Considering taking out an Order of Protection against my BPD son

[FaithHopeLove]

If you have been following all the drama in my house (God bless you if you are.) then you know why I am considering taking out an Order of Protection which would mean he can't come to our house for a period of time. I am a little (not much) conflicted. On the one hand, I feel that it is necessary to my physical and emotional health to do so. On the other hand, him being BPD, he will likely experience it as abandonment. I don't want him to feel abandoned but I also don't feel like enabling or rescuing him from the consequences of his actions. Bottom line, I don't feel like being menaced in my own home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

If it's behavior that he needs to learn in order to function in life, then it's reasonable, even if it's excruciatingly painful to implement, imo.

My brother has BPD and was violent and menacing and terrorized me and my parents. He lived at home until 25 and wasn't kicked out until he pushed my mom up against a wall and threatened her. That seemed to be their breaking point.

uBPD brother had a tender side and life was so hard for him, everyone gave him a lot of chances and nothing seemed to change until he had to deal with independence cold turkey so to speak. I've never known anyone to resist independence as much as him, while demanding he be given everything.

My belief is that BPD loved ones feel abandoned all the time. It's an abandonment of self. Feelings equal facts, effect equals cause. So if they feel abandoned (effect), they look for the cause (what someone else did to them), when in fact the feeling is there all the time, regardless of what we do. To us, we feel we caused the abandonment. The truth is that abandonment fears are pervasive, they exist regardless of your actions.

Slowly, we hope that they will learn cause and effect, that they are responsible for their feelings and actions.

It's easy to think about doing the difficult thing, I know how hard it can be to act on it. Sending you support, FHLKC. These are hard decisions, it takes a lot of emotional strength.

[FaithHopeLove]

What happened to your brother? Is he still alive? My hope for my son is that this experience will wake him up to some reality. Is this a reasonable hope or do I need to brace myself for his eventual suicide? I know you don't have a crystal ball. I just need to throw these questions out there because they are on my mind.

[GaGrl]

Yes, I've been following. It does not sound as if this is a shock that your son reached this level of violent behavior -- a huge disappointment, yes.

You need to feel safe in your own home. So you need to do what it takes to create a safe place.

Is this something you must do immediately, or can you see what his options are re: mail or bail or treatment facility?

[FaithHopeLove]

We refuse to pay his bail. He will likely be in a pre-arraignment lock up until he can see a judge which is not likely to happen until Tuesday. If he gets sick due to drug withdrawal they will take him to the hospital and that will delay the process. So far he has refused all treatment. Let's see how he feels after several days in jail without access to drugs.

[livednlearned]

What happened to your brother? Is he still alive?

He is alive, Faith. We don't have a relationship, he lives close to my parents (they bought him a house).

The dual-diagnosis complicates things. My brother was suicidal when he was drinking, and I'm not sure what helped turn things around for him. He was good with his hands and earned respect in the trades for his workmanship, a glimmer that pulled him forward I suspect.

My hope for my son is that this experience will wake him up to some reality. Is this a reasonable hope or do I need to brace myself for his eventual suicide?

What part of the experience is new for him? Is it the trip to the psyche ward, or the Order of Protection? Have you heard how he is doing?

[FaithHopeLove]

He has been to the psych ward once before when he was self harming last fall. Jail will be new to him. I am a retired police Captain and used to run a pre-arraignment lock up so I have a pretty good idea of what he is in for. He isn't going to like it.

[PeaceMom]

Faith,
I agree that feeling safety in your home is top priority. My T says if I don’t have that, I can never truly have peace.
Sounds like you are processing many things at once today bc you’ve been hit with so much. I did have to go thru the whole suicide “what-if” sequence with my T. Very scary and I needed her to guide me. The holding cell is going to be very uncomfortable for him, but his head may clear after several days and he may realize his readiness for change. My support group just encourages me to take “the next best step” when I’m not sure how to proceed. A good night’s sleep is equal to many therapy sessions! Sending prayers your way.