Bent but unbroken

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've debated on reaching out to this community for a while so that I would lean less on the people around me-- they've spent hours helping me manage thoughts and define goals. That said, I hope I'm posting in the correct forum.

I somehow missed BPD traits my ex-fiance had. We were together for four years and engaged for roughly 1 year and 11 months. We were supposed to get married this month. I think she was a quiet type, there was never an outburst or a meltdown. It was silent treatments, passive aggression, and sometimes she would smear me in private. That last one bothers me the most because I had caught her a handful of times and thought that it was probably just that-- maybe a handful of statements she made to people who liked me. But I may be wrong here.

It was hard to know if it was me or not because the last year or so she had been struggling with depression. We had argued a handful of times about treatment, but she refused and would get angry with me when I'd recommend therapy. She was more than happy to take medication, but that didn't seem to change things. She isolated more, withdrew more, and turned away from me. She would say things like "You never do this" or "I always have to do this" which may have some truth in it, but I was also working 60ish hours a week across 3 jobs to make sure I secured my licensure and could pay for our life together. one of those jobs required me to do two 12hr shifts overnight. I was burning myself out, sacrificed two summers to hustle and make enough money to give her the wedding and honeymoon she wanted. And in the end, I was called selfish.

That last piece kills me. I used to commute 7 hours to visit her for a day (I lived a state away). I moved out here to help her and her friends when their lease fell through, and when her friends dropped out or vanished I was okay paying more in rent (we still went 50/50). I then fought to transfer my license to this state, so she could live near her mother. And when her mother decided to leave the country, I helped them move and let them take over our garage and part of our house for free storage-- all while giving her brother 6 months of rent-free living cause his mom bailed on him (none of which I was ever thanked for). I supported and pushed her through her Masters. She had expectations for our engagement, and I met them-- she got a beautiful ring well beyond anything she expected-- engraved without favorite words to each other.

Roughly 3 months ago I came home and it all ended. Something had felt off, and I suspected cheating-- but just couldn't tell. I asked her what was wrong, and she didn't want to talk about it cause she wasn't ready she said. I pressed it, and she eventually said she wanted to take a break. That I was always negative, that I was lazy, that I was selfish, etc. I pressed for what she wanted, but she didn't know-- 1 to 3 months of no contact. She wanted to move out, but she wanted us to live together until our lease ran out (2 months from then). I asked her for the difference between that and a breakup, and she had no answer. She didn't know anything. So I snapped, my abandonment wounds fired, and I got frustrated. Mind you, I never called her names-- but I'm sure I shamed her. I pointed out how she had led me to this point, how much I had invested, how she had introduced me as her husband to others, how she had called my father "dad", and several other things I don't need to express. I asked her if she cheated, and she denied it.

I left that night, and came back the next morning on fire still. Told her that I wanted to hate her but couldn't, that I wanted her out of my life. That after this I never want to see her again. I'm going to be gone by the end of the week. etc. She opted to move into the office and I took the master. I got drunk that night cause I couldn't sleep, and broke some random PLEASE READ in the back yard-- the glass cups I had purchased for my groomsmen.

The next day I had a come to Jesus moment, and tried to reconcile. I offered everything she wanted but asked that we keep contact and figure PLEASE READ out. She had given me the things she wanted me to change, and I said I would. But she had already signed a lease before she came home, she said she had become afraid of me. We talked a bit, she said she still loved me. I asked her if I was still the man she wanted to marry, she said yes. She said she needed time, but that she wanted to be able to reach out to me, because she wanted to see. She gave no timeline, no dates, and said she didn't want to promise that she would. This was pretty PLEASE READed up. She was gone 5 days later.

She had said I could text her still, but that she wouldn't reply if she didn't want to. I texted her good night and good morning every day for a week. And then stopped. I went low contact while I more or less packed and cleaned the house solo. Eventually she showed up to move some things, and she was with a guy she had said she stopped talking to two years ago. I was kind, ignored the red flag, helped her move some stuff, and continued working on the house. I didn't fight her on things she took, she even took some of my things. I let it go. I let it all go, and finished the house solo. I didn't ask for compensation, nor did I expect it honestly. We had some short exchanges via text, and I said if she ever needed me reach out and that I looked forward to seeing her again sometime. I've been no contact since then, roughly sixty days ago.

I landed on my two feet in a luxury apartment with what little I got out of the breakup. Quit the side job bullPLEASE READ, and rolled into 100k a year, lost 40lbs and got back into rock climbing and mountaineering. I'm very active now, more so than previously. I also have my own weekly therapy. I've heard through the grape vine that her leaving didn't improve her mood, that she still acts miserable. She removed me off most Social Media but forgot, or intentionally, left me on Tiktok. She did not remove mutual friends and former acquittances. Which sucks cause she's taken to posting about me once Facebook-- something about how I didn't invest in her or something. She still sees that guy, in fact she made a point of taking him out to a place I took her for our anniversary, and tagging him in a post I think to get to me, (but I don't know-- a friend told me about it). and later she began passive aggressive reposts on Tiktok where I think she knows I can see them. The most recent ones she posted was about how much waiting hurts-- but letting go is harder.

Honestly, a lot of this doesn't bother me. The dude looks like he ate every pound I lost, and he used to be a cop but now is a mechanic. That would be a weird regression if she was honestly dating him, but they used to be good friends so I don't know. I thought I would be more jealous, but its more of an annoyance at the childishness of it all.

I'm sort of waiting, to see where it all goes. 3 months post break up, 2 months no contact, and I feel like PLEASE READ.

Which gets to the kicker, this is my life. I somehow created this, and I still love this girl. In all my time with her, I've never seen her act out like this, never seen her implode to this level. I know all her horrors and she knows mine, but even after this I still love her-- and that feels like it says so much about my own failings.

You might be wondering why it says "family with BPD". My ex isn't dx with BPD, I just see the traits, know the history-- and I was thinking if she was a client of mine-- I'd be eyeing that diagnosis harshly right now. But my mother is dxBPD, and my mother is the classic abusive, insane form of it. Not quiet, but hateful. Her and I have been no contact off and on again 15 years, our most recent stretch due to how she treated my now ex.

And right now, it feels like 30 some odd years of my life now revolves around cluster B personality traits.

So I'm tired, and over life. Not in the suicidal planning kind of way, but boy does it inspire the thoughts. And now that I've written this, especially these last paragraphs, I'm going to go to the gym and take a deep breath.

[Always_Forever]

I've debated on reaching out to this community for a while so that I would lean less on the people around me-- they've spent hours helping me manage thoughts and define goals. That said, I hope I'm posting in the correct forum.

I somehow missed BPD traits my ex-fiance had. We were together for four years and engaged for roughly 1 year and 11 months. We were supposed to get married this month. I think she was a quiet type, there was never an outburst or a meltdown. It was silent treatments, passive aggression, and sometimes she would smear me in private. That last one bothers me the most because I had caught her a handful of times and thought that it was probably just that-- maybe a handful of statements she made to people who liked me. But I may be wrong here.

It was hard to know if it was me or not because the last year or so she had been struggling with depression. We had argued a handful of times about treatment, but she refused and would get angry with me when I'd recommend therapy. She was more than happy to take medication, but that didn't seem to change things. She isolated more, withdrew more, and turned away from me. She would say things like "You never do this" or "I always have to do this" which may have some truth in it, but I was also working 60ish hours a week across 3 jobs to make sure I secured my licensure and could pay for our life together. one of those jobs required me to do two 12hr shifts overnight. I was burning myself out, sacrificed two summers to hustle and make enough money to give her the wedding and honeymoon she wanted. And in the end, I was called selfish.

That last piece kills me. I used to commute 7 hours to visit her for a day (I lived a state away). I moved out here to help her and her friends when their lease fell through, and when her friends dropped out or vanished I was okay paying more in rent (we still went 50/50). I then fought to transfer my license to this state, so she could live near her mother. And when her mother decided to leave the country, I helped them move and let them take over our garage and part of our house for free storage-- all while giving her brother 6 months of rent-free living cause his mom bailed on him (none of which I was ever thanked for). I supported and pushed her through her Masters. She had expectations for our engagement, and I met them-- she got a beautiful ring well beyond anything she expected-- engraved without favorite words to each other.

Roughly 3 months ago I came home and it all ended. Something had felt off, and I suspected cheating-- but just couldn't tell. I asked her what was wrong, and she didn't want to talk about it cause she wasn't ready she said. I pressed it, and she eventually said she wanted to take a break. That I was always negative, that I was lazy, that I was selfish, etc. I pressed for what she wanted, but she didn't know-- 1 to 3 months of no contact. She wanted to move out, but she wanted us to live together until our lease ran out (2 months from then). I asked her for the difference between that and a breakup, and she had no answer. She didn't know anything. So I snapped, my abandonment wounds fired, and I got frustrated. Mind you, I never called her names-- but I'm sure I shamed her. I pointed out how she had led me to this point, how much I had invested, how she had introduced me as her husband to others, how she had called my father "dad", and several other things I don't need to express. I asked her if she cheated, and she denied it.

I left that night, and came back the next morning on fire still. Told her that I wanted to hate her but couldn't, that I wanted her out of my life. That after this I never want to see her again. I'm going to be gone by the end of the week. etc. She opted to move into the office and I took the master. I got drunk that night cause I couldn't sleep, and broke some random PLEASE READ in the back yard-- the glass cups I had purchased for my groomsmen.

The next day I had a come to Jesus moment, and tried to reconcile. I offered everything she wanted but asked that we keep contact and figure PLEASE READ out. She had given me the things she wanted me to change, and I said I would. But she had already signed a lease before she came home, she said she had become afraid of me. We talked a bit, she said she still loved me. I asked her if I was still the man she wanted to marry, she said yes. She said she needed time, but that she wanted to be able to reach out to me, because she wanted to see. She gave no timeline, no dates, and said she didn't want to promise that she would. This was pretty PLEASE READed up. She was gone 5 days later.

She had said I could text her still, but that she wouldn't reply if she didn't want to. I texted her good night and good morning every day for a week. And then stopped. I went low contact while I more or less packed and cleaned the house solo. Eventually she showed up to move some things, and she was with a guy she had said she stopped talking to two years ago. I was kind, ignored the red flag, helped her move some stuff, and continued working on the house. I didn't fight her on things she took, she even took some of my things. I let it go. I let it all go, and finished the house solo. I didn't ask for compensation, nor did I expect it honestly. We had some short exchanges via text, and I said if she ever needed me reach out and that I looked forward to seeing her again sometime. I've been no contact since then, roughly sixty days ago.

I landed on my two feet in a luxury apartment with what little I got out of the breakup. Quit the side job bullPLEASE READ, and rolled into 100k a year, lost 40lbs and got back into rock climbing and mountaineering. I'm very active now, more so than previously. I also have my own weekly therapy. I've heard through the grape vine that her leaving didn't improve her mood, that she still acts miserable. She removed me off most Social Media but forgot, or intentionally, left me on Tiktok. She did not remove mutual friends and former acquittances. Which sucks cause she's taken to posting about me once Facebook-- something about how I didn't invest in her or something. She still sees that guy, in fact she made a point of taking him out to a place I took her for our anniversary, and tagging him in a post I think to get to me, (but I don't know-- a friend told me about it). and later she began passive aggressive reposts on Tiktok where I think she knows I can see them. The most recent ones she posted was about how much waiting hurts-- but letting go is harder.

Honestly, a lot of this doesn't bother me. The dude looks like he ate every pound I lost, and he used to be a cop but now is a mechanic. That would be a weird regression if she was honestly dating him, but they used to be good friends so I don't know. I thought I would be more jealous, but its more of an annoyance at the childishness of it all.

I'm sort of waiting, to see where it all goes. 3 months post break up, 2 months no contact, and I feel like PLEASE READ.

Which gets to the kicker, this is my life. I somehow created this, and I still love this girl. In all my time with her, I've never seen her act out like this, never seen her implode to this level. I know all her horrors and she knows mine, but even after this I still love her-- and that feels like it says so much about my own failings.

You might be wondering why it says "family with BPD". My ex isn't dx with BPD, I just see the traits, know the history-- and I was thinking if she was a client of mine-- I'd be eyeing that diagnosis harshly right now. But my mother is dxBPD, and my mother is the classic abusive, insane form of it. Not quiet, but hateful. Her and I have been no contact off and on again 15 years, our most recent stretch due to how she treated my now ex.

And right now, it feels like 30 some odd years of my life now revolves around cluster B personality traits.

So I'm tired, and over life. Not in the suicidal planning kind of way, but boy does it inspire the thoughts. And now that I've written this, especially these last paragraphs, I'm going to go to the gym and take a deep breath.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[SaltyDawg]

Which gets to the kicker, this is my life. I somehow created this, and I still love this girl. In all my time with her, I've never seen her act out like this, never seen her implode to this level. I know all her horrors and she knows mine, but even after this I still love her-- and that feels like it says so much about my own failings.

You might be wondering why it says "family with BPD". My ex isn't dx with BPD, I just see the traits, know the history-- and I was thinking if she was a client of mine-- I'd be eyeing that diagnosis harshly right now. But my mother is dxBPD, and my mother is the classic abusive, insane form of it. Not quiet, but hateful. Her and I have been no contact off and on again 15 years, our most recent stretch due to how she treated my now ex.

And right now, it feels like 30 some odd years of my life now revolves around cluster B personality traits.

Hello Always Forever,

   Welcome to BPD Family.  We are here to listen to you, and to support you.

   While reading your story some thoughts come to mind:

   Your engagement to her may have triggered her fear of engulfment, so she abandoned you before you could abandon her.

   The former cop / mechanic - she went back to him, and she is likely treating him the same way she treated you.  This is borderline 'supply' the failback dude, they always have to have someone in their life so they are not abandoned.  With you losing 40 lbs, and him gaining 40 lbs, that is the result of the stress the borderline dynamic puts on us.

   Even though you feel as though you create this, or caused this, you didn't, it's them.  Please tell yourself

  I did not cause it.
  I cannot control it.
  I cannot cure it.

   I am very impressed that you have tremendous insight that your mother was a diagnosed borderline, and you were engaged to a person who was likely an undiagnosed borderline and you are attracted to that type of personality.  Your mother influenced your life, and the person you were with was similar on the subconscious level albeit very different in their outward vs inward anger.  Think about this, but not too long, you may want to unpack this dynamic with a therapist on why your life revolves around Cluster-B.

   You are obviously well schooled on it; however, if you need resources, please reach out, talk as much or as little as you want, ask questions, we will do our best to answer them.

   It sounds like you have an excellent self-care routine going, I am going to encourage you to do that.

   Take care, and share your thoughts with us.

SD

[Always_Forever]

Thanks SD, I appreciate the insight and your taking the time. I agree with the engulfment piece. Its odd how she could be the one to push the engagement, then be the one to delay the wedding and suddenly get engulfed. It was a scenario she created, and one she could have diffused by talking to me. I wasn't in a massive rush.

He put on the weight before he met her-- another relationship destroyed him.  He wasn't her type when he was fit, and a cop. Being fat and a mechanic didn't change that. What eats at me is whether or not this was planned, she told me she stopped talking to this guy (I didn't ask for this)-- and used that to try and get me to drop a friend of mine. It makes me question her fidelity a lot and I wish I didn't have to. That was two years ago-- so lots of things are in question now, and with how this has gone it's like she's decided to burn every happy memory I had/have and make this a very painful process.

I didn't start seeing the similarity in traits between her and my mother until she disconnected from me via social media/went ghost. It was exactly like how my mother has done this, several times over now. I am unpacking this with a therapist, which has been unhelpful and helpful.

My knowledge of this feels too academic, I'm a clinician but I still feel blindsided by it all. I can't even tell if I should stick with no contact and let her sort herself out or finally break out and see what's going on. The finality of this eats at me most days, and her weird posts (reverse charming maybe?) make me wonder if I should seek out a conversation. How does one determine this? I know I'm not done, but how much time do you give yourself to get to that answer? It's been 3 months and I still want something, it just feels like I have to get vulnerable for a third time to get her to crack the door open. I don't even know where I should have compassion and empathy for her, and where I should let myself be angry.

[SaltyDawg]

Thanks SD, I appreciate the insight and your taking the time. I agree with the engulfment piece. Its odd how she could be the one to push the engagement, then be the one to delay the wedding and suddenly get engulfed. It was a scenario she created, and one she could have diffused by talking to me. I wasn't in a massive rush.

They think they know what they want; however, when they get it, it is not what they wanted. 


He put on the weight before he met her-- another relationship destroyed him.  He wasn't her type when he was fit, and a cop. Being fat and a mechanic didn't change that. What eats at me is whether or not this was planned, she told me she stopped talking to this guy (I didn't ask for this)-- and used that to try and get me to drop a friend of mine. It makes me question her fidelity a lot and I wish I didn't have to. That was two years ago-- so lots of things are in question now, and with how this has gone it's like she's decided to burn every happy memory I had/have and make this a very painful process.

I am sorry you have to go through this, no one deserves this to happen to them.  If you have to question her fidelity, a lot, this relationship does not feel like a good fit.  What do you think?

BPD will either idolize you, or devalue/discard you, black/white thinking which will seem like she is doing a scorched earth on all of your happy memories, which makes it so painful for you.


I didn't start seeing the similarity in traits between her and my mother until she disconnected from me via social media/went ghost. It was exactly like how my mother has done this, several times over now. I am unpacking this with a therapist, which has been unhelpful and helpful.

That is probably the best advice I could give you, you are already doing this, seeing a therapist to unpack all of this.  You can also ask questions here, as we all have been with a pwBPD (or worse).


My knowledge of this feels too academic, I'm a clinician but I still feel blindsided by it all.

I hear you, the only way I could process this was to learn it academically, since it didn't make any sense, until I learned about BPD from textbook like sources.


I can't even tell if I should stick with no contact and let her sort herself out or finally break out and see what's going on. The finality of this eats at me most days, and her weird posts (reverse charming maybe?) make me wonder if I should seek out a conversation. How does one determine this?

I cannot tell you what to do.  However, I would suggest using DBT 'wise mind' (Top entry from the 'tool' menu above) to sort out on whether or not to reach out to her again.  My answer will likely differ from your answer, and it is your answer that is important to you. 


I know I'm not done, but how much time do you give yourself to get to that answer?

As long as it takes, for some it is a few days, for others it is decades.  It is a process, and you need to take as long as it needs to in order to get it resolved to your satisfaction.  With you seeing a therapist, this process will be shorter than it would otherwise have been.


It's been 3 months and I still want something, it just feels like I have to get vulnerable for a third time to get her to crack the door open. I don't even know where I should have compassion and empathy for her, and where I should let myself be angry.

3 months, the wounds are still newish.  All of those emotions are valid emotions on how you feel.  Follow your gut on which ones you should pay attention to.  Perhaps view this as a grieving process for your relationship.

I know you have been through a lot, please be sure to do self-care whatever that might look like for you.

Take care with self-care.

SD