Help My Wife Ran Away

[BreathOfAir]

Hello anyone out there,

I need help. My wife in the course of 4 weeks went from loving partner and mother of 3 to moving out and in with a lover she has only known for a short time. My wife is an invisible BPD from all the sexual abuse she went through as a child. For 8 years she suffered from depression and extremes like shopping and doing everything to the max but nothing at this level. She is convensed that she doesn't love me but still wants to be a mother to our kids. I promised you that as a husband I've been nothing but supporting and loving and she has changed into someone I don't recognize. I discovered that she is BPD after consulting a therapist and she fits the description of high functioning invisible BPD so that's how we missed it or I would have gotten her help ages ago. It's been about 3 weeks since she has left. All attempts to get her back, to inform her of BPD has been fruitless. She is now threatening a restraining order (over about 20 text messages aday from me) so I've stopped contacting her. The only time she messages me is about the kids or wanting money. Here is the thing. I love my wife more than the air I breathe. She is the mother of my children and up to a couple of months ago, we didn't have any problems outside of the norm. What the flip do I do? The more I wait, the more I feel like I've lost her. If I confront her, she is so dissociated that she shuts down. All friends and family can't reach her on any level. She is living with another man which weird enough I can forgive over time. Do I wait for her to come back? Is there a way to fight that I don't know about? Do I just sit here and die of a broken heart? Please someone give me some direction or advice!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[juju2]

You are in the right place, so glad you found us!

Ok.  I dont have your experience.  I do have experience around living w a person w BPD, untreated.  Right now he is off the reservation, seeing someone else, in fantasy land.  All there is for me is to put one foot in front of the other.  We were together, living, ten years.  We had at one time or another, all of our brady bunch kids, some trying to get off drugs.

All i can say,TAKE EXCELLENT CARE of yourself.
Whatever that means to you.

Share more.  How long are you married.

Share as much or little as you wish.

This is a caring, kind place.  Hang in there!  j

[BreathOfAir]

Thanks for the support. We have been married for 7 years and have three children. I can count on one hand how many times we fought. She must have been suffering silently for years without letting me know. I just really hope she snaps out of it soon which is just wishful thinking. Everyone was shocked by it and she hasn't even talked with me longer than a few minutes about it. Maybe she never will and she is so hardheaded even if she wanted to come back, I don't know if she would because of how exteme her behavior is. It's all just so hard because half of me wants to give her space and the other half wants to knock her out and bring her home. She ignores all my texts, calls, and emails. I'm just so hurt and lost.

[juju2]

Hi B

Are the kids w you.

Can you just keep one foot in front of the other.

Hoping others here will chime in.  I dont have experience w being married, young kids, and BPD.
Someone here does have experience.  Just keep sharing, this is a safe place.

My BPD s.o. is taking no responsibility, he left last year, left 75%of all his things at our shared home, has since done nothing about it.  I finally said, you have 3 months to get everything out (its a lot of stuff, he is a hoarder, not severe, but still bad).
I guess they can just start up somewhere new, forget any and all responsibilities.  Something switches in their mind.  What i noticed, is he didnt take responsibility in general.  His daughter had a baby last month, he is yet to see her or his grandbaby... . its upsetting to see them hurting others.

If possible, try not to take any of this personally.
If you can, if possible, get some counseling.  Church sometimes offers sliding scale counseling, if possible, if you could find a therapist who has experience w BPD... .

My s.o. gave up both his kids, both were legally adopted, by family, his son went to his ex wife's parents, he didnt see him until he was 21.  His dtr, they didnt see eachother for many years.  I guess it is just too much for them to he responsible.  Raising kids takes a daily commitment.  I am not sure he is capable of that.  He wasnt committed to me, he was constantly flirting w other women, having emotional affairs, he was sabotaging our relationship.  It got to he too much for me.   Everything became too much.  And i love him with all my heart.

Bless you,  j

[No-One]

My wife is an invisible BPD from all the sexual abuse she went through as a child. For 8 years she suffered from depression and extremes like shopping and doing everything to the max but nothing at this level.

Hi BreathOfAir:
I'm so sorry about what you are going through with your wife.  I can't imagine how difficult it must be right now for you and your children. Do you know how she met the man she moved in with? In hindsight, were there signs that she was cheating on you?

Has your wife had any counseling to deal with her sexual abuse?  Who was her abuser?

How extreme was her shopping habit?  What are some examples of things she did to the max?  Was there a cycle between depression and then doing things to the max?

It's possible that she has a chemical imbalance that is separate from her sexual abuse trauma (i.e. bipolar, etc.) How has her depression been managed over the 8 years? Has she ever been evaluated by a psychiatrist for meds, or received therapy from a psychologist?  Any substance abuses?

It's all just so hard because half of me wants to give her space and the other half wants to knock her out and bring her home. She ignores all my texts, calls, and emails.

Unfortunately, you may just need to give her some time. It might be a good idea for her to get some individual counseling, to help sort out what's going on with her.  She may be in a bit of a euphoric state right now, but her lover might lose interest if unmanaged depression sets in.

Sounds like she didn't think ahead and plan for this move (an impulse).  You may need to take some protective measures regarding credit cards.  If she has any opportunity, she could run up some large bills for you.

The only time she messages me is about the kids or wanting money.

Does she work?  How are the kids dealing with this? (Just thinking they may feel abandoned by her?)

Sometimes, its' best to plan for the worst and hope for the best.  It could be advantageous to check with a lawyer.   You might want to post in the legal section for some advise from others who had to navigate the legal system.  

[random376]

Hi BreathOfAir, just dropping you a note to share that my wife also up and left one morning with no warning. We'd only been married for a year and a half, and like yours, we were very very happy. I really am so sorry you are going through this, especially because you have children with her. I cannot imagine how difficult that is.

One morning I was on the couch enjoying my coffee and she stormed in, accused me of attacking her in the middle of the night and bolted out the door as if she was imminent danger. She got her own apartment that day and that was that. She began a distortion campaign against me painting this picture of me as a monster, someone she had to run from right away. We were in the middle of fertility treatments and I felt our relationship was solid and strong, that we were both really invested in being good spouses. It dissolved into dust. She's never even acted like she's missed me. It's devastating.

Of course in me trying to make sense of everything, I've discovered she is likely BPD given what I've learned. I threw that diagnosis out there to her early on in this mess thinking it would be helpful. Yeah, it wasn't haha. How did your wife respond when you told her she might have BPD?