How can I constructively talk with my partner?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I'm new here! I've come to this forum because I've been struggling to figure out how to approach my SO of nearly 3 years (who has BPD, depression and PTSD) about some issues. Primarily, my problem is that I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unappreciated. I am the earner between the two of us and I do the majority of the housework. Some days they'll tell me that I'm wonderful and amazing; other times they'll tell me that I'm an immature baby and a brat, and I can't ever seem to tell what I'm doing that causes one reaction or the other. I've been trying my best to be gentle and supportive; I don't want to stifle the real progress that they've been making (they're now regularly going to therapy and almost consistently taking their medications). I'm afraid that if I bring up this issue more seriously, it will trigger another shame/guilt downward spiral and they'll think I hate them rather than improving the situation. I've been doing some introspection and I can tell that I'm starting to feel resentful, which is absolutely not what I want for either of us. I've felt a little disheartened asking for help with this because most of the advice has been "break up." This person is the love of my life and I want to make this work if at all possible.

Does anyone have advice about how to have a constructive conversation about this, or more broadly, is there's anything I should be doing differently or considering? I don't want to give them the impression that I'm attacking them or that I hate them.

[Antimony]

Hi, I'm new here! I've come to this forum because I've been struggling to figure out how to approach my SO of nearly 3 years (who has BPD, depression and PTSD) about some issues. Primarily, my problem is that I feel overwhelmed, exhausted, and unappreciated. I am the earner between the two of us and I do the majority of the housework. Some days they'll tell me that I'm wonderful and amazing; other times they'll tell me that I'm an immature baby and a brat, and I can't ever seem to tell what I'm doing that causes one reaction or the other. I've been trying my best to be gentle and supportive; I don't want to stifle the real progress that they've been making (they're now regularly going to therapy and almost consistently taking their medications). I'm afraid that if I bring up this issue more seriously, it will trigger another shame/guilt downward spiral and they'll think I hate them rather than improving the situation. I've been doing some introspection and I can tell that I'm starting to feel resentful, which is absolutely not what I want for either of us. I've felt a little disheartened asking for help with this because most of the advice has been "break up." This person is the love of my life and I want to make this work if at all possible.

Does anyone have advice about how to have a constructive conversation about this, or more broadly, is there's anything I should be doing differently or considering? I don't want to give them the impression that I'm attacking them or that I hate them.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[CHChuck]

My BPD partner makes me feel loved the way no one else can...when we are getting along. During those days, we share a closeness that is unmatched. For me, working with a therapist who specializes in PBD and reading a couple of great books have helped.

With my therapist, not only does he validating my feelings, he also models the type of communication I want to have with my spouse. I have been deliberate to really push back and, occasionally, disagree with him to learn how he communicates. With some of those skills internalized, we strategize for some of the more major conversations.

The books have helped me when the therapist is not around. Mostly, they validate my experience and provide a framework for the daily work I must do to avoid an episode. I find myself listening to several chapters of one of the books weekly (on 1.5 speed now) to center myself.

[WorksNeverDone]

Can you tell us any more about how you communicate currently?
My BPDw is very high functioning, so we can actually communicate fairly directly.  The biggest trigger for me to avoid even the slightest perception of blame throwing.  My BPDw's biggest trigger is feeling that she is, or she did something "wrong."
I try to find times where both of us are in an emotionally stable place before communicating about triggering topics.  I try to be very clear with pointing out that I know that her intentions in X situation were entirely pure.  I explain that my negative emotional response to the situation is based on some perception or wound that I built up/experienced and I am not condemning or judging her in any way.  I then go on to share my perception and emotional response.
As long as the emotions aren't running high in that moment, this usually paves a path for us to share/communicate our perceptions and to try and better understand the other person and how our individual behavior affects them.

[CHChuck]

My BPDw is very high functioning, so we can actually communicate fairly directly.  The biggest trigger for me to avoid even the slightest perception of blame throwing.  My BPDw's biggest trigger is feeling that she is, or she did something "wrong."
I try to find times where both of us are in an emotionally stable place before communicating about triggering topics.  I try to be very clear with pointing out that I know that her intentions in X situation were entirely pure.  I explain that my negative emotional response to the situation is based on some perception or wound that I built up/experienced and I am not condemning or judging her in any way.  I then go on to share my perception and emotional response.
As long as the emotions aren't running high in that moment, this usually paves a path for us to share/communicate our perceptions and to try and better understand the other person and how our individual behavior affects them.

First I want to say ... "Dude! You are awesome!" You describe the communication I am desperately seaking. I love the way you describing your negative emotions in the conversation. I'm adding your post to my set of note cards I read each morning to set my thinking right.

[WorksNeverDone]

Thank you for that affirmation, CHChuck!  It's taken a long time for us to get to this place.  Certainly not easy in such an emotionally volatile relationship.