(1) How do you manage SOs when you have a parent with BPD? I am trying to learn so that I do not keep having the same outcome.
(2) If you felt as if you lost yourself, how did you begin the process of rediscovery? I have heard that you are never quite the same after dealing with someone that has BPD, but what helped you establish a "new normal" for yourself?
For me - the largest impact on my relationships was my own co-dependent behaviors. I didn't recognize them as an issue- being co-dependent was the expected role in my family growing up.
This took some work. I had had counseling before with the focus on how to deal with my BPD mother but a counselor told me to go to a 12 step program for co-dependency. I was surprised. I didn't have an issue with alcohol. I thought these programs were about that but I went anyway as I was willing to try it.
Just going to meetings isn't enough to really dig into one's own behavior. I got lucky with a sponsor. It was tough love as she turned te mirror on me and my own behaviors.
If we are being co-dependent and being so nice--- it actually is a repellent to people with emotionally healthy boundaries. Boundaries have a lot to do with relationships. People with emotionally healthy boundaries feel uncomfortable with people who don't have them. I experienced this with meeting a new friend who had started in 12 step groups. She is very nice- there is nothing wrong with her but I feel a sense of unease around her.
It may not be that it is your BPD parent that leads to relationship difficulties but the behaviors and boundaries you have from being in this situation. These are learned behaviors that are functional with our disordered families but can lead to relationship issues with other people. The good news is that- if we learned them, we can "unlearn" them.
It was these 12 step programs that helped me to establish better boundaries and also reclaim "myself" some. In a similar way to any addiction, I think my tendencies will lean towards being co-dependent but I am able to keep the behaviors in check better.
Learning to shift some of that focus on your BPD parent to a focus on yourself can help.