How to trust again?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I was pretty naive about my ex, I never considered for a long time that she might be cheating on me, but the more I read, the more likely it seems. She worked away for work sometimes and tended to catch up with friends while there, male and female. She also spent some times living in a flatshare with a couple of guys there. I'd speak to her each evening, but now I think maybe she was cheating with one of those friends before or after talking to me.

I've no direct evidence at all, and these friends met and knew about me, so maybe she didn't need to while I was around, only at the end while arranging the replacement (who did turn out out be one of those friends). She accused me of wanting to cheat and would go through my phone, but I never considered to do the same to her. I'll never know the truth and that's very frustrating - how many were there? None? One? A hundred? I've been very stupid and feel a fool, and probably been exposed to possible STIs to boot.

I'm concerned about future relationships. I don't want to become the person who secretly checks his partners messages, computer etc, or doesn't let his partner out of sight, or have friends, but now I know what people are capable of, and really don't want to be made a fool of again. Trust seems an important part of a relationship to me and mine was totally betrayed. How do you go about trusting again?

[camuse]

I was pretty naive about my ex, I never considered for a long time that she might be cheating on me, but the more I read, the more likely it seems. She worked away for work sometimes and tended to catch up with friends while there, male and female. She also spent some times living in a flatshare with a couple of guys there. I'd speak to her each evening, but now I think maybe she was cheating with one of those friends before or after talking to me.

I've no direct evidence at all, and these friends met and knew about me, so maybe she didn't need to while I was around, only at the end while arranging the replacement (who did turn out out be one of those friends). She accused me of wanting to cheat and would go through my phone, but I never considered to do the same to her. I'll never know the truth and that's very frustrating - how many were there? None? One? A hundred? I've been very stupid and feel a fool, and probably been exposed to possible STIs to boot.

I'm concerned about future relationships. I don't want to become the person who secretly checks his partners messages, computer etc, or doesn't let his partner out of sight, or have friends, but now I know what people are capable of, and really don't want to be made a fool of again. Trust seems an important part of a relationship to me and mine was totally betrayed. How do you go about trusting again?

[enlighten me]

One g I realised is that my gut instinct was pretty spot on but I chose to ignore it. This isn't something I will do in the future.

The times both my exs cheated on me that I know off I remember feeling ill at ease about the situation. My gut was telling me there was something wrong but I naively chose to ignore this. There where other times that I felt like this but have nothing to back it up but I have no doubt they where up to something.

I have vowed that if I ever get this feeling in a future relationship I will not brush it under the carpet but will tackle it there and then.

[fromheeltoheal]

How do you go about trusting again?

By trusting our gut feel.  Our gut is never wrong, but it speaks to us in feelings instead of thoughts; that's why it's not called 'gut thought'.  I had a negative gut feeling about my ex for most of the relationship, but overrode it with my brain, endless justifications to try and make the pretty picture in my head, that perfect relationship, a reality.  No.  Bad move.  Trust your gut.  My gut feel was right, as usual, she was unfaithful to me with several men, and had I listened to it, I would have been gone much sooner.  Note to self (again): don't ignore your gut.

So did your gut know on some level what was going on?  :)id you ignore it and push forward anyway?

[freedom33]

I can feel your struggles. I 'd agree with 'enlighten me'. Usually where there is smoke there is fire. When your gut is telling you that something is wrong usually it is right. When I had a gut feeling 3 different times that something is wrong in the past with three different girlfriends - I confronted them and caught them all doing something or being up to something. Actually cheating, flirting etc is much more common than we think it is. Apparently more than half of married people have cheated each other or some ridiculous statistic like that... .

Where I am getting with all this is that there's no guarantee that this will not happen again, it is quite common but if you hear your gut then you will be able to anticipate it.  

[camuse]

No, I didnt have a gut feeling about cheating , until the very end when it was basically over anyway. This is what concerns me, and why I wish I knew the truth - that my gut never picked up on anything. I had a strong gut feeling about the whole relationship being deeply wrong in some way, but never considered cheating. We were having sex like 20 times a week for the whole relationship - she wanted it every morning, and at least once in the evening, every day. But now I look at all the constant projection and think its probably likely it did happen.

Maybe it didn't, hence no feeling. It's just what I've been reading about how they always cheat if the chance is there, and the way she accused me constantly of flirting/cheating/looking at other women that makes me think this now. I did use her phone a couple of times and she wasnt concerned, but she might have not had evidence on it anyway. Is it possible while the attachment is strong that they don't need to cheat?

[Popcorn71]

No, I didnt have a gut feeling about cheating , until the very end when it was basically over anyway. This is what concerns me, and why I wish I knew the truth - that my gut never picked up on anything. I had a strong gut feeling about the whole relationship being deeply wrong in some way, but never considered cheating.

I was reading this thread and thinking just this.  I never had that feeling either.  I would have expected a lot of things from my ex but really never believed he would cheat.  He had done such a good job of convincing me to trust him.  Fidelity was so important to him (or so he told me).  He always swore that if we had problems and he felt the need to be with somebody else, he would talk to me and end our relationship first.

What he did was line up the replacement and dump me out of the blue.  In his mind, (again so he said) he didn't cheat because we weren't together.  Now, I don't even believe that.  I think it was going on for a while before he ended it with me.  I think he needed to know that he could definately be with her before giving me up.

I too feel that I will never trust again.  I have been too trusting in several past relationships and each time my trust has been abused.  I'd rather be cynical and suspicious now because at least that way I will be one step ahead instead of 10 steps behind.

I can fully understand why you think as you do.

[camuse]

No, I didnt have a gut feeling about cheating , until the very end when it was basically over anyway. This is what concerns me, and why I wish I knew the truth - that my gut never picked up on anything. I had a strong gut feeling about the whole relationship being deeply wrong in some way, but never considered cheating.

I was reading this thread and thinking just this.  I never had that feeling either.  I would have expected a lot of things from my ex but really never believed he would cheat.  He had done such a good job of convincing me to trust him.  Fidelity was so important to him (or so he told me).  He always swore that if we had problems and he felt the need to be with somebody else, he would talk to me and end our relationship first.

What he did was line up the replacement and dump me out of the blue.  In his mind, (again so he said) he didn't cheat because we weren't together.  Now, I don't even believe that.  I think it was going on for a while before he ended it with me.  I think he needed to know that he could definately be with her before giving me up.

I too feel that I will never trust again.  I have been too trusting in several past relationships and each time my trust has been abused.  I'd rather be cynical and suspicious now because at least that way I will be one step ahead instead of 10 steps behind.

I can fully understand why you think as you do.

Yes that's precisely what mine said and did - she said she'd end a relationship rather than cheat, but she admitted cheating on the bloke before me but it was right at the end of the relationship when they were basically broken up in all but name (her explanation).

Mine I think also lined a replacement up while we were "on a break" towards the end so she could justify it, then ended it and went to him. I can live with this because frankly I should have ended it myself before then, it was a car crash by that point. It's the suspicion that she was at it all along that makes me feel cynical and suspicious now. But I might be worrying about nothing - she might not even have done anything.

I just don't want to become that guy, who is always keeping tabs on his partner. I hate it being done to me, and don't want to be the one doing it but I also don't want to be made a fool of again.

[freedom33]

I don't think she cheated on me. She was regularly flirting with others and also lying off her teeth, which heightened my paranoia and thoughts that she might be cheating on me, but I dont think she actually cheated on me. One can never be sure though. I 'd say if you are doubting the person you are with then there is something wrong there either in one of you or in both of you.

To be completely honest with you - if I am having a good time with the other person, I feel appreciated, respected, cared for - you know what? I don't care if there is a slip off and my gd/wife etc ends up cheating on me as a one off or something (as long as I dont find out). We are humans and things like that happen. But if you are treated like ___ and then being cheated on top? That's too much I think.

I can't believe I actually typed this - I used to be very possesive especially before my BPD relationship. I guess that's one good change this might have induced in me.

[camuse]

I don't think she cheated on me. She was regularly flirting with others and also lying off her teeth, which heightened my paranoia and thoughts that she might be cheating on me, but I dont think she actually cheated on me. One can never be sure though. I 'd say if you are doubting the person you are with then there is something wrong there either in one of you or in both of you.

To be completely honest with you - if I am having a good time with the other person, I feel appreciated, respected, cared for - you know what? I don't care if there is a slip off and my gd/wife etc ends up cheating on me as a one off or something (as long as I dont find out). We are humans and things like that happen. But if you are treated like and then being cheated on top? That's too much I think.

I can't believe I actually typed this - I used to be very possesive especially before my BPD relationship. I guess that's one good change this might have induced in me.

Ah, great post - yes, its more the deceit and projection that actual cheating that annoys me I think. Being made to feel like I was in the wrong for having the odd female friend, while she was off doing anyone who asked. And when we broke up she continued to ask to check my phone and accuse me of moving on even though it was over - saying "you just can't go without it" - but it was her who had a new guy within a few days!

It's just all woken me up to the fact that people can be the total 100% opposite of what they seem - and that's a bit scary. I never experienced madness like this before. It's just weird that there are people like that, the mirroring, the projection. I take people at face value, maybe it's good to have been woken up a bit.

[freedom33]

I take people at face value, maybe it's good to have been woken up a bit.

Funny you mention this. Just this morning I remembered that I had this rule which I was proud of and used to tell people. 'I will believe anything you say but if you lie to me I won't believe you again.'

This rule has changed as of this morning to 'to have my trust you have to earn it'.

Being made to feel like I was in the wrong for having the odd female friend

I know what you mean. After 2 months in I cut off all my female friends because she was so jealous of them. I was so in love I thought I don't need anyone but her. Her jealousy was even a good thing as it confirmed that she was really into me. But then again at parties and gatherings of my friends I took her she only talked to the guys not to women. She said that women don't get her humour.

[letmeout]

Being with a BPD person makes you ignore your gut instincts. On some level I knew he was lying, cheating and stealing. I was in denial. Not anymore though 

[fromheeltoheal]

I had a strong gut feeling about the whole relationship being deeply wrong in some way,

So that's how you trust again; if you get that feeling again, bring it up, the right person will work through it with you, the wrong one will avoid the conversation, tell you you're wrong, or some other evasion.  And then you can act accordingly.

[Hopeless777]

I'm not sure I agree whole heartedly. My BPDw said "she knew I was having an affair" because "woman's intuition told her so" and "woman's intuition is always right." She couldn't have been more wrong as I've never cheated physically or emotionally in our whole 27+ year marriage. So I'd be very careful about "going with your gut." Sometimes it's just plain wrong and the victim of other obsessions.

[enlighten me]

Hi Hopeless777

Yes your gut could be wrong. One thing to bear in mind though is that were talking about people with normal thinking and logic. I bet your ex wife said a lot of crazy stuff other than you were having an affair.

I think the gut feeling is a reaction to abnormal behaviour (if you can define that when a BPD is involved). Little snippets of information or actions that are odd will trigger a gut feeling that something is wrong.

[Infared]

"She accused me of wanting to cheat and would go through my phone,"

That is because she is a cheater and of course she projects her immoral character on you. 

She is a big time cheater, showing you her cards and she doesn't even know it... .If you are honest and faithful it makes her hate herself inside more than we know, I bet.

I don't know how to get the trust back. I never did. I trust no woman. Ever.

[mitchell16]

im kinda at the same point of learning to trust again. I wanting to trust again. In past relationships I never checked their phone computer etc... .BUt with my BPD I was checking or looking all the time. I never caught her but IM pretty sure it happened but I think it hapened while on one of her manufactured break ups to hook up deals. but im still wondering how I will trust again, she destroyed that.

[letmeout]

Yes the trust in future relationships is a hard one after this kind of experience.

I keep telling myself that not all people are untrustworthy!

I still don't know how to trust again either, but I am determined to find out!

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm not sure I agree whole heartedly. My BPDw said "she knew I was having an affair" because "woman's intuition told her so" and "woman's intuition is always right." She couldn't have been more wrong as I've never cheated physically or emotionally in our whole 27+ year marriage. So I'd be very careful about "going with your gut." Sometimes it's just plain wrong and the victim of other obsessions.

Yes, but remember borderlines are liars.  A borderline, being terrified of abandonment, and engulfment for that matter, will say or do whatever they think they have to, to keep someone from abandoning them, and to keep from losing themselves, a sketchy line, with the only contentment being on the fence between abandonment and engulfment.  One way to do that, popular around here, is for the borderline to be in control, and if then can confuse you with lies, keep you off balance, you'll be easier to control.

So yes, trust your gut feel, absolutely because it's never wrong, although we can be trained to ignore it by someone who's trying to control us.  Just don't necessarily trust what someone else tells you their gut feel says.

[elessar]

Emotions and logic are two parts of the brain. The logical part always knew something was off. Thats why I would ask friends whats going on, because so much didnt make sense. But then I overrode logic with emotions.

I stuck with her because my emotions said "in the end this girl will never do a wrong thing." Listen to the logical part of your brain. It doesnt argue with itself. Emotions argue with themselves with push-pull and trying to reach an answer we want, not the answer that is.

I dont know how to trust because I am still trying to tamp down emotions. But I am hoping in future logic will rule over emotions.