Wow, it still carries on...

[mango_flower]

Not sure whether to laugh or cry!

My ex called this morning to chat about a bill we needed to get put into my name. Fine.

Two hours later she updated her facebook status saying she had booked her wedding to new girl and was all excited.

Then this evening I got a text asking how work had gone for me today - ummmmm ok.  I am now thinking something is up.

I replied it had been fine.

Then I got a phonecall.  I am now thinking errrrrr... .  do I answer? I did, in case it was about the bill we had spoken about that morning.

She rambled a bit sounding fine, and then mentioned she was away from her home (which she already shares with new girl) and that she had to go on a course for a job she starts in a few weeks (hurrah, maybe I'll get my money back?) and I asked how it was going.

Her answer - It was fine until they put me up in a hotel RIGHT OPPOSITE the one WE stayed in when we got engaged last year!

So, on the very day she booked her wedding to her new fiancee, not even 4 months after we split, she has to stay for a few days in a hotel and every morning, walk past the hotel we stayed in when we were so happy and both felt our lives were complete.

She was so upset and stressed that her new fiancee is driving down 3 hours tonight to make sure she is ok!  Which she then wrote about on facebook, saying what an awesome girlfriend she has... .  (though not saying why she was so upset).

I don't know quite how to take it.

I'm happy she is upset about it as it shows I did and maybe still do, mean something to her.  I still can't shake the belief that we were the real deal (she isn't as extreme BPD as some). 

I'm confused - why did she need to tell me that and mess my head up when I was doing so well?

I'm worried for her that she's still so messed up.

And lastly, I am kind of glad her new gf is seeing the craziness already!   And seeing how needy she is... .  and she's doing EXACTLY what I did for the year we were together - dashing in to save her!  It's like the same script, to a tee. 

I find it interesting that as soon as she is confronted with a memory of me, she needs her new girl there, to make her forget.

Anyway.  Yeah. Not even sure why I'm writing this to be honest!  Just getting it out there.  Trying to make some sense of it (not sure there is any)

 

[mango_flower]

I woke up feeling horrible this morning.  Haven't felt this anxious for ages.

So many conflicting feelings!

Happy that she still cares which is why it upset her going back to the town we got engaged in.

Guilty that I took that happiness away from her when I wanted to postpone the wedding

Helpless that I am not the one to rush in and "save" her this time - her new girlfriend/fiancee is

Scared that she will NEVER be ok and she is getting worse and MORE emotional as time goes on

Relieved that I am no longer the one who has to deal with her emotional instability

Slightly smug that she's not as happy as she makes out

Ashamed I feel smug

Wishing she could find happiness in herself, and not rely on other people to rescue her

Sad that there is such evil of BPD in this world, making "my sweet girl feel" so unsafe and scared

Unsettled because it was nice talking to her last night once she had gotten over her initial wobble

Sad she's no longer mine

Relieved she's no longer mine

Incredulous that her new girlfriend is already rushing in to save her, thinking she's being romantic... .  

But most of all, I have realised that I would rather she is happy than sad (as in, I am getting over the bitterness) but I just feel a deep sense of sadness that she will never be "Ok" and never feel safe.

I hate BPD - it causes so much turmoil. I'd hate to live like that. I feel guilty I can walk away from it, and she can't.

Just so confused.

[freshlySane]

one thing your not alone remember i sent my ex the email :"i know im the last person you want to hear from but im here listening to music thinking of you the good times and bad i can not deny i miss you but i just want to say i still love you and im wishing you all the best ... .  youll always be my million dollar girl your a beautiful dove who is meant to fly so soar far beautiful."

last night at 12:44 am she responded :'i know someone that loved to watch me dance to "million dollar girl" ... .  tell that person that i said he has crossed my thoughts in positive ways as well. I wish him all the best too".

turned me for a tail spin her twitter hours from this response "Spoke to him ---- dreaming on earth" her new bf is on deployment

my heart sunk so cordial and nice to me but i was the most horrible thing to her in the world cursed me had me arrested last we spoke she told me she could never be proud of me and she hated me. It bothered me re question the entire r/s blaming myself again i got to say i did this to myself opening wounds and throwing salt in them. so hurt so confused its all just turmoil indeed . just wanted to say your not alone.