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Romantic Relationship | Bettering a Relationship or Reversing a Breakup
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Push/Pull 3
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Topic: Push/Pull 3 (Read 569 times)
Supertrouper
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 236
Push/Pull 3
«
on:
July 14, 2019, 03:41:26 PM »
It was his birthday today, so i sent him a Happy Birthday text. I called him this evening to see how he was and he seemed only to be about 50% of his normal miserable self.
He asked why did i send him a happy birthday text! Because it was his birthday and you normally say it. Then he said im surprised you remembered. Again, why would i.
I changed the conversation and asked how everything was going. We talked a bit about stuff and how he is working very hard. He then changed the conversation and asked when i was going to Amsterdam with my friend. I said 26-29th. He goes back to work on the 29th. It is bad timing really because his work schedule changed and he should have been away till the 29th, so my holiday with my friend shouldnt have impacted our time together, but that unfortunately hasnt happened. He is back on the 22nd, so again we only have a few days to catch up. I had said previously that i had the 23rd off, so i reminded him about it and if he wanted to do something that day, then we could. He responded that he was going out with a friend that day. I said ok, but if your plans change, i am free.
Then i asked again about our plans for a holiday. Again he said that he was unsure about the time and just said, maybe you should go with someone else. I replied that i would prefer to go with him. He never said anything else.
We chitchatted some more. He was ok but just very tired.
Im not sure but i get the gut feeling that i will be made to feel guilty about this trip with my friend as it is in ‘our time’ together. It was not the plan though and i am trying to arrange things so that we can spend other times together, but he is being resistant. I know it is about me ‘abandoning’ him for my friend in his perception and i know he will feel abandoned. Any ideas how i can reduce that fear for him, if at all, if you know what i mean.
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Supertrouper
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #1 on:
July 16, 2019, 03:55:42 AM »
Ive been thinking about this. Looking at the facts, well me anyway, i asked him if he minded me going away and he said no. I booked it at a time that he would be away, so not impacting our time. His work schedule changed so now he will be home. I dont think its just the fact that im going away with my friend, he knows his work schedule has changed, which technically involves him, and he cant have that fact involved because it would look like he would be in the wrong.Its not, its circumstances. Now ive got my head around that and knoeing he will feel rejected/abandoned, i can try and sort the situation.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #2 on:
July 16, 2019, 02:54:38 PM »
Hi, just called bpdbf. He is still annoyed about me going away with my friend, not because he doesnt want me to go with her, its because i didnt consult him about when i was going. I agreed with him that i could see it from his point of view and that i didnt consult him when, however, i was careful to book it at a time when he would not be home, because of our time together. But his work schedule changed. I tried to tell the truth of this after validating his feelings, but apparently my opinion counted for nothing and i was still wrong. So now, when he comes back next week, he said he is not going to make any effort to see me before i go on holiday as he is away monday. He is out with his friend on tues, and has wed or thu, but hes not going to make any effort. Yes im bring punished. I said alright then to him, but i am upset about it.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #3 on:
July 16, 2019, 03:57:02 PM »
Ive just had a bath to just try and calm myself down, yes im feeling slightly angry that im being made to feel guilty.
Anyway, while i was in the bath, I remembered a bit of the conversation we had. At the beginning after a chat i said that I understood that he was annoyed that i was going on holiday. Now he said, that he wasnt annoyed that i was going away. So i asked him what he was annoyed at then. Ive just realised that he didnt answer but asked me why i thought he was annoyed. So i said because i hadnt told him when i was booking it for and that we wouldnt have time together. I gather that was to see if i had been listening. BUT, i dont think it is for those reasons at all. He just doesnt want me to go with my friend because when i asked about doing something in august when he is back, so that we could consult etc, which he is annoyed about, he just said, oh well you’ll probably book to go to athens with someone else anyway. So i think that is the main reason and he had to ask me why i thought he was annoyed, because he couldn’t think of another reason because hed already denied the truth, ie his fear of being abandoned. Im trying very hard to stay calm.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #4 on:
July 17, 2019, 02:20:41 AM »
My head hurts. I can seperate his feelings of rejection over this from the passive aggressive behaviour of withholding connection between us. My head hurts because im conflicted about what to do next. My first instinct was to just give him the silent treatment, but that’s not me. My next instinct was to shout/text that i will not be emotionally punished for doing something he didnt like, but im too angry to do that and it would end up badly, so i didnt. So i am taking some space. I get his feelings of rejection/abandonment, i do but my life and what i choose to do in it cannot be punished because he feels these feelings. My boundary is no controlling behaviour. My head hurts because i cant think of any way to put this boundary in place, other than to leave.
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isilme
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #5 on:
July 17, 2019, 10:29:47 AM »
Excerpt
My head hurts because i cant think of any way to put this boundary in place, other than to leave.
Pretty much sums it up.
Even in the best of moods, he would dysregulate over the shift change upsetting the plan for the trip as far as he's concerned. I'm pretty sure in his heart of hearts, you should have changed all your plans to adjust to his new schedule and the lack of doing so means you hate him and don't care.
I'd drop it, I think. You're going. He's not going to like it. Taking more won't change it.
Be sure to tell him how much you missed him when you get back, and that you'd love to plan your own holiday together but he needs to give you input or it can never happen.
I know this sucks. I find it hard to enjoy any time with my friends knowing that I may come home to someone sulking, or that within a week it will be thrown at me as some sort of betrayal, some evidence I don't care about him. And, he even tries to use a planned club meeting as punishment. I am trying to work past this by simply grey-rocking whether I go or not. he's jealous I am working to make friends, partly because he's not worked to make quality friends for himself and I've encouraged him to let go of freeloaders who just took advantage of him.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #6 on:
July 17, 2019, 12:37:10 PM »
Thanks for replying isilme. I know he wont like me going, even though he says he doesn’t mind, his actions speak louder than his words. I am still going and i will have fun with my friend. My friends are important because they give me a normal sane part of my life as does my family, without them, i think i really would be in a very isolated place, especially as he works away a lot.
Im just going to have to let it go next week, if he doesn’t want to see me, that is up to him, i will get ready for my trip,and i will say i missed him when i return.
He keeps saying weve not got much further over 6 years. We haven’t and i think a lot of it is because i did not have a clue to start with how to deal with bpd let alone know he could have it, so it took a while for me to get info. I believe that we havent moved forward much together because of these constant episodes, its like you go backwards every time. I personally have improved a great deal over the last six years, financially, educationally, emotionally, sorting out the house and my teenage children, my budiness. As for my bpd bf, apart from his more secure job, which is very tiring but a great job, i am struggling to think how he has moved forward from when i met him, his house is more of a state now than six years ago, he hasnt been anywhere, yes im struggling. Thats the main reason i wish we could do a holiday because we would both like to travel more and it would be good to do it together.
Anyway, ive had a good day. Im still too annoyed to say hello to him even and i only called yesterday, so i will leave it another couple of days as normal.
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Supertrouper
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #7 on:
July 18, 2019, 05:21:43 PM »
I texted him today and he called and he was ok, better mood, tired but better mood. We had general chitchat, no mention of holidays, friends, nothing about what was spoken about on tues, it was like nothing was said and it was forgotten. He was ok but just asked me to call him on Monday when he gets home.
How long the better mood will last, im not sure.
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Supertrouper
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #8 on:
July 22, 2019, 02:16:29 PM »
Well i think the mood is here to stay.
I texted him earlier to see if hed had a good journey home. His reply ‘tired, old, fat, knackered and hot x’ . Ok then. I just said id call him later. So i just called him and he said, ‘hi, what do you want’. I said to say hello, and he just said im tired and hot. So i think hes tired, hot and bothered which is obviously irritating him. He told me to call him after id cooked dinner.
I doubt very much i will see him this week as he is in a irritated mood. Im glad im going away.
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Supertrouper
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #9 on:
July 22, 2019, 03:38:59 PM »
Hi, just called him back and he seemed in a better mood.
He told me he was going out with his friends tomorrow and then he said he was going to kent on weds and coming back thurs. So looks like i wont be seeing him at all as i go away Fri. Did he tell me he was going to kent before he booked it- NO. Did i tell him or indeed ask him if he minded me going away with my friends before i booked it- YES. Did i get grief for it -YES. Did he get grief for it -NO. In his roundabout way, he has got some payback, he knows i asked to see him before i went, and he has made sure he isn’t available, his passive-aggressiveness. What did i say? I wished that hed have a nice time with his friends tomorrow and that i hope his trip to Kent is worthwhile.
His trip to Kent is for him to buy a £7000 watch. Impulsive spending, yes. Does he need it, i did ask, no he doesn’t he just wants it. Meanwhile, his house, which has been in desperate need for a makeover and could have done with that money, gets put on the back burner again. Never mind, not my concern, not my money, not my house. And he says i spend lots of money.
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Supertrouper
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #10 on:
July 23, 2019, 05:43:40 PM »
Im struggling to know what to do.
He apparently had a lovely day with his friends and was having a lovely evening. To be honest i had a lovely day as well but i didnt get asked. I got moaned at for texting and calling, once each only. Then he just talked about his watch, which from what he has said today, he probably wont buy, he probably wont even go tomorrow.
I am angry that he is not making any effort for connection at all, but i am not voicing it, i dont even get the chance, the phone calls are all about him, this blooming watch and then he says can he go now. I think if I start to say anything and i do want to yell at him for being such a xxxx about his behaviour, he wouldn’t listen anyway.
Im trying to stay strong but i am feeling a bit dejected.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #11 on:
July 23, 2019, 05:55:37 PM »
I do know, that his behaviour is him trying to hurt/punish me. It is working to a point, im trying to keep strong, but what can i do to stop it, as at the moment i am just letting him get on with what he is doing. Im not sure how to put a boundary or something here to stop it. Is my ignoring his punishing/ hurting behaviour and letting him get on with his life as he wants at the moment and me getting on with mine a boundary, it doesn’t feel like it.
Any ideas?
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #12 on:
July 24, 2019, 03:14:45 PM »
Hi, i wished him well this morning and hoped that he would have a worthwhile day, he texted back and hoped that i would have a good day too.
Now it seems im getting the silent treatment. Ive texted him to see how he got on, he read the text, and didn’t reply. So i left it a couple of hours, i texted him and asked if he was ok, he read it again, and i didnt get a reply.
Im not sure what is going on, but the silent treatment gets on my nerves. Its rude, disrespectful and abusive.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #13 on:
July 24, 2019, 04:03:12 PM »
Apparently im getting the silent treatment because im going on holiday with my friend and apparently i keep calling him because i feel guilty about it. I did not validate that. I used SET but he wasnt having it. So he wanted some peace.
So i texted ‘ive missed you over the last 6 weeks, so have you thought that might be why i am calling you, because you are at home. Also, im sorry that your annoyed that im going away with my friend while youre at home, and i would feel the same, but the truth is it was not booked purposefully for when you were at home. I would love to go on holiday with you but without any input from you, that will never happen. ‘
Im fuming. But do you know what, im going to have a fantastic holiday. I am not going to be made to feel guilty about something i havent done, thats abuse.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #14 on:
July 24, 2019, 04:47:05 PM »
I was so annoyed so i just texted ‘so how long is the silent treatment going to last this time’.
Yes i was annoyed, the silent treatment is so annoying. I didnt expect a response but he called back. I think i must have triggered his abandonment fear with that text, unknowingly.
Anyway, i got the usual blame, i don’t compromise, i don’t listen. The usual stuff, mostly my fault, and that we had a good opportunity here. I just said give me something to compromise with, he just said he had in the past. I cannot think of anything.
Also, the SET tool i used about the holiday worked in a weird way with him. Because i said, that i would feel the same way, he took that as an admission of guilt. I said nothing. Did i use SET wrong, or does it not work with him?
Im going to leave him alone and give him space.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #15 on:
July 25, 2019, 02:53:55 AM »
So ive read the article about FOG, which is what my bpdbf has been trying to do. Interesting.
He said yesterday that i was calling him every day because i felt guilty about going away. The demand that i admit im guilty.
I strongly said that i did not feel guilty about anything at all, i had done nothing to make me feel guilty. The resistance from me for trying to be made to feel guilty.
He then said, dont call me anymore and put the phone down. The pressure and threats because i wasnt admitting guilt.
Now the fourth step of compliance. I called him back and asked him not to put the phone down. I did not admit to being guilty and wont, so i did not comply here but he twisted what i said using the SET tools to look like an admission of guilt, so therefore inducing the fourth step. I just gave up then as reality kicked in and made me realise it was pointless continuing to say anything. So i just listened at that point.
To him that would look like he has ‘won’ by using his bad controlling behaviour and he will do it again.
I know he is upset about me going but his behaviour will not stop me going. I think he is trying to project his own guilt onto me ( the fact he knows somewhere deep in his brain, that it is his work plans that have messed this week up) but got more angry because i was taking the guilt, so he had to twist it so much to make sure i did.
I used some of the steps in changing my response to controlling behaviour, like by asking him for some input, or giving me something to compromise with, but he just took that as me blaming him.
I dont do emotional blackmail, giving it or receiving it. I need to look at how i can stop it.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #16 on:
July 25, 2019, 01:48:48 PM »
Im been thinking about bpdbf most of the day, trying to seperate the person from the behaviour and not take it personally. Im just numb really, not sure what to think.
To top the day off the flight has been cancelled tomorrow so we cant go till Saturday, so 1.5 days less to look around. Also, ive got to go on two planes to get there instead of one. Im not a good flyer, but i make myself do it, but i am slightly anxious about dealing with two flights.
This has been a hassle this holiday from all sides. The friend who i am going with, who has not helped to book this holiday and has just left everything for me to sort out, whinged like mad about the cancelled flights. I didnt whinge at all and im the one who had to rearrange everything. I need people to stop relying on me so much, i think.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #17 on:
July 26, 2019, 08:00:57 AM »
As i have an unexpected free day, thought i would get on with the garden. Texted bpdbf this morning and told him i was having a day in the garden because the flight had been cancelled.
He called back straight away and asked what had happened. Then he started going on how this holiday had been a disaster, ie id booked it when he was at home, i should have gone from a different airports, me and my friend couldn’t organise anything properly. I never said anything, what was the point, hed already made his mind up.
So he said i will maybe see you in august. I said why august. He said because ive got to work. I think deep down he knows his work has got in the way but he couldn’t admit that. Tbh if i dont see him in august because he still refuses to see me, then i wont carry on with the relationship.
I asked him what he was doing today, he said nothing. He never mentioned to see him, so i just got on with the garden and will sort out everything for our delayed trip.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #18 on:
July 26, 2019, 03:02:23 PM »
Texting bpdbf and he was being off again. So i just texted ‘are you going to continue to be passive aggressive and punish me’.
He texted ‘im fed up of not being important to you’. So i used SET in my response. He called then. Apparently he isnt being passive aggressive, but he is, he just doesn’t recognise it. He kept saying how i put everyone else above him, this last incident, where i booked a holiday when he was at home, i didnt, but his bpd is making him twist the facts so that he does think that. I did not JADE, i just listened. He is fed up of being second best, he is not though, and no amount of trying to persuade him will change his mind, because that part of his brain that would have taken in the FACT that i did not book a holiday when he was home and it was his work schedule that changed, is missing, and so his brain is not processing it or blocking it.
Again we had all the blame and criticism then he just said i gind this really draining, so id like to go back to my beer. Being emotional is draining, im not so emotional now, so im not drained, but it is not nice. So we said goodnight.
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Supertrouper
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #19 on:
July 29, 2019, 01:41:42 PM »
Well i had a lovely break, Amsterdam is very vibrant and pleasant. Although i dont think my friend was expecting so much walking, she whinged a lot about that. But we had a good time.
So i came back today and texted bpdbf as i said i would and said i was back and that id missed not seeing him.
He called back, and told me that he had hurt his back and that he was off work till next week. Its a reoccurring problem, i think slightly stress related as well. Anyway, he asked if id had a nice time, so i told him yes. So we had a chat about that. I told him id bought some cheese back if he wanted to share it. He then said i dont want to share anything with you. Im not happy with you because you booked a holiday on the only week i was home. You all know i didnt know he was going to be home. He also said I probably wont see you till january, and i asked why, he said because he would probably be working. I could have taken that anyway but I’ll take it as him seeing his work did get in the way, this time. He also informed me that he is going to do what i do, and that is be selfish and look after himself. I dont do that either. I didnt JADE. I think he was waiting for me too though.
What to do from here. He wasnt grumpy, his tone was ok. Im just amazed how they twist reality and facts to fit their reality. I know he will have told his pub acquaintances that im such a horrible person and went on holiday when he was at home as well, playing the victim. Its strange for me because i know the facts, and he is trying to change them in my mind. It wont work because i know them. How long he will continue with this i dont know. I will just get on with my stuff.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #20 on:
July 30, 2019, 05:30:30 PM »
Ok.
So I texted him this morning to see if he was ok, as he had a bad back and in the past it has been bad. He just texted back that he was immobile and could weep! So he was in pain. I was at work so I just said that's not good and to take it easy. I checked with him at lunchtime and he had been to the pub, so he had a t least walked that far.
Anyway, I called him this evening after dinner and he was in a lot of pain. I asked if he wanted me to bring anything over and he said no. I didn't ask again. He was a bit down and we had a short conversation. I called him again later and he had managed to walk to the pub again. He then whinged and criticised and projected and all the splitting stuff. He said he didn't want my help because I had NEVER given it. Untrue. I didn't JADE once, just listened. Then i said I would bid him goodnight and said goodbye, the conversation was not going anywhere.
Ten minutes later, while I was doing something on the computer, he called and he apologised for having a go at me earlier. I was taken aback by that but said thank you. What he said next was different and Im not sure how to take it yet.
He said he was fed up of being second best to my friends (his perception, not truth) still projected a bit. But also he said that he knew that I had a good side and that he wanted to start again by just being friends without the romantic intimate stuff and that might come later, as he didnt feel that close to me like that. I dont think he meant by giving up the relationship but going back to how we started by actually enjoying each others company and doing stuff for each other and together and 'liking' each other again and then the romantic bit can come later. Apparently he was fed up of being in the pub on his own and spending time on his own. It was his choice. He also said that he was also that fed up that he had contemplated selling up and just leaving the area and then tried to make me feel guilty that it would then be my fault. So overall it was a third apology/third having a go at me again and a third an idea of going forward.
Im not sure if it was the checking up on him today that changed his black thinking to some kind of white thinking, but it helped. I said I would talk to him tomorrow about what he said. Im not sure of what he really meant, other than that he doesnt want to not be together, it was a bit of a mixed message, and it would be up to me what happened. Something that we will have to talk about tomorrow, but then again he may be thinking differently again tomorrow. Will update tomorrow.
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Supertrouper
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Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #21 on:
August 03, 2019, 11:14:03 AM »
Well, no conversation has occurred yet. He has reiterated twice that we need to talk about our relationship and that he wants me in his life but that is as far as it gets. During the week i have contacted him every day as he has been in pain and he has called back, projected, whinged, criticised, blamed and then he has called back again and apologised for whinging etc. I havent really been affected by his whinging, ive just taken it that he is in a negative place and ive just left him to it, not jading, not really saying anything, just listening.
Anyway, he was having another treatment today and i asked him if he felt better, which he did. He talked about his leg, back and work and that was it. Nothing else. Didnt ask me a thing, so still in selfish mode. So its saturday night, he keeps moaning how he doesnt like being on his own in the pub, but hasnt asked if id like to join him. I wouldnt have minded joining him, but while he is in selfish mode, i wont even ask, and as it is usually me chasing him to come forward which gives him control to say yes or no, which is fine eitherway, ive decided not to go down that route. So im going out with my friends, those ones who are there when he is not.
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Supertrouper
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Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #22 on:
August 04, 2019, 01:43:48 PM »
I went and had a good time with my friends. Today, i had got my plans to get on with the garden. Bpdbf called up and asked if i would like to meet him for a drink this afternoon, apparently he was being nice because he thought my children had annoyed me, they had, but not much. Anyway, i went and met, and took some cheese id brought back from my holiday, with crackers and plum chutney. We enjoyed them. He asked if he could have some to share with his ‘favourite friend’ at the moment, she is a nice lady, and runs the pub he frequents. So i gave him some. We went into the pub and he said to her that he had bought the cheese, when I protested that i had bought it, he protested that he had brought it. Yeah, i left it.
Anyway, as he has a bad back, and he is walking funny, I literally laid a finger on him, and he acted like a drama queen, like i was giving him a massive squeeze. Anyway, the people next to me just turned round and mouthed ‘bless you’ and gave me a hug. I should say they have had to put up with his whinging more than me this two weeks, but i dont want to be pitied.
We had a good afternoon but apparently im still in the dog house for going away but we can do this again next week.
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Supertrouper
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #23 on:
August 06, 2019, 06:23:52 PM »
I had a good day. I came home and texted bpdbf and he told ne about his day, he asked about mine, which i said thank you, i like it when you do that. He just said, i know you do but i dont really want to hear about it. I said, it would be nice if you tried, and anyway i have to listen to you (which is much longer). That stumped him, there was a few seconds of silence until he could find an answer and he just said, well i dont like telling you about my day anyway. Considering he kept talking for ages, i took that as untrue.
Anyway, i got on with my evening then he rang again at 10. He had been drinking and the conversation started ok but then it changed. He kept going on about us starting off as friends again, how i had to compromise and go his way, i had to try and change, going round in a circular discussion. I kept pointing out that WE need to do things, but he kept putting it back to me. He kept saying, you can either try, and he doesn’t think i can, or we can just be apart. He wasnt in the frame of mind to listen to my reasoning, apart from when I said actions speak louder than words and we should do stuff together. He suggested something, i said lets do that then, then he backtracked.
Numerous times, he said, i had a choice, either i could make compromises and change and it would be hard but to make us a priority or i could choose my friends and he would walk away. Oh dear, i knew this would come at sometime, nasty narssicist, trying to get me to choose between him and my friends. . I know he was trying to push my buttons, which is why he kept saying it but all i said was ‘i would make us a priority over my friends’. This did not mean i would give them up, there will have to be a boundary in place there, a specific day or something. However, he didnt believe me. I just got drained and tired after listening to an hour of that. Exhausted.
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ColdKnight
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Gender:
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 294
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #24 on:
August 08, 2019, 05:43:23 AM »
So in a relationship with a non pwBPD at face value I would say you are calling and texting too much. I hate to use the word “smothering” but it kind of seems that way...BUT
I understand because when I first concluded that my gf had BPD I started reading all I could about it and an article I read said the you should “over communicate” with pwBPD. In essence too much communication is always better.
So I tried that. It didn’t work. She got mad at me because I was with a buddy on a night she texted me out of the blue to come see her. She gave me the silent treatment for five days after that. Each day I sent sweet messages like “I’m still here for you” or “miss you” and nothing for five days and when she finally did respond it was luke warm.
On the other hand a couple of times I went for five days without talking or texting but I was always the one to reach out.
The first time after five days she responded very enthusiastically and the next time after five it was very business like and we got into a text fight that night because that morning I asked to see her and after 11 hours of no response I called her out on it via text and she blew up at me and said she was busy at work and “just now” read the text that I wanted to see her. She loves to use the silent treatment.
So in a nutshell...I have no clue what you should do. I’ve tried both and sometimes something works and others nothing works. I think it all depends on what color socks she is wearing that day
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Supertrouper
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #25 on:
August 08, 2019, 08:03:23 AM »
It is a fine balance because if i dont text/call him most days, he complains about that.
So i text/call him daily, just to see how his day went etc. If he says he will call on such a day, i will leave it till that day and if he hasnt texted/called by the end of the day, i will. When he calls/texts back without any prompting i know he is in a good mood, if he doesnt, i know he is giving me the silent treatment and is not in a good place.
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Supertrouper
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #26 on:
August 09, 2019, 12:25:16 PM »
This is one way that bpds get validation.
Ive told my bpdbf and so has his psychologist friend that he is passive aggressive. So i jokingly said why didnt he ask his friend what it meant because my bpdbf thinks i cause it. I may give him the trigger, unknowingly, but i do not cause the actual behaviour.
So he asks his friend, ‘can someone cause someone to be passive aggressive’. According to my bpdbf, he said yes. Now whether or not there was any elaboration on that, or indeed my bpdbf asked anything else, im not sure. However, now i am apparently the cause of all and how he behaves, and i am not self aware. Not helpful.
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Supertrouper
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What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Posts: 236
Re: Push/Pull 3
«
Reply #27 on:
August 11, 2019, 04:26:20 AM »
Hi, on fri evening, i just listened and he just talked. I validated and got clarification when i needed it, but i just listened. He had some valid points but a lot of it was projection, blaming etc. He talked like this for a good couple of hours, he didn’t rage, just talked. My head was hurting after that. I went home.
Now he is still in the ‘friend’ zone, but he is initiating contact. He came round for coffee sat morning and then invited me out fir the evening. The ‘friend’ zone is a part of his cycle, i have been here before. Usually though, i have moaned, raised my voice, to his behaviour, this time im not, im just accepting the stage he is at, meeting him and having a good time, but also not being pushy and im getting on with my life.
Sat evening, we talked more, but this time we both got to talk. He was telling me what he needed me to address and change, mainly to prioritise him, after my children obviously and to compromise. I then said what are you going to change. He asked me what i thought he needed to address. I just said i wanted him to address his anxiety. He said is that all. I never said anything else, one step at a time. He then said he knew he was anxious and he had thought about seeing a counsellor. He admitted he may not have gotten over his dads death a couple of years ago. I then asked if he thought there was anything else. He then said or whispered even that he needed to talk about how depressed he was. He whispered it like he was ashamed of it. We were disturbed then by others but we had a good conversation.
We are both doing our own things today and i will catch up with him later.
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