Can't get over not being able to help her

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I left my BPDgf about a week ago. We had a 7 month relationship.

The most painful thing for me to deal with right now is knowing that I will not be able to continue to give her the love she deserves.  She is such a beautiful person who has lived such a pained existence. Showing her that love was my primary motivation throughout the relationship. I know now that was at the expense of my emotional and physical health.

I am looking for advice or stories from those of you who have been able to reconcile that in your hearts and minds and get past it. Even if you haven't what are you trying to do about it?

Thanks so much.

[simpleman]

Hi All,

I left my BPDgf about a week ago. We had a 7 month relationship.

The most painful thing for me to deal with right now is knowing that I will not be able to continue to give her the love she deserves.  She is such a beautiful person who has lived such a pained existence. Showing her that love was my primary motivation throughout the relationship. I know now that was at the expense of my emotional and physical health.

I am looking for advice or stories from those of you who have been able to reconcile that in your hearts and minds and get past it. Even if you haven't what are you trying to do about it?

Thanks so much.

[Pingo]

Hi simpleman and welcome to bpdfamily!

I can relate to what you are experiencing, it is very painful to realise that we cannot 'fix' our loved ones with BPD and it's what we wish for the most. But our responsibility lies in taking care of ourselves. We cannot stay in a r/s that hurts us emotionally and physically without giving up our own selves.

You will find the support here you need to get through this difficult time, keep reading and posting. I'm 9 mths out from my r/s with my uBPDexh and it was a roller coaster the first few months but is starting to level out, I'm finally feeling like I'm moving forward in life, making progress. It takes time. Hang in there, it gets easier. 

[fromheeltoheal]

The most painful thing for me to deal with right now is knowing that I will not be able to continue to give her the love she deserves.  She is such a beautiful person who has lived such a pained existence. Showing her that love was my primary motivation throughout the relationship. I know now that was at the expense of my emotional and physical health.

Hi simpleman-

A couple of things:

If she does exhibit significant traits of the disorder, a mental illness, the two of you will always lose and the disorder will always win.  And you can't fix it, regardless of how hard you try or how badly you want to; letting go of that desire is very painful, we understand.  There's a term around here called 'radical acceptance' which sounds fancy, but it's really just realizing it is what it is, the disorder is what it is, she has it, didn't want it, can't get rid of it, you can't fix it, so accepting all of that, it is what it is, and acting accordingly is the only reasonable course, but you get to come to that conclusion yourself.

Does she really deserve your love?  It's easy to see the beautiful soul buried under the disorder and have deep love and compassion for her, although if you consider the behaviors, was she really all that lovable?  Maybe she was, but you left her, so probably not.  It's much healthier to fall in love with a person than their potential.

It's important right now to focus on your needs.  What do you want and need in an intimate relationship?  Were you or could you ever get those wants and needs met by her on a sustainable basis?  We don't go into relationships to get, we go in to give, but after a while, if our giving isn't being reciprocated, it's natural to ask where's mine?  Borderlines are survivors, most of them, and she will carry on per usual, so time to let go of hope and focus on your needs, get really selfish.  It's simple but it is far from easy, but the upside is it will probably inspire a lot of personal growth.

Take care of you!

[ShadowIntheNight]

My question to you is were you with her through her "pained existence" to see the things happen to her exactly as they happened or do you just have her word? If you weren't there and all you have is her word, then it may pain you to know if your exgf truly is BPD she is most likely highly skilled at both lying and manipulation. It is part and parcel of the illness to "suck" someone in, particularly someone who is highly empathetic, based on the "sad, tragic, unloving" past they tell you they have experienced. No one gets them like you, no one has the special bond you two have, she has never felt this way about anyone before you in her life.

I know you think you will be the one who can give her all that love she has never experienced. But I tell you truly, if she has BPD, even if you gave her all the love in the world, she still won't feel it. It's like trying to dig a hole in the sand next to the tide, the tide goes out and you can get some digging done, but once the tide comes in, it collapses and fills back up. In other words it's a hole that never gets dug even though you're doing all this work. In time you would find that you have shown her everything to love her, but it won't matter in the end. It just won't matter.

Once you start focusing on you and quit thinking how tragic she won't get to experience your love, you might find other things more important in your life. If she is BPD, you can't change her, and you can't end the illness. It's sad. But if your physical and emotional pain are this wrought after only 7 months, imagine your life if it had been longer. I know you mean well, we all did. I was the great love of my uBPDexgf's life, until I wasn't. Now someone else is. In time you'll see you did the right thing.

[gettingbuy]

Once you start focusing on you and quit thinking how tragic she won't get to experience your love, you might find other things more important in your life. If she is BPD, you can't change her, and you can't end the illness. It's sad. But if your physical and emotional pain are this wrought after only 7 months, imagine your life if it had been longer. In time you'll see you did the right thing.

For me, this hits hard. I was in a 6 month relationship with someone I still care very deeply about. She went away for 3 months after the breakup, and we've been trying for 2 months since she returned.

I am so emotionally damaged by her words, her jealousy, her lack of respect, her telling me about her orbiters. But I cannot for the life of me get past how much she means to me. The worst part is I know deep down that she doesn't mean any of it to hurt me and is actually using it to get me to prove to her that I won't abandon her. It's the disease talking, not her, she can't control it. If she would just acknowledge it, it would be a huge step in the right direction. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one with BPD when I think about what I could do to try and get her back, even though I know the path we would take is inevitable.

Anyways, I feel you OP. This stuff is probably the most emotional pain I've ever been through.

[ShadowIntheNight]

Once you start focusing on you and quit thinking how tragic she won't get to experience your love, you might find other things more important in your life. If she is BPD, you can't change her, and you can't end the illness. It's sad. But if your physical and emotional pain are this wrought after only 7 months, imagine your life if it had been longer. In time you'll see you did the right thing.

For me, this hits hard. I was in a 6 month relationship with someone I still care very deeply about. She went away for 3 months after the breakup, and we've been trying for 2 months since she returned.

I am so emotionally damaged by her words, her jealousy, her lack of respect, her telling me about her orbiters. But I cannot for the life of me get past how much she means to me. The worst part is I know deep down that she doesn't mean any of it to hurt me and is actually using it to get me to prove to her that I won't abandon her. It's the disease talking, not her, she can't control it. If she would just acknowledge it, it would be a huge step in the right direction. Sometimes I feel like I'm the one with BPD when I think about what I could do to try and get her back, even though I know the path we would take is inevitable.

Anyways, I feel you OP. This stuff is probably the most emotional pain I've ever been through.

When someone tells you that there are other people out there who are interested in her while she is with you, what she is trying to do is MANIPULATE you to not leave. He/she wants you to think that you are lucky and special because they chose you to be with. Trust me, you aren't lucky. I know you are wanting to justify it and say it's the illness, not the real her, but truth is, what she is doing IS the real person. It's like someone said earlier, be with with a real person, not their potential.

You will stay stuck and involved with someone who will suck the life out of you if buy into the idea that if YOU show them real love then everything will change. No it won't. No it won't. No it won't. Tell yourself that when you think if I stay, if I do more for her, if I give her expensive gifts, if I give her exactly what she asks for & even what she doesn't then she will know I love her and she will love you back. Nope. Won't happen. Not with a BPD. Sorry to be so callous, but it's sadly true. And I don't like it either.

[gettingbuy]

I completely understand that, but thank you for reiterating it. I know when I think about doing anything to fix us, that it's my feelings overriding my rational brain. This was common trait of hers and a I know it's common trait of BPD.

I just read through the "Things said just before the break up" thread. As she is the one that broke it off with me, I feel like a lot of the quotes in that thread are things that I would or have said to her trying to keep things in tact. This seriously bothers me, as I swear I don't have BPD, and that she does, but I may be co-dependent/approval seeking. Is this common?

[fromheeltoheal]

I just read through the "Things said just before the break up" thread. As she is the one that broke it off with me, I feel like a lot of the quotes in that thread are things that I would or have said to her trying to keep things in tact. This seriously bothers me, as I swear I don't have BPD, and that she does, but I may be co-dependent/approval seeking. Is this common?

In any relationship we adopt the traits of our partner, and vice versa, to a certain extent, and around here they're called 'fleas', where we can exhibit borderline traits because we were enmeshed with one, and the traits are on a continuum anyway.  So yes it's common.  That will change as you detach, and the fact you're bothered is actually a good thing, if you use it to dig into your own stuff and grow.  It takes two to tango, so to speak, and although in our anger we tend to vilify the borderline, it's never all one sided, and the growth that comes out of digging is definitely an upside of the whole experience.  Take care of you!

[simpleman]

Thanks so much everybody you have NO IDEA how much this advice helps me. I just got up from lying on the floor for 10 min balling (and I'm not a cryer). Then I read your replys. Thank you, thank you, thank you.  

Fromheeltoheal, I have heard about radical acceptance and am very in interested.  Can anyone point me to some resources. I want to try it...

[Pingo]

Fromheeltoheal, I have heard about radical acceptance and am very in interested.  Can anyone point me to some resources. I want to try it...

There is a book called 'Radical Acceptance' by Tara Brach. I have it, haven't read it yet, but have read some articles of hers that are excellent!

There's also this article here:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

[Invictus01]

Hey man, here is the deal. There is no amount of love that you can give her that would be enough for her. She is emotionally destroyed to the point where you can't fill her up with enough love for too long. A healthy relationship can NOT be one sided. It will not work in a long run. You need to accept that you are in love with somebody who is not capable of loving you back. Do you really want to be in a relationship like this? I know a week out it is pretty much impossible to accept or even understand... .but give it a few months, you'll get there. I promise.

[fromheeltoheal]

 

Fromheeltoheal, I have heard about radical acceptance and am very in interested.  Can anyone point me to some resources. I want to try it...

Radical acceptance is no more than realizing and accepting it is what it is.  Think about how hard it is to change yourself, and then consider how impossible it would be to change someone else.  There's very little we can control, but we can control what we think about, what we make it mean, how much we eat, sleep and exercise, and whom we allow in our lives.  Focus on those, accept the rest for what it is, one foot in front of the other, and it will get better.  Take care of you!

[rj47]

I can relate to what you are experiencing, it is very painful to realise that we cannot 'fix' our loved ones with BPD and it's what we wish for the most. But our responsibility lies in taking care of ourselves. We cannot stay in a r/s that hurts us emotionally and physically without giving up our own selves.

Sane advice.

I nearly lost myself and have only recently begun to find healing after spending 20 years trying to fix and/or outlast the issues my dBPDw harbored. Having started to unravel my motivations and actions for doing so; I realize I more likely damaged both of us by staying in the relationship. Its a near certain path of failure and long term consequences to you if you choose to stay in and she continues the roller coaster ride of despair. At least you're here and interacting which should be helpful if you are open to it.

[Getting_There]

I can totally relate to so many of these posts.  I am 3 months into the b/u and struggled with this quite a bit.  I believe that this was also a major reason we continued recycling the r/s.  After being apart for a few weeks, I'd begin to think that I could fix the r/s if I just tried harder, was a more patient, better person. I have remained more calm & patient than I ever thought I could be.  I have impressed myself with this at times.  However, there was always a different problem. And usually, she wasn't able to tell me exactly what the problem was... .It often felt like the problem was there was no problem.  I could never figure it out, but she would push until there was a real problem.  It's hard to explain this pushing, but I suspect many of you understand this phenomenon.


After reading soo many articles and posts on these boards, I finally realize what I am up against and I now know that there is nothing I could have done to save the r/s.  I finally believe this. This realization has helped immensely in getting through this.  Took me a while to get here, but I'm feeling much better nowadays.  There is nothing you could do to save the r/s.  Not with a pwBPD.