Potentially ""mild"" case of BPD in ex GF that just dumped me like trash?

[Anonymous03]

So I will save you the gory details that you've all heard many countless times already (blah blah soulmate blah blah forever), and just focus on the unique details of my situation. We've broken up and gotten back once already. During the summers, she lives with her very strict hispanic family and cannot see me (or even leave the house without a family member). The first time around, we lasted 8 months before we pretty much mutually broke up in September 2019 (met January 2019), because she kept changing her mind literally every day or two between saying she didn't want this anymore and how she can't ever let me go no matter what, and I was basically forced to give up fighting for her when she was getting too toxic and abusive in her bad moments. I gave her a choice, we can either talk about this or we're done because I am being treated literally worse than I would be in a north korean prison. She says no (putting it nicely) and I ask her, "so we're really ending it like this?" and she says yes. I block everything except her phone number and go to pick up my stuff.

Fast forward 5 months (February 2020), during most of which I was a completely ruined mental wreck, she randomly texts me out of the blue with her misery story, saying how she was miserable the entire time and didn't even kiss or do anything with another guy the entire time, which I later found out was actually true, confirmed from what she told various people while I was gone at least, and from her showing me her search histories of being deprived of sex for 9 months. She even called me using fake phone numbers to hear my voice (I remember this and wondering who it was), texted me with fake numbers a couple times. Said she spent the entire time after the first month or so miserable and feeling so bad and regretful of how we turned out she just couldn't do anything with anyone else, and she wanted to text me the whole time but was afraid I would hate her. She also said that the reason for her behaving that way was that she was scared to be with someone who she thought didn't truly love her (...).

So fast forward now again to us being apart for 4 months now due to quarantine. The past 2.5 weeks, she has been starting absolutely idiotic fights with me over mainly her insecurities. For example, her telling me how her breasts are seemingly growing (she's 19) and I flirted with her over it, which somehow turned into "SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST DUMP ME THEN AND A GET A GIRL WITH BIGGER TITS IF YOU DON'T LIKE MINE THE WAY THEY ARE?" Other times they were (before me reading about BPD) seemingly over nothing, but now I can understand somewhat where she was coming from, although even then it seems as if she was itching to start fights for no reason.

After all of this stupid fighting, the whole time me telling her I love her and telling her how I miss our cuddles etc., I get really sick of it and stop being sweet. She soon after starts being very sweet midway through the day, leaving me extremely super sweet voice mails telling me how much she loves me and how she has withdrawals from me, making us a virtual marriage certificate, calling me husband like usual, telling me she misses me so much she'd give the world just to hug me for 2 seconds, calling me husband, etc. And the kickers: "I WANT YOU TO KNOW IF I EVER COMPLAIN ABOUT YOU I STILL LOVE YOU TO DEATH AND LOVE ALL YOUR FLAWS, EVEN IF I GET UPSET BY THEM AT TIMES" "WE FIGHT AND I BLOCK YOU SOMETIMES BUT I STILL LOVE YOU"

Within less a few hours of me not reciprocating the sweet lovey doveyness (yes this was a mistake on my part) due to just being hurt and sick of the fighting, she goes to sleep for a couple hours and tells me she had a dream where I was ignoring nice things she did for me and kicking her out of the bed and she tells me in the dream she deserves better than me. I get more hurt at this point, I respond with really, is this how you actually think... and she just gets passive aggressive and distant.

Fast forward 2-3 days (yes only 2-3 days, from the aforementioned sweet voicemails and texts), during which I am being very sweet constantly telling her I love her and miss her etc. trying to reassure her, and her being just rude and nasty mostly. She wants to watch a movie on facetime, but I ask if she can wait a couple of hours because I just told my family to drive over to me and we would watch a movie together, and they were already on their way because of me. She gets hurt at this apparently and just tells me she's going to sleep. She wakes up in the morning and starts a fight over something I said about her story she told about her cousins friends, WHO keep in mind ARE BANNED FROM HER MOTHERS HOUSE for being disrespectful to her/my now-ex, and ALL OF WHOM she has blocked on her phone except 2 because she hates them for being "obnoxious and annoying". I called them low life trash (yes harsh, but she routinely says things many times worse than this, we both use very rough language) because they apparently saw it fit to, while attending her cousins birthday party, talk to her in front of her own family in ways like "putting their hotdog in her buns" and sexually advancing on her and refusing to stop when she was telling them to repeatedly... at a family birthday party...

Apparently this triggered her because they are from the same place as she is, and she took it as if my comment was directed at her, despite me telling her that was not the case at all... I'm telling you though on an ordinary day where she's not itching to start a fight she would just agree with me or something, she routinely talks way WAY worse than I do about these people all the time, and way way WAY worse than I did in this instance, she actually hates these people for gods sake. But yes apparently this triggered her to say things like her wanting to be with me is the biggest question of the year, she's sick of us, and I said how I'm really sick of the fighting lately I just want to go back to watching movies and getting along again. But nope she screams in caps how we're done, and refuses to talk to me on the phone, just blocks me and that's it.

Now is where it gets semi? interesting and why I think she may not have full blown BPD. She blocks me on a Monday morning. She sees it and blocks that as well instantly. Now, as bad as it sounds it's very typical for her to block me after a nonsense fight and then unblock me and apologize later or the next day (never later), but she has ever only blocked my phone number. This time, I was blocked everywhere, all social media, and she even changed her pinterest profile picture from our pic. After realizing I'm blocked on everything I make a fake instagram account to message her right away out of shock. She sees it instantly and blocks that as well.

Again here comes the interesting part. I decide to try not to panic, thinking it'll be like all the other times she's blocked me (can't even count honestly) and she'll just come back. Three days pass, and Thursday evening, she unblocks my phone number to text me "Stop making fake accounts to message me." I reply that I have not done that since Monday... and she for some reason is insisting that I am still doing it, when obviously I myself know that I am not. We go through the whole thing of, basically me trying to convince her to come back (felt like it was the right move after reflecting on that dream she told me about, which I now took as her way of communicating) and her refusing, saying she's sick of us and she's done in a very angry manner.

She tells me she slept with someone else to try to make me go away (She later confirms my suspicions that she lied that she did this to make me go away, or I guess maybe test me. I knew it was not possible for her to do this living with her family, they do not let her out of the house alone. If she was at college it would be a different story, but this is July AKA summer time) and then when I ask if she actually did that, she stops responding until the next day when she's "more drunk than she's ever been" from drinking with her family and starts drunk texting me. This eventually ends with her saying "Listen I'm in no condition to talk to you so bye", to which I reply "Um ok *name*. Goodbye I guess." and she replies "Yes" (...).

A few days later I get texted a novel full of "reasons" for leaving me that are honestly astonishing, they are not just stretching the truth but are more so pure fabrications. She called me controlling when I have literally never controlled anything she has ever done at all, for example (while she has tried to control me), and a bunch of other things like that. A few of her reasons were true, yes, but they were massively exaggerated and things she did not give the slightest indication of caring about previously. In fact some were things we've discussed peacefully and she was fine with...

Yada yada my naive self starts trying to convince her to stay for a while but she keeps repeating she's sick of us, sick of me, tells me to find my next victim (... you have no idea how good I would treat this girl and how much I would let her get away with), etc. I have no choice but to give up the begging and simply tell her that I'm heartbroken at losing my best friend and soulmate, but no hard feelings on my part, if she ever wants to talk just LMK, and say goodbye. She says goodbye as well.

30 mins later I open the texts back up to reread what just happened, and I see that she went back and saved some of my old voice messages after we both said our goodbyes (what...). She deleted shared google docs we have of love letters she wrote to me, deleted our pictures, deleted a drawing I sent her, etc. Everything. She did not delete, however, her pinterest boards for our wedding and our baby's room that she had, with almost 1000 pins on them... She told me last time we broke up she deleted the wedding one because "what was the point of having it with you gone", and now she remade the wedding one, plus a new baby one, a while after we got back together. I'm guessing she thinks I can't see the pinterest account because she blocked me on there? Or perhaps she no longer cares about me enough to delete them just because I'm gone?

Ah right then a few hours later she texts me asking how to delete my account off her Nintendo Switch (and I tell her kindly and peacefully)

It's now been one full week of no contact since then.

What makes me think she's different from the typical BPD stories, although I do believe she has a less severe form of at least some of the traits, is her using an obvious excuse to unblock me after 3 days, perhaps out of guilt, or potentially regretting impulsively breaking up with me for no reason? Then drunk texting me and seemingly regretting/feeling week for reaching out afterwards. Then texting me the novel of her "reasons" for leaving me.

She always says how she is low self esteem to me and has issues because of it, and overthinks everything (mainly our relationship). I want her back more than anything right now even after a week of no contact, but I'm not sure how to proceed here. I feel as if I've already fought for her as much as possible, to the point she was telling me to stop and find the next girl, to move on (to my next victim). She said she doesn't care if I change or if things will be different, she's just sick of it and done with relationships. Being done with relationships is what she was telling herself during the 5 months we were broken up before as well, by the way.

Fighting no longer being an option, as it's seemingly only pushing her away farther, I am simply resorting to no contact as I feel there is no other alternative at this point. She's always had trouble accepting that I love her, or that I love what she perceives as her flaws, no matter how much I reinforce it. I have heard from this girl too many plans about our future, our wedding, our house, how she doesn't want to live without me because life is miserable without me, how she cares about me more than herself, etc.. To accept that she is just suddenly gone like this over such a dumb reason. I would always tell her how lucky I feel that we of all the people on this planet happened to meet and have this connection, how lucky I feel to have her. She would always tell me I'm the only good thing about her life, she doesn't know what she'd do without me...

In hindsight after reading about BPD, I see many things that I thought were nonsensical that now make complete and total sense to me, and I feel regret that if I had somehow known this earlier then things would not have turned out this way. I fully acknowledge the various mistakes I've made throughout this relationship, but I really feel that they are nowhere near the level of evil to deserve what's happening right now, and we could have solved our problems by simply discussing them (to which she did not deny during our last day of contact, but was just telling me it's too late now and I lost her already).

Also she said I was right about everything when I said that she still loves me and wants to come back but just doesn't want to get hurt again, so take that for what it's worth.

Does anyone have advice as to how I should proceed here? My current idea was to go a month without texting her (of course replying if she texted me unless it's abusive) to give her time to settle her emotions and negativity, and then test the waters out with some casual light texting.

I apologize in advance if I made any errors or slightly mistold/left out a part of the story typing this post, I am rather distraught right now as you might imagine. Thank you all in advance for your support.

To clarify yes I know fully well what I would be getting myself back into, I'm prepared for that, she was truly my best friend regardless of any infatuation or idealization. I love her at her worst just as much as I do as at her best. We would talk on facetime for up to 16+ hours every day on facetime this entire quarantine (forced to be in different states due to family situations) and talk to each other all day. She had no friends except me, I have no idea how she herself could be coping in light of this fact.

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