It’s been 5 weeks of NC since breakup. I can honestly say that I’m in a much better place emotionally right now. Though I still miss her a lot and I still shed tears at least once per day.
I still think that she and I could have made a great couple if it weren’t for the BPD-like behaviors. I’ve been looking back on our relationship and thinking about how things would have probably played out had it been a healthy relationship from the start. Like,
We would have never stopped doing the things we loved to do but rather have been a source of mutual encouragement and support to become better at doing those things - together, with each other.
I would have encouraged her to possibly broaden her horizons in terms of the academic subject she was pursuing but walked away from, perhaps even to merge it with the subject matter I know well in order to help create a new ways of doing things that are very, very marketable right now.
We would be living day-to-day consistently feeling the warmth of knowing that we’re both loved, admired, and appreciated… and that we’d never want to even think about being with anybody else ever again.
Arguments would still occur, but they’d happen very rarely and only about really trivial things like putting the cap back on the toothpaste or who’s turn it was to make dinner.
We would be planning our wedding and perhaps even marking down the due-date of our first child, both being super excited and nervous about being parents. And then we would be looking for a new place to live so that there’d be room to put a crib.
I was truly in love with her and I wanted a loving, peaceful, safe, mutually-beneficial, warm, affectionate relationship with her. I tried my hardest to create that life with her. I loved her with every ounce of strength I had.
I’m now reaching Acceptance. Acceptance that there were things at play before we even met that interfered with those dreams becoming a reality. And that I must now find somebody new to share those dreams with.
Sadly, this too shall pass.
How lovely. You have written a truly beautiful testament to your relationship as you saw it. I feel much the same way about my ex. You will find someone worthy of that love who can reciprocate it in a healthy way. Don't give up.
