Do they lie about our friends to cause problems?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

uBPDh was on a tirade last night about how I don't trust him and how I believed it when my best friend told me uBPDh has been smoking pot with his best friend... .considering my BF has been hanging out with his BF, I figured it to be true, ALSO considering uBPDh has a pill issue, as well... .hand in hand, I figured.  Then, he goes on to tell me these things my BF supposedly said to him about me and I have to wonder how much is twisted BPD and how much is lies, because it's not the story my BF is telling me when I confronted her.  Threads of truth, but spun in his favor, it seems... .

Is he trying to distance us?  Get me mad at her thinking I won't ask her about it?  She is my other half in this world, I would chose her over him if it came down to it.  My BF of 17 years... .I think she has earned that right.

[wishfulthinking]

uBPDh was on a tirade last night about how I don't trust him and how I believed it when my best friend told me uBPDh has been smoking pot with his best friend... .considering my BF has been hanging out with his BF, I figured it to be true, ALSO considering uBPDh has a pill issue, as well... .hand in hand, I figured.  Then, he goes on to tell me these things my BF supposedly said to him about me and I have to wonder how much is twisted BPD and how much is lies, because it's not the story my BF is telling me when I confronted her.  Threads of truth, but spun in his favor, it seems... .

Is he trying to distance us?  Get me mad at her thinking I won't ask her about it?  She is my other half in this world, I would chose her over him if it came down to it.  My BF of 17 years... .I think she has earned that right.

[Ironmanrises]

uBPDh was on a tirade last night about how I don't trust him and how I believed it when my best friend told me uBPDh has been smoking pot with his best friend... .considering my BF has been hanging out with his BF, I figured it to be true, ALSO considering uBPDh has a pill issue, as well... .hand in hand, I figured.  Then, he goes on to tell me these things my BF supposedly said to him about me and I have to wonder how much is twisted BPD and how much is lies, because it's not the story my BF is telling me when I confronted her.  Threads of truth, but spun in his favor, it seems... .

Is he trying to distance us?  Get me mad at her thinking I won't ask her about it?  She is my other half in this world, I would chose her over him if it came down to it.  My BF of 17 years... .I think she has earned that right.

In bold.

Your answer is in that.

I think it is part of the isolation process they try and instill on the non.

Divide and conquer.

[mitchell16]

I think ironmanfalls is on the money with this. Mine did the same thing. She met my bestfirend for a whole 30 seconds. and later that night she told me how he was wanted her sexually. She said she read it in his eyes. Then she would always put him down to me and once even told me if I would put a tape recorder her i would see what he was all about. She did the same with my brother, told me while I was outside one day that he made advances towards her. She put down all my co-workers and told me my female best friend was a whore and that her friendship wasnt good for our relationship. if made close friends with any of her friends she mad them feel so bad about it that never would never speak to me again.

So I agree is just to isolate from any support, or anything that cant control which helps them further control you.

[Aussie0zborn]

Get them altogether in one room to discuss and you will soon see what's going on.

[Learning2Thrive]

In my personal experience and from what I've read... .

They can and will lie or twist anything to their favor if it fits THEIR NEEDS or THEIR DESIRES. 

Mine was a master at using just enough truth... .and I was so damn busy running around trying to please her and work, work, WORKING that it took me WAY to long to figure out the lies.  I'm still finding them as I look back from time to time.

Hang in there.  It's not easy.

[GreenMango]

Get them altogether in one room to discuss and you will soon see what's going on.

That's what I'm talking about! 

If only transparency was an option with an addict.  Sheesh.

Lost I've read most of your posts - the self medicating theme or drugs is so prevalent.  People actively trying to maintain the addiction aren't known for honesty. 

I just love the old game of deflection switch-a-roo.

It's best to hold on to the facts that you know and not let his "reality" cloud yours.  You've seen it - that's enough.

[wishfulthinking]

Greenmango check this out. I get a "pleading desperate" text today while I'm at work about how he MISCALCULATED the supplies needed for his job by about $80... .I told him I don't have it because I'm still waiting on my paper check from work since direct deposit isn't working yet due to short notice... .if you saw my banking issue, you know why... .

Anyway, he texted me: U should have ur paycheck    its the second of the month with or without dirrect deposite         ANYWAYS      see u in a bit

I told him I'm still waiting, they have to print and mail it. Sorry.

So I'm suspicious, of course, and start looking around and what do I find? He picked up his script from Walgreens for his pain killers that total $78.97... .hmmmm... .know what's worse? The hydrocodone bottle is empty... .36 in a bottle. I called walgreens and they told me he picked them up today but wouldn't tell me what time... .

[Trick1004]

My ex didn't have a whole lot of interaction with my friends. She was convinced that none of them liked her. None of them had any problem with her but she was always on her best behavior the few times she did interact with them, must have been extremely stressful for her. I think she was worried they would see through her mask and try and knock some sense into me.

On the flip side of the coin though, me and the ex were out at a bar drinking with a very old close friend of mine and his girlfriend. I guess I went to the bathroom or to smoke, but the whole time I was gone she was talking trash about me to them. Needless to say my buddy was shocked. His girlfriend convinced him not to say anything to me at the time, but after the breakup he let me know what happened.

[GreenMango]

$78.97... .hmmmm... .know what's worse? The hydrocodone bottle is empty... .36 in a bottle. I called walgreens and they told me he picked them up today but wouldn't tell me what time... .

Round up - $80.  Someone with an addiction can get really pissed when they are trying to get at their stuff right?

It's a good idea to close down his access to your accounts.  If you have to use the checks in the snail mail then so be it.  Just keep abreast of your safety plan because he seems real volatile when he's needing to get his fix.

He's not going to admit it.  :)eny deflect and blame.  Friends you and others.  Shoot he had a dealer come to your house and trying to collect - and spun some BS story about

Lost have you thought about al anon?  

If someone has BPD and they have an addicition -watch out- the addiction is first priority.  Sobriety is required for most treatments.  :)ouble the problems.

[DragoN]

In my personal experience and from what I've read... .

They can and will lie or twist anything to their favor if it fits THEIR NEEDS or THEIR DESIRES. 

Mine was a master at using just enough truth... .and I was so damn busy running around trying to please her and work, work, WORKING that it took me WAY to long to figure out the lies.  I'm still finding them as I look back from time to time.

Hang in there.  It's not easy.

This ...

Quote from: Aussie0zborn on Yesterday at 01:53:39 PM

Get them altogether in one room to discuss and you will soon see what's going on.

... and this.

Of course, your pwBPD will make it impossible to ever get anyone in a single room to discuss anything. Should you bring it up? Watch the dance of denial.

[wishfulthinking]

GreenMango... .exactly on the $80 and the hostility for a fix.  Funny how he was all nice last night and not a mention of still needing money for his "job".

Silentium, I do need to do this.  Since I'm leaning towards ending things anyway, I might as well, right?

[DragoN]

Lostinparadise,

For your own peace of mind, and your long standing friendship with your BF and based on the brevity of your marriage and the chaos, it would not be such a bad idea. And that is for your own sense of closure. The situation itself? I am pretty certain would be really unpleasant no matter what you do. It also comes down to the question of ultimately, who do you trust? I would trust my BF of 17 years over the recent marriage to someone whom you have caught in many lies already.

There is not a singular correct answer to such a situation, I would surmise, but one that you would need to know is what you can live with.

Is he trying to distance us?  Get me mad at her thinking I won't ask her about it?  She is my other half in this world, I would chose her over him if it came down to it.  My BF of 17 years... .I think she has earned that right.

Answers your question I think. Is it not sad that that position should be held by the one we are most intimate with? Took vows? Of course, with a pwBPD, this is not ever the case.

[wishfulthinking]

Is he trying to distance us?  Get me mad at her thinking I won't ask her about it?  She is my other half in this world, I would chose her over him if it came down to it.  My BF of 17 years... .I think she has earned that right.

Answers your question I think. Is it not sad that that position should be held by the one we are most intimate with? Took vows? Of course, with a pwBPD, this is not ever the case. [/quote]
Hoping I do the quote thing right... ..

Yes, I thought he was my spousal soul mate when I married him, but he has proven otherwise, so he has stepped down in how I feel about him and what I can trust him with... .this does not make me feel he is my other half and so she has retained that right.  You make a good point, though I don't want to seem heartless and like I didn't try to allow him to be my other half, that's what I fully intended, but he has ruined.

As for the situation of the $80 yesterday, I'm trying to figure out a way to confront without a huge ordeal or also without warning so he can't take time to make up a GOOD lie... .which he is a good liar, but I see more than he thinks.  Just putting it all in my mental file for the lawyer, but confronting might be the way to get him out and have it not be ALL my fault... ., yeah right... .

[DragoN]

I don't want to seem heartless and like I didn't try to allow him to be my other half, that's what I fully intended, but he has ruined.

He destroyed your trust with foolish lies. That is the consequence of his choice of actions. Did he at any point own his actions? Understand the impact of them on you? Go out of his way to not repeat the same?

As for the situation of the $80 yesterday, I'm trying to figure out a way to confront without a huge ordeal or also without warning so he can't take time to make up a GOOD lie... .which he is a good liar, but I see more than he thinks.  Just putting it all in my mental file for the lawyer, but confronting might be the way to get him out and have it not be ALL my fault.... , yeah right... .

It's up to you. "Time to cook up Good Lies", I know the negative feeling. You have the evidence of your own observations. If you say anything too soon, he will rewrite history, Gas Light and you know how it goes.



Of course it's your fault, you should have simply pulled $80.00 out of the air to support his drug habit! What were you thinking? j/k

[WalrusGumboot]

You with friends mean less time with pwBPD.

I never had a friend my exBPDw liked and did everything in her power to keep me from doing things with them. Then, when isolation was complete, she would rub it in that I had no friends.

It's just the way they roll. Some maybe could radically accept this behavior. I, for one, got tired of it after 23 years. I wasn't doing anything wrong and didn't want to continue being punished for trying to maintain a social life.

[wishfulthinking]

Silentium,

He has owned up to the fact that he got my account closed, though half the time he says I closed it so he couldn't write any more checks... .I said yeah, because I wanted to have to contact all of my bills to reset my EFT information and have 2 checks bounce that I had paid legitimately... .I soo wanted to do that?

Then, he said he should have had the money to cover it, but because of things that weren't his fault (ummmm... .yes they were) he didn't get the money... .how about the fact that if it's not there beforehand, you don't spend it?  This is the second time he's done that and he claims he repaid me the money he took from before, but he didn't... .in his mind, he seems to think he did?  So, the $719 from 3 weeks ago that you STOLE and I LET GO... .you gave me $120... .that makes it even?  Really?

[DragoN]

Then, he said he should have had the money to cover it, but because of things that weren't his fault (ummmm... .yes they were) he didn't get the money... .how about the fact that if it's not there beforehand, you don't spend it?  This is the second time he's done that and he claims he repaid me the money he took from before, but he didn't... .in his mind, he seems to think he did?  So, the $719 from 3 weeks ago that you STOLE and I LET GO... .you gave me $120... .that makes it even?  Really?

In BPD think? Why yes it does. You are an extension of him. That includes your income. Quite possibly why I have noticed my pwBPD is incredibly poor at math that involves money.

[wishfulthinking]

I was going to put him on my account, he doesn't have his own bank account... .red flag, right... .but then I handed him my atm card one day to grab some gas when he was broke and 3 days later I'm down almost $600... .I couldn't pay my bills... .guess who's fault that was because I didn't tell him how much was disposable? ummmm... .ok, NONE OF IT!  I barely make enough to pay my bills to begin with and then add you and your 2 kids to the mix and you don't pay ANYTHING... .gee... .I wonder why I didn't go ahead and add him... .