Ex gf who I love unconditionally has the BPD traits

[HI-TEKREDNECKSK]

Hello all. My on and off now ex Gf has the BPD traits and I’m trying to learn as much about it as I can and to also get advice for the next time she comes back.  She has came back 3 times so far.  We have dated from 3 months at most to a month at the least.  It starts off wonderful and happy. Lots of fun and intimacy as well as appreciation. We were engaged to be married throughout the relationship that’s more than a year long.

At the break up stage. She all of a sudden falls out of love and is struggling with her feelings. Then drops me with no warning. Goes from one day loving me so much and missing me to zero contact the next day.  Then a harsh breakup.  The last one she jumped into trying to pick up a friend of mine ( which she may have done) this break up she was very mean and her reality didn’t match the actual reality. She told the friend we were not together for a long time but we had actually broke up the day before he asked her out.  Then a horrible phone call trying to discredit me and make me out to be a very bad person.
This is the first breakup that I was talked about so negatively.
One thing that caught me off guard was that she was telling me to not yell at her but in reality I was talking in a normal voice. This was done in the last break up as well. She has not been diagnosed with BPD but I wrote down what she acts like during the break up and then when she comes back she is remorseful and loving.  I know it’s hard for alot of people but with all she has done I still love her unconditionally and always will and I do in fact want to spend my life with her and how ever that looks with her having these symptoms. Oh we are both recovering alcoholics as well and I have ADD but have learned to manage it.  I’m
At the end of my rope and looking for support and suggestions on how to move forward with this and how to approach her with this when she comes back to me. I know she will. It’s her pattern and I feel in my heart that we both love each other.

It sounds that she is splitting?????

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[hellosun]

It sounds like you are a strong person, HI-TEK. And yes, sounds like your exGF does have strong splitting cycles...My uBPDh also has accused me of yelling when he is upset and I am speaking normally. It’s good you are able to see what is reality and what is a distorted perception.

But since you’re alone right now, how are you treating yourself during this period? How are you feeling? How is the recovery from alcoholism going?

It is inspiring you have learned to manage your ADD! It sounds like you are a person who isn’t afraid of facing challenges.

[jaded7]

  Then a horrible phone call trying to discredit me and make me out to be a very bad person.
This is the first breakup that I was talked about so negatively.
One thing that caught me off guard was that she was telling me to not yell at her but in reality I was talking in a normal voice. This was done in the last break up as well. She has not been diagnosed with BPD but I wrote down what she acts like during the break up and then when she comes back she is remorseful and loving.  I know it’s hard for alot of people but with all she has done I still love her unconditionally and always will and I do in fact want to spend my life with her and how ever that looks with her having these symptoms. Oh we are both recovering alcoholics as well and I have ADD but have learned to manage it.  I’m
At the end of my rope and looking for support and suggestions on how to move forward with this and how to approach her with this when she comes back to me. I know she will. It’s her pattern and I feel in my heart that we both love each other.

It sounds that she is splitting?????

Unfortunately that 'paranoia' feeling in her is one many of us have seen. I likened it to always looking for something 'bad' that I did, or attributing to me bad intentions when they weren't there. I even told her about 5 or 6 months into our relationship that she seems to be looking for something 'bad' to get mad about. I didn't know about BPD then, and just thought it was strange.

My last phone call with my ex was just a barrage of 'bad' things about me, really hurtful putdowns and lies. As you experienced, she accused me of yelling at her in the car once (I never did, not once, didn't even raise my voice to her in 2 years) when she was the one who was yelling at me, many times, and I in fact brought it up to her multiple times that I don't like the yelling.

One of the reasons after that phone call I never begged to have her back is the accusation of me yelling at her. Although many things I questions myself about, I know with 100% certainty that I didn't yell at her, and the fact she would make that accusation (bordering on accusing me of abuse), scared me. Because what else could she then make up about me? And yes, she talked constantly about how her ex-h was abusive.

Just here to say you aren't alone. I recognize how much you care for her. That's another thing on these boards that is nearly universal.