Sorta new here. Seeing BPD traits in myself now...

[berlem]

Hello . I was in I believe this group years ago and here I am again...sigh...
My mother has uBPD (guessing the *u* means undiagnosed around here?). I just started reading Christine Lawson's borderline mothers book (again) and I see many of my family members, aunts and grandmothers with varying degrees of BPD. And now I'm seeing myself (ugh) with mostly the "hermit" traits. I've heard people say over the years, recognizing it is the first step..or...if a person is conscious of it, it means you *don't* have BPD. Either way, I know I have some traits. And I know I drive my dear sweet loving husband nuts sometimes. And I've been in therapy off and on and on antidepressants for over 30 years. This year I have really truly finally decided to set some very strong boundaries with mom and the family. Im even thinking of moving 500 miles away again(moved so many times but I always end up crawling back home). I don't know what my question is...maybe just looking for support...my mother is definitely a mix of the waif and hermit...and I would bet my paternal grandmother was a "queen" and look what dad did---married his mother ...anyway, I've been reading posts, getting ideas, comfort, all that. Thanks for listening. Just feeling a little down right now, knowing I have some traits and trying hard to work on being better.
Thanks

[JNChell]

Hey, berlem! Welcome back! I’m sorry that things aren’t improving. Maybe they can now.

Would it surprise you if I told you that many of the members here have BPD traits? Traits are not a disorder. However, traits can become very harmful as well. It’s on the spectrum. I have BPD traits that I’m very aware of. I’m diagnosed with C-PTSD, which can look a lot like BPD if it isn’t managed.

I would like to drill something into your head with the keypad on my IPhone. YOU ARE NOT BPD. You wouldn’t be worried about it, let alone asking about it. You’re okay.

Looks like you’ve been reading and researching a lot. That makes sense. One thing I will say is to be careful about what you read on the Internet. A lot of these sub-diagnosis come from unqualified people.

Look, don’t leave here for no reason. Your story and feelings are big contribution here. That’s what this place is about.

I’ve read a lot about multi-generational behaviors and aspects in the family dynamic. You are self aware. 30 years in therapy is a lot. Honestly, if it’s over the same subject it’s too much. Are you going to therapy for them, or for you?

What do you want to see happen for you?

[berlem]

Thanks for responding JNChell. I appreciate your comments. I will be drilling them into my head now 

I just remembered a quote by Joyce meyer, I think said it . something like im not where I want to be but im better than where I was.

Thanks again

[JNChell]

That’s a strong quote. Surviving. I’m not familiar with her. What did/does she write about?

[berlem]

Oops didn't see your last sentence. I go years without therapy then start back up. Then stop again..  Great question tho, am I going for them or me...i realized only RECENTLY that I have been trying to fix them all this time. That's something im trying to drill in my head: no one can help them but themselves! When mom who is still very healthy mind u, says stuff like "u can't move away what about your parents?" The whole guilt thing kicks in. I had forgotten about FOG until I read it somewhere around here. What I want to happen is i want to be FREE . that is what im working towards. Freedom and peace to BE and do what I want. I cry to the husband, " but isn't that selfish of me?" Being the man he is he says of course not.Thank God I have him for support.. I don't have any other support tho...a cousin and two friends basically. So fear is a big thing im dealing with and have always dealt with. Thanks again

[berlem]

Joyce meyer is a preacher. I don't follow her much now but she has a lot of good books

[berlem]

One good book is the battlefield of the mind by Joyce meyer

[JNChell]

I don't have any other support tho...a cousin and two friends basically

Strong and small groups are tight and important. My group is very similar to your’s. It’s safe and secure. Christ, how much can we manage? Lol!

You have a very strong man and I think that you should lean on him more and listen to him more. Men strive to be appreciated by their woman. Seriously, it’s a big deal. He’s your family. Don’t go bulldozing into him with your feelings. You have to take responsibility for those, but you should talk to him and ask for his advice. Do that, and he will help you. Dump your stuff on him, no bueno.

Ultimately, do you want to get away from the toxicity?

[berlem]

Good advice on the husband thing. I will remember that. I can't deal with a lot of people. I've become very isolated , like a friggin hermit . yes I want to be rid of the toxicity. If we move its financial reasons and warmer weather. I've moved away so many times to get away from the toxicity only to come back because I miss home and family and friends im not even close with anymore. . And then I come back and its the same PLEASE READe again...u can see how my husband might get annoyed with me

[JNChell]

Ok. Hold on now. You’ve moved away from your husband, and came back multiple times? That’s a fair question.

[berlem]

No! Moved away from my parents

[JNChell]

Christ! I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I misread what you said.

[berlem]

  its ok.

[JNChell]

See, you’re not a borderline. Lol. I’m sorry, I’m trying to recover myself here. I feel like a dip. If you were a borderline, you would’ve lost your  . Instead, you reacted in kind to another person’s mistake. You’re gonna be fine. BTW, this was not on purpose. I just messed up. Thank you for understanding.

[berlem]

 I can just imagine how some of my BPD family members would have responded. Definitely not how I did. Lol so thanks for reminding me of that 

[JNChell]

Fair enough. Better people than me will be along to talk with you. Again, I’m very sorry.

[Cromwell]

Hi berlem

It is really interesting question, I noticed it comes up often here and welcome back, I know this is difficult time emotionally and you are seeing these BPD traits right now.

do you feel there is any association between the stress you are in and at the same time "seeing" these traits?

I just try to relate at how many things I tried to search for answers at a time my head was so overwhelmed with issues and later on I realised it was "the moment" I was in, not necessarily who I am on a long term, consistent personality type.

do you believe that, sort of that we could "switch" into being a borderline, described as such, due to how we behave at a certain moment in life? then when the situation changes, "switch" back to what we normally are? im curious.

good to hear from you and sorry to hear for the hard time and challenges you are going through now.

[berlem]

Hi cromwell. Yes, I think you're right, stress can be a trigger. but I can remember as a child thinking I never wanted to be like my mom. So I'm constantly aware of my reactions and sometimes I catch myself being irritated and lashing out, just like she did to me and my dad. (My brother was the golden child but that's another story). The difference is I own it and apologize if I need to, exact opposite of my mother and her sisters. I mean of course I'm going to have some of my parents traits. Maybe being self aware and working thru it is the answer. It's gonna be painful no matter if u own it or ignore it. The only way out is through...another good quote. Anyway thanks for your response y'all are making me think 

[Sylfine]

Hi berlem!  You are not alone.  My husband keeps trying to tell me that I'm not BPD because I see it, but there was a time when I didn't.  Not sure if I am a recovering BPD, or if it's because I didn't have a healthy family dynamic to teach me and I thought all the things done were normal and reenacted those as I grew up.  When I read "Understanding the Borderline Mother" I immediately identified my high school-college age-first marriage self with the Waif.  My uBPD mother is a Queen-Hermit.  It makes so much sense now.  (And it's kind of funny now - she can see when I or my sister treat our SO's "wrong" but she doesn't see it in how she treats our father - hello?  Where do you think we learned it from?) 

The BIGGEST thing, and difference between you and your mother, is that you now know what is healthy and unhealthy behavior.  uBPD's don't and never will.   At this point, this is the most important thing and you can work to break the cycle.  You got this 

[berlem]

The BIGGEST thing, and difference between you and your mother, is that you now know what is healthy and unhealthy behavior.  uBPD's don't and never will.   At this point, this is the most important thing and you can work to break the cycle.  You got this 
[/quote]

hello sylfine. I always find it funny how they can dish stuff out but can't take it; seems like my whole maternal side of family is like that... and have ZERO self-awareness. in their defense tho, I do have some sympathy for them --- if I were to diagnose their father, my grandfather, I would say he had NPD...and probably HIS mother...so we can go back generations. then there's my father's side...his mother I would diagnose as a queen/witch.

but anyway, thank you so much. I really appreciate your comments.