Hi, Im new here.

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello all,
  I have been married 11 years to a man i believe to be suffering from bpd/npd. It has been a long, hard road up to this point and I am finally reaching out for help.

 In some ways it feels like I have been in a room all by myself with no windows and a locked door. I have seen the tiniest light seeping through and have become obsessed with discovering where it comes from and what lies outside of this "room."

I recently started seeing a psychologist when I felt like I could no longer breathe or make decisions. It feels like I don't even know who I am anymore. The therapy is helping me plan and strategize. I feel obligated to stay in the marriage but am not opposed to seperation if needed. At this time I am trying to learn and understand what he might be suffering from and how to better cope and communicate with him. I have a lot of anger at this time so would love to hear any tips and tricks.
It feels good to prioritize my needs and to have found other people who might understand what it's like. Thank you !

[Selfishsally]

Hello all,
  I have been married 11 years to a man i believe to be suffering from bpd/npd. It has been a long, hard road up to this point and I am finally reaching out for help.

 In some ways it feels like I have been in a room all by myself with no windows and a locked door. I have seen the tiniest light seeping through and have become obsessed with discovering where it comes from and what lies outside of this "room."

I recently started seeing a psychologist when I felt like I could no longer breathe or make decisions. It feels like I don't even know who I am anymore. The therapy is helping me plan and strategize. I feel obligated to stay in the marriage but am not opposed to seperation if needed. At this time I am trying to learn and understand what he might be suffering from and how to better cope and communicate with him. I have a lot of anger at this time so would love to hear any tips and tricks.
It feels good to prioritize my needs and to have found other people who might understand what it's like. Thank you !

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat Familiar]

It’s wonderful that you’ve found a psychologist to help you deal with your relationship. These relationships are difficult and even therapists will enter into therapy when they have a problematic BPD/NPD client.

I encourage you to look at the Tools section on this site and read others’ threads and continue to post more about your experience.

Anger is common, especially when you’ve sacrificed your wants and needs for years, just to get along. It’s good that you’re exploring who you are at this point in your life and what you want with a therapist. 

What are some of the most concerning issues that you are dealing with?

[Selfishsally]

Thanks Cat Familar-
It has been nice just seeing what is on this site and I am eager to learn more!

I am definitely dealing with co-dependency and low self esteem/ self worth.
He seems to have some npd traits and that is a challenge. It seems he feels entitled to my body, mind and heart and is at the best of times controlling. we have 2 sons, one is 5 the other is 7mo so i am always on alert and just exhausted from the constant "pouring out" but never getting anything to "fill me up"

[blackorchid]

Hi Sally,

I've worked on journaling and meditations to help me with both of those issues. Also, I find that affirmations help.

[Selfishsally]

Blackorchid,
         Those are great ideas. Thank you!

[Rev]

At this time I am trying to learn and understand what he might be suffering from and how to better cope and communicate with him. I have a lot of anger at this time so would love to hear any tips and tricks.

It feels good to prioritize my needs and to have found other people who might understand what it's like. Thank you !

Hi Sally,

What kind of approach is your psychologist using with you?  Do you know?  What kinds of things are you working on with him/her?

Generally speaking, anger is a defense emotion. It spurs us to act. It's touchy, because too much anger can be an addiction of sorts, if you get my meaning. Are you able to get in touch with the core emotion that lies below your anger? Doing so will help you address issues of co-dependency and feeling stuck.

Finally, you can ask your psychologist about mindfulness techniques and emotional defusion techniques (google Steven Hayes and A.C.T.) That will help you to stay clear(er) minded.

You sound like you have an emerging picture of where your boundaries lie - which is good. Because those are usually to first things that are up for grabs.  

Hang in there.  

Rev

[Selfishsally]

Rev,
   Thanks for your insughtful questions/remarks.  My journey with seeing a therapist is still very new and we plan on working on myself and i guess how to find my identity again. He really wants me to have a "go" bag packed for me and my children( just because husband can be a little unpredictable, he has never hit me but kinda threatened violence)before we start changing anything.

Are you able to get in touch with the core emotion that lies below your anger? Doing so will help you address issues of co-dependency and feeling stuck.

 Much of my shame and anger is directed at myself and I understand at the core of it is my pain and hurt. Some of his npd tendencies are the hardest for me to forgive and move on from.

I am trying so hard to establish boundaries and am finding it very difficult!

Finally, you can ask your psychologist about mindfulness techniques and emotional defusion techniques (google Steven Hayes and A.C.T.) That will help you to stay clear(er) minded.

Thank you! I will look into it.