Suddenly I've realised that it's not me...

[tomtomtomorrow]

 After seeing several counsellors for my persistent anxiety she suggested one that I spent about an hour and a half with.
Towards the end of the session he asked me a series of questions about the relationship and then asked that I make another appointment for the both of us

I had found the session rewarding giving me a sense of undefined relief.
I went home and said that we needed to go again and it was very encouraging.
After an initial blanket refusal she agreed to come on the basis that it was to help me and the counsellor needed to hear her perspective on my problems

But then she said that the timing was no good as she had other appointments
I challenged this saying that this was very important.
She insisted she would come but not at the agreed time.
I initially said I would change the appointment but then decided that her choice not make the effort was worth including in the dialogue.

I also was keen to discuss the beginnings of the revelation that my persistent anxiety could be attributed to  her issues.
After more discussion of the history of our relationship ( as well as what I had been told by her about the six preceding long-term relationships) the counsellor said that he suspected  that she has BPD and that my responses are entirely normal.

Since then (two days ago) I've been researching etc and am convinced that this is true.
When I stumbled across this website. In particular this;
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
I felt both validated and deeply sad.

We have got an appointment scheduled for next week where I am supposed to wait for a half hour or so while the therapist  talks to my partner alone.
But between now and then I am at a loss as to what to do. I know I can't just announce the suspected diagnosis. That's WW3 for sure.

I feel so sad for her. She is an attractive and professionally successful 48 year old  woman with a profound impairment that I fear she will refuse to even discuss/admit/contemplate.
 
Right now I am sitting in the office dreading going home... .
I can't see a future for this relationship as I have children whom she has demonstrated an increasing level of antipathy towards and now realising that this cannot be overcome through three more years of mediation and nurturing it seems clear that we must part.

My family and friends are all very supportive and more or less saying "we've been waiting for you to work this out... ."
Anyway it's been great to discover I am not alone... .

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[RolandOfEld]

Hi tomtomtomorrow and welcome!   You are most certainly not alone. Here you will find many people who have gone though / are going through the same things as you, myself included.

I totally understand how the BPD awakening is both validating and deeply saddening. Before I knew about my wife's problems, I could at least blame everything on myself and avoid the idea that she had a mental illness.

You are right not to announce the diagnosis. Best to let the therapist lead her to this gently if they are willing. Believe me that there is hope and that it's a day by day, step by step process. 

In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself? How old are your children and how has the situation effected them so far? 

~ROE

[ArleighBurke]

Whether or not she is diagnosed BPD, it doesn't have to be the end.

There are many people on this site who choose to live with their BPD spouse. There are techniques you can learn that will make your relationship better, and make you better. I would recommend you trying them for a while BEFORE choosing whether to stay or leave, because they will help YOU either way (either they will help this relationship, or they will help your next relationship).

[pearlsw]

Hi tomtomtomorrow,

Do I understand correctly that the doctor is trying to diagnose your partner? Or just get her input regarding you? I'm afraid I'm missing a step here... .

Nevertheless, you are definitely not alone! Many of us are dealing with such issues and we are all here to support each other. These relationships can be very confusing and challenging. I know in my case it has completely broken all my principles and values and I struggle mightily to hold onto my sense of reality and self - this stuff is that big.

As ArleighBurke helpfully mentioned, there is a lot of information here that help you in either this or future relationships!

What do you think of the notion that it is really you that you should be working on first and foremost?

wishing you peace, pearl.

[Tattered Heart]

Welcome tomtomtomorrow,

I'm sorry to hear that you feeling so sad about finding out about BPD. It's a hard realization but also comforting. It's like a sense of relief to know that what you have been experiencing is not just in your mind, that it is a real diagnosis. But then it's sad to also see that your partner may never be "cured".

When I first found out, I wanted to yell it from the rooftop to my H that he had BPD. I tried the route of trying to get him to see that something being wrong with him and he resented that I treated him like a project or someone with a disorder. Eventually I stopped and just began to learn as much I could about the disorder. I found comfort in understanding more and more about it becuase it further showed me that it wasn't me. It was him. Knowledge didn't help though

And then I found this site. And no matter whether my H knows or not that he has BPD, I do. And with that there are very specific things I can do to try to change my own behavior and focus on myself. My H may never change but I can. We have a workshop about Telling Someone You Think They Have BPD that may help you decide whether you should disclose to her not.

As for now, what issues do you feel are needing the most work in your relationship?

[tomtomtomorrow]

Wow! and Thanks so much for these kind and thoughtful responses.
Firstly I  know that there is plenty of work for me to do on myself. For starters many of the things about my partner that attracted me resonate with my father (with whom things are not quite resolved). Also the notion that there is an experience here that I must endure in order that vital life lessons are learned by me.
After the first post I put up on this board I was too anxious to go home fearing that I be driven to shout it from the rooftops and start WW3.
So I took up an invitation to speak at my close childhood friend's 50th birthday (we were born in the same street-parents continue to be close friends-many many hijinks and fun as we grew up together).
This invitation had arrived in the email a few months earlier and I avoided telling my partner about it (avoidance being a characteristic of mine that I need to address). I know she would say that it would be too hard to make the 1.5 hour flight and that I couldn't afford it and why can't' I make an effort to do things with her. It would then deteriorate into me listing all the things that I organise just for us to do together (where my facts would be then described as 'gaslighting' as well as her agreeing we would both go  together with the very high probability that a last -minute crisis would see the trip abandoned as has happened several times in the past.

So I decided to go and sent this email;

"Obviously I've been struggling recently

Lots of stuff has emerged in the various counselling sessions I've been to as well as reading the The Way of the Superior Man

Possibly too much- I am overwhelmed at the moment, on the edge of bursting into tears constantly.

I feel like a failure and that I'll never live up to the expectations of everyone close to me

 I am working through stuff about my dad... .repressed anger and how it affects pretty much all of my life.

Also mum's outlook is grim and I've got no toolkit to even discuss it with dad on account of this accumulated baggage of anger that lurks between us.


So I am spiritually/emotionally impaired by all this and it's negatively influencing  I interact with you. ... .obviously.

There is more that I can own right now by acknowledging it and no doubt even more that is yet to be revealed.

Big R------ (as in G-----'s son) is having his 50th in Sydney tomorrow night and he (and his partner ) have been hounding me to go and make a speech as his oldest friend. He had a kidney transplant 22 years ago and there are issues.

I said that I couldn't make it but today's session resulted in me realising that to not go would be a regret which would inflame this repressed and generalised anger that I am dealing with. Well to be honest not dealing with is the truth.  

So I am heading up tonight and will be back Sunday before lunchtime.

Please hang in there for you and me

xxx"


We didn't communicate while I was away and I fell into bed on  Sunday morning after taking a sleeping pill. I sensed her in the apartment while sleeping and when I got up her iPad, toothbrush and car keys were gone.

She has not responded to any of my texts/email/calls.

My suspicion is that taking off like that was a MAJOR trigger and she is so angry that she can't/won't communicate with me. I would not be at all surprised to find all her belongings gone from the apartment when I get home and the keys in the letterbox.

Exactly as her previous relationships have concluded... .as she has told me in great detail the failings of her previous partners and the specific occasions where she was wronged.

On the other hand (maybe) this will be different.

TO give a bit of context and answer the kids question here is the text of a note I prepared prior to going the counsellor. The idea was that my partner (The Lady) would draft her side of the story so we had a good basis for the discussion. In the end I went to a different counsellor and she never showed me what she wrote (she said she wrote something);

"

The lady and Tomtomtomorrow first came to see you in late June 2016. You stepped us through the foundation of our relationship and identified some key pressure points.
At this stage the relationship had been enduring  since early 2015 and both had moved from interstate and set up home together  in early 2016.
Tomtomtomorrow was in the process of finalising the divorce from his wife of 14 years as well as negotiating arrangements for his two sons ( 12 and 14).
Moving interstate, starting a new job, the divorce and beginning a new relationship  created significant anxiety for Tomtomtomorrow which he managed through using alcohol. His use of alcohol was one of the pressure points that featured in early consultations.
Tomtomtomorrow also struggled with worrying about the welfare of his children and balancing the need to attend to his relationship with The lady and his desire to be constantly and immediately available to respond to texts and phone calls from the children.
Over time Tomtomtomorrow’s  alcohol use moderated and boundaries were established for phone use.
The children established a routine of visiting from interstate every school holidays. These visits were associated with difficulties in Tomtomtomorrow and The lady’s relationship which were explored in consultations with you. A central theme of these difficulties was the dissonance between The lady’s sense of the disruption and intrusion caused by these visits and Tomtomtomorrow’s sadness and emotional withdrawal from the relationship after the visits.
2017 saw a pattern of crisis and resolution in the relationship that revolved around school holidays.  A key issue was the fact that Tomtomtomorrow’s allocation of annual leave was substantially invested in the children. He sought to ameliorate this through arranging a sailing holiday as well as initiating weekend trips.
By 2018 the core difficulty in the relationship had become The lady’s frustration with the fact that she had no external demands impacting on her capacity to focus on the relationship while Tomtomtomorrow was always maintaining a level of engagement and focus outside of the relationship onto the children.  This enduring engagement of Tomtomtomorrow’s resulted in The lady feeling that her needs, plans and priorities were constantly subject to the vagaries the real and imagined needs of the children.
Tomtomtomorrow’s inability to articulate  a plan for the immediate future that makes The lady believe their relationship is on an equal footing with Tomtomtomorrow’s relationship with the children is at the heart of the reason for this consultation.
Tomtomtomorrow is experiencing a conundrum involving his relationship with The lady and his relationship with his children. This is resulting in a high level of anxiety that compounds the situation through making it difficult for him to function effectively on a range of levels."



In re-reading this note for the counsellor the sailing holiday stands out as a classic example of the whole relationship;
In response to her saying that I didn't do enough with her last August I arranged a 10 day yacht charter for just the two of us. During this time a had (truly) three brief phone calls to the kids. I was later told that these calls ruined the entire trip for her as they were an intrusion. More recently I was told that (as I am a sailor) the trip did not count as evidence of my investment in the relationship as I was doing to satisfy my own needs and only a bushwalking trip would have been adequate... .

Anyway thanks again for the validation and caring responses-it truly helps

t

[tomtomtomorrow]

And I think the notion of working on myself first is an excellent place to begin!

[Tattered Heart]

I'm glad that you've found some solace in looking at yourself and how you've been reacting to things. ANy updates? Did she come home?

[pearlsw]

Hi tomtomtomorrow,

Do I understand correctly that you took a trip on short notice to your partner and this upset her and now she does not want to be around? She's upset over this?

How are you coping with your anxiety? Was the experience seeing your friend a positive one for you?

warmly, pearl.

[tomtomtomorrow]

thanks for the questions.

She correctly interpreted my sudden departure as leaving the door open for her to leave. I told her when I returned that I was anticipating coming back to an empty flat.

Somehow this communicated my distress and the fact that I had hit the wall (had enough etc... .) more effectively than all the times I told her that beforehand.

No lines run straight... .no outcomes are easy to predict.

But she agreed to participating in counselling and went to a session where the counsellor explained my point of view (based on my previous sessions).

I can see she was shocked and confronted and is reeling as a result of me taking off for a few days and her hearing for a third person exactly what I've been saying for ages.

Our recent  conversations shave been marked by her obvious efforts not to explode as is the usual pattern. But listening to me actively (not interrupting/talking over) remains a challenge.

Responding in a black and white way to everything also endures.

For my part I openly acknowledge that there is work for me to do on my behaviours

So all in all there is some basis for a quiet optimism... .

[tomtomtomorrow]

seeing my childhood friend was wonderful- strengthened our connections  which was/is so supportive.
 Instead of being rigidly bound up with anxiety I am now in a place where I both laugh and cry very easily (and without much ability to control it). I think this is about coming to accept my situation as it is  which is the first step towards meaningful change.