Are few friends or no friends a red flag?

[Depression = 72% of members]

Are few friends or no friends a red flag for a Borderline Personality ?

First thing i noticed it was that, my ex had few friends and most of her friends were males.
She was jealous even against her friends, she speaked against them many times
and was jealous against other womens.
She had no good relationships with other females, especially the good looking ones... .

[amunt]

Are few friends or no friends a red flag for a Borderline Personality ?

First thing i noticed it was that, my ex had few friends and most of her friends were males.
She was jealous even against her friends, she speaked against them many times
and was jealous against other womens.
She had no good relationships with other females, especially the good looking ones... .

[pjstock42]

I wonder the same thing. For me personally, I didn't think anything of her lack of friends at the start because I'm a very introverted person and have always just had a very close relationship with my best friend whom I've known since childhood and then a few other platonic friends here and there.

As time went on, I found out that beyond having no static group of friends, she also didn't have a best friend or anything close to it. She ended up telling me how she would have a "best friend" for a year or two, then there would be some kind of falling out and they would never speak again. Huge  there but this was when I was in the middle of the idealization phase and had no idea what BPD was yet.

Along with never having a real long-term best friend or any kind of long-term friend in general, she spoke horribly about the few platonic friends that she did have whom she knew through work or school. She would constantly be telling me of how all of her female friends were huge sluts and how their boyfriends were trashy etc. She would always be talking badly about her friends romantic relationships and would basically be criticizing them nonstop and of course appending these rants by saying how perfect I was and how amazing our relationship was etc.

The only relationships in her life that lasted any extended period of time were with her sister and mother and even with them she would talk badly about them to me sometimes. Early on, every day she would have some new rant about her sister that would usually end up with her breaking down in tears and telling me how great I was for listening to her go on about this stuff on a regular basis. Of course, once I had begun to be devalued, it was her sister who she leaned on and used to triangulate me through painting this horrible picture of who I was and I never had any line of communication with her sister which was intended.

pwBPD (from my limited experience) seem to be like emotional ping pong balls that are constantly bouncing from one place to the next in terms of relationships whether they be platonic, romantic, professional etc. They go into each new relationship with some pie in the sky idealized view of the person and when the person (whether truly or just through the skewed perception of the pwBPD) cannot live up to these unrealistic expectations, they are suddenly nothing but trash and they are on to repeat the same cycle with the next hand-picked person who walks into their life. Every time my ex would have a new friend or a new coworker who she liked, she wouldn't stop talking about how great & amazing they were. Then, a few months or so later, you would never hear about the again and it was like they no longer existed.

I've been wondering lately, are the people out there who really will ever fulfill the fantasies of pwBPD? It seems like the cycle will just continually play out and leave them to never have any meaningful relationships in life but is it possible that there really IS that perfect friend / romantic partner / boss etc who they will actually cling to and never devalue? It's an interesting question because they do such an amazing job at making each new person feel like they really are that special one who "gets" them and will fix all of their problems yet that never seems to actually come to fruition. Just thinking out loud here but I guess my question is if these "saviors" really do exist out there or if the cycle will perpetually repeat itself unless the pwBPD gets some serious help.

[amunt]

Its not exist , they will break up soon or later.

I remember one time she get mad because i greet her best friend in the street and started to blame me
that i liked her , want her etc LOOL

They are crazy, i thought that just she love me to much thats why she is so jealous even at her
"best friend"

[michel71]

I wonder the same thing. For me personally, I didn't think anything of her lack of friends at the start because I'm a very introverted person and have always just had a very close relationship with my best friend whom I've known since childhood and then a few other platonic friends here and there.

As time went on, I found out that beyond having no static group of friends, she also didn't have a best friend or anything close to it. She ended up telling me how she would have a "best friend" for a year or two, then there would be some kind of falling out and they would never speak again. Huge  there but this was when I was in the middle of the idealization phase and had no idea what BPD was yet.

Along with never having a real long-term best friend or any kind of long-term friend in general, she spoke horribly about the few platonic friends that she did have whom she knew through work or school. She would constantly be telling me of how all of her female friends were huge sluts and how their boyfriends were trashy etc. She would always be talking badly about her friends romantic relationships and would basically be criticizing them nonstop and of course appending these rants by saying how perfect I was and how amazing our relationship was etc.

The only relationships in her life that lasted any extended period of time were with her sister and mother and even with them she would talk badly about them to me sometimes. Early on, every day she would have some new rant about her sister that would usually end up with her breaking down in tears and telling me how great I was for listening to her go on about this stuff on a regular basis. Of course, once I had begun to be devalued, it was her sister who she leaned on and used to triangulate me through painting this horrible picture of who I was and I never had any line of communication with her sister which was intended.

pwBPD (from my limited experience) seem to be like emotional ping pong balls that are constantly bouncing from one place to the next in terms of relationships whether they be platonic, romantic, professional etc. They go into each new relationship with some pie in the sky idealized view of the person and when the person (whether truly or just through the skewed perception of the pwBPD) cannot live up to these unrealistic expectations, they are suddenly nothing but trash and they are on to repeat the same cycle with the next hand-picked person who walks into their life. Every time my ex would have a new friend or a new coworker who she liked, she wouldn't stop talking about how great & amazing they were. Then, a few months or so later, you would never hear about the again and it was like they no longer existed.

I've been wondering lately, are the people out there who really will ever fulfill the fantasies of pwBPD? It seems like the cycle will just continually play out and leave them to never have any meaningful relationships in life but is it possible that there really IS that perfect friend / romantic partner / boss etc who they will actually cling to and never devalue? It's an interesting question because they do such an amazing job at making each new person feel like they really are that special one who "gets" them and will fix all of their problems yet that never seems to actually come to fruition. Just thinking out loud here but I guess my question is if these "saviors" really do exist out there or if the cycle will perpetually repeat itself unless the pwBPD gets some serious help.

[/color]

I totally feel the same way. Great insight!

[michel71]

HUGE RED FLAG... .that I did not see. I didn't know about BPD.
She no longer spoke to her family and did not have any friends. She said that they all betrayed her or treated her horribly. In fact, not one single person in her past she spoke highly of except for her first boyfriend who seemed like an AWESOME guy who totally took good care of her and wanted to marry her. But he was too boring, didn't like adventure and she left him. And she didn't keep in contact with him.
" AN ex is an EX"... .that is what she said to me. Now she wants to divorce so I will join the long line of those before me who came into her life and disappointed her.

[amunt]

HUGE RED FLAG... .that I did not see. I didn't know about BPD.
She no longer spoke to her family and did not have any friends. She said that they all betrayed her or treated her horribly. In fact, not one single person in her past she spoke highly of except for her first boyfriend who seemed like an AWESOME guy who totally took good care of her and wanted to marry her. But he was too boring, didn't like adventure and she left him. And she didn't keep in contact with him.
" AN ex is an EX"... .that is what she said to me. Now she wants to divorce so I will join the long line of those before me who came into her life and disappointed her.

Hahaha, bro i feel you.
We had a brawl in the past and i told her that maybe we must broke up and be friends , she get mad and told
me "I AM NOT FRIEND WITH MY EX'S " 

Red Flags everywhere, but i was blind.
How she treat her ex's will treat you too

[gotbushels]

Are few friends or no friends a red flag for a Borderline Personality ?

Interesting thought amunt. I don't recall this being a recognised red flag. I think higher functioning BPs can have many friends, lower functioning ones will have fewer. I think this results from social traits more. You can have few friends and still be normal. So I think that's not a very good red flag. It's an interesting point though because it looks at their other relationships, which is believed to be good indicator.

E.g.,  pjstock42 raised his experience:

Along with never having a real long-term best friend or any kind of long-term friend in general, she spoke horribly about the few platonic friends that she did have whom she knew through work or school. She would constantly be telling me of how all of her female friends were huge sluts and how their boyfriends were trashy etc. She would always be talking badly about her friends romantic relationships and would basically be criticizing them nonstop and of course appending these rants by saying how perfect I was and how amazing our relationship was etc.

I read this and I think of two children fighting. Lots of conflict. No resolution. Drama. Blaming. That would start me asking more questions, than a quantity of friends.

pwBPD (from my limited experience) seem to be like emotional ping pong balls that are constantly bouncing from one place to the next in terms of relationships whether they be platonic, romantic, professional etc.

Seems like some persistent inability to perceive others. Perhaps you might look at this in future and see it as the possible pwBPD's idealisation / devaluation and projection rolled up for you to see? Let's recall BPD still technically requires 5/9 traits though.   

[JerryRG]

My experience, just this afternoon my exgf told me she had absolutely no friends, her whole family hated her, she trusted no one. In the past she had several male friends "flying monkeys" who would help her out and pity her.

I really don't blame anyone for not being her friend, she's a horrible person.

[maddy786]

They always play the "victim" in any situation. She spoke many things about her own sister and now since i am devalued she tells about me to her sister. Sick, sick, sick, sick... .

She fought with me and physically abused me for not lifting her calls after 3 rings... .I thought it was love... .But once its ended she threw me like a tissue... .

[gotbushels]

They always play the "victim" in any situation. She spoke many things about her own sister and now since i am devalued she tells about me to her sister. Sick, sick, sick, sick... .

She fought with me and physically abused me for not lifting her calls after 3 rings... .I thought it was love... .But once its ended she threw me like a tissue... .

Seems like you're in pain maddy786. When we look after a victim figure and they don't give us what we want, it can hurt. To be thrown like a tissue sounds difficult. How are you handling it?

[maddy786]

I am a self motivating person, but the only thing i should introspect is how come i trusted a person so much... .with my life... .