Quick question...

[Rockylove]

Haven't been here in quite a while because things have been going so well.  I'm sorry for that, actually.  I shouldn't neglect the people that have been so supportive of me when things were tough. 

I do have a question to throw out there.  My husband has been EXTREMELY loving and wonderful lately.  I have absolutely no reason to suspect anything (as in affair or whatever) so I don't quite understand my apprehension as far as the "niceness" is concerned. 

Have any of you had similar distrust during the nice periods?  This one seems to be lasting a very long time.

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Chosen]

Hi Rockylove, good to hear that things are going well with you!

I have a similar feeling, in fact, right now.  H has been great these few months, no blow-ups, even when I was moody myself, he seemed to be tolerant of me, and most of all, he didn't bring it back up later as a means of attack/ blame.  While I'm happy, I do have a feeling at the back of my head that at some point he's going to lose his cool.  In a way, I don't trust that he could be so patient, so tolerant of me, because I've seen his temper before.

I'm sorry I don't have much good advice to give... .but I do remember learning here that sometimes we just have to stop worrying, just be "in the moment", enjoy what's good now.  Whether or not we fully enjoy the happiness of this moment can't change anything in future; he may or may not be "nice" later on, but at least you got the niceness out of him now... .which may come in handy when things go bad... .

[waverider]

Could it be that he finds the"new you" less threatening and hence his defensiveness is reduced. Is the borderline thinking still there, but just not readiness to start conflict?

I found I got to a stage like that. Lots of dysfunctionality still present, but i am no longer the "enemy'

[Mono No Aware]

Could it be that he finds the"new you" less threatening and hence his defensiveness is reduced. Is the borderline thinking still there, but just not readiness to start conflict?

I found I got to a stage like that. Lots of dysfunctionality still present, but i am no longer the "enemy'

I too have reached this stage on occasion. It is a pleasant relief!

However, this does not mean that being split black into the "enemy" is gone forever.

At some point, life stress will trigger it and you've got to weather the storm with Tools and Lessons.

I have reached this stage too - the down cycle after the pleasant plateau.

I do not mean to be a Debbie Downer, and I am happy for you, but stay mindful of the little signs and signals they give off as their dysfunctions perk up again, and always be ready with the Tools and Lessons.

it may not work for your BPDh, but I actually do a pre-emptive "Your body language is upset, what's up?" type question to get my uBPDw into supportive dialog before her dysfunction pressure builds up to total meltdown. Sometimes the dialog gets difficult and combative, but often it works well enough to completely avoid a really bad episode and get back to the pleasant stage within a few hours!

[lostandunsure]

Could it be that he finds the"new you" less threatening and hence his defensiveness is reduced. Is the borderline thinking still there, but just not readiness to start conflict?

I found I got to a stage like that. Lots of dysfunctionality still present, but i am no longer the "enemy'

I think we're starting to enter this stage, I have to say, it's wonderful... .Yes, the BPD is certainly still there, but things are a lot better. At least compared to the last 17 years. I hope we can keep it up till she starts her DBT program in a few months. I'm taking things day by day, but it's nice to come home and not worry as much about what I'll find when I open the door.

[waverider]

When, or if, things do turn bad again you feel hugely sick with a "here we go again" feeling. Then you realize you can manage those down turns better.

Eventually you get to a stage when you no longer feel apprehensive about the next bad cycle, which is what you are fearing now. That will pass and you can enjoy the moment without worrying about tomorrow

[Rockylove]

Thank you all so very much for your responses!  In some respects, I do think he realizes that I'm not the enemy.  Using the tools and lessons I've learned has kept the home front much more peaceful and for that I'm grateful!  I've been able to gracefully bow out of many "discussions" that would have turned into heated arguments in the past.  He loves when I joke around about putting duct tape on my mouth   

You all have given me peace of mind.  I'm still a bit skeptical, but I'm hopeful that the changes I've made will continue to make a difference in our lives.  Blessings be!

[maryy16]

It's great that you can joke around with him!  I found that once my H was able to joke about the BPD situation, that he has slowly become more "aware" and has toned down alot. He joked that he wanted to get a license plate on his car that said "BPD  NON" (meaning that the "BPD" (him)  is in the drivers seat and the "non" (me) is in the passenger seat).

While there are still incidents, he now seems quicker to recover, probably due to having a bit more insight has to WHY he acts the way he does. 

So enjoy the moment and while there may be more episodes, hopefully, they will be less dramatic and won't last long!

[Rockylove]

Is the borderline thinking still there, but just not readiness to start conflict?

I've been thinking a lot about this and yes... .I do believe it's still there, but he seems so much calmer and not as eager to engage in arguments.  There have been moments of disagreement where we would have exploded in the past, but I've told him that part of what I love about him is that he has a mind of his own and we don't have to agree on everything as long as we remain civil about it.  He seems most pleased with my understanding of him and his sometimes unusual way of expressing his feelings.  We focus more on today than yesterday or tomorrow and that helps too.

[allibaba]

You've come so far Rockylove... .a good example for all of us  And its really amazing to see all of the posts about people that have come through this stage.

Its understandable to be a little nervous when you aren't used to this much peace and calm... .

But you can see by all the people posting that this is a reasonable part of the journey.

My journey has been much higher drama, but I'm learning good stuff at every stage.  My husband had a few really solid months of lack of drama in a row but quickly hit a major stress which flipped him over in a three week dysregulation.  I'm kind of glad that it happened that way though (for me... .it just reiterated to me how important the lessons are... .and firmed up my conviction even more).