The dreams don't have to end

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

When my uBPDstbxw abandoned me she took all the money, the car, all our stuff, caused me to lose my job and have no place to live and also was forced to drop out of college.

I hated dropping out of college when she left. I was following my career path to land my dream job one day. I still am not in a position where I can attend college. I was in a critical phase of my education and she knew this and also knew I wouldn't be able to go to school or drive to work since she took our car. She promised she would never up and leave and do this to me. She did it anyway.

For many months now I have applied for my dream career job with only the bare minimal education to land this job. I been passed over 3 times before. Today I got the job. This one is only PRN hours / as needed hours though. It is still good because I have a foot in the door now there after the hard work and effort of trying to network and land this job. I still will be working another job or jobs beside this to survive. Just feels good she didn't stop me after all and I overcame. She isn't going to stop any of my other dreams either.

[AwakenedOne]

When my uBPDstbxw abandoned me she took all the money, the car, all our stuff, caused me to lose my job and have no place to live and also was forced to drop out of college.

I hated dropping out of college when she left. I was following my career path to land my dream job one day. I still am not in a position where I can attend college. I was in a critical phase of my education and she knew this and also knew I wouldn't be able to go to school or drive to work since she took our car. She promised she would never up and leave and do this to me. She did it anyway.

For many months now I have applied for my dream career job with only the bare minimal education to land this job. I been passed over 3 times before. Today I got the job. This one is only PRN hours / as needed hours though. It is still good because I have a foot in the door now there after the hard work and effort of trying to network and land this job. I still will be working another job or jobs beside this to survive. Just feels good she didn't stop me after all and I overcame. She isn't going to stop any of my other dreams either.

[Reforming]

Great news. Well done for sticking with it and the best of luck with new job.

[LettingGo14]

For many months now I have applied for my dream career job with only the bare minimal education to land this job. I been passed over 3 times before. Today I got the job. This one is only PRN hours / as needed hours though. It is still good because I have a foot in the door now there after the hard work and effort of trying to network and land this job. I still will be working another job or jobs beside this to survive. Just feels good she didn't stop me after all and I overcame. She isn't going to stop any of my other dreams either.

AO -- that's great news.  And proof, as you note, that our dreams don't have to end. Shortly after my abandonment, I found this quote, "Never let memories be greater than dreams" and it resonated.   

Detaching is definitely a process.  Where in the five stages of detachment do you think you are now?  I think I'm cycling between 2, 3, and 4.   What about you?

[Mutt]

Your ex really did a number on you AwakenedOne. I'm sorry. You have fight in you and motivation. Bravo on your job! Keep doing what your doing. It'll take time to recover and heal from your ex. It's not an easy road but your hard work will pay off in spades later.

“Detachment is not that you should own nothing, but that nothing should own you.”—Ali ibn abi Talib

[BacknthSaddle]

Awesome news man.  Really great. Sometimes I have to remind myself that life is so much bigger than these people. 

[AwakenedOne]

For many months now I have applied for my dream career job with only the bare minimal education to land this job. I been passed over 3 times before. Today I got the job. This one is only PRN hours / as needed hours though. It is still good because I have a foot in the door now there after the hard work and effort of trying to network and land this job. I still will be working another job or jobs beside this to survive. Just feels good she didn't stop me after all and I overcame. She isn't going to stop any of my other dreams either.

AO -- that's great news.  And proof, as you note, that our dreams don't have to end. Shortly after my abandonment, I found this quote, "Never let memories be greater than dreams" and it resonated.   

Detaching is definitely a process.  Where in the five stages of detachment do you think you are now?  I think I'm cycling between 2, 3, and 4.   What about you?

Thanks guys for the comments.

LettingGo - Thank you for this question. I have pondered what the answer is to the question for the last 30 minutes. I feel I'm at stage 5. I think somewhere around the mid point of stage 5. After I'm divorced from her, reaching the end of stage 5 is my realistic goal.

This list, in order of importance has helped me reach stage 5.

Faith in God

Self-Inquiry

Self-Realization

Life-Realization

Faith in myself

Humor

Dreams

Guitar

[LettingGo14]

This list, in order of importance has helped me reach stage 5.

Faith in God

Self-Inquiry

Self-Realization

Life-Realization

Faith in myself

Humor

Dreams

Guitar

Thanks for the list, AO.  It's a good one.  And I'm looking forward to Stage 5. 

[Mutt]

I think you can reach this goal AO before you're divorced. Have either of you filed? I'm surprised at how long divorce can take. You can choose to modify your goal to getting through Stage 5 of detachment before getting your certificate of divorce. Marriage simply means that either of you cannot marry another person.

[AwakenedOne]

I think you can reach this goal AO before you're divorced. Have either of you filed? I'm surprised at how long divorce can take. You can choose to modify your goal to getting through Stage 5 of detachment before getting your certificate of divorce. Marriage simply means that either of you cannot marry another person.

I can't file for divorce from her for about another 45 days in this state. That's the state requirement. If I file before she does, I will choose a no fault divorce which will hopefully be faster than the fault divorce option. Yeah, I agree though that the fifth stage of detachment (Freedom) isn't linked to our marriage. Freedom is a state of mind.

[Mutt]

After I'm divorced from her, reaching the end of stage 5 is my realistic goal.

I interpreted this as being linked to your marriage? I noticed that you are a spiritual person, a man of faith with strong convictions. An honorable person. I'm a spiritual person as well. From my personal experience it was the hardest pill to swallow when my ex had broken a covenant and had treated our vows as if they were of no importance. I was wondering if you felt the same and your struggling with separation? Maybe I'm reading into it too much. If I am AO, I mean no disrespect to you or your healing.

[AwakenedOne]

After I'm divorced from her, reaching the end of stage 5 is my realistic goal.

I interpreted this as being linked to your marriage? I noticed that you are a spiritual person, a man of faith with strong convictions. An honorable person. I'm a spiritual person as well. From my personal experience it was the hardest pill to swallow when my ex had broken a covenant and had treated our vows as if they were of no importance. I was wondering if you felt the same and your struggling with separation? Maybe I'm reading into it too much. If I am AO, I mean no disrespect to you or your healing.

Hi Mutt,

Yeah, that's why I stayed because the wedding vows were very important to me. Hopefully God saw and agrees that I tried my best to keep us together. The sad thing is she used the vows against me. She knew I was committed to them long term and I think she used them as a get out of jail free card intentionally at some point.

Having a partner do terrible things to you makes getting over them easier.

Peace,

AO

[Mutt]

After I'm divorced from her, reaching the end of stage 5 is my realistic goal.

I interpreted this as being linked to your marriage? I noticed that you are a spiritual person, a man of faith with strong convictions. An honorable person. I'm a spiritual person as well. From my personal experience it was the hardest pill to swallow when my ex had broken a covenant and had treated our vows as if they were of no importance. I was wondering if you felt the same and your struggling with separation? Maybe I'm reading into it too much. If I am AO, I mean no disrespect to you or your healing.

Hi Mutt,

Yeah, that's why I stayed because the wedding vows were very important to me. Hopefully God saw and agrees that I tried my best to keep us together. The sad thing is she used the vows against me. She knew I was committed to them long term and I think she used them as a get out of jail free card intentionally at some point.

Having a partner do terrible things to you makes getting over them easier.

Peace,

AO

I stayed for the same reasons AO like you. Because of God, marriage,and vows above all despite of all the terrible things that that this woman did. The suffering she was putting on others and the kids.

Unfortunately yours sounds a little worse than mine and low functioning. I can't imagine that fight or flee feeling that coursed through you when she tried to kill you.

God knows and sees when someone puts their best efforts. I don't think he wants us to be miserable in that dysfunction and for spouses to attack each other? I had to let go of that AO. I tried my best, I wouldn't give up but I had to just let go of my ideals of marriage and faith. This woman was killing me inside and her dysfunctions were detrimental to my kids and their emotional health. Everyone was suffering. I don't think he wants that?

Bask in the sun today AO. You are working your ass off and got a job! Maybe God had a guiding hand. Today is your day. Peace and enjoy the sun AO. Bask in it.