What would you do?

[itsnotme]

I have been lc/nc for about for it months. It started out nc and then my udBPD mom had some heath issues so I went to the hospital to make sure she was ok. That was two days before Thanksgiving. My sisters went to her house (they are in their 20's with no children or bf) so I called one of them to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving. At that point my mom did get on the phone and reciprocated. Short to the point and that was it.

I did the same for Xmas(she went to her ex husbands house(the one who abused me for years) I Called one and asked her to pass the phone around. Mom wouldn't not talk to me. She wouldn't even say thank you for the gift (pair of earrings) that her grandkids picked out. Ok not the first time... I went on w my Xmas. Here is where the games begin. My bday was two weeks after Xmas. Of courses she didn't call,text or send a card. NOHING! That did hurt. Yet again not the first time. My question is- how do I handle her bday? If I don't send a card then it looks like I am also playing a game. If I send one then who knows what she will think. What should I do? Not to

meantion she must of told my extended fam some lie and none of them are speaking to me. I guess I still worry about what other pp think. I really do t know what the right thing to do. How stupid right? In any normal relationship the right thing to do would be send a card and call? Should I just do the right thing and send a card. I can never find then one that I actually would want to send. They are all so mushy. Do I call or text when she doesn't pick up? I want to be the bigger/better person here. I don't want to play games. I'm too old and I don't have time.

[Cindy]

So sorry you are going through this.  I have been doing a lot of processing myself about the "games" that my mother plays.  I can't be completely no contact with her because she lives only a few blocks away from me.  Yet, still I hardly ever see her.  Our relationship seems to be mostly phone.  I do gifting though.  I know how you feel about wanting to take the high road.  Others may disagree with me, but for now I think I would go ahead and send her a card.  Just get the most generic card you can find and mail it.  Don't worry about whether she replies or not. 

[Tayto]

myself I would send a card, this is who you are as a person so why change.

I treat my mother like a 5 year old because she acts like a 5 year old, she abuses my sisters and they end up feeling guilty because she abuses them and they wont call then she will ask them if they remember that they have a mother. on Christmas day my sister rang to wish her a happy Christmas and she told her

go and f**k yourself that she was a rotten daughter.

never become the monster to beat a monster is what I believe.

in my opinion I think people believe that they need to be a certain way around these people but I believe just stay true to your values and morals.

my mother asked me  one day to go and talk to a man about a hearing aid as she taught she was being done by them and wanted my opinion on it. while we were waiting in the waiting room she comes out with how useless my brother is as he messed up his marriage. I quietly whispered into her ear.

this is not the time or the place to be talking about any family members as we are waiting in a waiting room full of people.

I broke away from my mothers grip years ago and started to treat her as she acted herself, so when she acted like a child I treated her as a child telling her that that was not acceptable behaviour an to have some manners as she is the head of the family and should carry herself in a more dignified way. she said to me one day

you just treat me like a child and I said, not all the time, only when you are acting like a child.

I am your mother and you cannot treat me this way

I am your son and I expect you to behave like a mother and when you don't I will address it as I love you an care for your well being, I will talk to you later, love you, bye

the funny thing is with my mother, I am the one she respects and listens to nowadays because I don't mistreat her or hurl abuse back at her when she upsets one of the others,

[itsnotme]

Thank you for the advice. I believe sending a card is the right thing to do as a person. At the end of each day I will need to be able to rest my head on my pillow without any regrets or worries. It's just so hard sometimes to see what the right thing to do when you have a bp in your life. Thanks again.

[itsnotme]

Ps. Sorry for all the typos, I am always writing this on my iPhone... .

[Tayto]

every year I give my brother a gift for his birthday and for Christmas and every year he gives me nothing, this cracks my wife up.

I say to my wife, I cannot help being me any more than he can help being him. I get along great with my brother and we see each other at least twice a week but he is the way he is and I am the way I am.

be yourself, its to hard to be something you are not

[Sitara]

In any normal relationship the right thing to do would be send a card and call? Should I just do the right thing and send a card.

In a normal relationship, you would send a card.  Why?  Because in a normal relationship, both sides put in effort to the relationship and treat each other with mutual respect.  You are not in a normal relationship, therefore the relationship does not demand the same responses.  If it was someone else treating you the same way, how would you react?

Send her a card if you want, but don't do it because you feel you should.

They are all so mushy.

Before I stopped sending cards, I would try to find the most generic card possible, with just a "Happy Birthday" in the inside.  I feel your frustration.  The ones oozing "You were such a wonderful mother," were just frustrating because I didn't feel that way and I didn't want to say that to her.

Best of luck.  Nothing is ever easy with parents like these.