My newly found backbone is being tested this morning...

[allibaba]

A little background on me is that about 2 months ago I got some tips on these boards of how to start enforcing boundaries... .

I set to work immediately and consistently because our situation at home had gotten so bad that frankly I didn't think that I had anything to lose.  My attempts to keep the peace weren't working.  I saw immediate effect with my uBPDh and other than a few small hiccups, we have had a wonderful couple of months.  He has been working, helping around the house, helping with our son, doing projects with me.  There was been a good pivotal shift in our dynamic.  I am starting to hang out with friends and get my life back!  

I knew in the back of my mind that a test was coming at some point in the future and it showed up in all its glory this morning.

He woke up in horrors.  I suspect that it was anxiety or nightmares, but almost immediately he started by calling me a name.  I was actually going to let it slide as long as he changed his tone/ tact immediately but he didn't.  He started calling me stupid and every name in the book because I had given him a glass of water (and apparently he already had a bottle of water in the bedroom).  I told him that if he continued like this then he was on his own to make breakfast and his lunch.  The response was he threw the glass of water at me.  It didn't hit me but it was designed to scare me.

I turned and walked outside.  He came out and said "don't you walk away from me when I am talking to you" and I told him "that I will not stand around and be called names and have things thrown at me while I make his breakfast and lunch.  If he wants to act that way then he is on his own."  

At this point he hurled every nasty thing that he could think of at me.  He told me that I am worse than his ex-wife (she's an evil NPD who has now been married 5x).  He told me that I am scum of the earth and that I am so weak that I won't help him just because he called me a name (no mention of the projectile water glass  ).  He told me that if he had known that I was such a weak horrible dishonest person than he would never have married me.  He told me that he's had it with me and that I can look for a place to live because he is DONE with me.  He repeated over and over again that I need to move out.  (yeah... . for the record I am not going anywhere!)

He also said that he doesn't know who I have been talking to... . getting advise from... . but they are useless and I have no backbone (you guys are useless!   )

One side of me says "awesome.  this is an opportunity for progress... . to show him that even if he pushes... . being abusive won't get him what he wants."  I also have to say that if I hadn't enforced boundaries (based on the look in his eyes and his breathing) the situation could have been worse this morning.  I really don't want to be a domestic violence statistic -- which is why I finally decided that my life had to change.  The reality was that enforcing the boundary this morning may not have stopped the verbal issues but I am pretty sure it stopped anything that would have come after that.

A small little piece of me is still scared "what if he's serious... . what is he leaves... . what if, what if, what if"

I know that I did the right thing.  I just wanted to share because its still scary (emotionally).  I am annoyed that he thinks that I am so weak that someone is telling me how to behave.    I always knew that I needed to enforce boundaries... . its recently I realized why it wasn't working for us... . but its me that has to have the strength to make changes for me.

I truly love my husband with all my heart.  He is my rock, my best friend through thick and thin for 10 yrs.  

I'm just looking for a little positive reinforcement this morning because it was scary (in more way than one).

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wrongturn1]

allibaba,

Glad you managed to dodge that flying water glass! 

Kudos to you for the progress you have made thus far.  It sounds like your husband has sensed the change in dynamics and is trying to restore things to the way they were before.  Now is the time when you must stand firm in enforcing your boundaries to make sure that your positive progress continues instead of reversing course.  Hang in there!   

[toomanyeggshells]

Sounds like you did a great job allibaba!  Its tough to stand our ground at times, but well worth it for our own mental health.   

[allibaba]

Thank you both... . exactly the positive reinforcement that I am looking for.  

Wrongturn1 you are correct... . my husband noticed a change immediately.  In fact, he has probably said 20x in different conversations that he is so happy that I am finding myself... . and that he feels like for the first time he is learning that he married an amazingly strong woman.  

He knows that something has changed and for whatever reason this morning he just wanted someone to take out his stress on... . when I wasn't willing to participate it made him MAD MAD MAD.

Thank you both.

I have plans to go over to a friend's house tomorrow night to bring a pizza and watch a movie.  My husband is supposed to put our toddler to bed and stay home with him so that I can have a night out.  Based on this morning... . I called another friend and made sure that she was available to babysit in the event that my husband bails on me.  That way I can still have my night out.   

[Grey Kitty]

  Yes indeed, you passed the test!

And keeping your plan for a fun separate evening, with contingencies to take care of your son is great for you!

And yes you are right--he wanted to take his feelings out on you and you didn't cooperate, which made him even more mad. He'll get over it.

How did the tirade end? Did you walk out of earshot, did he wind down, or did he leave to do something else?

 GK

[allibaba]

Grey Kitty,

He wandered around the house for a little while making breakfast and packing his lunch. 

When I started doing the dishes (normal morning routine - don't like to leave the house dirty) he told me that I should be looking for a new place to live instead of doing the dishes.   

I sat outside for a little while and then realized that I needed to get on with my day.  For a little while I was worried that he might not go to work (self-destructive behavior trick that he's pulled before). 

At that point, I went in and told him that since he was still home, I was going for a run with the dogs (our son was still asleep.  mini man has an amazing ability to sleep through projectile water glasses outside his bedroom  )... . my husband high tailed to his truck about 30 seconds later to go to work. 

I still managed to get in my run and both the dogs and I were grateful for that

As an added bonus, since I found a backbone... . my dogs listen to me better too.  The book "Be the Pack Leader Comes to Mind."  Added bonus of implementing the lessons in your life... . your dogs become better trained.   

[Bloomer]

I'm so sorry. That does sound really scary. And try to keep reminding yourself that you know the truth and that you aren't a terrible person. And most likely he will regret saying those things and throwing the glass but he might not be able to admit it or really sympathize with how that must have made you feel. Just try to focus on keeping your support system strong and finding a happy place for yourself to help deal with the hurt feelings. Someone suggested that I make a list of happy things to do when I feel hurt by things my husband says/does when he's raging. Are there happy things you can do to make yourself feel better?

[allibaba]

Thanks everyone.  It never feels good to get yelled at or told that you are scum of the earth, but it feels far better not to JUST TAKE IT.

My husband just tagged me in a photo on facebook.  Its a picture of him and our son from about a year ago.  Its pretty random but I am sure its his way of waving a white flag about this morning.  No telling what I will come home to, but honestly I am not worried about it.  If he's still in a funk then I will get some time to myself.  If not, then I will have my wonderful husband back.

I am learning that its ok to break a few eggs because I am making an amazing omelet 

[byasliver]

alibaba, I am so glad to hear about your personal progress and the positive effects it's had on your r/s. I have to say, though, that the glass throwing and his refusal to leave & insistance that you leave bothers me... . a lot. Please be careful. Definitely stand your ground but be safe, too.

[briefcase]

Good job . . . and under some pretty trying circumstances.  Your story is an inspiration, thanks for sharing it.  You may have experienced an extinction burst, its hard to say and time will tell. 

The throwing of the water glass at you makes me a little nervous for your safety.  It might be a good idea to formulate a safety plan, just in case.

 

[toomanyeggshells]

No telling what I will come home to, but honestly I am not worried about it.  If he's still in a funk then I will get some time to myself. 

That's exactly how I look at it.  Good for you 

[allibaba]

Good job . . . and under some pretty trying circumstances.  Your story is an inspiration, thanks for sharing it.  You may have experienced an extinction burst, its hard to say and time will tell. 

The throwing of the water glass at you makes me a little nervous for your safety.  It might be a good idea to formulate a safety plan, just in case.

 

Thank you!  I am pretty confident that it was an extinction burst.  He couldn't believe that I was standing up to him and it really upset him.  I guess the only way that I'll know is if the behavior becomes extinct

The throwing the glass sounds way more dramatic than it was... . it was far, far, far from me.  And it was a toss or gentle throw more than a real throw.  The glass didn't break.  I am not defending him.  It was wrong.  The action was clearly designed to scare me.  I just don't want any of you kind folks worrying about me unnecessarily. 

But thank you.  I have a plan.  I keep my phone, keys and wallet all in a safe spot for a quick exit.  I have places to go and funds that are all mine.  I don't do any of this because I am afraid of him... . just to make myself more comfortable if and when I have to leave!

[byasliver]

Thanks for the clarification, alibaba. Sounds like you have thought things out very well. It'snice to read more confident and happy posts from you.  and lots of 

[Grey Kitty]

But thank you.  I have a plan.  I keep my phone, keys and wallet all in a safe spot for a quick exit.  I have places to go and funds that are all mine.  I don't do any of this because I am afraid of him... . just to make myself more comfortable if and when I have to leave!

Glad to hear it. Sometimes I think the ability to leave is one of the most important things you can have--because when you know you can go, you know that you don't have to put up with everything. You know that it is worth it to stick to your boundaries, because they will protect you whatever choice he makes.

[AnitaL]

Thanks for sharing this.  I love the description of how you can step outside the situation to recognize what is happening and that it is indeed a test of your newfound backbone.  You handled this so well, and good for you for making a backup plan to ensure you get your night out!

[allibaba]

A wise kitty actually helped suggest the safety plan a while back. Or maybe it was a wise waverider... . cant remember now but it was one of you!

So just an update... . husband came home late (obviously went out to dinner)... . hasn't spoken to me... .

I managed to do some yard work and mow the lawn.  Also got caught up on a book.  I went downstairs to kiss him on the forehead good night.  I always do this when he is mad.  And he has locked himself in the guest bedroom.  This means he is really mad.

Oh well.  That is his right.  Off to bed for me and thanks for the support today.

[allibaba]

Well... . he's not speaking to me.  He woke up this morning and did all of his morning routine himself.  I think that he views my actions yesterday as abandoning him and now he's determined to show me that he is perfectly capable of functioning on his own (he is).  I also think that he has some fear of losing control of me. 

One thing that I forgot to mention yesterday is that when I enforced the boundary he said "If you think that you are going to dictate how things run around this house then you have another thing coming."  I responded "I just don't want to be called names and have things thrown at me."

(he's strong BPD, slight OCD, slight NPD, strong PTSD)  The NPD comes out when he is really stressed.

I think that its safe to say that I'll need to use my back-up plan for babysitting my son tonight so that I can get out.  I am grateful that I get to go to a friend's tonight and I am even more grateful that my other friend was willing to take my little boy on short notice.

I'm a little sad even though my husband not speaking to me for a few days is a totally normal (as in normal for him) reaction on his part.  Normally when I stand my ground, he calms down and comes back more quickly but not this time. 

I sent him a message yesterday afternoon which clearly let him know that I was thinking of him in a positive light (I try to do this regardless of whether I have been painted black or not).  I'll do this again this afternoon. 

So as I move through cycles of being strong and not as strong... . thanks for continuing to be my strength.  I know for sure that I did the right thing yesterday.   

[briefcase]

You are doing great, stay strong.  You sound like you have done great work becoming less emotionally enmeshed with your husband.  This is good for you, and him (although he wouldn't agree with that right now).  Its a huge step to be able to live with his strong emotional reactions and not let it dictate your thoughts and actions.  Like you said - he has a right to his emotions.  It sounds like you are getting your life back.        

[allibaba]

At the risk of repeating myself... .

Thank you for the continued reassurance!

I have gone from completely enmeshed (probably 5 yrs ago) to doing work to detach starting in summer 2011.  I was pregnant and I realized for the sake of our son (even the impact on him before he was born) that I was going to have to get off the emotional roller coaster to give my son his best shot at a good life.  They say that babies can feel the emotions of their mother before they are born.  I must have done ok because my son is almost a year and a half and the kid is cool as a cucumber     Its still hard to avoid enmeshment but it has definitely gotten easier with practice. 

I sent my husband a message today reminding him that I have plans tonight and asking if he was still available to stay home with our son tonight. (I know the answer will be either NO RESPONSE or NO but it is still appropriate to ask!)  I learned the hard way that it is my responsibility to carry on including him in my life (asking if he wants to do bedtime w our son, trying to solicit his input on him) even when he's in a funk. 

I also let him know that I missed having him around last night (I did)!

I think that its really important (for me) to remind him that I love him and that I like having him around.  For me, it removes me from the 'games.' 

Sometimes I wish that I had a normal situation where I get to have a normal argument and slam a few doors but at the end of the day... . I don't mind this path and I never felt good having arguments anyway!

[Grey Kitty]

Yes, you are doing the right thing.

Yes, he is continuing to test you.

I know you have it in you to pass the test!

I wish you had a normal situation too... . although I'd like to think that the non-violent approach (not slamming doors, etc.) works better there.

 Keep it up!

[4now]

You have a lot of patience.  Good for you!

I wish I had more.  :)o you practice yoga or meditation?  How do you stay so grounded and caring/loving towards him when his behavior is what it is?  

You all have mentioned emotional enmeshment and I understand what it is theoretically.  But how do you avoid it and stay un-enmeshed?

[allibaba]

Yes, you are doing the right thing.

Yes, he is continuing to test you.

I know you have it in you to pass the test!

Thanks.  I had sent him a message asking if he would still be able to stay home with our son or if I should make other arrangements (never mind that the back-up plan is already in place). I also said PS I missed you a lot last night.

Just got a response as follows:

"You go off and play... . the feeling was NOT mutual... . nor do I expect it to ever be given what you have become."

So what I have become is someone that does not want to be abused.  He's really taking this personally.  I can't tell whether his response means that he is planning on staying home with our little boy or not... . but I assume that it means he's ok with it.  My back-up will still be in place though.  She said I can even call her at the absolute last minute... . she'll stay home all night!

Boy, he's really not happy about the current turn of events.  I will take it as a sign that I am doing the right thing.  Turning the path of our relationship.  Crazy stuff!  There is no going back now Grey Kitty!

Oh and I also realize that his message is designed to pull me back into JADEing.  Not falling for it.

[allibaba]

You have a lot of patience.  Good for you!

I wish I had more.  :)o you practice yoga or meditation?  How do you stay so grounded and caring/loving towards him when his behavior is what it is?  

You all have mentioned emotional enmeshment and I understand what it is theoretically.  But how do you avoid it and stay un-enmeshed?

4now,

Naturally I am a pretty calm person.  My husband once told me that "I am more mellow than a damn hippy."  He didn't mean it as a complement.  He's high strung and I am not.

That being said, I used to have bad anxiety... . I have done both yoga and meditation in the past and they both helped... . but I not currently practicing.  I have learned not to enmesh with his feelings by telling myself over and over again that it is not about me.  The reason that I know its not about me is that all the different things that I tried never worked.  I also focus on the reasons why I love him in my own head.  I think about all the good things that he brings to my life and why he is a good person.  Then I tap into that to find the love and make sure that he knows that I love him.

I also find that walking our dogs and running and reading helps me stay balanced in the middle of the storm.

[sjm7411]

Wow, I'm amazed at how well you're handling this one.  I was going to ask how things went this morning since it seems that you have a lot of communication in the mornings, but you had already answered my question.  He will snap out of it, it's only a matter of time, but you're right - he doesn't know what to make of the "new you" and he's shutting down emotionally.  You are doing everything right and I applaud your efforts, I definitely see you as a good example of what should be done during these situations.  He's having a temper tantrum.  I hope you have fun at your friend's house tonight and hopefully he won't look for a way to sabotage that. 

[Grey Kitty]

Yoga and/or meditation sounds like a good idea given that you ARE being tested and stressed. Of course your fun night out is also a great way to take care of yourself!

I remember some directions I read recently

Meditate for 20 minutes a day every day, unless you don't have enough time. Then do it for an hour a day

Of course I can't follow those instructions well enough myself

[allibaba]

Not a bad idea at all... .

So I did go to my friend's house.  My husband did put our son to bed... .   the house looked like a bomb hae gone off!  We had a small issue before I left as he was asleep and I had to wake him up.  He got upset because I woke him too early (10 min before I left).  Regardless 8 got my night and I said thank you before I left.

When I got home he was asleep on the couch... . I took the dogs out ane came back in and he had locked himself back in th3 guest bedroom for the night.  Oh well another night w the bed to myself.  Good night and thank you again.

[allibaba]

Just a quick update - Day 3 and my husband is still livid with me.  He slept locked in the guest bedroom again.  I think that he is really trying to prove to me that he can do things on his own (as in manage his life).  I never had any doubt.  Maybe this time is actually good for him.   

I stepped back this morning (in my own thoughts) and realized that - really - he is mad because I told him that he can't call me names and he can't throw things at me or in my vicinity.  This really isn't an unreasonable boundary that I have chosen to enforce (reassuring myself on my own self-doubt). 

So I am mostly checking in to let those following know that I am ok.  Waves of self doubt roll across regularly.  I try to bear in mind that back in March I enforced a boundary with my husband when I was visiting my dad (who has Alzheimer's).  My husband woke up in horrors and started calling and texting me to take it out on me.  Finally I sent him a message back saying that "I really needed to spend time with my dad and would call him that evening."  My husband blew his stack and wouldn't speak to me for 4-5 days.  After it subsided the following weeks were WONDERFUL. 

I was talking to one of my normal friends who is having some serious issues with her husband at the moment (basically busted him cheating last weekend).  She was like 'let me get this straight... .   You wake up at 4:30 am 5 to 7 days a week to make your husband breakfast and to pack his lunch even though you need to be at work at 8:30.'  I said yes.  She said 'do you realize that that is really above and beyond.'  I said that I didn't mind.  She said 'and your husband hasn't spoken to you in 3 days because you told him that you wouldn't continue to do him this favor while he treated you like dirt.'  I said yes.  She got this odd look on her face and said... . "girl you are doing the right thing.  stay strong."  She adores my husband (he's quite the character) so she's a great person to talk to.  Her simple breakdown of the situation really made sense.  Normal people do not wake up early to do something for their spouses and then turn around and willing subject them self to abuse.   

Interestingly enough one of my other big strengths is my uBPD mom!  (crazy)  She and I are closer than ever.  If I hadn't enforced boundaries with her (that was a painful 2 yrs)... . she wouldn't be here for me right now.  She shared that she is learning that OPINIONS are the root of all conflict.  She said that last summer, she learned to bite her tongue... . I complemented her on how far she has come personally in the last year.  I told her that I loved her and that I was amazed by how strong our relationship had become.  Hopefully I won't see the closeness backlash

There's no turning back now... . that is for sure!

[waverider]

Eventually simple, consistent and reasonable boundaries do actually gain you more respect. That starts with self respect, which can be contagious.

pwBPD fear being controlled but they can also admire people who are in control of themselves.

Thats why it is all about "I" & "me", rather than "you" when asserting control. Boundaries are about what "I" will tolerate rather than about what I insist "you "do.

"I will not be yelled at" rather than "You will not yell at me"

[allibaba]

Thats why it is all about "I" & "me", rather than "you" when asserting control. Boundaries are about what "I" will tolerate rather than about what I insist "you "do.

"I will not be yelled at" rather than "You will not yell at me"

This is why I had so much trouble with boundaries until recently.  I kept saying to him "do not call me names"  "you will not threaten me."

Now I say "I will not stand here while you call me names" and "if you are going to threaten me then I am going to leave the house"

Grey Kitty told me that it was like giving him rules (and he's definitely a rule breaker) and then I was surprised when he didn't follow my rules.

[Bloomer]

Grey Kitty told me that it was like giving him rules (and he's definitely a rule breaker) and then I was surprised when he didn't follow my rules.

No joke, on my uBPD H he has tattooed his favorite quote: "I am one of those not made for laws but for exceptions"

The tip about enforcing boundaries with I statements is something I need to write on my hand. When I'm all flustered and trying to take MY time out, I think sometimes I don't phrase it right. He has been really pushing back on timeouts during rages. When he's "normal" and I tell him about me taking timeouts, he understands and supports that. When he's raging, I'm being selfish and don't care about him. I need to stick to it.

You are such an inspiration to me. Reading your posts actually gave me chills today because you are so empowered. Thank you for posting. I hope I can follow your example!

 B.