BPD Girlfriend's family of enablers

[davey]

Hello,

   I'll try to keep this short, in introduction, realizing that my audience understands the context, so I don't need to explain or validate too much in this intro.

   I'm in an 8 months relationship, and my GF has some patterns consistent with BPD.  I have ADHD, and I have been learning that has a lot more of an impact than just poor time management.
 I have an anxiously attached attachment style, some rejection sensitivity, I'm impulsive, have had low self esteem, poor self differentiation.  Through this relationship, and the individual counseling I've been in to deal with it's impacts on me, I've learned to believe in myself better, and set proper boundaries, and act in a way that is consistent with my values.

   We've been through a lot together.  she's been extremely abusive to me tens of times, yelling at me, interrupting me, calling me names, gaslighting, bread crumbing, discarding, circular conversations, double standards, and keeping it unclear what I've done wrong, what I can do about it.  I've engaged back in name calling some times, but nowhere near what shes done to me.  But I love her, and understand her, I accept her, and she's the most giving lover and partner I've ever had.

   I have improved immensely my ability to stay emotionally regulated, and avoid doing anything anybody would call abusive; (name calling.)  But I have reinforced a lot of her patterns by tolerating it, and actually responding positively.  I have a lot of ground to take back since I've learned some things in individual counseling about my lack of self differentiation, self value, and codependency.  I've set some hard boundaries, she's crossed them, and I've stood fast.  She's taken accountability, apologized, and is making real efforts.  During this process, we've broken up, she was upset with me, and responding with spite, trying to create jealousy, and after a month of this, she went out with a man friend and came home at 230am.  We made up the next day, and tried to deal with our issues, and a few days later she was being very sweet and very compromising all day, we worked out a lot of our hurt, and I should have been happy with that, but later that evening when I asked her to do her hair for me like she had when she went out with a man friend, and she said no, I felt so damn rejected and fragile, and I threw a fit and smashed a door, and a plate, and a shelf.  And I told her to leave.  (she lives with me, so that's really really not cool).  She finally left to her sisters house.  I wasn't thinking how threatening that would come across, I know that's really crossing a line.  I had the moral high ground until then.  I have done wrong.  That was extremely abusive of me.  (I have apologized, not to get her back but because I feel horrible for turning her world upside down, kicking her out, and scaring the PLEASE READ out of her with violence against objects in our house)  I went to my counseling appointment the next day, and I went to a new psychologist who is a DBT specialist, but they both sort of agree that that's what can happen when I don't set boundaries and allow the things that create resentment to continue.  I ended up past my breaking point and lost control of myself.

I didn't want her to feel less valued, and rejected, so I told her how much I regret that, and that I accept its the end.  I want her to hold her head high, and feel valued and not discarded, and how much I want her back, and my sincere apologies, we shared a lot of tears over the phone...

a week has gone by after that at this point:
She is all moved out, and I have given her space, while letting her know my hope for reconciliation.  But I did feel it necessary, not to justify my action, but to point out that her intentionally creating jealousy, and making me feel rejected, was something that contributed to me ending up snapping and losing my emotional regulation.  I explained that I know that acting that way is not acceptable, and the right thing to do would have been to hold boundaries and not tolerate her behaviiour, and break up.  I told her that if we continue, I have learned where to set boundaries, and if she crosses those boundaries, I won't throw a fit, but I will end our relationship.

after that week, she's asked me to come pick her up to talk.  We did.  She came back to the house that we shared together, and she's been here back at home for 10 days.  (but without all of her things.  she's moved to a new house.)

her family thinks I'm an absolute abuser after that.  Not taking into account all of the screaming at me, the hundreds of names shes called me, the spiteful malicious socializing (looking like cheating on purpose to hurt my feelings) that created such resentment, and the amount of forgiveness and acceptance that it has taken me to continue to stand by her.   but they do know her patterns too and her sister has validated my concerns about her BPD...

I think her family are enabling her, and taking her side against me.  She doesn't defend or redeem me.  She loves me and wants to be with me but it's hard for her to tell her family that.  I don't know how to approach her family again...   I don't want to sound like I'm excusing my actions, but they do need to be aware of her actions towards me.  And they should not simply give her a pat on the back for walking away from an abuser, because I'm not an abuser.

I think that if she's not with me, she will excuse herself, and continue her toxic abusive patterns with the next man, and will continue the cycle...    I really truly love her.  I accept her.  I appreciate her.  I believe in her.  She just has some patterns that are hurtful.  I'm clearly not perfect either and I would like to have the same forgiveness and acceptance.  I want her family to see that.  I want her to go to DBT therapy, (she has agreed to) and I continue with my therapy.  I want her family to get on board with that.

have to run now.  Can't wait to see what you all have to say.

Thank you

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey davey, welcome to the group 

You guys have had a bumpy ride in your relationship, which sounds volatile.

It's good that you recognize the part you played in what has happened, and that you recognize that she has also contributed to the volatility.

The role of "family of origin" (FOO) in a person's brain wiring, personality, choices, "default positions", etc, is big. Not everything, but big. Yet she is her own adult person now, even though there are still a lot of ties between her and her family, and even though you are seeming to see a lot of influence from her family over her. There's a sense in which there's this "both-and" tension in our adult choices: every fiber in our being might scream at us "do this, be this way, make this choice, give in to family pressure, etc" AND at the same time, as adults, we get to choose if we will or won't act on those deep feelings.

Couple of things come to mind right off the bat.

One: have you heard of the acronym "JADE" at all? It stands for four approaches that are typically "escalating" and "add fuel to the fire" instead of making things better. The letters mean: Justify, Attack (or Argue), Defend, Explain. Those four approaches can work okay with "broadly normal" personalities and groups. However, when interacting with a pwPD (or a disordered FOO), trying to explain yourself, justify your choices, make a logical argument, or defend why "you're not that bad" will almost inevitably backfire and lead to more conflict.

One belief that many newer members here have is that "if I could just explain X well enough to him/her/the family, then that would clear things up". PD's ingrain a certain way of looking at the world and at relationships that isn't touchable by logic or explanation. In fact, the JADE approach often "induces" the pwPD to "double down" on their sense that they are really a victim and you are really the bad guy.

So, if you want, we can talk through here some more that desire to "get her family to see the real you". It's a desire that makes a lot of sense, and yet, in relationships with pwPDs, we often have to balance what we want with what will be the most effective and "least worst" path forward.

You can also check out this workshop on "Don't JADE": https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.0

...

Two: curious if you've heard of the Karpman drama triangle? I believe it's a specific framework for understanding 3-person or 3-group dynamics that comes from Bowen's family systems work. Briefly, when there's tension between two people, often a third party gets "pulled in" to relieve the tension. When that happens, there are three archetypical roles that get filled: the Victim ("I didn't do anything wrong" / "help me"), the Rescuer (knight in shining armor / "the one who cares"), and the Persecutor (villain/bad guy or "the one who is right").

You can consider if it might fit to look at you, your GF, and her family in those positions, especially in regards to your question of how it might go to try to get her family on board with her going to DBT. One way that might look is: you care about her and want her to get help. You tell her family "I just think the right thing to do is for her to do DBT, can't you support me and her in that?" Her family responds with "There's nothing wrong with her, and we can't believe you're so controlling that you're trying to force her to get help when she's the real victim. Get out of our house and don't come back!"

The roles start as: you're trying to Rescue your GF, who occupies the Victim role. Because there's a third party involved, they too "need" a role, but don't want the "undesireable" role of persecutor, so they "flip the triangle" on you. Now they are the Rescuers, saving and defending your GF from your awful Persecution and blame.

Instead of this kind of interaction being helpful and moving things in a healthy direction, it can entrench the unhealthy Karpman dynamics.

One of the hardest things for those with a loved one with a PD to do is to step out of the drama triangle and allow the loved one to make their own choices. Weirdly, that move can often take the pressure off and allow healthier choices to happen.

Anyway, if you'd like to learn more about triangle dynamics, feel free to read through this workshop on it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

I know this was a lot, so I'll wrap it up there and we'll wait for your thoughts on all this.

Again, glad you're here;

kells76

[guitarguy09]

Kells76 is right. I used to argue with my BPD wife until I was blue in the face, leading to escalating arguments and occasional hitting or breaking things from her. I try my best now not to JADE, but I usually let her talk until she's tired of talking and walks away. Yours is a different situation but these tools can be helpful to de-escalate conflict or at least not make it worse.

One common way my wife would come at me is: "Name a time you've ever stood up for me." Though there are times where I feel I have, she doesn't feel that way in that moment and nothing I could say would change that.

Best of luck with your situation!