I broke up with him; he found someone else in a matter of days

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi there,

I was in a two year relationship with a man who demonstrates borderline behaviors. He attached to me too fast in the beginning. Was so loving. Then his eldest son began to have serious mental health issues and much of our lives became tied to his crises and subsequent hospitalization. His son is definitely borderline and it's been painful to watch.  I felt like my needs got lost in my ex's over identification with his son and his longing for his ex wife who has been remarried for many years. My ex also has a history of emotional and physical affairs with women. I caught him early on texting with an ex gf- he had clearly been trying to convince her that he still had feelings for her. When I confronted him, he cried and cried. Said he was just "trying to get her back" because he had ended the relationship but then wanted to get back together and she rejected him. That was four months into our relationship. I chose to continue the relationship which was often happy, but his boundaries with women were poor- when we went to couples counseling, he actually tried to flirt with her in front of me. I mostly felt sad for him that he could only relate to women in a seductive way. I thought he had developed some insight but then he would disassociate and take me for granted. He was extremely jealous of my friendships with men. He would often melt down at a party when he saw me talking to any man. But I felt I understood who he was-that he is was insecure, anxious felt empty. I truly love him. I guess I just became so angry at his defensiveness and denial in how parented his kids- he treats them like friends or really extensions of himself. It isn't helping them. I finally said, I am done. But then I realized that I did not want to break up. I wanted to work on the relationship. He though immediately got on a dating app and met someone he wants to be with. She is the exact opposite of me in every way. I am crushed. His family- his ex and her husband have told me: you deserve so much more. But I am experiencing profound grief that is unlike anything I've ever felt. I feel abandoned. He seems to have shut himself off from me altogether. As though he doesn't even know me. Can anyone help me understand this? I am a smart, psychologically minded "helper" but feel like the most important attachment I've had is gone. It's almost unbearable.

[Lilahann]

Hi there,

I was in a two year relationship with a man who demonstrates borderline behaviors. He attached to me too fast in the beginning. Was so loving. Then his eldest son began to have serious mental health issues and much of our lives became tied to his crises and subsequent hospitalization. His son is definitely borderline and it's been painful to watch.  I felt like my needs got lost in my ex's over identification with his son and his longing for his ex wife who has been remarried for many years. My ex also has a history of emotional and physical affairs with women. I caught him early on texting with an ex gf- he had clearly been trying to convince her that he still had feelings for her. When I confronted him, he cried and cried. Said he was just "trying to get her back" because he had ended the relationship but then wanted to get back together and she rejected him. That was four months into our relationship. I chose to continue the relationship which was often happy, but his boundaries with women were poor- when we went to couples counseling, he actually tried to flirt with her in front of me. I mostly felt sad for him that he could only relate to women in a seductive way. I thought he had developed some insight but then he would disassociate and take me for granted. He was extremely jealous of my friendships with men. He would often melt down at a party when he saw me talking to any man. But I felt I understood who he was-that he is was insecure, anxious felt empty. I truly love him. I guess I just became so angry at his defensiveness and denial in how parented his kids- he treats them like friends or really extensions of himself. It isn't helping them. I finally said, I am done. But then I realized that I did not want to break up. I wanted to work on the relationship. He though immediately got on a dating app and met someone he wants to be with. She is the exact opposite of me in every way. I am crushed. His family- his ex and her husband have told me: you deserve so much more. But I am experiencing profound grief that is unlike anything I've ever felt. I feel abandoned. He seems to have shut himself off from me altogether. As though he doesn't even know me. Can anyone help me understand this? I am a smart, psychologically minded "helper" but feel like the most important attachment I've had is gone. It's almost unbearable.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Unsure101]

I'm in a similar situation, literally a few days after we broke up, she met someone else , and slept with him twice, they'd obviously been in contact beforehand, seems like she wanted to go on a split, so she could shed the guilt side of things.

Anyway this lasted a few weeks, where they were living together, but they had a massive row and she came back to me.

She's chasing someone else now , whilst still being here, and telling me there's no issue as it's over between us, even though we literally slept together a few days ago.

She told me , she did it because she was angry and upset, and it made her feel better, as if that's some justification.


There seems to be little logical reasoning with these people.

[Unsure101]

Thing is it's all very one sided, say if I jumped into bed, it'd be game over , world war 3 , and she'd probably leave in tears , and try to overdose.

Everything has to be on their terms it seems.

[RomanticFool]

Lilahann,

I’m sorry you are suffering. You have come to the right place and there are many people on here who will identify with you and may be able to help you understand. I am one of those and your story sounds so utterly familiar to me.

I broke up with my ex around August time. We had been on holiday together for a week and she dumped we within two weeks or returning home. She was already well into the devaluation stage by the time of the holiday. In fact I was nuts to even book a holiday because she had ended the r/s for three weeks in May/June and I begged her every day to come back. I was suicidal and desperate. I emailed her every day (she had my blocked on WhatsApp and on the phone) eventually she relented and met with with but she was very angry and stood me up at the cinema. I eventually managed to get her to come to the cinema with me nearly a week later and she got angry when I tried to discuss the r/s. The next day after the film she asked me to go away with her and when I booked the holiday she said the next day that she didn’t want to go. She eventually came with me and we had a wonderful time, give or take a rage or two from her. A week after returning home her daughter texted me and asked me not to come over as she didn’t want to hear her mother and I arguing. Since her mother was usually the one who started shouting at me in the house and once attacked me physically in front of her daughter, I found the situation intolerable. I felt she allowed her daughter to parent her and treated her like a close friend and was overly attentive to her daughter’s boyfriend, who wandered around the house topless and was heavily into drugs. I just felt the whole situation was chaotic and unmanageable and so when she dumped me a second time I didn’t try to get her back. It’s now been a couple of the months and the pain of rejection still lives on. My situation is exacerbated by the fact I am also currently splitting up from my wife (long story) and I intended on my ex being my partner for life. Indeed for most of our year long r/s she encouraged me to leave and when I finally did her reply was ‘sorry to hear that’ and no further contact.

What I have learnt from the whole sorry and painful affair is to look at my own behaviour. It’s the only thing I can influence. Why did I get involved with somebody I knew early on was damaged and demonstrated rage, abandonment fears and extreme emotional dependency issues so early on in the r/s. The answer is because I have similar issues myself. I am now on a journey of self healing through therapy and a a 12 step programme to try and get to the bottom of my attachment to somebody who was essentially abusive. I still miss her terribly. I yearn for her. She told me at the beginning of the r/s that she moves on quickly when relationships end and never goes back. She has been as good as her word. That total lack of empathy should have been a major red flag to me but I felt that I had met my soulmate and now must find a way to get her out of my head and heart. A few months on it still hurts but I am beginning to heal slowly.

RF

[Dead Man Walking]

I understand the feelings of grief and pain you are experiencing. I have been there. So I have a couple of points to make.

Try and look at the situation from an objective point of view. Re-read your post and think of all the things he has done that hurt you. Then think of what life would be like in 5 years, 10 years, 20 years down the line with his doing these kinds of things to you over and over and over again. You would still love him more than life its self and he would just get worse and worse. You would make excuses, rationalize, take blame and have your heart torn out over and over again suffering for years and years and years being the brunt of his behaviors.  This is a product of being Co-dependent.  I know I am. I have done all of the above including being arrested on false charges, emotional and possibly physical affairs, her hanging all over her ex right in front of me. Each time another knife in my heart. I have worked very hard on this, set boundaries and things have improved but still have a long way to go.  Finding a good therapist and working on fixing me was the best thing I did. Be honest with your self and work on you, get stronger before you pick up a relationship with any one especially your ex.

The best revenge I could have on a person my wife cheated on me with would be to let them have her. Let them be the brunt of her BPD. Let them suffer the way I and my children have. I have come a long way but I have a long way to go. We are stronger than we believe. We are much stronger than our BPD SO's.