoming  a volunteer and learn how to look after horses. Thank you   

[SummerStorm]

I agree that this is a very helpful thread, so I will give it an extra bump.

As I've gotten further into the healing process, I've also decided to take back control of some things and to eliminate the triggering effect that they have.  This can be a difficult process, but it's an important one.  My exBPD and I had this goofy inside joke about waffles.  I even drew her a picture once of waffles and my favorite animal, the okapi.  Taking back my love of the okapi wasn't difficult, as she and I never went to a zoo together (she wanted to, but it never worked out).  The waffles were hard, though.  But one day, I went to the grocery store and bought a box because I freaking like waffles and she can't control my love of waffles.  I know this sounds goofy, but this is just one example, and it's meant to be humorous.

Seriously, though, there were all kinds of things that reminded me of her.  She hates grocery shopping and I love it, and she always told me that she couldn't wait for us to live together, so I could do the grocery shopping.  For weeks after she went NC, I hated going to the grocery store.  I would think about the pictures I sent her of weird foods and the muffins I'd buy when she stayed over at my house.  But the other day, I decided that enough is enough.  I put in my ear buds, cranked Taylor Swift's 1989, and did my grocery shopping.  Even listening to Taylor Swift was huge because my exBPD loved that album.  If you want a clear picture of my exBPD, listen to the song "Blank Space."  It's basically her life story. 

Other things I've "taken back" include popcorn (she ate it all the time, and I bought two boxes of it to keep at my house for when she came over) and Angry Orchard hard cider (we drank it together).

Things I still need to take back are Doctor Who (she loves it even more than I do), Harry Potter (we both joined Pottermore around the same time), Lost Girl (we watched it whenever she came over), Twilight (we watched the last two movies the first night we had sex), philosophy (her favorite subject and something I used to enjoy studying), Romeo and Juliet (the play I was teaching when everything got complicated between us), and various songs that remind me of her.  Ellie Goulding's "Love Me Like You Do" is a tough one because it was playing in her car when she left my house the night I first realized that she felt something for me.  And of course, going back to work is going to be tough because pretty much the entire school year revolved around her last year and because we spent so much time talking in my classroom.  I also won't be putting pictures and poems she made for me on my board, so that will be difficult. 

As a side note, I went to my first book club meeting last week and met a woman who's married to a man with BPD.  She's also a teacher.  They're currently separated, and he refuses to sign the divorce papers.  Makes me realize how much of my life I could have lost. 

[greenmonkey]

My main thing for my recovery and healing has been taking up cycling. I started first off as she was apparently an 'expert cyclist' etc which proved to be yet another great story of hers. My daughter came back from uni and we both bought bikes so we started cycling every day 5-10 miles. It was great to get the serotonins goings and ease the stress.

I look after my health first and foremost and believe you only live once so be happy.

Fast forward a year later, I am now cycling 30-40 miles a day, raising money for charities and I have lost nearly 4 stone. Without that release I would be still stuck in that abusive relationship and being controlled. My daughter and I still cycle together and it has brought us closer - I know she was jealous of my close relationship with my daughter.

I have also taken back ownership of my life in its entirety - she tried to destroy my life and me. I did the disappearing act and moved a few hundred miles away due to stalking and harassment. I have been promoted to management now at work, I am focused on me and my family and putting myself first - something I failed to do.

I am now nearly 8 months down the road and my mental health is 1000x better as am I.

If you put yourself first, get some exercise and get rid of the demons that haunt you from the relationship by facing them life gets so much easier. I don't get triggered on songs, music TV, me and my daughter can laugh about her behaviour and are amazed we tolerated it for so long.

I dodged a very big bullett and I know it but I have come out a lot wiser, a lot stronger and regained my life

[blissful_camper]

This is the post I have found most helpful in all my time on BPD family so I thought I'd bump it back to the top. I've taken the horse idea and I am going to a local stables next weekend to discuss becoming  a volunteer and learn how to look after horses. Thank you   

Yippee!  I'm so happy to hear that you're volunteering at a stable!  The horses will love calling you a friend.  

Working with horses has changed my life.  I look forward to hearing an update on your experiences at the stable.  

[blissful_camper]

This is the post I have found most helpful in all my time on BPD family so I thought I'd bump it back to the top. I've taken the horse idea and I am going to a local stables next weekend to discuss becoming  a volunteer and learn how to look after horses. Thank you    

Yippee!  I'm so happy to hear that you're volunteering at a stable!  The horses will love calling you a friend.  

Working with horses has changed my life.  I look forward to hearing an update on your experiences at the stable.  

You may find these links of interest:  

Cloud's Legacy- The Wild Stallion Returns:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S6eLLhwzr4A

Wild Horse, Wild Ride:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cCBdfJMvLso (Full length available streaming on Netflix)

Klaus Hempfling (Trainer located in Denmark): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_NnFauhYSU   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IBbtTGb8soM

Un-branded Trailer:  https://vimeo.com/118964179

[Loosestrife]

Thanks Bliss... .this couldn't have come at a more needed time 

[maric]

Apart from dettaching, possibly many are fighting depression or a depressive episode too. I have been living with depression since I'm 13 – I'm now 34.

1. If possible, go to a therapist. It will help you put things in perspective and make you more concious of your patterns and habits. It will help you heal and KEEP the healing process.

2. Sleep well, eat healthy and EXERCISE. If you don't like going to the gym, walk or ride a bike. (Exercising really really helps.)

3. Stick to a routine, specially in the morning, and even more on weekends. DON'T STAY IN BED RUMINATING. This is giving up to the depression. Start with baby steps if needed: wake up, brush your teeth, drink water, eat something healthy and ONLY THEN check emails, facebook etc.

4. Reach out to friends and family. But also, if you don't have the habit, learn to be alone and in peace. Meditate 10 minutes a day (this makes wonder after some months... .it really change things in your brain, neurologically). A nice website to start is www.headspace.com

5. Have a hobby, or at start a new one. Learn something new. Go to a community center and start a course. It will help your self-steem and you are going to meet new people.

6. Listen to dr. Fred Luskin talks on youtube. He has some great stuff about forgiving and healing.

7. Repeat to yourself a million times: it's a phase, and as everything in life, someday it will fade too. Exercise your patience.


 

[gomez_addams]

So my stbx (really, really soon!) uBPDw moved out of state (with divorce papers signed and filed) at the end of June, and I moved back into the rental home.

Since then I've focused on:

- Being physically healthy: quality and quantity of sleep, eating right, and exercise four or five times a week, even if that's walking.

- Being financially healthy: setting goals to save money, rebuilding a budget from scratch, and focusing on what I "can do" to change my financial situation (rather than focusing on the past that can't be changed).

- Being mentally healthy: I can control (to an extent) my thoughts and my actions.  So they get as much of my energy and attention as humanly possible.  I cannot control much else in life, so they get as little attention/worry/energy as possible.  I try to focus on action (what is the next correct thing I could be doing) rather than obsessing on the trainwreck of a marriage that is coming to a close.

I have a T that understands PDs.  I have a spiritual program (not going to tell you what to do in this area, but I believe everyone should have some sort of spiritual program in their lives).

I won't be healed overnight.  And some scars will remain long after the pain is gone.  However, I try to keep things in perspective: my best friend died this past month, leaving behind an amazing wife.  Would I trade places with him?  He's dead.  I'm divorcing a less-than-stellar wife, but have much to look forward to.  So I quit the "poor me" BS and find something productive to do.

Gomez

[blissful_camper]

Something else that helped me (this may sound goofy) was saying reassuring, positive things to myself, aloud. I'd not done that before. I started doing this when I was really down or feeling anxious after the b/u.  I'd start my mornings saying "I'm proud of you, Bliss." And, "You're doing great Bliss, you'll get through this."  Or, "I believe in you, Bliss." I truly started feeling stronger once I committed to verbally reinforcing myself every day. Keeping it positive as much as I could at that time, and making an effort to balance the sadness I felt turned out to be an important tool in moving me forward.

[iluminati]

Being that I'm a couple of years out, I can reflect on how I got here.  Heck, I still feel humbled about all that's happened since.  Therapy is definitely a concrete step.  You don't leave a relationship like that without some sort of damage, and you need help picking through the wreckage. 

Another concrete step is to develop interests.  So many people either stop their interests or have it made impractical to fully follow through on their hopes and dreams during these relationships.  They're good in and of themselves and because it'll allow you to redevelop your social network.  I know it was initially hard because I kept hearing that voice in my ear that I wasn't good enough to do anything, but it definitely helps.

Also, make a point to reconnect with your friends.  People with BPD make an effort to distance us from our friends out of an extreme insecurity.  The belief is that if you have any friends besides them, they'll be abandoned the first time they blink funny.  Make amends for any damage in the relationship and move on going forward.

Most importantly, breathe.  It's all over now.