I'm so sick of crying and blaming myself

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been 15 months since my ex said he wants nothing to do with me anymore and abandoned me, and I still think about him constantly, I miss him every day and I still cry almost every night.

I don't know if he truly has BPD, but his behavior was bizarre and after doing a ton of research (because he wouldn't explain anything to me), I do suspect he has a Cluster B personality disorder. The more I read about BPD, the more similarities with his behavior I see. I've come to realize just how dishonest he was; nearly every time he opened his mouth it seems like nothing but lies came pouring out. I didn't realize this at the time, but after reading through all of our written correspondence, the amount of contradicting himself and doublespeak is quite astounding. Yet he appears so "normal" around his friends, and he was so convincing when he blamed me for everything... .

He never exactly treated me respectfully, but I put up with the behaviors that I found wrong and hurtful, I was able to look past that because I love him. Or... .now I wonder if the person I love was really him, or just a fake mask. He was so hateful in the end, didn't care a thing about my feelings. Looking back at the relationship, there were a lot of times it seems he didn't care about my feelings... .sometimes he'd pretend, but I've reason to believe now he only did that if there was something in it for him... .

I hate myself for still loving someone who so obviously never loved me. Someone who loves me would never lie like that, betray my trust, repeatedly cheat, use my weaknesses against me, blame me, make things up to hurt me, break promises, refuse to listen to me, or get angry when I say they were being hurtful. But then I always go back to thinking he really does care and love me, because he said he did. But his behavior almost always said something very different... .

I am suffering. I don't know how to make it stop. I've been playing my guitar a lot more. I started weightlifting. I'm trying to do things to better myself but my thoughts always return to him, hoping one day he will at least apologize to me, or have a conversation about what's happened. I don't think that will ever happen though. I miss him so much. I really wish I didn't. Some of the things he said to me were downright vicious. I feel like I'm permanently crippled by what he's done... .

[thefinalrose]

It's been 15 months since my ex said he wants nothing to do with me anymore and abandoned me, and I still think about him constantly, I miss him every day and I still cry almost every night.

I don't know if he truly has BPD, but his behavior was bizarre and after doing a ton of research (because he wouldn't explain anything to me), I do suspect he has a Cluster B personality disorder. The more I read about BPD, the more similarities with his behavior I see. I've come to realize just how dishonest he was; nearly every time he opened his mouth it seems like nothing but lies came pouring out. I didn't realize this at the time, but after reading through all of our written correspondence, the amount of contradicting himself and doublespeak is quite astounding. Yet he appears so "normal" around his friends, and he was so convincing when he blamed me for everything... .

He never exactly treated me respectfully, but I put up with the behaviors that I found wrong and hurtful, I was able to look past that because I love him. Or... .now I wonder if the person I love was really him, or just a fake mask. He was so hateful in the end, didn't care a thing about my feelings. Looking back at the relationship, there were a lot of times it seems he didn't care about my feelings... .sometimes he'd pretend, but I've reason to believe now he only did that if there was something in it for him... .

I hate myself for still loving someone who so obviously never loved me. Someone who loves me would never lie like that, betray my trust, repeatedly cheat, use my weaknesses against me, blame me, make things up to hurt me, break promises, refuse to listen to me, or get angry when I say they were being hurtful. But then I always go back to thinking he really does care and love me, because he said he did. But his behavior almost always said something very different... .

I am suffering. I don't know how to make it stop. I've been playing my guitar a lot more. I started weightlifting. I'm trying to do things to better myself but my thoughts always return to him, hoping one day he will at least apologize to me, or have a conversation about what's happened. I don't think that will ever happen though. I miss him so much. I really wish I didn't. Some of the things he said to me were downright vicious. I feel like I'm permanently crippled by what he's done... .

[Hisaccount]

Very sorry to hear you are still having a rough time. It is pretty normal though. These people have a way of breaking through barriers and damaging us at our very core.
Don't feel bad about loving him still. We cannot control where our hearts go.
But loving someone doesn't mean letting them control us. You can still love and care, but now you need to be strong and tell yourself that even if you love him you know that someone else will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
What we call love a pwBPD cannot do. They cannot unconditionally love. They cannot forgive and forget. They cannot accept.

[GlennT]

15 months... I understand. Most of the people I have seen come here are kind and compassionate.  If wounds of the heart and soul were judged in a courtroom like flesh wounds, the people with personality disorders would be constantly fined, put under house arrest, and in jail for most of their lives. They give true love a bad name. Have you read about projection and how they use it to make us feel guilty? One day in the future, you will notice, quite by surprise, that you aren't thinking, nor crying as much. And in 10-20 years, they will become only a dark shadow that passes over your heart, like clouds over the moonlight. You will no longer feel emotionally ill, or guilty because of this mentally and emotionally sick person you've truly tried to love, who did not want to be cured, who could not be as strong as you, and chose the cowardly actions of projecting and injecting their faults into you, like you were some sort of sacrificial lamb they could bury their sins in, and then discard. Be patient with yourself for weeping for so long... .you will heal, like the good folks who come here do with more time. The BPD afflicted cannot heal because 99% of these evil little critters don't and won't, admit they have/are a problem because they are basically cowards who have deeply imbedded fears of facing who they really are.

[Skip]

It's been 15 months since my ex said he wants nothing to do with me anymore and abandoned me, and I still think about him constantly, I miss him every day and I still cry almost every night.

A lot of us have attachment issues. It's why we put up with the things you listed. It's why we can't let go.

This is not to give our exs a pass, but it is to say that the answer is not in them, its in us.

It might be a good time to read about attachment theory and kick it around with soe members.

[Skip]

Be patient with yourself for weeping for so long... .you will heal, like the good folks who come here do with more time. The BPD afflicted cannot heal because... .

Many of us won't face our own frailty either... .it's very hard to do. Time makes us numb and disconnect. It doesn't makes up grow - for that we have to reach.

[thefinalrose]

15 months... I understand. Most of the people I have seen come here are kind and compassionate.  If wounds of the heart and soul were judged in a courtroom like flesh wounds, the people with personality disorders would be constantly fined, put under house arrest, and in jail for most of their lives. They give true love a bad name. Have you read about projection and how they use it to make us feel guilty? One day in the future, you will notice, quite by surprise, that you aren't thinking, nor crying as much. And in 10-20 years, they will become only a dark shadow that passes over your heart, like clouds over the moonlight. You will no longer feel emotionally ill, or guilty because of this mentally and emotionally sick person you've truly tried to love, who did not want to be cured, who could not be as strong as you, and chose the cowardly actions of projecting and injecting their faults into you, like you were some sort of sacrificial lamb they could bury their sins in, and then discard. Be patient with yourself for weeping for so long... .you will heal, like the good folks who come here do with more time. The BPD afflicted cannot heal because 99% of these evil little critters don't and won't, admit they have/are a problem because they are basically cowards who have deeply imbedded fears of facing who they really are.

I've read about the projection, and I believe it's certainly something he did quite a lot of. He even twisted things around so that I'm the one who was acting "borderline" and like I was the crazy one with all the problems ruining everything. And I did believe that for a long time, and I still believe it to a certain extent, but there aren't many similarities with my behaviors and a pwBPD's. The push/pull with my ex was extreme.  He would physically and emotionally jerk me around, first pulling me obsessively toward him, then pushing me violently away. I always tried to talk with him about it, I wanted to understand his perspective, but soon it seemed literally everything I did was wrong: if I asked him if he wanted to talk, it was seen as a threat; if I told him I love him he'd freak out; if I told him he was being hurtful he'd get angry. He refused to acknowledge any of his behavior; I accepted responsibility for my own behavior and more. He placed the entire responsibility for the relationship on my shoulders, even the responsibility for his decisions and possibly even other things in his life that were stressing him out which I had nothing to do with, and I accepted it without question.

I don't think BPD people are evil. I think they are very deeply hurt by something in the past or they are very afraid of something. That doesn't make their behavior okay but I can empathize. My ex's behavior eventually caused me to have a mental breakdown and he used that as "proof" that I'm the unstable one. Maybe he doesn't even realize what his behavior looks like or how it effects people or even that there's something wrong with it. It's very much like dealing with child... .

[Duped 1]

I think some of them are evil and some aren't just like other people. Some are good and some are not.

[ynwa]

Hello Rose,

You have had a rough time.  But you didn't do this, you were a part of it, but it's not your fault.  You said you were "carrying it in your shoulders"  :)o you think you are ready to drop that useless weight?  I think you should start being there for you!  

[K.G.]

It has only been about 4  weeks since my ex abandoned me and it is all raw still. I think about the question of whether a person with BPD is bad or evil. I have read responses of people that know they have BPD and they get upset by the implication that they are bad people. However, l don't think that at the end of the day you can excuse certain behaviours. I can't excuse my ex hitting me, I cannot excuse his constant criticism and I cannot excuse him ignoring me and every message I send to him. I refuse to accept that he has no control over this behaviour. If I do accept he has no control, all I am seeing is the good man. And that makes me have a distorted image of the person he is. And conversely, if he has no control over bad behaviour, does that also mean he has no control over good behaviour?

I don't know if my point makes any sense, but l think by making excuses for them, we hold onto an illusion. Everyone makes excuses for their partner's bad behaviour, even in ' normal' relationships. This is because people don't want to lose the person and the relationship. In BPD relationship we somehow learn to tolerate it all. The ninety percent of insanity is somehow overshadowed by ten percent of sanity. For me, this kept me hooked and keeps me craving me ex.  I don't want to say he is evil. But if I accept he can be good, then I have to accept that he can do bad things.

I read yesterday an article which said that both the good and bad side of a BPD individual is the real them. It is who they are. When we are with them we play down the bad for the good. Once they leave us, what should we do?  Should we carry on saying they have such a nice side and forget the bad? My ex may have emotional disregulation, but he is not intellectually retarded. He knows that he is hurting me now. He knows that I am devastated. But the disorder, which is him, makes EVERYTHING about him. And so as I no longer several a purpose, then why should he care about me? Even in ' normal' relationships partner's cut off. But we don't make excuses for them.

I suppose the point I am making is see the person holistically. I dated someone who was attractive, fun, and made me feel attractive and needed some of the time. But l also dated a man who criticised me and didn't think twice about discarding me.

[K.G.]

It has only been about 4  weeks since my ex abandoned me and it is all raw still. I think about the question of whether a person with BPD is bad or evil. I have read responses of people that know they have BPD and they get upset by the implication that they are bad people. However, l don't think that at the end of the day you can excuse certain behaviours. I can't excuse my ex hitting me, I cannot excuse his constant criticism and I cannot excuse him ignoring me and every message I send to him. I refuse to accept that he has no control over this behaviour. If I do accept he has no control, all I am seeing is the good man. And that makes me have a distorted image of the person he is. And conversely, if he has no control over bad behaviour, does that also mean he has no control over good behaviour?

I don't know if my point makes any sense, but l think by making excuses for them, we hold onto an illusion. Everyone makes excuses for their partner's bad behaviour, even in ' normal' relationships. This is because people don't want to lose the person and the relationship. In BPD relationship we somehow learn to tolerate it all. The ninety percent of insanity is somehow overshadowed by ten percent of sanity. For me, this kept me hooked and keeps me craving me ex.  I don't want to say he is evil. But if I accept he can be good, then I have to accept that he can do bad things.

I read yesterday an article which said that both the good and bad side of a BPD individual is the real them. It is who they are. When we are with them we play down the bad for the good. Once they leave us, what should we do?  Should we carry on saying they have such a nice side and forget the bad? My ex may have emotional disregulation, but he is not intellectually retarded. He knows that he is hurting me now. He knows that I am devastated. But the disorder, which is him, meant EVERYTHING is about him. And so as I no longer serve a purpose, then why should he care about me? Even in ' normal' relationships partner's cut off. But we don't make excuses for them.

I suppose the point I am making is see the person holistically. I dated someone who was attractive, fun, and made me feel attractive and needed some of the time. But l also dated a man who criticised me and didn't think twice about discarding me.

[thefinalrose]

Thank you for the kind responses.

I don't know if my point makes any sense, but l think by making excuses for them, we hold onto an illusion. Everyone makes excuses for their partner's bad behaviour, even in ' normal' relationships. This is because people don't want to lose the person and the relationship. In BPD relationship we somehow learn to tolerate it all. The ninety percent of insanity is somehow overshadowed by ten percent of sanity. For me, this kept me hooked and keeps me craving me ex.  I don't want to say he is evil. But if I accept he can be good, then I have to accept that he can do bad things.

I read yesterday an article which said that both the good and bad side of a BPD individual is the real them. It is who they are. When we are with them we play down the bad for the good. Once they leave us, what should we do?  Should we carry on saying they have such a nice side and forget the bad? My ex may have emotional disregulation, but he is not intellectually retarded. He knows that he is hurting me now. He knows that I am devastated. But the disorder, which is him, makes EVERYTHING about him. And so as I no longer several a purpose, then why should he care about me?

You raise some very good points. My ex's behavior was extremely hurtful and dismissive, especially toward the end, and he didn't even respect me enough to have a discussion with me (which he actually suggested first but then got angry with me when I expected him to keep his word) or apologize for any of the things he said and did. The idealization/devaluation was very apparent; for a great portion of the relationship, it's like I was his angel, could do no wrong, he said he loved me and most of the time he treated me that way. However, there were also times when he'd ignore me and say hurtful things, but those times never lasted very long. Then very, very suddenly, it's like he hated me, shortly after a very romantic and intense evening together, during which he told me he loves me so much and that I'm so special to him, and I have no idea why. He wouldn't talk to me. He just accused me of outrageous things, and when it got to a point I was becoming so upset and began believing the horrible things he said to me, he made it like it was all my fault. I don't even know how he could rationalize this to himself. I tried explaining things; he refused to listen.

At first, I thought the idea of him having BPD was absurd. I'm the crazy one, or so I firmly believed. But really, there are lot of things that I've read that are his behavior to a T. I read about how BPD people are afraid of emotional closeness, and about the push/pull and their motivation for doing so, and how their feelings are often intense and volatile, and it's really the only way I can make his behavior make even a little bit of sense in my mind. The only explanation (if you could call it that) which my ex offered before he left was that our relationship was too intense for him and "more than [he] can personally handle", but it was said in a way to suggest that I was the one causing the relationship to be that way. He had pursued me relentlessly for years, he created situations in the relationship and then blamed me for causing them. BPD or similar issues with emotional closeness is also really the only way I can rationalize him getting so upset with me when I would try to reciprocate his feelings. Like he was the only one allowed to say "I love you".

I don't really understand any of his behavior at all despite how much I'm trying to, but I think the most mind-boggling is how he could so quickly start a new relationship with someone else, so soon after leaving me and with zero remorse whatsoever. I keep having to remind myself that he's done this because of him, not because of me, no matter how much he told me it was all my fault. I've been completely blindsided and stunned by the lack of empathy, the suddenly not caring, the open hostility. He posted on social media about me (unnamed), calling me a ass and how much he hates me and just doesn't care if I'm  never going to be okay, how I'm so crazy and messed up and then crying to his friends about how I've broken his heart and treated him like crap? I'm completely in the dark about what I've done to make him feel this way but he refused to tell me anything when I all but pleaded with him to tell me what I'd done wrong and how I could fix it. Eventually I had to block him because I couldn't stand seeing things like this, and the pictures of him and his new f*cktoy, and how he sees that I'm online but refuses to acknowledge my existence.

This feels like being ripped apart from the inside. It is hell. I don't understand how a person could be so loving, or to portray himself as such, and then become so hateful and like a complete monster... .

[ynwa]

This thread in so many ways touches me and makes me breathe deeply.

My BPD magnifies my insecurities, negates my feelings. Pushes me away when needing me most, leaves me hanging when I need her most.  But at times she is kind, loving and honest.  I'm trying to be non-contact. I'm getting through my days, but I have more ahead.

She texted last night, "I miss you guys".  I know she was out drinking, and it was 2 am.  I was asleep and didn't hear it.  I woke up this morning.  With that spike of anxiety and sadness we all know too well.  I saw the phone, and it made it all worse.  I ache to go to her and make it better. Forgetting that she left, she cheated, and all of it.   I could only reply. "Sorry i was asleep".  But I felt like I let her down, that improved her vision of me, that I would never be there.

But she left. She blew it up.   She texted back, "im sorry, I sure you know the nighttime is tough".  Yeah sure, every day is tough.  It makes me think, is she regretting her actions, is she telling me to come get her and make this right?

I haven't answered her text.  Why should I?   Haven't I done enough?  She knows I'm here and I'd listen.  I'm trying to detach, because even though it's hard for her.  It's really fu**king hard for me, when every part of who I am is simply stuck.  I can't move on. 

[K.G.]

I read the stories here and sense how familiar all of the behaviour patterns are. I am trying REALLY HARD to get into my head that I am not a worthless woman and that I did everything I could possibly do for my ex. But whatever is going on in his head means we cannot relate to each other. The last episode of rage was the cut-off point for us. Following this I was cut-off. He even blocked me on social media half-way through my message! I have had a few relationship break ups and have NEVER experienced anything like this. At first, it is natural to take it personally. How could he hate me so much? How could he treat me as if I am worthless? I did everything I could to try to make him happy, so why won't he talk to me? Am I a monster?

I don't want to believe that he has no feelings and did not care for me. I am sure he did in his own way, but not in the way that you and I understand love and relationships. My sense is that for my ex I was a comfort blanket (not a partner). He doesn't have the skills to have a relationship with someone. Due to all of his insecurities, he has a black and white thinking mentality. Any perception on his part that I was not 100 per cent committed to feeding his insecurity, would trigger rage and pushing of me away. I ignored this behaviour because of my own needs to be with someone. I look back now at the odd behaviour - one day I was not the woman he could spend his life with and the next day I was the love of his life. There is a pendulum and it swings back and forth. I am dizzy just thinking about all of the mood changes. 

I do love him. I cannot lie about that. He has a lovely personality at times. And I have never been in such an intense relationship and he made me feel like I was his soul mate. But at some point I need to call a spade a spade. He will go through his whole life jumping from relationship to relationship looking for the perfect woman. Little does he know that he met her already, several times over, and he had no idea how to feed the relationship. I feel sorry for him and wish he would get treatment. But he does not recognise he has a problem. Everyone else has the problem. I am the 'obsessive' one... .If my ex does make contact with me again, I am not sure what I will do, but certainly I will not mirror his bad behaviour. I refuse to become someone I myself would not like.

It is hard, and as much as I am trying to rationalise things, I have very dark moments. It is refreshing to hear other people's stories. Thank you for posting your story. I empathise with you wholeheartedly. Do not wait for answers. And certainly you should avoid being jealous of his new lover. The pattern will repeat, and repeat, and repeat. And do focus on yourself. Focus on the things you can control.