what to do in this crisis situation

[foggydew]

Not my breakup - or perhaps also. Friend has been getting on well with his girlfriend; they obviously are in love with each other. Today he surprisingly asked me to go with him to see her - she agreed and I did. It was nice at first, then she started talking about her depression and how she had to wait a long time for therapy. At some point he exploded and told all about his troubles at work. I tried to validate him too. She was a bit annoyed and felt disregarded. I tried to make sure both had time to talk and then left. Both hugged me. Afterwards she called me to say she had tried to talk to him about his alcohol problem, and he had thrown her key at her and left. She was concerned and not sure about his intentions, if he was feeling suicidal. I met him at the door (he lives in the same block of flats as I do) and he only said 'well done' and '... .off.'
I don't know what I am supposed to have done, and I am really concerned. I know she is very important to him, and I suppose this is the awful BPD rearing its head. I don't know what to do.

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[Meili]

  FD.

I'm sorry that things have gotten shaky there again.

There really isn't anything for you to do other than step back and let things play out while being supportive of your friend. Getting in the middle of it will likely end poorly for you. He's already shown you that he will project the problems onto you even if you have zero culpability.

[foggydew]

Thanks Meili! He came yesterday evening and talked to me very rationally, said I was not responsible for any of it but he is feeling more and more that he isn't important to his girlfriend. He isn't sure he wants to continue the relationship if he isn't important. TBH, there are certainly signs that she doesn't find him first priority, and she told me her friends are at least of equal importance. Probably triggering for BPD.
He seems pretty unemotional about it, surprisingly enough, and wants to continue with our plans for the weekend as if nothing emotional was going on. And yet only few days ago he couldn't take his eyes off her. Something positive that comes out of this for me is that I feel I really am important to him, something I badly need to keep my self confidence and feelings of security, as he is really the only person who contacts me on a regular basis. His girlfriend gives me the feeling of being welcome too - it would be sad if they really can't get on with each other. She also has a background that could point to similar diffiuculties - but I don't know her so well yet.
I'm happy that he seems to be able to pull himself together and cope - much better than in previous years. Let's see.

[Meili]

Hopefully he'll continue to improve.

I think that it's great that you are realizing that you are important to him even though he has his moments when he dysregulates.

How are you doing with you and the rest of your life though?