Ok so to
once removed, thanks for the follow up.
im not a psychotherapist or an expert or professional of any kind. it would be the height of arrogance for me to say "these are your issues, this is what to do about them". i dont know any of that.
I guess I was (am?) arrogant enough to expect to be able to come up with a solution to every problem that comes my way. Sorry I put you on the spot there.
that said, when asked, im happy to offer observations.
And I am very thankful for that.
what you mentioned about the loss of your grandpa and "deciding not to be sad" is very telling. it suggests to me that you might have shut off major sources of emotions at a very young age. this makes it difficult to be in touch with ourselves, or others, in very real ways.
that is born out by having few if any intimate relationships. that breaks my heart, because i can tell youre a good dude with a lot to offer and receive.
from a psychoanalytic standpoint, it may require going back to a/the source. to letting yourself cry and grieve for your grandpa, and to feel those feelings. there may be huge parts of you that youve kept locked away since.
The thing is, just like I said before, I don't know what to make of it. I guess like you said, not having someone I felt like I could rely on made me take it upon myself to "not break down and cry".
But I don't feel like crying right now, maybe when another opportunity to grieve I will be more open to letting myself feel, but it seems there's an issue I'm not sure I can point out that's preventing me from doing any of it right now.
I've broken down and cried before due to problems with my parents, not about them with me but the situation in general. My mom saw it once, but it seemed to her like it wasn't my place to be sad about it because I had nothing to do with it or caused it in any way. I realize that but its still frustrating to be immersed in such situations and not be able to do anything and still suffer the consequences, sort of like with my gf's heightened sensibility.
Now that I'm an adult and people listen to me because I'm no longer "a kid that doesn't know better" I feel the "power" to control the situation, and for the most part, after they started listening to what I had to say because of the divorce "crisis", it has gotten a lot better on both ends.
That's probably why I mentioned way back how I wanted to be "officially official" with my gf, up to and including marriage, so her family had to listen, her coworkers had to take me into consideration, heck even police had to listen to me if she ran off or did something reckless when dysregulated: I want that agency.
when i say that this relationship sounds "aloof", i mean it feels very detached, and not intimate, almost as if you barely know each other even after spending many hours/days together, dating, having sex, etc. perhaps im wrong about that; its just how it sounds from here. yet there is, as you say, something very powerful that draws you to it/her.
I've said it before in passing, the good times are the best I've had with anyone. Though I still don't quite get what you mean with "we barely know each other"?
I haven't mentioned the little details because again, I haven't seen how they relate to the problem at hand.
There is something very powerful that draws me to her, it there from the first time we started talking. She was also very drawn to me, to the point of being surprised she was so comfortable around me and that she wasn't as talkative with anyone, that caused her to retreat the first time around, no breakup though.
I kept chasing, she loved our conversations, we had fun, we talked about our lives before we met, we would flirt and have fun with each other. It was a dream come true.
Of course she was wary of letting her "evil side" ruin things. She was aware of it, she mentioned it a few times.
I don't feel like posting too many details about the good times because there are things there that I feel are not correct to be said here, but I felt a connection, and I think she did too, but we might both be afraid to lose it so much after all the bad that's happened in our lives, I see that now.
it sounds to me like your primary interest is essentially to be a life coach to her, so long as she is nice, and willing.
I didn't know about any of it when I met her, only about our second breakup did I start researching and stumbled across BPD. So no, my interest is in her and what we had, the helping her part is part of a "full package" kind of thing.
How could I love a person romantically and not want her to be better or help her get through difficult times?
But I see your point, at one point I did feel like things were "too good" and had my "paranoid moment" when I was sure she was lying to me. Not my best moment to be honest.
This is the most "in depth" I've been in trying to come up with a solution to my/our issues, before it had been focused on managing her outbursts and it worked. Now there was no outbursts, I don't know how to handle it, so I came here looking for answers.
for instance, if all the problems were solved, if there was no puzzle, no mystery, nothing to win or obtain, i wonder if you would still be interested.
At one point there was nothing wrong and that triggered my "paranoid moment/gut feeling". I was still interested, but I did kept some distance. That caused her anxiety, I managed to reassure her but I thought "I need just a few days to have this blow over, I want her to see me at my best".
The day she cut me off I was ready to go back to my romantic and caring self, but she had cut me off already. And I was ready before I noticed the "breakup", so my "coming back" was not precipitated by it.
I did panic and contact her everywhere, blocked every time. Not a good idea.
So yeah, I'm interested in more than "her issues".
we often do these things to avoid, or to ensure that we are always seeking but never quite obtaining real intimacy. while it assures pain, often times, that is the draw.
It would have to be quite subconscious in my case, if at all, because I definitely don't feel like "being in pain" or the "melancholic longing" is the draw for me here.
I simply haven't had that before, and after noticing what happened with friends and family in my early years I see that I fear that close connection will be taken away from me (like my friend-cousin) or be destroyed by her being someone other than who she "claims" to be (like the highschool junkie "best friends" and their secret world away from school or the business partner friend).
I feel like I have that with her when she's in a good mood, just now it seems more like when we both are. I trigger her as much as she triggers me it seems.
learning about vulnerability, intimacy, trust, and how to build these things over time, will likely go a long way for you in connecting with others and building sustainable and mutually rewarding relationships.
I thought I had that with my friends when I was with them, but later I found out they were not how they showed themselves to be. I might be doing that myself here and not notice it.
The point is, it seems here that the "solution" is to accept that "closeness" in relationships and people in general are not supposed to be "stable" but fluid, and accept that at one point we'll be close, and we'll fall behind and apart for a while, and then seek that connection again at a later time and that those changes don't make a relationship or my image of a person I care about "over" or "destroyed".
It seems I've been doing that all my life, either you're a good person or I don't trust you anymore.
i know of no one here with the skills or expertise to guide you in the steps required to do that.
What you've done for me these past weeks has been eye opening and I'm thankful for that. I asked Randi Kreger in a post she had recently (THE EXPERT haha) and she said there are no answers here. I thought at first it was specifically about my question (about stopping splitting), but I see its much more than that, so even if everyone here was a trained professional I still don't think anyone would be qualified to deliver what I asked for.
we havent spoken in detail about your history with your dad, but i gather there is a lot there. i would encourage you to start a thread on the Parent/Sibling/In law board and explore this; id be happy to participate.
Will do after the holidays probably, I have a lot of family coming together, including my estranged friend-cousin and some distant relatives. I want to experience one last christmas together before I move out away from here.
That's why January was the date I chose to move out: could have moved out since september, but I am looking forward to this. My gf knew about this and I was going to spend time with her before I moved out, that's why the getaway was planned then aswell, work was taken care of and I could focus my undivided attention on us.
I asked my dad to get a natural christmas tree (we've had a synthetic for close to ten years now, its missing pieces and the lights didn't work anymore), we've wrapped presents and set up lights for him.
It's the best christmas season we've had in a long time.
I know how it sounds but I want to enter this special time with family without any agenda. I will work on those issues after that, new year new me right? Right now I will be in the moment.
I'll keep posting, right now I don't know what to do exactly about this situation other than just wait and see what happens. If she does contact me like I "predicted" I'll post asap, I wouldn't want to make christmas a bad time for her or for myself if she does.
And drop by
faithfulinlove's thread (if you're reading this yourself, Hi faithful!), she seems to be struggling and I've been commenting on her situation, if I'm unavailable I wouldn't want her to feel left alone, she mentioned she hasn't had anyone to talk to so any attention you would have directed at me try and direct it at her for now if you can .
Thanks again, and like my gf once said to me after a crisis: "you did good".