Day one of no contact

[pipefitter]

So, last night my ex fiancé w/bpd decided to drop a box of my possessions at the house I’m staying. Unannounced over an hour away from her. It has been driving me crazy thinking about her underlying motivations for doing this. I sent her an email on a throw away email adress I had to thank her and let her know I’m open to us talking about things If/when she’s ready. I think it’s best for myself to institute a no-contact period. I would get back with her. But with her in the midst of splitting me black, and wanting nothing to do with me I’m only hurting myself and probably her by trying to reach out to her. I’m going to take this time to heal some of the damage and learn about myself. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next week that I’m really looking forward too. My codependency led to a lot more being taken from me during this recycle. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. Right now it’s about me getting well. If/when she reaches out I hope I’m in a better place

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[kells76]

Hey pipefitter,

I’m going to take this time to heal some of the damage and learn about myself. I have a therapy appointment scheduled for next week that I’m really looking forward too. 

That's good to hear. Learning from a BPD relationship isn't about "whose fault is it" or "who is to blame" -- it's about "what was my contribution to the situation" and "what do I have control over bettering in my life". If we can't work on ourselves and our side of the street, then we take those issues and dynamics right into the next relationship, whether it's with the same person or someone new.

Will it be a new T, or someone you already know?

If/when she reaches out I hope I’m in a better place

I wonder if it'd be helpful to game-plan how you want to approach contact, so it doesn't catch you off-guard. Again, the focus could be less on what she might or might not do, and more on what you have control over (which is your response either way). Maybe a timeline could help: "If she reaches out before my next T appointment, my plan is to do XYZ and not ABC. If she doesn't reach out before my next T appointment, my plan is to talk about it with my T and get my T's feedback on a healthy approach. I won't allow myself to initiate contact until Day/Date" (or something).

You know yourself the best, though, so it's just one idea out of many that you can think about.

[pipefitter]

Thanks kells, like always I appreciate the support. My appointment is with a new t. I feel bad going back to my old one after lapsing for 3 or so months. I learned after the last time the only thing that I can control is myself. That’s  where a lot of friction came from the first time around. Placing expectations on how she should act

Your 2nd point is very interesting kells. I don’t know really how I would react depending on what she would say. Whether it’s the
 Nice each out the rage reach out or just wanting to make sure I’m still around reach out. As far as definitive no contact I’m saying at least 30 days from today barring any necessary financial communications

[tina7868]

Your 2nd point is very interesting kells. I don’t know really how I would react depending on what she would say. Whether it’s the
 Nice each out the rage reach out or just wanting to make sure I’m still around reach out. As far as definitive no contact I’m saying at least 30 days from today barring any necessary financial communications

Hello pipefitter! I am a proponent of having a `game-plan`! In my case, it helped me move away from reacting, and towards choosing, intentionally, my responses.

You make a good point in bringing up that what you do depends on what she says. Certainly, you cannot account for every possible way she may reach out. However, you can instead focus on what is in your control : the way you want to respond. What I mean is, whether she rages, is doing a check in, or wants to get back together, how would you describe the version of you that responds to her?

For example, I imagined myself taking a moment to gather myself (and therefore not be reactive!), being calm, seeking advice from a trusted friend, being mature, being understanding, choosing my own peace first, and letting go.

In that way, you can prepare yourself for all different kinds of scenarios by choosing your underlying approach.

[pipefitter]

Hi Tina, thanks for the response

Once I wrapped my head around it, that’s what I ended up doing the first time around now that I’m thinking about it. And it worked out in the long run. So, that’s exactly what I will do. I’ll take a deep breath, remember that her emotional state is heightened more so than a regular person, and answer calmly and nicely.

It’s been 2 days no contact now. I know it’s early, and more than likely my own anxieties weighing on me. But it feels like I’m not ever actually going to hear from her. That and the rages swearing up and down that I wouldn’t and that we were done etc.