Specific Situation. What Went Wrong Here?

[Salamander Rx]

Story goes, my bf and I were on the phone. I was driving home from the animal shelter after having had a look at the animals up for adoption. I started talking about how all the dogs were so cute and I wish I could have all the dogs in the world. He said, "It's me or the dogs. And I'm not joking." I got upset because he turned it into something it didn't need to be. My feelings got extremely hurt so I stopped talking. I promised him I'd never hang up on him (I really did want to right then) so I just stayed on but didn't reply to anything he said. Once I got home, I messaged him on Facebook (I did wind up hanging up after reading a few of his messages) and this is the conversation that followed...

Me

I don't want to be on the phone...

BF

Idc

Me

Please let me get off

BF

No.

Me

I'm uncomfortable being around you... .

BF

Because you rather a dog than me?

The person you're supposed to marry, yet you'd pick a dog. That's a joke. Obviously so are your feelings.

You hung up?

Are you kidding me.

I said no. You ___in listen.

Wow. You seriously need to quit your ___.

You expect me to keep my part with you leaving? You ended us by hanging up.

Seriously, say something.

If you're going to pull this ___, we're as good as done.

You're doing everything you're not supposed to.

So I'd suggest you reply and talk about it. 3:

Can you PLEASE say something and QUIT reading and SITTING there and TORTURING me.

You're the one that would do this ___, you have things to fix. And you'e ignoring me on top of it?

Me

You messed up, not me... .

I'm not letting you blame me anymore.

BF

How?

You're the one that would PICK A DOG OVER THE PERSON YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO MARRY?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT HUNG UP

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT LEFT.

You should have known I was kidding about the dog thing. Why would I care if you get one? -.-

I just wanted to see if you'd actually pick a dog over me.

And you did.

Me

Why would you even do that? Do you realize that you say things and set things up in a way that will make me look bad?

BF

Because I wanted to see if you'd actually pick it over me and you did?

I wanted to see if your words were true, by how much you care and stuff.

But if you'd pick animals you don't even have/are not even close to, over me, then wow.

You'd quit school, but pick something you don't have over me?

I could understand if it was your other dogs, but things you DON'T have?

Me

Are you finished... .?

BF

I'm waiting for you to explain.

And admit it.

You have things to clear up? 3:

Me

Kind of hard to when you're spam messaging me... .

BF

Well, please explain then

Me

I didn't even bring up the you or the dogs thing, you did... I was just joking around saying I wanted all the dogs in the world and then you randomly say, "It's me or the dogs." I said, "No, it's you AND the dogs." I was having fun joking about the dog thing and then you kept pushing that... .you kept on and kept on and kept on and I was hoping to God you weren't going to ruin that too but you say, "I'm not kidding." So of course, I went quiet... .You managed to shoot that down too. Whenever I act happy about anything, you always have to make it about you and ruin the mood. You always turn it into something it doesn't need to be. I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore because I didn't. You ruined it, like I said. And then you ASSUME, "Wow. So you'd choose a dog over me." When did I say that? I didn't. YOU did. And you get mad at me and start swearing and I'm trying not to cry because I feel like I did something wrong and got in trouble. I hate it when you're upset with me, it hurts. You expect me to want to say anything when you're being mean like that? And then you say ___ you and throw marriage in my face? Saying it doesn't mean anything to me and to never tell you I care about marriage ever again. Do you not realize that YOU made up every single part of that conversation? Every single thing was conjured by your own doubts and issues. It had nothing to do with me. So, here I am in this same situation again, in trouble, being emotionally abused by you for doing absolutely nothing. It was all you.

BF

Um, no? You could have said you wouldn't.

You didn't, though. You let it rest at that.

But I was joking at first, until you didn't say anything.

Which led me to believe you actually would.

It was a joke until YOU went quiet. x-x

Me

You were joking yet JUST said, "I'm not joking."

BF

That's when I thought bad.

Okay? I've said it before

and still been joking? I said it the other night

With the game thing, I said I exited out and wasn't joking

but I didn't. When I say that, I never mean it.

Hey?

Me

The problem is, (Name). I don't know what is joking to you and what's not. I'm AFRAID to joke with you most of the time because it ALWAYS turns into this and I get in trouble and get sworn at and hurt...

BF

I'm sorry, you're right. I apologize for it. It was honestly a joke, until you went quiet. At that point, it made it seem like you would.

Me

I went quiet because my feelings got hurt... .

BF

I'm sorry, (Name).

It was a misunderstanding ON my part.

You didn't deserve any of it

Me

Yeah, a misunderstanding... .How many "misunderstandings" do I have to deal with? Every time you always do and say something to hurt me.

BF

(Name), quit. .-.

You don't let anything get fixed. You don't want problems.

But when I try to do what's right

You complain and complain.

I could COMPLAIN about you doing things.

There's things I STILL see you did WRONG

But I am not doing it because I don't want to argue.

But you seem to want us to

Me

Heh. No. You're going to continue to hurt me in ways you know I can't take.

BF

No, I won't?

Me

Yes, you will. That's the POINT.

BF

Um.

If I will, then so will you.

Miss I do whatever when I get hurt...

Me

You ALWAYS swear at me then turn around and say it will never happen again!

But look!

Every time!

BF

And every time

what?

YOU MESS UP A THOUSAND TIMES

QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU DO NOTHING WRONG

YOU DO MESS UP

YOU MESS UP A LOT

I said "F*ck you too then." BECAUSE IF YOU WOULD DO THAT

THAT'S A F*CK YOU TO ME?

That was ALL that happened and I said bull___. 3:

Me

No, you started swearing a whole lot before then and the ___ you too thing was so wrong of you. I didn't say ___ you! I didn't even imply it in any way! You're just looking for excuses to be able to talk to me that way!

BF

I'm not looking for excuses at all? Here is YOUR MIND, DOUBTS, BLAHBLAH CREATING THINGS FOR YOU. Have I said it was okay? Have I said that I wanted to? NO!

You need to read what I say and correctly.

I said "F*ck you too then." BECAUSE IF YOU WOULD DO THAT

THAT'S A F*CK YOU TO ME?

And again, all I said was bull___.

And the one time ___ you thing

Me

I'm finished with this conversation... .

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[123Phoebe]

Story goes, my bf and I were on the phone. I was driving home from the animal shelter after having had a look at the animals up for adoption. I started talking about how all the dogs were so cute and I wish I could have all the dogs in the world. He said, "It's me or the dogs. And I'm not joking." I got upset because he turned it into something it didn't need to be. My feelings got extremely hurt so I... .


Me

I'm finished with this conversation... .

Hey Salamander Rx,

Sorry you endured all of that yucky back and forth stuff

I'm wondering what would have happened had you ended the conversation at the first hint of it spiraling down the tubes?

"*sigh* boyfriend. I don't wish to discuss this right now.  I'm going to hang up.  I'll talk to you later."

Then give yourself a chance to get your own feet firmly planted on solid ground-- your reality.  Not drawn into this battle.

Think that would have helped?

[Salamander Rx]

Goodness no. x,x He would have been SO angry I hung up. You saw how he spam messaged me when I did. It would have been the same result maybe even worse if I had said I didn't want to discuss it and hung up.

[HopefulDad]

Goodness no. x,x He would have been SO angry I hung up. You saw how he spam messaged me when I did. It would have been the same result maybe even worse if I had said I didn't want to discuss it and hung up.

See through the FOG.  Stop fearing the rages, the interrogations, the nonsense.

[Wrongturn1]

Salamander,

What a crappy situation, and I think all of us nons have been there in some way.  I can understand about you not saying anything after his "I am not joking" statement.  Maybe if you could have immediately said something like "I want you AND all the dogs in the world", perhaps that would have averted the crisis... .however, it's just as likely that he would have invented something else to pick a fight over right after that.  Regardless, the way he treated you was abusive and wrong.

That was a long messaging string that you posted, and the thing that jumped out at me was that you engaged with his abuse and dysfunction for way too long.  After his first abusive message, it would have been healthier for you to just respond something along the lines of "I won't be spoken to this way - I will call you tomorrow afternoon when things are calmer."  And then ignore his ranting messages, texts, and phone calls.  Read the lesson on JADE also.

Do you not realize that YOU made up every single part of that conversation? Every single thing was conjured by your own doubts and issues. It had nothing to do with me.

This is a great observation.  My uBPDw does the same thing.  She will say "well you think xyz about me and that hurts me so much blah, blah, blah."  It's great to realize that so much of what they say during dysregulated episodes is really a monologue that they try to foist upon us nons as a dialogue.

[maryy16]

I've had this type of conversation with my H many, many times.  Your BF's messages could have been my H's messages.  My H would have reacted the same way.

First of all, everything he is complaining about is something he ASSUMED,  something his BPD mind turned into truth.  My H will do this... .he will says things like "well, that's what you meant" or "I know what you're really thinking". You can see that no matter what you say or how often you try to explain yourself, he basically says the same thing over and over again. (i.e. "you picked the dogs over me".  You cannot win or satisfy him.  You just can't because it's not based on reality. 

The most familiar to me in your argument was when he turned to the

"YOU MESS UP A THOUSAND TIMES

QUIT ACTING LIKE YOU DO NOTHING WRONG

YOU DO MESS UP

YOU MESS UP A LOT"

My H will go that direction when he can't get the answer he wants out of me.  He starts with vague accusations and when I ask for clarification as to all these horrible things I do, he will say something like "Well, if your too stupid to know what I'm talking about, then I'm not going to tell you". Just a 2 year old having a tantrum.

And it's very hard to joke around with my H too, even if he starts joking first.  I can completely relate to what happened here to you.  My H can joke around, but as soon as the joke gets turned to him (in a playful way), his insecurities get triggered and he gets insulted and the raging starts.  Classic "he can dish it out, but he can't take it" mentality.

My advice is to set boundaries and stick to them. I have learned after 30+ years with my H that he is going to rage no matter what you do, so you might as well take care of yourself. Maybe say something like "I will not listen to your insults anymore.  I am hanging up, but I will call you later this evening".  Yes, he will rage.  But he will rage even if you stay on the phone with him, so what's the difference?  At least you can get away for a while and give him a chance to calm down.

Good luck... .it's a learning process.